121.
Title: ORAEYO (take 2)
Rating: pg
Pairing/Focus: donghae-centric, lots of platonic hyukhae
Summary: now that leeteuk, yesung and heechul are gone, someone else has to take the reins as leader. donghae just wishes eunhyuk would take a breath, once in a while.
A/N: a remix of canttakeabreath's fic, ORAEYO! thank you to els for letting me remix it ♥ it was way too much fun not to, even if it wasn't for any competition or exchange :) (i think you can read it as a standalone but i would recommend you read the wonderful original first.)
-
It's the first interview in a while, and they've been to enough to know the questions, to know how to smile and which camera's on. But it's the first time it's been this quiet, this empty. It's not Super Junior without fifteen, Donghae thinks. A Promise to Believe isn't worth believing in when there are barely half of them there.
"And how do you feel, Eunhyuk-sshi, with the other members having left to complete military service?"
Donghae winces for him.
In their heart of hearts, everyone knows that Leeteuk is, and will always be leader, and that Eunhyuk's title is just a title -- and Eunhyuk likes it that way. Eunhyuk's happy in his position as lead dancer, and all of them agree that Leeteuk has done a fantastic job as leader and no one could replace him. None of them could ever replace each other.
Donghae remembers cradling Eunhyuk just after Leeteuk and Yesung had left, his neverending tears and his heartwrenching sobs, and even Kyuhyun, stoic-faced Kyuhyun, and Sungmin, baby-faced, heart of steel Sungmin, couldn't keep in their own tears. They're not really Super Junior with so many gone.
But they've been trained for it. So when Eunhyuk pauses for a bit too long, when his smile starts turning a bit fake, Donghae's grip on Eunhyuk's thigh tightens.
Speak.
But Eunhyuk's staring straight ahead, past the camera, past the interviewer, past the media, into an unknown future, into an unknown present. Donghae grabs the mic and pastes on his own smile.
"They're doing what they need to do as a citizen of South Korea," he says. "They've gone on their own terms, and of course we're finding it hard. We miss our members and the dorm feels really empty without them but there are some upsides."
Donghae grins, and he knows that Eunhyuk's face is growing more pinched, that Shindong's hand on his shoulder is heavier than usual and that Ryeowook's smile is anything but real.
"You know, with so many members in dorms it's hard to get a decent spot in the shower! And sharing a dorm with Heechul -- he treats his beauty products as his own babies," Donghae continues, and feels his grin stretch as the memory begins to occupy his mind. It's a stupid one, but it's one with Super Junior, it's one with one of them, because Heechul had been furious when he'd hugged Donghae on stage and smelled his specially imported shampoo under all the make up and sweat right after their first win. There's something special about that.
"And what about you, Eunhyuk-sshi? What's it like, taking over as leader while the other members are in the army?"
This is taboo, and Donghae feels his grin freeze.
They know, all of them know that this topic is the one bound to come up in every single interview, now that Leeteuk is gone. It just reminds them of the gap, of the emptiness and the silence, but Eunhyuk has years of experience of thinking on his feet. He knows how to reply and reply appropriately with the perfect expression.
Donghae watches out of the corner of his eye, the plastic smile still stuck on his face, as Eunhyuk opens his mouth, eyes crinkling a little with sincere feeling, but his body is shaking. Donghae's grip on Eunhyuk tightens.
Come on.
All that comes out is a choked sob, and Donghae feels himself physically move away, putting distance between Eunhyuk and himself, feels himself lift up the shoulder that Shindong's resting on, and Shindong does the only thing he can in awkward situations - he laughs.
It's fake, they can all hear it, but it covers up Eunhyuk's choked sobs, and Shindong continues.
"He's doing a great job. He's always kept the team together in his own way. Now he just has a bit of extra responsibility."
Donghae closes his eyes in silent prayer.
Please.
"But if we miss out comeback stage on Music Bank this weekend, you'll know it's because he killed us during dance practice," Kyuhyun says, and it's an old jibe, but it's safe. The interviewer laughs.
"We are Super Juni--" Eunhyuk says, the first words it feels since forever, and Donghae dares a sidelong glance -- Eunhyuk is pale and sweaty, eyes unfocused -- before he raises his own hand.
"ORAEYO!"
For months after Leeteuk and Yesung had left, Heechul and Kangin already a distant memory, Donghae had tried to comfort Eunhyuk.
They had stay up late talking about predebut days, about Junsu and Jaejoong and Yoochun, about Four Seasons, about that boy who had quit from Super Junior '05, about their family, before Donghae realised how this wasn't good, this wasn't any better than the present, so he asked if he could borrow Ryeowook's keyboard and brought it to Eunhyuk's room.
When they ran out of songs to sing and play, Donghae hesitantly suggested they compose their own song for their comeback.
"After all, it's us who know Super Junior best," he says, thinking about professional lyricists and songwriters and composers.
Eunhyuk swallows before he nods. "Yeah, okay," he says, tired, getting paper from his desk before he sits on the floor, in front of the keyboard and takes a pen.
Carefully, just above the stave, he writes; For Jungsu-hyung, Heechul-hyung, Youngwoon-hyung and Jongwoon-hyung.
It's only then that Donghae realises that Eunhyuk was thinking of people who knew Super Junior better than they ever could.
Donghae knows that by things like age, Sungmin should be their interim leader, or Shindong. But Eunhyuk loves Super Junior with his whole heart, and Sungmin and Shindong acknowledge that.
"He's more honest, more earnest than us," Sungmin says when they talk about Eunhyuk. "He'd do a better job that either of us could."
"You've seen him," Shindong says, and grins. "We need an emotional leader that can cry -- I don't think Sungmin or I qualify."
Sungmin shrieks and hits Shindong, and then pauses. "Oh wait, you're calling me manlier than Hyukjae? Is that a compliment?"
"Only to you," Shindong mutters, and Sungmin screams and hits him again.
After they've calmed down and Sungmin's resting his head in Shindong's lap, Sungmin turns his head and looks at Donghae casually stretching out, feeling his bones click and his muscles whine with discomfort.
"To be honest," Sungmin says, and looks up at Shindong's downward chin. "We thought it might've been you, Donghae. Or at least I did."
"No, I did too," Shindong says, looking down at Sungmin before across at Donghae. "Hyukjae's a great leader and all, but I just thought management would've chosen you."
Guilt strikes Donghae. God, why is he even thinking about these things? He should be supporting Eunhyuk as a leader and making his work easier, not harder. He should be one of the pillars holding up Super Junior, and Eunhyuk, not questioning his authority like this.
"I gotta go," Donghae says, and leaves.
Donghae looks at the clouds and feels sick, turns over and looks away.
He feels trapped in this tiny room, this seventy-five square metre room with its wide windows and wall-length mirror.
He remembers the first lesson he had had in here, learning the TWINS choreography and how the sky had been so encouraging, reminding them that they were about to turn into stars. Now it just serves as a reminder that no matter how high they go, how far they reached, they're little more than what they were when they started.
They have gone a long way, though, from a sure-to-fail project group without any real grounding in the entertainment world to being one of the most popular boybands in the world. They've all come a long way -- Hankyung, Kibum especially -- and-
"Hey Donghae, I think at the part right after the bridge," Eunhyuk says and Donghae looks up at his lithe figure in the mirror. "When it goes, 'dandandan,' we'll have Sungmin, me, you and Ryeowook move to the left, with the rest to the right and do something like this."
Eunhyuk demonstrates, doing a body wave and some complicated hand movement, and counts it out. Donghae watches Eunhyuk move before he hops up, ignoring the mural and focussing on Eunhyuk's words and his determination.
"Five, six, seven, eight," Eunhyuk says, voice almost hoarse, and it pains Donghae more than ever to hear that number.
Even Kibum comes by for their comeback stage, and Donghae doesn't know if he should be worried or grateful. Seeing another familiar face in the changeroom, though dressed casually and looking like he hasn't seen the light of day for years, is always helpful, but seeing Kibum reminds Donghae of everyone else who gave up singing and dancing in one way or another, and Donghae knows Eunhyuk would be thinking the same. They've always been on the same wavelength.
Zhou Mi is there too, in the corner with his ears plugged with their music, alone with his eyes closed, mouthing the words he wrote. Kyuhyun's on his right but chatting with Changmin, who's congratulating them on their comeback, though at this stage it sounds like he's laughing at their clothes, and Donghae has to admit he's seen better.
Scattered around the room are his bandmates, his labelmates and people who've seen them through thick and thin. Their managers over near the doorway, going through their schedule for the rest of their week, the coordi noonas next to the bright mirrors, chatting over the top of Ryeowook and Sungmin's heads as they tug hair into place and even one of their old dance coaches from back in the day, copying Shindong's movements.
Donghae's leaning against Eunhyuk, their backs against each other, sitting on a small table in the very centre of the room. Together, they have a 360 view of the room, and Donghae wishes he could share the burden of leader with Eunhyuk just a bit, help him out, just a bit.
Kibum approaches them, but Eunhyuk is lost in his side of the room, staring intently at something, and Donghae greets him with a smile. They trade standard greetings, asking how work is going and how their family is, and Donghae wonders how one of his best friends grew so distant.
They hug for a brief moment, comfortably snug and warm, and Donghae moves away from Eunhyuk's warm back, suddenly with an armful of Kibum. Eunhyuk doesn't budge, back still ramrod straight even as Donghae leans back, both of them supporting each another as Kibum goes over and greets Eunhyuk. They trade standard greetings as well, and Kibum also bids Eunhyuk farewell with a hug, Eunhyuk leaning away from Donghae and going into it. Donghae follows unconsciously, and he can hear the words Kibum whispers into Eunhyuk's ears.
"You can do this, Hyukjae-hyung."
Eunhyuk goes still, frozen, and so does Donghae, his weight heavy on Eunhyuk's back, and there's a metaphor in here that he doesn't want to think about. Kibum smiles though, and touches lightly on Donghae's shoulder before standing straight again.
"I wish I could be there with you," Donghae hears Kibum say, sounding sincere, and then Eunhyuk's response.
"It's fine."
Donghae knows Eunhyuk is anything but fine at this point -- Eunhyuk is the pillar holding up all of Super Junior, all of their Ever-Lasting Friends, and he doesn't know how Leeteuk handled it all before. Now, though, Donghae understands why Kangin was always so worried about Leeteuk, why he always helped Leeteuk stand up and spoke out more so Leeteuk didn't have to.
And despite what Sungmin and Shindong had said, Donghae knows that Eunhyuk is the leader that Donghae never could be. Donghae doesn't have the confidence to be able to hold up six other people, to wipe away tears and kiss bruised knees and to listen to stories of frustration and hurt. Eunhyuk can do that, can do all of that, and has done that for Donghae for years. If anyone had to replace Leeteuk as leader, Donghae's glad it's Eunhyuk.
Donghae turns so he's facing the same way as Eunhyuk, facing the mirror. He looks at the picture of them, two best friends who've gone through hell and back together, and leans his head on Eunhyuk's shoulder.
"I'm glad it's you," Donghae says with a sigh, smiling a little bit, and Eunhyuk smiles a pained smile, one that is never near the cameras. It reminds Donghae of his own bitter smile after his father had passed away and he was called back to Seoul, to complete the neverending job of being an idol.
“You’re the only one who could take over the promise Jungsu-hyung made to my dad, anyway."
Donghae shuts his eyes against the image of Eunhyuk's pity, buries his head into the curve of Eunhyuk's neck, and breathes shallowly. He wishes, more than ever, his father could see him. Where he is, how he got here.
"Of course, what are best friends for?" Eunhyuk's neck vibrates under Donghae's cheek and he smiles.
For this, Donghae wants to say. Thank you.
It's always strange when life settles down after a comeback stage -- they don't need to rush from practice to practice anymore, don't need to record in a stifling room for thirty straight hours or learn the lyrics of a whole album worth of songs. It always feels like during promotions that they should be working harder than ever to perfect the routine, but once they get past that first stage, really, their Monday to Thursdays free up almost completely.
But even if Donghae is pretty much free to head to the gym, to hang out with Henry or Amber or Chance, or to doodle some notes on a stave and call it a song, Eunhyuk's wrapped up in Leader business, discussing the logistics of their next Super Show and the possibility of a repackage or including Kangin in the latter promotions.
"You need to breathe," Donghae says when Eunhyuk finally returns to the dorms, putting his hands on Eunhyuk's shoulders, and Eunhyuk looks up.
There are only a few centimetres or so of height difference between them, but Eunhyuk feels tiny under Donghae's hands, his gaze lifeless and dead.
"If I wasn't breathing, I'd be dead," Eunhyuk says, quirking half a smile, but Donghae sees underneath it, and steers Eunhyuk to bed.
"You. Are going to sleep. Right now."
Eunhyuk sits on his bed, and Donghae helps him with take off his shoes, tugs at the zipper on his jacket before Eunhyuk stops his hand.
"I have a meeting I have to go to. I have to look over schedules. Has Ryeowook eaten yet today? Did you check Shindong's room for diet pills? What about Kyuhyun? Did he sleep last night--"
Donghae places a firm hand over Eunhyuk's mouth and pushes him back into bed.
"You, are going to sleep. Right now," he says, and shoves a hand into Eunhyuk's pocket. Eunhyuk wriggles pathetically, but already his eyes are fluttering from the comfort of the bed, and Donghae puts Eunhyuk's phone in his own pocket. "Two hours, that's all I ask."
"Two hours," Eunhyuk repeats, half gone.
Donghae draws the blanket up to his chin and watches Eunhyuk begin the quick descent into sleep.
"Two hours," Donghae says, and turns off all alarms.
Kangin returns and everyone's expecting something... more.
Donghae can see the relief on Eunhyuk's face when Kangin steps through the doorway, face bright and happy. Donghae can also see the pure happiness on Sungmin and Ryeowook's face, just so happy to have another member back. Shindong claps Kangin on the back and Sungmin runs forward to hug him and Eunhyuk just about collapses, legs giving way in relief.
"Welcome back," Donghae says, voice a bit hoarse, and he has to blink to keep the tears in check.
There's a delay before Kangin meets his eyes, his smile a little jaded around the edges.
"Thank you, Donghae."
Kangin's back and everyone's expecting him to take the reins again, to be a leader again and no one more than Eunhyuk wants that. Kangin even moves back into the dorms, and Eunhyuk disappears into his room one night, right after a meeting with their managers, and Donghae doesn't hear from them for hours.
He's outside, casually curled up on Sungmin's lap, watching some drama he doesn't really care about when the door opens and Kangin and Eunhyuk emerge. There are still some empty soju bottles on the floor from the welcome back party the night before, and Kangin kicks one on his way to the front door, shrugging on a coat and grabbing his wallet and keys.
"How is he?" Sungmin asks, stroking Donghae's hair absentmindedly, eyes still on the TV. "He looked kind of tired."
Eunhyuk sighs, and Donghae lifts his feet so Eunhyuk can sit.
"Yeah, he's tired," is all Eunhyuk says, and rests his head on Sungmin's shoulder and falls asleep.
Nothing changes, even though Kangin's back.
If Donghae had to describe it, it would be like Super Junior was an incomplete puzzle and Kangin was just another piece that had been lost, and was now found. He wasn't an essential piece, like a corner or an edge, but just one that was there to fill in some space, and since returning, had been warped so he didn't fit back as perfectly as before.
Of course, Donghae refuses to think like that. Super Junior is perfect. Super Junior is his world and his love and their ELFs are his little darlings and his princesses.
And if one of them was a little bit broken upon his return, then it was up to the rest of them to fix him and make sure he was perfect again.
Super Show 4 is a blur to Donghae.
He feels bad, because this is the only time they can really connect with their fans, to really be less like an idol and be more like a human being. But all he remembers from this time is Eunhyuk collapsing backstage, almost throwing up from exhaustion, having an IV drip in him more often than not. He always yanks it out harshly before they go onstage, as if it's a curse, and checks his hair and make up before putting on a bright smile.
Donghae wants to let Eunhyuk lean on him, to not have to bear this burden of four missing souls as they climb onstage and face a sea of sapphire lights.
"I've missed you, my beautiful everlasting friends," Kangin calls out from next to him, and Donghae smiles brightly, the only way he knows how.
"How are you, my darlings!" he shouts out, and smiles brighter when they respond.
"Thank you, my ELFs," Eunhyuk says, almost quiet, and the stadium erupts.
Donghae guests on the final Sukira before Leeteuk returns, sitting next to Eunhyuk for two hours, letting Sungmin and Ryeowook have a rare night off.
They're lucky it isn't one that's camera recorded, because more than once Eunhyuk drifts asleep, head pillowed on the script, and Donghae has to nudge him awake. The third time this happens, Donghae's worried Eunhyuk's so far asleep that he wouldn't feel a slap across the face, so he trickles cold water down Eunhyuk's neck and is reassured when he bolts upright, feeling for a bug.
"You just wait until next time," Eunhyuk sulks. "Next time you fall asleep at an interview, you know what to expect."
Donghae smiles -- it feels good to have Eunhyuk be stripped of his title as leader and be back to best-friend-Hyukjae -- and clicks his fingers.
"Remember 'refreshing glass of water'?" Donghae asks, and Eunhyuk can't help cracking a grin at that.
"Are you asking for something?" he teases, and shrieks when Donghae flicks water at him.
Only for the perfect past, Donghae thinks sadly, but smiles all the same.
"If I remember correctly, you were the only one to be caught twice."
"Then, Lee Donghae-sshi, we'll have to remedy that, won't we?"
Heechul returns from active duty first, and he spends the first few months with his family, only returning to the dorms with Leeteuk and Yesung.
In contrast, there isn't a huge party like there was when Kangin returned, only a quiet affair before Leeteuk and Eunhyuk lock themselves up in a room with some people from management. Yesung seems almost the same, though his smile is a little dimmer, and Heechul barely speaks, now, spending almost all his time with his two cats.
"They've changed," Eunhyuk says, as he consults a schedule of the week, Donghae pretending to sleep on his lap. He pretends to stir and opens his eyes, face souring when he sees the full week ahead for Eunhyuk.
"Who've changed?" Donghae asks, and Eunhyuk looks down.
"Oh, I just meant the schedule," Eunhyuk says before he takes out a highlighter. "It'll be our turn soon, Donghae."
Donghae fists the loose material of Eunhyuk's pants and refuses to look up at Eunhyuk's face.
"Is that what management's saying?"
Eunhyuk sighs and puts down the paper, hand casually combing through Donghae's hair.
"You know it's almost time. It's not just what management's saying -- you knew that once Jungsu-hyung and Jongwoon-hyung came back, it'd be our turn soon."
Donghae closes his eyes, mouth in a hard line.
"I don't like it."
"You can't like everything in life, Donghae-yah, things just happen and you have to go with it."
"When did you get so wise," Donghae mutters. "I don't like it."
"I guess it happened when you weren't there," Eunhyuk says, and it's meant to be a joke but the flat, tired voice he says it in means it's anything but, and Donghae screws his eyes shut and bites his lip, fighting the sudden urge to cry.
"I've always been here for you," Donghae says, voice soft, and Eunhyuk relaxes.
"I know," he says. "Thank you."
Leeteuk's the one that tells them they should be thinking about going to the army soon, his eyes tired and dragging down at the corners.
"It's your duty as citizens of Korea, you should be proud to do it," he says, but the words fall flat, and Donghae doesn't think he believes it. "You guys should think about it."
It's all Eunhyuk thinks about, Donghae knows.
He consults a calendar every night before bed, flicking between August, September, October and November. Donghae knows that Eunhyuk wants to be there for the coming of autumn and chuseok, and that he wants to be there for Donghae's birthday, but that it's probably best to go as early as possible, and their schedule stops just before August. For now, at least.
"Go as soon as possible," Donghae says, watching as Eunhyuk flips between October and November. "Best to get it over with as soon as possible, right?"
Eunhyuk looks up at Donghae, his eyes dead and cold, and Donghae flinches. Is this really his best friend? But Eunhyuk sighs and some life returns to his eyes, and he smiles, tired, always tired.
"You're right," he says, and Donghae shifts, looking over Eunhyuk's shoulder. "August, then?"
"August," Donghae says decisively, grabs the pen, and circles the first of August. "We'll go in August."
"We?"
"Of course. Super Junior never leaves one behind," Donghae says, and smiles.
The months leading up to August are packed with events and activities, so much so that Donghae doesn't have time to regret his decision, even if he doesn't get the chance to visit his family before he goes. The fans also catch word of it around the end of June, which means their July schedules are completely booked, their ELFs hoping to catch one last glimpse before they go off to the army.
"You'd think they'd have forgotten us after so long," Eunhyuk mutters to Donghae at a fansign, waiting his turn.
Donghae signs his signature and the girl's name with a flourish, smiling brightly as she takes it, blushing, before leaning back in his chair and sighing, rotating his wrist.
"Never," Donghae says, and beckons the next girl forward, smiling. "What's your name, my darling?"
"Lee- Lee Jihyun," she stutters, and he scribbles some genetic message as Eunhyuk calls the next girl forward, and smiles at her.
"They're our everlasting friends," Donghae whispers as Eunhyuk signs Super Junior with a flourish. "They'd never forget."
"You'd be surprised," Eunhyuk mutters back before he smiles and beckons the next girl to his desk. "Hello, what's your name?"
Shindong and Sungmin had left in March, bright, identical smiles on their faces as they waved goodbye to their fans at the entrance to the camp, bowing one last thank you. Donghae remembers envying them, how easy it was for them to smile and to leave with no regrets, before he remembers it's only months before he does the same thing.
August arrives quickly, and before he knows it, he's packing his bag and wiping his tears.
"Man up," Heechul says from the doorway to his bedroom, and Donghae turns, making sure his cheeks are dry.
"Hyung."
"It isn't as bad as everyone says," Heechul says, and Donghae smiles a little. This Heechul feels familiar, at least. "You'll survive it; you're a persistent little brat, and if you don't, then what'll your father say?"
"He'll thank you for keeping me out of trouble for all these years," Donghae says, laughter mixing with a sob.
Heechul rolls his eyes and opens his arms, and Donghae runs into them.
"You're such a brat," he says as he hugs Donghae, and Donghae laughs.
He arrives at Eunhyuk's room, empty but for his bag sitting on his pristine bed. Donghae takes it anyway and lifts it onto his other shoulder, looking around before he remembers what Eunhyuk had mentioned the night before.
"I'm scared for Jungsu-hyung," he had said, playing with the threads on Donghae's bed.
"Why?"
"I'm- I'm scared what'll happen to him without me there," Eunhyuk had said, and looked up. Donghae had caught the look in his eye -- it wasn't just fear for Jungsu, but also for his position as Leeteuk, as leader, and for Super Junior.
"He'll have Kangin, just like before," Donghae said, and Eunhyuk had shaken his head. "He'll have Heechul, too. And-- and Siwon, and Ryeowook, and Kyuhyun. You know how much Kyuhyun values Super Junior."
"Kyuhyun loves Super Junior," Eunhyuk had said, laughing breathlessly at the thought of it. "Remember Exploring the Human Body? He bawled like a baby, and he knew it was a joke."
"As if you didn't cry your heart out," Donghae had said, before Eunhyuk protested and tackled him off the bed. "You're such a crybaby, Hyukkie."
So when Donghae slowly opens the door to Kyuhyun's room, he closes it again when he sees Eunhyuk in deep conversation with him. He can just hear them, just, before Kyuhyun's voice erupts.
"ORAEYO!"
Donghae smiles to himself.
They're leaving Super Junior in good hands.
Rating: pg
Pairing/Focus: donghae-centric, lots of platonic hyukhae
Summary: now that leeteuk, yesung and heechul are gone, someone else has to take the reins as leader. donghae just wishes eunhyuk would take a breath, once in a while.
A/N: a remix of canttakeabreath's fic, ORAEYO! thank you to els for letting me remix it ♥ it was way too much fun not to, even if it wasn't for any competition or exchange :) (i think you can read it as a standalone but i would recommend you read the wonderful original first.)
-
It's the first interview in a while, and they've been to enough to know the questions, to know how to smile and which camera's on. But it's the first time it's been this quiet, this empty. It's not Super Junior without fifteen, Donghae thinks. A Promise to Believe isn't worth believing in when there are barely half of them there.
"And how do you feel, Eunhyuk-sshi, with the other members having left to complete military service?"
Donghae winces for him.
In their heart of hearts, everyone knows that Leeteuk is, and will always be leader, and that Eunhyuk's title is just a title -- and Eunhyuk likes it that way. Eunhyuk's happy in his position as lead dancer, and all of them agree that Leeteuk has done a fantastic job as leader and no one could replace him. None of them could ever replace each other.
Donghae remembers cradling Eunhyuk just after Leeteuk and Yesung had left, his neverending tears and his heartwrenching sobs, and even Kyuhyun, stoic-faced Kyuhyun, and Sungmin, baby-faced, heart of steel Sungmin, couldn't keep in their own tears. They're not really Super Junior with so many gone.
But they've been trained for it. So when Eunhyuk pauses for a bit too long, when his smile starts turning a bit fake, Donghae's grip on Eunhyuk's thigh tightens.
Speak.
But Eunhyuk's staring straight ahead, past the camera, past the interviewer, past the media, into an unknown future, into an unknown present. Donghae grabs the mic and pastes on his own smile.
"They're doing what they need to do as a citizen of South Korea," he says. "They've gone on their own terms, and of course we're finding it hard. We miss our members and the dorm feels really empty without them but there are some upsides."
Donghae grins, and he knows that Eunhyuk's face is growing more pinched, that Shindong's hand on his shoulder is heavier than usual and that Ryeowook's smile is anything but real.
"You know, with so many members in dorms it's hard to get a decent spot in the shower! And sharing a dorm with Heechul -- he treats his beauty products as his own babies," Donghae continues, and feels his grin stretch as the memory begins to occupy his mind. It's a stupid one, but it's one with Super Junior, it's one with one of them, because Heechul had been furious when he'd hugged Donghae on stage and smelled his specially imported shampoo under all the make up and sweat right after their first win. There's something special about that.
"And what about you, Eunhyuk-sshi? What's it like, taking over as leader while the other members are in the army?"
This is taboo, and Donghae feels his grin freeze.
They know, all of them know that this topic is the one bound to come up in every single interview, now that Leeteuk is gone. It just reminds them of the gap, of the emptiness and the silence, but Eunhyuk has years of experience of thinking on his feet. He knows how to reply and reply appropriately with the perfect expression.
Donghae watches out of the corner of his eye, the plastic smile still stuck on his face, as Eunhyuk opens his mouth, eyes crinkling a little with sincere feeling, but his body is shaking. Donghae's grip on Eunhyuk tightens.
Come on.
All that comes out is a choked sob, and Donghae feels himself physically move away, putting distance between Eunhyuk and himself, feels himself lift up the shoulder that Shindong's resting on, and Shindong does the only thing he can in awkward situations - he laughs.
It's fake, they can all hear it, but it covers up Eunhyuk's choked sobs, and Shindong continues.
"He's doing a great job. He's always kept the team together in his own way. Now he just has a bit of extra responsibility."
Donghae closes his eyes in silent prayer.
Please.
"But if we miss out comeback stage on Music Bank this weekend, you'll know it's because he killed us during dance practice," Kyuhyun says, and it's an old jibe, but it's safe. The interviewer laughs.
"We are Super Juni--" Eunhyuk says, the first words it feels since forever, and Donghae dares a sidelong glance -- Eunhyuk is pale and sweaty, eyes unfocused -- before he raises his own hand.
"ORAEYO!"
For months after Leeteuk and Yesung had left, Heechul and Kangin already a distant memory, Donghae had tried to comfort Eunhyuk.
They had stay up late talking about predebut days, about Junsu and Jaejoong and Yoochun, about Four Seasons, about that boy who had quit from Super Junior '05, about their family, before Donghae realised how this wasn't good, this wasn't any better than the present, so he asked if he could borrow Ryeowook's keyboard and brought it to Eunhyuk's room.
When they ran out of songs to sing and play, Donghae hesitantly suggested they compose their own song for their comeback.
"After all, it's us who know Super Junior best," he says, thinking about professional lyricists and songwriters and composers.
Eunhyuk swallows before he nods. "Yeah, okay," he says, tired, getting paper from his desk before he sits on the floor, in front of the keyboard and takes a pen.
Carefully, just above the stave, he writes; For Jungsu-hyung, Heechul-hyung, Youngwoon-hyung and Jongwoon-hyung.
It's only then that Donghae realises that Eunhyuk was thinking of people who knew Super Junior better than they ever could.
Donghae knows that by things like age, Sungmin should be their interim leader, or Shindong. But Eunhyuk loves Super Junior with his whole heart, and Sungmin and Shindong acknowledge that.
"He's more honest, more earnest than us," Sungmin says when they talk about Eunhyuk. "He'd do a better job that either of us could."
"You've seen him," Shindong says, and grins. "We need an emotional leader that can cry -- I don't think Sungmin or I qualify."
Sungmin shrieks and hits Shindong, and then pauses. "Oh wait, you're calling me manlier than Hyukjae? Is that a compliment?"
"Only to you," Shindong mutters, and Sungmin screams and hits him again.
After they've calmed down and Sungmin's resting his head in Shindong's lap, Sungmin turns his head and looks at Donghae casually stretching out, feeling his bones click and his muscles whine with discomfort.
"To be honest," Sungmin says, and looks up at Shindong's downward chin. "We thought it might've been you, Donghae. Or at least I did."
"No, I did too," Shindong says, looking down at Sungmin before across at Donghae. "Hyukjae's a great leader and all, but I just thought management would've chosen you."
Guilt strikes Donghae. God, why is he even thinking about these things? He should be supporting Eunhyuk as a leader and making his work easier, not harder. He should be one of the pillars holding up Super Junior, and Eunhyuk, not questioning his authority like this.
"I gotta go," Donghae says, and leaves.
Donghae looks at the clouds and feels sick, turns over and looks away.
He feels trapped in this tiny room, this seventy-five square metre room with its wide windows and wall-length mirror.
He remembers the first lesson he had had in here, learning the TWINS choreography and how the sky had been so encouraging, reminding them that they were about to turn into stars. Now it just serves as a reminder that no matter how high they go, how far they reached, they're little more than what they were when they started.
They have gone a long way, though, from a sure-to-fail project group without any real grounding in the entertainment world to being one of the most popular boybands in the world. They've all come a long way -- Hankyung, Kibum especially -- and-
"Hey Donghae, I think at the part right after the bridge," Eunhyuk says and Donghae looks up at his lithe figure in the mirror. "When it goes, 'dandandan,' we'll have Sungmin, me, you and Ryeowook move to the left, with the rest to the right and do something like this."
Eunhyuk demonstrates, doing a body wave and some complicated hand movement, and counts it out. Donghae watches Eunhyuk move before he hops up, ignoring the mural and focussing on Eunhyuk's words and his determination.
"Five, six, seven, eight," Eunhyuk says, voice almost hoarse, and it pains Donghae more than ever to hear that number.
Even Kibum comes by for their comeback stage, and Donghae doesn't know if he should be worried or grateful. Seeing another familiar face in the changeroom, though dressed casually and looking like he hasn't seen the light of day for years, is always helpful, but seeing Kibum reminds Donghae of everyone else who gave up singing and dancing in one way or another, and Donghae knows Eunhyuk would be thinking the same. They've always been on the same wavelength.
Zhou Mi is there too, in the corner with his ears plugged with their music, alone with his eyes closed, mouthing the words he wrote. Kyuhyun's on his right but chatting with Changmin, who's congratulating them on their comeback, though at this stage it sounds like he's laughing at their clothes, and Donghae has to admit he's seen better.
Scattered around the room are his bandmates, his labelmates and people who've seen them through thick and thin. Their managers over near the doorway, going through their schedule for the rest of their week, the coordi noonas next to the bright mirrors, chatting over the top of Ryeowook and Sungmin's heads as they tug hair into place and even one of their old dance coaches from back in the day, copying Shindong's movements.
Donghae's leaning against Eunhyuk, their backs against each other, sitting on a small table in the very centre of the room. Together, they have a 360 view of the room, and Donghae wishes he could share the burden of leader with Eunhyuk just a bit, help him out, just a bit.
Kibum approaches them, but Eunhyuk is lost in his side of the room, staring intently at something, and Donghae greets him with a smile. They trade standard greetings, asking how work is going and how their family is, and Donghae wonders how one of his best friends grew so distant.
They hug for a brief moment, comfortably snug and warm, and Donghae moves away from Eunhyuk's warm back, suddenly with an armful of Kibum. Eunhyuk doesn't budge, back still ramrod straight even as Donghae leans back, both of them supporting each another as Kibum goes over and greets Eunhyuk. They trade standard greetings as well, and Kibum also bids Eunhyuk farewell with a hug, Eunhyuk leaning away from Donghae and going into it. Donghae follows unconsciously, and he can hear the words Kibum whispers into Eunhyuk's ears.
"You can do this, Hyukjae-hyung."
Eunhyuk goes still, frozen, and so does Donghae, his weight heavy on Eunhyuk's back, and there's a metaphor in here that he doesn't want to think about. Kibum smiles though, and touches lightly on Donghae's shoulder before standing straight again.
"I wish I could be there with you," Donghae hears Kibum say, sounding sincere, and then Eunhyuk's response.
"It's fine."
Donghae knows Eunhyuk is anything but fine at this point -- Eunhyuk is the pillar holding up all of Super Junior, all of their Ever-Lasting Friends, and he doesn't know how Leeteuk handled it all before. Now, though, Donghae understands why Kangin was always so worried about Leeteuk, why he always helped Leeteuk stand up and spoke out more so Leeteuk didn't have to.
And despite what Sungmin and Shindong had said, Donghae knows that Eunhyuk is the leader that Donghae never could be. Donghae doesn't have the confidence to be able to hold up six other people, to wipe away tears and kiss bruised knees and to listen to stories of frustration and hurt. Eunhyuk can do that, can do all of that, and has done that for Donghae for years. If anyone had to replace Leeteuk as leader, Donghae's glad it's Eunhyuk.
Donghae turns so he's facing the same way as Eunhyuk, facing the mirror. He looks at the picture of them, two best friends who've gone through hell and back together, and leans his head on Eunhyuk's shoulder.
"I'm glad it's you," Donghae says with a sigh, smiling a little bit, and Eunhyuk smiles a pained smile, one that is never near the cameras. It reminds Donghae of his own bitter smile after his father had passed away and he was called back to Seoul, to complete the neverending job of being an idol.
“You’re the only one who could take over the promise Jungsu-hyung made to my dad, anyway."
Donghae shuts his eyes against the image of Eunhyuk's pity, buries his head into the curve of Eunhyuk's neck, and breathes shallowly. He wishes, more than ever, his father could see him. Where he is, how he got here.
"Of course, what are best friends for?" Eunhyuk's neck vibrates under Donghae's cheek and he smiles.
For this, Donghae wants to say. Thank you.
It's always strange when life settles down after a comeback stage -- they don't need to rush from practice to practice anymore, don't need to record in a stifling room for thirty straight hours or learn the lyrics of a whole album worth of songs. It always feels like during promotions that they should be working harder than ever to perfect the routine, but once they get past that first stage, really, their Monday to Thursdays free up almost completely.
But even if Donghae is pretty much free to head to the gym, to hang out with Henry or Amber or Chance, or to doodle some notes on a stave and call it a song, Eunhyuk's wrapped up in Leader business, discussing the logistics of their next Super Show and the possibility of a repackage or including Kangin in the latter promotions.
"You need to breathe," Donghae says when Eunhyuk finally returns to the dorms, putting his hands on Eunhyuk's shoulders, and Eunhyuk looks up.
There are only a few centimetres or so of height difference between them, but Eunhyuk feels tiny under Donghae's hands, his gaze lifeless and dead.
"If I wasn't breathing, I'd be dead," Eunhyuk says, quirking half a smile, but Donghae sees underneath it, and steers Eunhyuk to bed.
"You. Are going to sleep. Right now."
Eunhyuk sits on his bed, and Donghae helps him with take off his shoes, tugs at the zipper on his jacket before Eunhyuk stops his hand.
"I have a meeting I have to go to. I have to look over schedules. Has Ryeowook eaten yet today? Did you check Shindong's room for diet pills? What about Kyuhyun? Did he sleep last night--"
Donghae places a firm hand over Eunhyuk's mouth and pushes him back into bed.
"You, are going to sleep. Right now," he says, and shoves a hand into Eunhyuk's pocket. Eunhyuk wriggles pathetically, but already his eyes are fluttering from the comfort of the bed, and Donghae puts Eunhyuk's phone in his own pocket. "Two hours, that's all I ask."
"Two hours," Eunhyuk repeats, half gone.
Donghae draws the blanket up to his chin and watches Eunhyuk begin the quick descent into sleep.
"Two hours," Donghae says, and turns off all alarms.
Kangin returns and everyone's expecting something... more.
Donghae can see the relief on Eunhyuk's face when Kangin steps through the doorway, face bright and happy. Donghae can also see the pure happiness on Sungmin and Ryeowook's face, just so happy to have another member back. Shindong claps Kangin on the back and Sungmin runs forward to hug him and Eunhyuk just about collapses, legs giving way in relief.
"Welcome back," Donghae says, voice a bit hoarse, and he has to blink to keep the tears in check.
There's a delay before Kangin meets his eyes, his smile a little jaded around the edges.
"Thank you, Donghae."
Kangin's back and everyone's expecting him to take the reins again, to be a leader again and no one more than Eunhyuk wants that. Kangin even moves back into the dorms, and Eunhyuk disappears into his room one night, right after a meeting with their managers, and Donghae doesn't hear from them for hours.
He's outside, casually curled up on Sungmin's lap, watching some drama he doesn't really care about when the door opens and Kangin and Eunhyuk emerge. There are still some empty soju bottles on the floor from the welcome back party the night before, and Kangin kicks one on his way to the front door, shrugging on a coat and grabbing his wallet and keys.
"How is he?" Sungmin asks, stroking Donghae's hair absentmindedly, eyes still on the TV. "He looked kind of tired."
Eunhyuk sighs, and Donghae lifts his feet so Eunhyuk can sit.
"Yeah, he's tired," is all Eunhyuk says, and rests his head on Sungmin's shoulder and falls asleep.
Nothing changes, even though Kangin's back.
If Donghae had to describe it, it would be like Super Junior was an incomplete puzzle and Kangin was just another piece that had been lost, and was now found. He wasn't an essential piece, like a corner or an edge, but just one that was there to fill in some space, and since returning, had been warped so he didn't fit back as perfectly as before.
Of course, Donghae refuses to think like that. Super Junior is perfect. Super Junior is his world and his love and their ELFs are his little darlings and his princesses.
And if one of them was a little bit broken upon his return, then it was up to the rest of them to fix him and make sure he was perfect again.
Super Show 4 is a blur to Donghae.
He feels bad, because this is the only time they can really connect with their fans, to really be less like an idol and be more like a human being. But all he remembers from this time is Eunhyuk collapsing backstage, almost throwing up from exhaustion, having an IV drip in him more often than not. He always yanks it out harshly before they go onstage, as if it's a curse, and checks his hair and make up before putting on a bright smile.
Donghae wants to let Eunhyuk lean on him, to not have to bear this burden of four missing souls as they climb onstage and face a sea of sapphire lights.
"I've missed you, my beautiful everlasting friends," Kangin calls out from next to him, and Donghae smiles brightly, the only way he knows how.
"How are you, my darlings!" he shouts out, and smiles brighter when they respond.
"Thank you, my ELFs," Eunhyuk says, almost quiet, and the stadium erupts.
Donghae guests on the final Sukira before Leeteuk returns, sitting next to Eunhyuk for two hours, letting Sungmin and Ryeowook have a rare night off.
They're lucky it isn't one that's camera recorded, because more than once Eunhyuk drifts asleep, head pillowed on the script, and Donghae has to nudge him awake. The third time this happens, Donghae's worried Eunhyuk's so far asleep that he wouldn't feel a slap across the face, so he trickles cold water down Eunhyuk's neck and is reassured when he bolts upright, feeling for a bug.
"You just wait until next time," Eunhyuk sulks. "Next time you fall asleep at an interview, you know what to expect."
Donghae smiles -- it feels good to have Eunhyuk be stripped of his title as leader and be back to best-friend-Hyukjae -- and clicks his fingers.
"Remember 'refreshing glass of water'?" Donghae asks, and Eunhyuk can't help cracking a grin at that.
"Are you asking for something?" he teases, and shrieks when Donghae flicks water at him.
Only for the perfect past, Donghae thinks sadly, but smiles all the same.
"If I remember correctly, you were the only one to be caught twice."
"Then, Lee Donghae-sshi, we'll have to remedy that, won't we?"
Heechul returns from active duty first, and he spends the first few months with his family, only returning to the dorms with Leeteuk and Yesung.
In contrast, there isn't a huge party like there was when Kangin returned, only a quiet affair before Leeteuk and Eunhyuk lock themselves up in a room with some people from management. Yesung seems almost the same, though his smile is a little dimmer, and Heechul barely speaks, now, spending almost all his time with his two cats.
"They've changed," Eunhyuk says, as he consults a schedule of the week, Donghae pretending to sleep on his lap. He pretends to stir and opens his eyes, face souring when he sees the full week ahead for Eunhyuk.
"Who've changed?" Donghae asks, and Eunhyuk looks down.
"Oh, I just meant the schedule," Eunhyuk says before he takes out a highlighter. "It'll be our turn soon, Donghae."
Donghae fists the loose material of Eunhyuk's pants and refuses to look up at Eunhyuk's face.
"Is that what management's saying?"
Eunhyuk sighs and puts down the paper, hand casually combing through Donghae's hair.
"You know it's almost time. It's not just what management's saying -- you knew that once Jungsu-hyung and Jongwoon-hyung came back, it'd be our turn soon."
Donghae closes his eyes, mouth in a hard line.
"I don't like it."
"You can't like everything in life, Donghae-yah, things just happen and you have to go with it."
"When did you get so wise," Donghae mutters. "I don't like it."
"I guess it happened when you weren't there," Eunhyuk says, and it's meant to be a joke but the flat, tired voice he says it in means it's anything but, and Donghae screws his eyes shut and bites his lip, fighting the sudden urge to cry.
"I've always been here for you," Donghae says, voice soft, and Eunhyuk relaxes.
"I know," he says. "Thank you."
Leeteuk's the one that tells them they should be thinking about going to the army soon, his eyes tired and dragging down at the corners.
"It's your duty as citizens of Korea, you should be proud to do it," he says, but the words fall flat, and Donghae doesn't think he believes it. "You guys should think about it."
It's all Eunhyuk thinks about, Donghae knows.
He consults a calendar every night before bed, flicking between August, September, October and November. Donghae knows that Eunhyuk wants to be there for the coming of autumn and chuseok, and that he wants to be there for Donghae's birthday, but that it's probably best to go as early as possible, and their schedule stops just before August. For now, at least.
"Go as soon as possible," Donghae says, watching as Eunhyuk flips between October and November. "Best to get it over with as soon as possible, right?"
Eunhyuk looks up at Donghae, his eyes dead and cold, and Donghae flinches. Is this really his best friend? But Eunhyuk sighs and some life returns to his eyes, and he smiles, tired, always tired.
"You're right," he says, and Donghae shifts, looking over Eunhyuk's shoulder. "August, then?"
"August," Donghae says decisively, grabs the pen, and circles the first of August. "We'll go in August."
"We?"
"Of course. Super Junior never leaves one behind," Donghae says, and smiles.
The months leading up to August are packed with events and activities, so much so that Donghae doesn't have time to regret his decision, even if he doesn't get the chance to visit his family before he goes. The fans also catch word of it around the end of June, which means their July schedules are completely booked, their ELFs hoping to catch one last glimpse before they go off to the army.
"You'd think they'd have forgotten us after so long," Eunhyuk mutters to Donghae at a fansign, waiting his turn.
Donghae signs his signature and the girl's name with a flourish, smiling brightly as she takes it, blushing, before leaning back in his chair and sighing, rotating his wrist.
"Never," Donghae says, and beckons the next girl forward, smiling. "What's your name, my darling?"
"Lee- Lee Jihyun," she stutters, and he scribbles some genetic message as Eunhyuk calls the next girl forward, and smiles at her.
"They're our everlasting friends," Donghae whispers as Eunhyuk signs Super Junior with a flourish. "They'd never forget."
"You'd be surprised," Eunhyuk mutters back before he smiles and beckons the next girl to his desk. "Hello, what's your name?"
Shindong and Sungmin had left in March, bright, identical smiles on their faces as they waved goodbye to their fans at the entrance to the camp, bowing one last thank you. Donghae remembers envying them, how easy it was for them to smile and to leave with no regrets, before he remembers it's only months before he does the same thing.
August arrives quickly, and before he knows it, he's packing his bag and wiping his tears.
"Man up," Heechul says from the doorway to his bedroom, and Donghae turns, making sure his cheeks are dry.
"Hyung."
"It isn't as bad as everyone says," Heechul says, and Donghae smiles a little. This Heechul feels familiar, at least. "You'll survive it; you're a persistent little brat, and if you don't, then what'll your father say?"
"He'll thank you for keeping me out of trouble for all these years," Donghae says, laughter mixing with a sob.
Heechul rolls his eyes and opens his arms, and Donghae runs into them.
"You're such a brat," he says as he hugs Donghae, and Donghae laughs.
He arrives at Eunhyuk's room, empty but for his bag sitting on his pristine bed. Donghae takes it anyway and lifts it onto his other shoulder, looking around before he remembers what Eunhyuk had mentioned the night before.
"I'm scared for Jungsu-hyung," he had said, playing with the threads on Donghae's bed.
"Why?"
"I'm- I'm scared what'll happen to him without me there," Eunhyuk had said, and looked up. Donghae had caught the look in his eye -- it wasn't just fear for Jungsu, but also for his position as Leeteuk, as leader, and for Super Junior.
"He'll have Kangin, just like before," Donghae said, and Eunhyuk had shaken his head. "He'll have Heechul, too. And-- and Siwon, and Ryeowook, and Kyuhyun. You know how much Kyuhyun values Super Junior."
"Kyuhyun loves Super Junior," Eunhyuk had said, laughing breathlessly at the thought of it. "Remember Exploring the Human Body? He bawled like a baby, and he knew it was a joke."
"As if you didn't cry your heart out," Donghae had said, before Eunhyuk protested and tackled him off the bed. "You're such a crybaby, Hyukkie."
So when Donghae slowly opens the door to Kyuhyun's room, he closes it again when he sees Eunhyuk in deep conversation with him. He can just hear them, just, before Kyuhyun's voice erupts.
"ORAEYO!"
Donghae smiles to himself.
They're leaving Super Junior in good hands.