036.
for jeny ♥ happy belated birthday
(oops, forgot to mention that this is based on Ariel Lin's Fireflies mv.)
-
"Hey, my friend from Korea's coming over. Hope you don't mind."
Amber's voice floats through the living room until it rests, unbidden, on Hangeng's chest as he lies in bed. He stifles a yawn before dragging himself up and landing on Amber on the couch.
"Yeah?" he whispers, sleeping into Amber's neck. She wriggles, trying to get into a position where she can kick him off.
"Yeah, just for a few days. Says he wants to meet someone. I offered him the spare bedroom if that's okay."
Hangeng's already dropping off into sleep again, so he just mutters a breathy, "yeah, s'cool," into Amber's neck and falls asleep.
"Just warning you that he might insult you when he doesn't really mean it," Amber says on the way to the airport, looking out the window. "He just has a way of doing that, kind of just lacking a brain-to-mouth filter, but that's cool! He doesn't mean it. Just get on his good side and it'll be alright. You're okay with this, right?"
Hangeng looks over, hands loose on the steering wheel, and the look Amber has on is so utterly hopeless and worried that he just laughs and ruffles her hair.
"Yeah I'm fine with it. Just as long as he doesn't set the kitchen on fire or throw my socks out or rip a hole in the sofa--"
"Never gonna let me live that down, are you?"
He flashes her a charming smile, and she scowls.
"Never."
Amber instructs him to stay in the car as she fetches her friend because he doesn't trust him, apparently, but what's there not to trust? He's almost hurt. He hears her loud voice as they near, and gets ready to smile, to leave a good first impression.
Like a tonne of bricks, the first look is one you just can never forget.
He's a bit different now, his hair looser over his shoulders, eyes softer and more yielding, but his body still tall and lean. He's dressed quieter, just in a plain, striped shirt and cardigan, loose jeans on, and Hangeng's mind can't help but remember when he used to don skinnies and feather boas for fun.
"This is Heechul!" Amber says, her arm locked with his. "And this is my boyfriend, Hangeng."
Heechul shuts his mouth, smiles and nods. "Hello Hangeng, it's nice to meet you."
Hangeng wants to close his eyes, savour the sound he hasn't heard in so many years, but he doesn't.
"It's nice to meet you too, Heechul."
"Here, lemme grab your suitcase and you can sit in the front, since you're our guest! We'll take you out for dinner since you haven't been here before, but don't worry, it'll be cool. Do you have plans? We can take you to all the attractions and sightseeing stuff tomorrow, if you want! When you flying out? Maybe we can plan before that and--"
"Amber," Hangeng says quietly as she jumps into the back, looking at Heechul, who refuses to look back.
"Yes?"
"Shut up."
Amber makes a loud show of shutting up, sighing and clicking her seat belt in as Hangeng pulls away from the curb.
"Heechul?" Hangeng asks in the same voice.
"Han... geng?" Heechul was always the actor, voice unsure as he makes his way around the name.
"Could you please put your seat belt on?"
There's a hint of a smirk, but Heechul obeys and Amber rolls her eyes.
"So, tell me about Korea, Heechul," Amber prompts, and he obeys, voice soft and most certainly uncertain in a way Hangeng hasn't heard in years.
Hangeng feels like he's drowning in a voice and a language he hasn't heard since before -- before he can remember. But he reminds himself that Amber is who he cares about now, the past gone by and irretrievable.
"It's good," Heechul sums out, and Hangeng looks at the windscreen to see the reflection of Heechul looking at him. He knows what he means.
We're good.
Amber makes up Heechul's bed before Hangeng interrupts and takes the bedsheets from her arms.
"What're you--"
Hangeng gives her the soft smile, the one she can't help but still blush a bit over.
"Go entertain our guest; he's your friend. We'll go out for dinner in a bit."
Amber gives him a quick peck on the cheek before darting out, shouting a greeting. Their low voices fill the apartment slowly, talking about people Hangeng's never heard of nor will ever meet, and of a foreign place he has no desire to visit.
When he's done, he lies on top of the bed, staring at the ceiling and the small light. It's so utterly blank and flawless that he longs to just reach up, drag dulled nails through the paint to scratch it and let Heechul know what he thinks. What he wants Heechul to know.
Instead, he gets off the bed, smoothes it out once more, and walks to the living room, pausing at the doorway.
"Do you remember Krystal, and her sister, Jessica? Man, they've gone to places now -- went back to the US for a while but came back to Korea again, and you wouldn't believe it! Jessica went blond, completely blond, and it looks fantastic on her, I kind of want to do it too, but I don't think it'd suit me, do you think it would? Oh, and you remember Baengshin? And Sungmin? Sungmin got another cat named Sen, and Sen and Baengshin fight all the fucking time, you wouldn't believe how loud they get, and how many scratches Sungmin and I have got from those stupid cats, but I guess it's worth it--"
Amber's laughing, doubled over on her couch even as she tries to put up a hand to get Heechul to stop talking. Hangeng can see them clearly from the doorway, even as Heechul splutters, indignant, and Amber can barely open her eyes.
"Yah! Don't you believe me? Here." He hastens to roll up his sleeve. "LOOK! Vicious, bratty cats, look! Here, and here, and here. I was bleeding all over the place, ruined one of my nicest shirts, and Sungmin just laughed at me, even though Sen was scratching him too. He got one on his cheek, but he just put a bandaid on it and says he got into some gangster fight, the liar--"
"Stop," Amber gasps, trying to swallow her laughter. "Stop, just stop."
Heechul closes his mouth, amused.
Amber breathes, trying to regain her composure as she fans her reddened face. Hangeng takes this moment to walk in, clearing his throat, and Heechul's eyes glance up to him before sliding away.
"Should we go for dinner now?"
Heechul immediately quietens, becoming almost soft and plaint, and Hangeng's reminded of a ragdoll, so obedient.
"Sure, where do you want to go?" Amber draws her legs closer to her, sitting on the couch, and Heechul and Hangeng's eyes meet over the top of her head.
"Anywhere," Hangeng says, at the same time that Heechul does. Amber looks at them both before getting to her feet and hauling Heechul up.
"Okay, let's just get out and walk."
Hangeng is more aware of everything with Heechul there, things he wasn't aware of even when he walked with Amber down the same street the first time. Things like how bright and obnoxious the Chinese characters are, or the underlying stentch of the city underneath all the enticing smells of food. Like how Heechul's hair seems brighter than it ever had before despite the dull brown it's dyed, or the way the stars seem to have disappeared.
"You should try this," Amber says, amused as she points to rows of roasted scorpions. Even Hangeng wrinkles his nose and Heechul reels back and points to some rice and pork.
"That looks good."
They end up in a loud, boisterous restaurant, one of Amber's favourite hangouts where the auntie knows her by name and pinches her cheek.
"What would you like today, hon? Pork's good today even if I know you like the chicken, but I can't guarantee that Chef will cook it as you like it because you know how he is, MEN, ALWAYS SO FICKLE AND STUPID! You should never marry, hear that boys? Little Yi Yun is too precious for either of you! If she has half a brain, she won't marry either of you and she'll remain single and rich! So smart and such a good little girl, remember all your parents have done for you and take care of them when you're older, you hear? Insolent, greatfulness brats, you'd think--"
"Hello auntie," Amber eventually says, trying not to laugh. She points to about five different things on the menu. "Just these!"
"You're a good girl," the lady says, ruffling Amber's hair. "Take care, you hear? I'll have your dishes out in a sec."
"Thank you auntie!" She elbows both boys on either side of her, and they automatically bow.
"Thank you auntie."
Dinner is quiet, filled with the chatter of Mandarin around them and the slurping of food. Heechul remains silent, and Hangeng can't bring himself to shatter the silence that used to be so rare. He can't remember the last time he saw the other man completely at ease without words.
Amber, on the other hand, simply eats, delighted with food.
"Good?" she asks Heechul when they're done.
"Very."
The only sound on the way home is Amber's voice, delightedly pointing out attractions or fascination, filing in what would've been an awkward silence.
"So why you here again, Heechul?" Amber asks, walking a bit in front of them both.
She turns when she asks it, quick enough to see Hangeng shield away and turn his head.
"I need to meet someone," Heechul offers.
"Who?"
"You could call him my first love."
"Oh? Well, let us know if you need help." Amber shoots him a quick grin and Hangeng finds the air to breathe.
"I'll be fine," Heechul says, and they leave it at that.
It's a sleepless night for Hangeng, knowing that Heechul is only a wall away. When he closes his eyes, he remembers another moment in perhaps another life, where the autumn had been colder than the current spring.
He remembers the sharp edge of a plane ticket, betrayal and abandonment rolled into one. The state of disarray the room had been in, and how cold it had been.
"Where you going."
Even the most innocent, simplistic questions had the power to sound like accusations. But maybe he meant it that way.
"Home."
Heechul's voice was matter-of-fact, the word home slapping Hangeng in the face with a curl of the tongue.
To Heechul, home meant words spoken a bit softer but sharper, stars in the sky and a cellphone that worked.
To Hangeng, home was the place Heechul was leaving.
The agreement had been a shared apartment and a warm bed. It had said nothing of breaking hearts or keeping promises of forever. It had only ever mentioned a time period of six months, marked carefully on a calendar.
Six months wasn't long, but it wasn't short either. They made the best of it, perhaps falling in love along the way. But Heechul remembered that sheet of paper, even as Hangeng forgot.
"Bye Hangeng."
"Bye."
But the present is here, now, with Amber breathing softly beside him and holding his heart so easily.
"You know I love you, right?" he whispers to her, and she smiles in her sleep.
"Love you too."
Early next morning, Heechul disappears before either of them rouse.
"Where do you think he went?" Amber asks, flicking through TV channels, Hangeng in the kitchen. He peels another potato and drops it into the sink.
"I'm sure he can take care of himself."
Amber stops on the news channel, a headline about an earthquake flashing on the screen.
"Well, yeah, I'm not saying he can't, but where would he go? It's not like he's been here before, or would even know the city."
"Better not underestimate people." He learnt it the hard way.
Amber hums in agreement.
"Well I hope he comes home for dinner."
The feeling of being free in a city, no strings tying him down, is foreign to Heechul.
The language is harsh, syllables slurred and rushed around him; the sun bright and glorious in some ways but intimidating otherwise. The very air burns.
He has missed this.
Once upon a time, on a six month trip to Shanghai, Heechul had known the city like the back of his hand. he had known the name of the lady who sold his favourite dumplings, the colour of the ripiest, tastiest plums in summer and the smell of the city. He had known the shortcut to the neartest train station -- past abandoned slums and through the smallest alleyways -- and the birds that alighted on their balcony every morning.
He had called Shanghai home, but now, he isn't sure he knows what home means anymore.
"Hyung," Zhou Mi greets him happily, standing and invading Personal Space. He was always an exception anyway.
"Zhou Mi."
The small dessert place hasn't changed much in four years, and neither has the man in front of him; still ten metres tall with a smile miles wide.
"How was your trip?" Zhou Mi smiles as he says it, poking ice cubs. Heechul puts a hand up to order, but Zhou Mi lowers it. "Ordered. Still the same, right?"
Here's a bit of home. Heechul lets out a breath, restraining a smile. He can't deny he's surprised Zhou Mi still rememebrs.
"Yeah. The trip was okay, couldn't really sleep. Amber picked me up at the airport."
Zhou Mi brights at the name. "She did? That was nice of her, I didn't think she had the time or the car--"
Heechul times it carefully.
"Hangeng was with her."
"Oh."
Awkward silence ensues, broken only by the arrival of some mango pudding.
"You didn't tell me, since you must've known."
Must've. Zhou Mi gnaws at his lip, fringe and glasses covering his eyes.
"I thought she wouldn't have, or he wouldn't have gone. Or that, I don't know, maybe it would've been alright or--"
"She doesn't know."
Zhou Mi's head shoots up and his glasses goes askew.
"Know? Know what? That you guys dated? That you used to live with him?"
"No." Heechul tries to keep his gaze steady, meet Zhou Mi's head on because, fuck, what is he, weak?
"She doesn't know I know him."
The expression Zhou Mi has on is frowny and confused, lips downturned and uncharacteristic.
"Wait, how does that work? So you're just crashing at their house, pretending not to know him? How do you even begin to pretend about that kind of thing."
Heechul shrugs.
"It's not like it's hard." Not like it's easy, either. "It's only for a week."
"A week is a long time," Zhou Mi says, and it's true.
There's quiet, before Heechul sighs and pushes his fringe back.
"So how've you been, what've you been up to?"
Zhou Mi laughs, breathless with no real feeling in it.
"Good, I've been good. I'm, ah, planning on proposing to Ah Qian soon."
Heechul nods, before he pauses. "Ah Qian? Song Qian? You guys had only just met five years ago."
"Yeah. It was love at first sight." Zhou Mi flutters his lashes and puts his hands on his chest. Heechul snorts and slaps at him before Zhou Mi laughs and then smiles into his glass, bashful. "But I really love her, so I think it's the right thing to do. I don't know, do you think she'll say yes?"
As a hyung, Heechul is obliged to agree, to put Zhou Mi's mind at ease even if he doesn't think so. But he does -- he's met Song Qian and they're perfect for each other. He's not lying when he says, "Yeah, she'll say yes."
Zhou Mi smiles gratefully, but shakes his head.
"Enough about me; we haven't met up in so long that that'd. Yeah. What about you? How come you're here?" A pause as he takes a sip of his tea. "Or rather, what'd you tell Hangeng and Amber as your reason for coming here?"
"The truth." Nonchalant. Surprisingly easy.
"What, that you're mee--"
"That I'm meeting my first love."
Zhou Mi expels a breath.
"Wow. That's not sugar coating it at all. How'd Hangeng react?"
Heechul pauses in his mango pudding destruction thoughtfully. How had he reacted?
"I don't know, I wasn't looking."
Zhou Mi gives him a look over his glass.
"Well, now you'll never know."
The next few days are peacefully spent with Amber and Hangeng showing him around places he already know with anecdotes he doesn't know he can really appreciate.
"This is the hair salon my friend Sulli set up; she's Korean too and really cute, should I introduce you guys? You'll probably like her and you'll get along since she'd probably be able to take you in a fight."
"YAH! What did you say?"
Heechul glares, and Amber just laughs, patting him consolingly on the arm.
"Kidding. C'mon, let's see if she's in right now."
They duck into the store, Hangeng casting one long look at the miscellaneous shop across from the road. Heechul glances over, and he pauses for a moment as he tries to recall why it's so familiar.
When he does remember, he freezes, eyes slipping shut. It had been some dark night after Hangeng had come back from work, smelling like food, and the power had gone out. They had taken out the candles and lit them appropriately, the glow romantic and eerie at the same time before Heechul's stomach had growled and he complained of hunger.
"Okay, let's get out the gas stove."
The problem was that they had no gas, and had to lock pick their own front door since they couldn't seem to find their keys in the dark. This store had been the only one open and they had to pay the amused woman in meagre notes they couldn't read the value of.
"Take care, boys," she had said kindly, and the meal had tasted that much nicer.
Amber tugs at his sleeve.
"This is Choi Sulli, Sulli, this is Kim Heechul."
The girl is taller than he expected, maybe up to his eyes, and she has a sweet smile. Fair complexion and dressed nicely, Heechul shakes her hand and bows his head.
"Nice to meet you, Sulli-sshi."
"You too, Heechul-sshi."
Amber looks at them both critically, Hangeng loitering near the doorway, before tugging them apart and pushing Heechul out.
"See you later Sulli!" Her laughter follows them out.
"You better! You need a haircut badly!"
Amber laughs as she exits, linking arms with Heechul and tugging him along awkwardly.
"You guys would make a great couple, have great looking kids."
Heechul chokes on something like surprise. He and Hangeng share a look. They both know how he feels like children, thanks to that time when he had almost kicked one of Hangeng's younger cousins when she'd asked for some food.
"That's... nice," Heechul manages, and Hangeng coughs into his fist.
"Lunch?" he suggests brightly, and Heechul nods.
"Let's."
They're at some form of peace now, the children comment creating a bridge between them, at least for now.
"When you heading back? Tomorrow, right?" Amber asks, slurping up noodles. Heechul nods.
"In the morning, ten."
"Aww, not enough time to do anything fun. We'll drop you off, not like we have anything to do tomorrow morning anyway." Amber's hand finds Hangeng's thigh to squeeze. Heechul averts his eyes. Hangeng can't help the lump in his throat before he drinks some tea to push it down.
"We should leave around 7.30 then, to make sure you don't miss your flight," Hangeng says, and Heechul locks eyes with him. They both nod, and Amber looks at the both of them.
"Right, half past seven."
Amber taps her chopsticks against her lips thoughtfully, scrutinising them before she gives in the temptation of noodles.
The TV is the only sound in the apartment as Heechul bustles around, packing his luggage. His jeans go at the bottom next to his shoes, his t-shirts and jackets and hoodies next. Miscellaneous items are scattered on top like some sort of treasure hunt; souvenirs for people, a DVD for someone, a Chinese-Korean dictionary, a wristband and a belt.
"I'll get the rest tomorrow morning," he says as he emerges from his room, seeing Amber curled up against Hangeng, half asleep in the glow of the television. Hangeng puts a finger to his lips, turning down the volume of the TV, and Heechul takes a moment to focus on that mouth.
He shakes himself out of it. It's only 9.34.
"I'll just. I'm going to sleep now, so I'm awake enough tomorrow so I don't forget anything."
Hangeng nods, and waves.
"Goodnight," he mouths, and Amber twitches on his lap. Heechul looks at her, before nodding and turning away.
Amber drives them to the airport, humming along to some pop song. Hangeng makes a move to change the station, but she slaps his hand away.
"Driver gets first choice," she says, frowning. Heechul laughs from the backseat. She half turns, and Hangeng lunges for the wheel.
"Please keep your eyes on the road if you're going to be the driver."
Amber ignores him.
"So did you enjoy your trip, do what you wanted?" Amber looks in her rearview mirror, Heechul watching Shanghai scroll past him. "Meet your first love?"
Heechul jolts a bit, looking at her before he smiles slowly.
"Yeah, you could say I did."
"And how was it?"
Heechul puts his head to the side, fingers against his cheek. "He seemed good, happy. Happy as he is, so I think I'll leave it at that."
There's a silence for a few minutes as Hangeng stares at the car in front of them, and Heechul smiles to himself.
"Well," Amber finally says. "That's the important thing."
They drop him off at Terminal 1, the Korea Air banner behind him. Amber reaches forward to give him a quick hug and a pat on the back.
"Take care, and come visit again."
Heechul scoffs at her, though he's smiling. "You think I have time? You come back to Seoul sometime, everyone misses you, you know."
Amber grins at him, reaching up to mock punch him in the shoulder. He clutches at it, swearing.
"When'd you get so strong? You used to be a little weakling, brat."
"Thanks a lot. Yeah, I'll come sometime, don't you worry about that. You should let me stay in your house too, do me the same service."
Heechul snorts. "And let you mess it up? Please."
Amber rolls her eyes before pulls him in for another hug, a bit longer and more heartfelt.
"Take care."
"Idiot, you take care."
She hands him over to Hangeng, who looks at him unshakingly, strong.
"Heechul, take care. Don't hesitate to visit again."
Heechul's the polar opposite, watery around the edges and unsure.
"The same to you. Take care, all the best."
Their hug is brief, barely even a hug but more of an attempt at brief contact. Heechul aches for something more.
They stand their awkwardly for a few moments before Heechul supposes he should go, shifting his backpack higher.
"I'll see you later then."
The two of them nod as Heechul turns to walk on, and as he glances back, he sees they're watching him, hands held tight. They wave, and he can do nothing but wave back. Like a final farewell, though he knows it won't be. He hopes it won't be.
When Hangeng's toeing off his shoes at the entrance to their apartment, Amber rests her hand on his forearm.
"Heechul..." she begins slowly. "Did you know him before?"
Hangeng freezes. His past is something he's kept from her -- not intentionally or out of guilt. It just happened that way.
"Possibly... why do you ask?"
Amber gnaws at her lip before she sits on the couch, sprawling out. She buries her head into a pillow.
"It just seemed like you guys knew each other, even though you didn't really say anything. I'm not blind, you know." The last sentence is said without malice, just fact.
Hangeng lets out a breath as he sits on the other couch. Amber turns so she can see him through her fringe.
"Yeah, we knew each other a while back, maybe five years? We were pretty close."
Slowly, and carefully, Amber shapes the words. "Are you the one he's talking about?"
Hangeng goes stiff, his back curved towards her and hands together.
"You mean his first love?"
Amber makes a soft sound.
"Maybe, it's hard to say."
Amber turns completely, flipping her bangs out of the way, glaring.
"Don't lie; you suck shit at it. Tell me."
A breath, before something cracks. Tension or truth.
"Once." Hangeng starts and stops, before her frowns. But the words spill out of him anyway; truth. "Once, we were together. Ages ago, like five years ago, and he stayed in my apartment in Shanghai, here, for half a year. He signed a contract, because he had a visa for only that long. It's hard not to fall in love with him, you know. It's like resisting, I don't know, the impossible, like gravity or crying. He made it really hard not to like him at least. So. Then, it just sort of happened. Six months isn't long, but it felt like forever." He looks up to see Amber's face buried in a pillow. He panics for a brief moment, before she speaks.
"Did you love him?"
Hangeng opens his mouth, ready to automatically deny it, but he's never been that great with lying, and she can see right through him.
"Yeah, I did. Or at least, what I thought was love back then. It was a long time ago, and I was stupid, not really ready--"
"No, no I get it, don't excuse your actions or whatever. You were older back then than what I am now. It's okay, I get it. It's in the past anyway, right?"
She looks up at him, in her rumpled t-shirt, cargo pants and bare feet, slightly blackened because she never wears slippers around the house even when he complains. She looks at him, through experimentally dyed hair, no eyeliner or mascara in sight, lips slightly red and a few blemishes at her temple. She looks at him, with her honest eyes and he breaks.
"It's in the past. The present's now with you. I loved him, and maybe I still do, a bit, but I love you more."
He crawls over to her, knees on hard tiles as he turns her face up, brushing away her fringe and tracing her cheeks.
"I love you, you know."
She makes a soft noise in her throat before she closes her eyes.
"Yeah, I do too."
(oops, forgot to mention that this is based on Ariel Lin's Fireflies mv.)
-
"Hey, my friend from Korea's coming over. Hope you don't mind."
Amber's voice floats through the living room until it rests, unbidden, on Hangeng's chest as he lies in bed. He stifles a yawn before dragging himself up and landing on Amber on the couch.
"Yeah?" he whispers, sleeping into Amber's neck. She wriggles, trying to get into a position where she can kick him off.
"Yeah, just for a few days. Says he wants to meet someone. I offered him the spare bedroom if that's okay."
Hangeng's already dropping off into sleep again, so he just mutters a breathy, "yeah, s'cool," into Amber's neck and falls asleep.
"Just warning you that he might insult you when he doesn't really mean it," Amber says on the way to the airport, looking out the window. "He just has a way of doing that, kind of just lacking a brain-to-mouth filter, but that's cool! He doesn't mean it. Just get on his good side and it'll be alright. You're okay with this, right?"
Hangeng looks over, hands loose on the steering wheel, and the look Amber has on is so utterly hopeless and worried that he just laughs and ruffles her hair.
"Yeah I'm fine with it. Just as long as he doesn't set the kitchen on fire or throw my socks out or rip a hole in the sofa--"
"Never gonna let me live that down, are you?"
He flashes her a charming smile, and she scowls.
"Never."
Amber instructs him to stay in the car as she fetches her friend because he doesn't trust him, apparently, but what's there not to trust? He's almost hurt. He hears her loud voice as they near, and gets ready to smile, to leave a good first impression.
Like a tonne of bricks, the first look is one you just can never forget.
He's a bit different now, his hair looser over his shoulders, eyes softer and more yielding, but his body still tall and lean. He's dressed quieter, just in a plain, striped shirt and cardigan, loose jeans on, and Hangeng's mind can't help but remember when he used to don skinnies and feather boas for fun.
"This is Heechul!" Amber says, her arm locked with his. "And this is my boyfriend, Hangeng."
Heechul shuts his mouth, smiles and nods. "Hello Hangeng, it's nice to meet you."
Hangeng wants to close his eyes, savour the sound he hasn't heard in so many years, but he doesn't.
"It's nice to meet you too, Heechul."
"Here, lemme grab your suitcase and you can sit in the front, since you're our guest! We'll take you out for dinner since you haven't been here before, but don't worry, it'll be cool. Do you have plans? We can take you to all the attractions and sightseeing stuff tomorrow, if you want! When you flying out? Maybe we can plan before that and--"
"Amber," Hangeng says quietly as she jumps into the back, looking at Heechul, who refuses to look back.
"Yes?"
"Shut up."
Amber makes a loud show of shutting up, sighing and clicking her seat belt in as Hangeng pulls away from the curb.
"Heechul?" Hangeng asks in the same voice.
"Han... geng?" Heechul was always the actor, voice unsure as he makes his way around the name.
"Could you please put your seat belt on?"
There's a hint of a smirk, but Heechul obeys and Amber rolls her eyes.
"So, tell me about Korea, Heechul," Amber prompts, and he obeys, voice soft and most certainly uncertain in a way Hangeng hasn't heard in years.
Hangeng feels like he's drowning in a voice and a language he hasn't heard since before -- before he can remember. But he reminds himself that Amber is who he cares about now, the past gone by and irretrievable.
"It's good," Heechul sums out, and Hangeng looks at the windscreen to see the reflection of Heechul looking at him. He knows what he means.
We're good.
Amber makes up Heechul's bed before Hangeng interrupts and takes the bedsheets from her arms.
"What're you--"
Hangeng gives her the soft smile, the one she can't help but still blush a bit over.
"Go entertain our guest; he's your friend. We'll go out for dinner in a bit."
Amber gives him a quick peck on the cheek before darting out, shouting a greeting. Their low voices fill the apartment slowly, talking about people Hangeng's never heard of nor will ever meet, and of a foreign place he has no desire to visit.
When he's done, he lies on top of the bed, staring at the ceiling and the small light. It's so utterly blank and flawless that he longs to just reach up, drag dulled nails through the paint to scratch it and let Heechul know what he thinks. What he wants Heechul to know.
Instead, he gets off the bed, smoothes it out once more, and walks to the living room, pausing at the doorway.
"Do you remember Krystal, and her sister, Jessica? Man, they've gone to places now -- went back to the US for a while but came back to Korea again, and you wouldn't believe it! Jessica went blond, completely blond, and it looks fantastic on her, I kind of want to do it too, but I don't think it'd suit me, do you think it would? Oh, and you remember Baengshin? And Sungmin? Sungmin got another cat named Sen, and Sen and Baengshin fight all the fucking time, you wouldn't believe how loud they get, and how many scratches Sungmin and I have got from those stupid cats, but I guess it's worth it--"
Amber's laughing, doubled over on her couch even as she tries to put up a hand to get Heechul to stop talking. Hangeng can see them clearly from the doorway, even as Heechul splutters, indignant, and Amber can barely open her eyes.
"Yah! Don't you believe me? Here." He hastens to roll up his sleeve. "LOOK! Vicious, bratty cats, look! Here, and here, and here. I was bleeding all over the place, ruined one of my nicest shirts, and Sungmin just laughed at me, even though Sen was scratching him too. He got one on his cheek, but he just put a bandaid on it and says he got into some gangster fight, the liar--"
"Stop," Amber gasps, trying to swallow her laughter. "Stop, just stop."
Heechul closes his mouth, amused.
Amber breathes, trying to regain her composure as she fans her reddened face. Hangeng takes this moment to walk in, clearing his throat, and Heechul's eyes glance up to him before sliding away.
"Should we go for dinner now?"
Heechul immediately quietens, becoming almost soft and plaint, and Hangeng's reminded of a ragdoll, so obedient.
"Sure, where do you want to go?" Amber draws her legs closer to her, sitting on the couch, and Heechul and Hangeng's eyes meet over the top of her head.
"Anywhere," Hangeng says, at the same time that Heechul does. Amber looks at them both before getting to her feet and hauling Heechul up.
"Okay, let's just get out and walk."
Hangeng is more aware of everything with Heechul there, things he wasn't aware of even when he walked with Amber down the same street the first time. Things like how bright and obnoxious the Chinese characters are, or the underlying stentch of the city underneath all the enticing smells of food. Like how Heechul's hair seems brighter than it ever had before despite the dull brown it's dyed, or the way the stars seem to have disappeared.
"You should try this," Amber says, amused as she points to rows of roasted scorpions. Even Hangeng wrinkles his nose and Heechul reels back and points to some rice and pork.
"That looks good."
They end up in a loud, boisterous restaurant, one of Amber's favourite hangouts where the auntie knows her by name and pinches her cheek.
"What would you like today, hon? Pork's good today even if I know you like the chicken, but I can't guarantee that Chef will cook it as you like it because you know how he is, MEN, ALWAYS SO FICKLE AND STUPID! You should never marry, hear that boys? Little Yi Yun is too precious for either of you! If she has half a brain, she won't marry either of you and she'll remain single and rich! So smart and such a good little girl, remember all your parents have done for you and take care of them when you're older, you hear? Insolent, greatfulness brats, you'd think--"
"Hello auntie," Amber eventually says, trying not to laugh. She points to about five different things on the menu. "Just these!"
"You're a good girl," the lady says, ruffling Amber's hair. "Take care, you hear? I'll have your dishes out in a sec."
"Thank you auntie!" She elbows both boys on either side of her, and they automatically bow.
"Thank you auntie."
Dinner is quiet, filled with the chatter of Mandarin around them and the slurping of food. Heechul remains silent, and Hangeng can't bring himself to shatter the silence that used to be so rare. He can't remember the last time he saw the other man completely at ease without words.
Amber, on the other hand, simply eats, delighted with food.
"Good?" she asks Heechul when they're done.
"Very."
The only sound on the way home is Amber's voice, delightedly pointing out attractions or fascination, filing in what would've been an awkward silence.
"So why you here again, Heechul?" Amber asks, walking a bit in front of them both.
She turns when she asks it, quick enough to see Hangeng shield away and turn his head.
"I need to meet someone," Heechul offers.
"Who?"
"You could call him my first love."
"Oh? Well, let us know if you need help." Amber shoots him a quick grin and Hangeng finds the air to breathe.
"I'll be fine," Heechul says, and they leave it at that.
It's a sleepless night for Hangeng, knowing that Heechul is only a wall away. When he closes his eyes, he remembers another moment in perhaps another life, where the autumn had been colder than the current spring.
He remembers the sharp edge of a plane ticket, betrayal and abandonment rolled into one. The state of disarray the room had been in, and how cold it had been.
"Where you going."
Even the most innocent, simplistic questions had the power to sound like accusations. But maybe he meant it that way.
"Home."
Heechul's voice was matter-of-fact, the word home slapping Hangeng in the face with a curl of the tongue.
To Heechul, home meant words spoken a bit softer but sharper, stars in the sky and a cellphone that worked.
To Hangeng, home was the place Heechul was leaving.
The agreement had been a shared apartment and a warm bed. It had said nothing of breaking hearts or keeping promises of forever. It had only ever mentioned a time period of six months, marked carefully on a calendar.
Six months wasn't long, but it wasn't short either. They made the best of it, perhaps falling in love along the way. But Heechul remembered that sheet of paper, even as Hangeng forgot.
"Bye Hangeng."
"Bye."
But the present is here, now, with Amber breathing softly beside him and holding his heart so easily.
"You know I love you, right?" he whispers to her, and she smiles in her sleep.
"Love you too."
Early next morning, Heechul disappears before either of them rouse.
"Where do you think he went?" Amber asks, flicking through TV channels, Hangeng in the kitchen. He peels another potato and drops it into the sink.
"I'm sure he can take care of himself."
Amber stops on the news channel, a headline about an earthquake flashing on the screen.
"Well, yeah, I'm not saying he can't, but where would he go? It's not like he's been here before, or would even know the city."
"Better not underestimate people." He learnt it the hard way.
Amber hums in agreement.
"Well I hope he comes home for dinner."
The feeling of being free in a city, no strings tying him down, is foreign to Heechul.
The language is harsh, syllables slurred and rushed around him; the sun bright and glorious in some ways but intimidating otherwise. The very air burns.
He has missed this.
Once upon a time, on a six month trip to Shanghai, Heechul had known the city like the back of his hand. he had known the name of the lady who sold his favourite dumplings, the colour of the ripiest, tastiest plums in summer and the smell of the city. He had known the shortcut to the neartest train station -- past abandoned slums and through the smallest alleyways -- and the birds that alighted on their balcony every morning.
He had called Shanghai home, but now, he isn't sure he knows what home means anymore.
"Hyung," Zhou Mi greets him happily, standing and invading Personal Space. He was always an exception anyway.
"Zhou Mi."
The small dessert place hasn't changed much in four years, and neither has the man in front of him; still ten metres tall with a smile miles wide.
"How was your trip?" Zhou Mi smiles as he says it, poking ice cubs. Heechul puts a hand up to order, but Zhou Mi lowers it. "Ordered. Still the same, right?"
Here's a bit of home. Heechul lets out a breath, restraining a smile. He can't deny he's surprised Zhou Mi still rememebrs.
"Yeah. The trip was okay, couldn't really sleep. Amber picked me up at the airport."
Zhou Mi brights at the name. "She did? That was nice of her, I didn't think she had the time or the car--"
Heechul times it carefully.
"Hangeng was with her."
"Oh."
Awkward silence ensues, broken only by the arrival of some mango pudding.
"You didn't tell me, since you must've known."
Must've. Zhou Mi gnaws at his lip, fringe and glasses covering his eyes.
"I thought she wouldn't have, or he wouldn't have gone. Or that, I don't know, maybe it would've been alright or--"
"She doesn't know."
Zhou Mi's head shoots up and his glasses goes askew.
"Know? Know what? That you guys dated? That you used to live with him?"
"No." Heechul tries to keep his gaze steady, meet Zhou Mi's head on because, fuck, what is he, weak?
"She doesn't know I know him."
The expression Zhou Mi has on is frowny and confused, lips downturned and uncharacteristic.
"Wait, how does that work? So you're just crashing at their house, pretending not to know him? How do you even begin to pretend about that kind of thing."
Heechul shrugs.
"It's not like it's hard." Not like it's easy, either. "It's only for a week."
"A week is a long time," Zhou Mi says, and it's true.
There's quiet, before Heechul sighs and pushes his fringe back.
"So how've you been, what've you been up to?"
Zhou Mi laughs, breathless with no real feeling in it.
"Good, I've been good. I'm, ah, planning on proposing to Ah Qian soon."
Heechul nods, before he pauses. "Ah Qian? Song Qian? You guys had only just met five years ago."
"Yeah. It was love at first sight." Zhou Mi flutters his lashes and puts his hands on his chest. Heechul snorts and slaps at him before Zhou Mi laughs and then smiles into his glass, bashful. "But I really love her, so I think it's the right thing to do. I don't know, do you think she'll say yes?"
As a hyung, Heechul is obliged to agree, to put Zhou Mi's mind at ease even if he doesn't think so. But he does -- he's met Song Qian and they're perfect for each other. He's not lying when he says, "Yeah, she'll say yes."
Zhou Mi smiles gratefully, but shakes his head.
"Enough about me; we haven't met up in so long that that'd. Yeah. What about you? How come you're here?" A pause as he takes a sip of his tea. "Or rather, what'd you tell Hangeng and Amber as your reason for coming here?"
"The truth." Nonchalant. Surprisingly easy.
"What, that you're mee--"
"That I'm meeting my first love."
Zhou Mi expels a breath.
"Wow. That's not sugar coating it at all. How'd Hangeng react?"
Heechul pauses in his mango pudding destruction thoughtfully. How had he reacted?
"I don't know, I wasn't looking."
Zhou Mi gives him a look over his glass.
"Well, now you'll never know."
The next few days are peacefully spent with Amber and Hangeng showing him around places he already know with anecdotes he doesn't know he can really appreciate.
"This is the hair salon my friend Sulli set up; she's Korean too and really cute, should I introduce you guys? You'll probably like her and you'll get along since she'd probably be able to take you in a fight."
"YAH! What did you say?"
Heechul glares, and Amber just laughs, patting him consolingly on the arm.
"Kidding. C'mon, let's see if she's in right now."
They duck into the store, Hangeng casting one long look at the miscellaneous shop across from the road. Heechul glances over, and he pauses for a moment as he tries to recall why it's so familiar.
When he does remember, he freezes, eyes slipping shut. It had been some dark night after Hangeng had come back from work, smelling like food, and the power had gone out. They had taken out the candles and lit them appropriately, the glow romantic and eerie at the same time before Heechul's stomach had growled and he complained of hunger.
"Okay, let's get out the gas stove."
The problem was that they had no gas, and had to lock pick their own front door since they couldn't seem to find their keys in the dark. This store had been the only one open and they had to pay the amused woman in meagre notes they couldn't read the value of.
"Take care, boys," she had said kindly, and the meal had tasted that much nicer.
Amber tugs at his sleeve.
"This is Choi Sulli, Sulli, this is Kim Heechul."
The girl is taller than he expected, maybe up to his eyes, and she has a sweet smile. Fair complexion and dressed nicely, Heechul shakes her hand and bows his head.
"Nice to meet you, Sulli-sshi."
"You too, Heechul-sshi."
Amber looks at them both critically, Hangeng loitering near the doorway, before tugging them apart and pushing Heechul out.
"See you later Sulli!" Her laughter follows them out.
"You better! You need a haircut badly!"
Amber laughs as she exits, linking arms with Heechul and tugging him along awkwardly.
"You guys would make a great couple, have great looking kids."
Heechul chokes on something like surprise. He and Hangeng share a look. They both know how he feels like children, thanks to that time when he had almost kicked one of Hangeng's younger cousins when she'd asked for some food.
"That's... nice," Heechul manages, and Hangeng coughs into his fist.
"Lunch?" he suggests brightly, and Heechul nods.
"Let's."
They're at some form of peace now, the children comment creating a bridge between them, at least for now.
"When you heading back? Tomorrow, right?" Amber asks, slurping up noodles. Heechul nods.
"In the morning, ten."
"Aww, not enough time to do anything fun. We'll drop you off, not like we have anything to do tomorrow morning anyway." Amber's hand finds Hangeng's thigh to squeeze. Heechul averts his eyes. Hangeng can't help the lump in his throat before he drinks some tea to push it down.
"We should leave around 7.30 then, to make sure you don't miss your flight," Hangeng says, and Heechul locks eyes with him. They both nod, and Amber looks at the both of them.
"Right, half past seven."
Amber taps her chopsticks against her lips thoughtfully, scrutinising them before she gives in the temptation of noodles.
The TV is the only sound in the apartment as Heechul bustles around, packing his luggage. His jeans go at the bottom next to his shoes, his t-shirts and jackets and hoodies next. Miscellaneous items are scattered on top like some sort of treasure hunt; souvenirs for people, a DVD for someone, a Chinese-Korean dictionary, a wristband and a belt.
"I'll get the rest tomorrow morning," he says as he emerges from his room, seeing Amber curled up against Hangeng, half asleep in the glow of the television. Hangeng puts a finger to his lips, turning down the volume of the TV, and Heechul takes a moment to focus on that mouth.
He shakes himself out of it. It's only 9.34.
"I'll just. I'm going to sleep now, so I'm awake enough tomorrow so I don't forget anything."
Hangeng nods, and waves.
"Goodnight," he mouths, and Amber twitches on his lap. Heechul looks at her, before nodding and turning away.
Amber drives them to the airport, humming along to some pop song. Hangeng makes a move to change the station, but she slaps his hand away.
"Driver gets first choice," she says, frowning. Heechul laughs from the backseat. She half turns, and Hangeng lunges for the wheel.
"Please keep your eyes on the road if you're going to be the driver."
Amber ignores him.
"So did you enjoy your trip, do what you wanted?" Amber looks in her rearview mirror, Heechul watching Shanghai scroll past him. "Meet your first love?"
Heechul jolts a bit, looking at her before he smiles slowly.
"Yeah, you could say I did."
"And how was it?"
Heechul puts his head to the side, fingers against his cheek. "He seemed good, happy. Happy as he is, so I think I'll leave it at that."
There's a silence for a few minutes as Hangeng stares at the car in front of them, and Heechul smiles to himself.
"Well," Amber finally says. "That's the important thing."
They drop him off at Terminal 1, the Korea Air banner behind him. Amber reaches forward to give him a quick hug and a pat on the back.
"Take care, and come visit again."
Heechul scoffs at her, though he's smiling. "You think I have time? You come back to Seoul sometime, everyone misses you, you know."
Amber grins at him, reaching up to mock punch him in the shoulder. He clutches at it, swearing.
"When'd you get so strong? You used to be a little weakling, brat."
"Thanks a lot. Yeah, I'll come sometime, don't you worry about that. You should let me stay in your house too, do me the same service."
Heechul snorts. "And let you mess it up? Please."
Amber rolls her eyes before pulls him in for another hug, a bit longer and more heartfelt.
"Take care."
"Idiot, you take care."
She hands him over to Hangeng, who looks at him unshakingly, strong.
"Heechul, take care. Don't hesitate to visit again."
Heechul's the polar opposite, watery around the edges and unsure.
"The same to you. Take care, all the best."
Their hug is brief, barely even a hug but more of an attempt at brief contact. Heechul aches for something more.
They stand their awkwardly for a few moments before Heechul supposes he should go, shifting his backpack higher.
"I'll see you later then."
The two of them nod as Heechul turns to walk on, and as he glances back, he sees they're watching him, hands held tight. They wave, and he can do nothing but wave back. Like a final farewell, though he knows it won't be. He hopes it won't be.
When Hangeng's toeing off his shoes at the entrance to their apartment, Amber rests her hand on his forearm.
"Heechul..." she begins slowly. "Did you know him before?"
Hangeng freezes. His past is something he's kept from her -- not intentionally or out of guilt. It just happened that way.
"Possibly... why do you ask?"
Amber gnaws at her lip before she sits on the couch, sprawling out. She buries her head into a pillow.
"It just seemed like you guys knew each other, even though you didn't really say anything. I'm not blind, you know." The last sentence is said without malice, just fact.
Hangeng lets out a breath as he sits on the other couch. Amber turns so she can see him through her fringe.
"Yeah, we knew each other a while back, maybe five years? We were pretty close."
Slowly, and carefully, Amber shapes the words. "Are you the one he's talking about?"
Hangeng goes stiff, his back curved towards her and hands together.
"You mean his first love?"
Amber makes a soft sound.
"Maybe, it's hard to say."
Amber turns completely, flipping her bangs out of the way, glaring.
"Don't lie; you suck shit at it. Tell me."
A breath, before something cracks. Tension or truth.
"Once." Hangeng starts and stops, before her frowns. But the words spill out of him anyway; truth. "Once, we were together. Ages ago, like five years ago, and he stayed in my apartment in Shanghai, here, for half a year. He signed a contract, because he had a visa for only that long. It's hard not to fall in love with him, you know. It's like resisting, I don't know, the impossible, like gravity or crying. He made it really hard not to like him at least. So. Then, it just sort of happened. Six months isn't long, but it felt like forever." He looks up to see Amber's face buried in a pillow. He panics for a brief moment, before she speaks.
"Did you love him?"
Hangeng opens his mouth, ready to automatically deny it, but he's never been that great with lying, and she can see right through him.
"Yeah, I did. Or at least, what I thought was love back then. It was a long time ago, and I was stupid, not really ready--"
"No, no I get it, don't excuse your actions or whatever. You were older back then than what I am now. It's okay, I get it. It's in the past anyway, right?"
She looks up at him, in her rumpled t-shirt, cargo pants and bare feet, slightly blackened because she never wears slippers around the house even when he complains. She looks at him, through experimentally dyed hair, no eyeliner or mascara in sight, lips slightly red and a few blemishes at her temple. She looks at him, with her honest eyes and he breaks.
"It's in the past. The present's now with you. I loved him, and maybe I still do, a bit, but I love you more."
He crawls over to her, knees on hard tiles as he turns her face up, brushing away her fringe and tracing her cheeks.
"I love you, you know."
She makes a soft noise in her throat before she closes her eyes.
"Yeah, I do too."