(no subject)
I don't know who reads this anymore. It isn't like I post anything worth reading anyway.
I'm not really dealing with David's departure from my life well. The day he left I felt like someone was ripping my insides out. Then for 3 days I just felt numb. Then yesterday, it all came to me. I was sitting alone in my apartment and it all came flooding into me. I let myself feel the pain of loving someone who doesn't love me, who left me in Greensboro, who seems sad but mostly unaffected by this change which has shaken my foundation.
Part of me really doesn't want to go to NY for his birthday. It is going to be last Tuesday all over again when I have to leave. Except this time, I won't have the excuse "well I'll see him again in two weeks, its not that bad". I don't know when I'll see David again once I come home. It is extremely possibly that I won't see him again. I see Mark once a year if I'm lucky, and its for very short periods of time. And 9 times out of 10 when I try and see other people while I'm visiting Mark, schedules don't work and I don't see them.
But I'm going. As much as it will hurt, I want that time with him. The pathetic part of me hopes he'll realize just how much he needs me in his life. He'll realize that what we have isn't worth throwing away simply because his ex is a bitch. I didn't ask him to stay in NC. I wouldn't ask him to move here. But it is insane to uproot myself and move to NY. Especially when I'm in so much debt and I'd be working a bullshit retail job (I could pretty easily from the sounds of it transfer to a Forever 21). The only way it would be possible is if my Grandparents gave me my 10k for graduating college (which I didn't do). And I probably won't get that. It is insane to move to New York when he doesn't even love me. I wouldn't be moving for him, but he'd be a big influence on the decision. I've wanted out of North Carolina for a long time. Sometimes bullshit bad reasons are the catalyst we need. He isn't bullshit nor is he a bad decision. But he doesn't love me.
I'm not really dealing with David's departure from my life well. The day he left I felt like someone was ripping my insides out. Then for 3 days I just felt numb. Then yesterday, it all came to me. I was sitting alone in my apartment and it all came flooding into me. I let myself feel the pain of loving someone who doesn't love me, who left me in Greensboro, who seems sad but mostly unaffected by this change which has shaken my foundation.
Part of me really doesn't want to go to NY for his birthday. It is going to be last Tuesday all over again when I have to leave. Except this time, I won't have the excuse "well I'll see him again in two weeks, its not that bad". I don't know when I'll see David again once I come home. It is extremely possibly that I won't see him again. I see Mark once a year if I'm lucky, and its for very short periods of time. And 9 times out of 10 when I try and see other people while I'm visiting Mark, schedules don't work and I don't see them.
But I'm going. As much as it will hurt, I want that time with him. The pathetic part of me hopes he'll realize just how much he needs me in his life. He'll realize that what we have isn't worth throwing away simply because his ex is a bitch. I didn't ask him to stay in NC. I wouldn't ask him to move here. But it is insane to uproot myself and move to NY. Especially when I'm in so much debt and I'd be working a bullshit retail job (I could pretty easily from the sounds of it transfer to a Forever 21). The only way it would be possible is if my Grandparents gave me my 10k for graduating college (which I didn't do). And I probably won't get that. It is insane to move to New York when he doesn't even love me. I wouldn't be moving for him, but he'd be a big influence on the decision. I've wanted out of North Carolina for a long time. Sometimes bullshit bad reasons are the catalyst we need. He isn't bullshit nor is he a bad decision. But he doesn't love me.