what to do
i'm still really good at making things worse than they should be. i cant believe how far this has gone... and i feel like such a hypocrite. not only a hypocrite, but a damn horrible person!! i mean, if the roles were reversed..... i would hate myself for being that person. i do hate myself for being that person. but then why cant i stop? why can't i just leave it alone? why cant i leave him alone? and then i have all these questions... like, is there something really there? on his part? on my part? or is it because we're both frustrated and need an escape? i dont want to be someone's escape. and i dont want to use someone as an escape. the last thing i want to do is lead him on... only to realize even more how much i dont want anything serious. especially if he makes a decision like the one he could make. oh god. i feel so guilty. and then at the same time... i just don't care....