I Thought I Was Okay (until I started writing this entry)
I talk a lot about hating people who think they know me, or people that have predisposed judgments of me without knowing anything about me. I preach until I'm blue in the face about how it's not too hard to have some common sense, to do right by the people who care for you & to weed out those who hurt you. People come to me advice, all the time, and I give it like it's my fucking job because somewhere in my own delusional head I feel like I know what I'm doing. I feel like I make it through every day with some semblance of comfort in the fact that I get it. I've got everything figured out. I'm all together.
The truth is that I don't get it. I don't have anything figured out. I'm not together. Not at all.
I don't know how to write about what's been going on in my life lately. When I was younger, I used to be able to write out everything. It always came out so poetic and so emotional, and I don't know how to get that back. I don't know if I lost it because I grew up, or because I finally came face to face with the pain I was experiencing as a reality of my life. Back then, I had a way of really disassociating myself. Once you have to face it, own it, and accept it as yours, that's when you start to hold things in and sharing it becomes too personal, too hard.
I miss the times when I could pretend I was living someone else's life.
I made a huge mistake, a reckless decision based on feelings that I do believe are justified, but not to the point where they excuse my behavior. I've gone so long without this sort of chaos in my life, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a part of me is loving it in a screwed up sort of way. There's this aching part of me that I feel sometimes in the pit of my stomach that misses being careless and stupid. The tiny part of me that was manipulative, and entirely too smart for my own good. I always know exactly how to get what I want, one way or another. The part of me that is so determined and stubborn makes this like a challenge for me at times. It's not an ego talking, not in the slightest. I'm just incredibly self-aware. This is a fault of mine, and I know that, but it's so hard to move away from that when you struggle to feel any remorse for your actions, even knowing that they were wrong.
Does that make me a bad person?
I've been contemplating that a lot, lately. What makes someone a bad person? I guess I normally classify that as someone who doesn't put in any effort into their lives, someone who doesn't take any responsibility for their actions. Someone who doesn't care. I have always been overly responsible, I never shun away my ownership in any given situation good or bad. But if you do something that's wrong, and you know it's wrong, and you just can't manage to make yourself sorry for doing it-- is that bad? I'm still trying to figure it out.
If you were the person I was hurting, you'd probably answer differently than you might answer normally. I take that sort of thing into consideration, too. It's all about who you ask.
I feel so sad because of the people I know I've let down. People who have no clue about what I've done, people who will go on never knowing. I've still let them down, and that's the worst part to me. Even if they were to forgive me, the disappointment is overwhelming to me. I've been considered a disappointment my entire life and it's taken Hell to break that stereotype, and here I am. Maybe I never cared as much as I thought I did. Or maybe I just had a weak moment, maybe something had to give. The only problem with that is that if the opportunity presented itself again, I know I'd do it again. In a heartbeat.
This will undoubtedly mark a turning point in my life. Things won't be the same, probably ever. As a writer, you're always told about a pivotal piece in your writing, a "Point Of No Return Complication" is what they call it. If there were a story of my life, this would be one of those complications. The kind where you know in the back of your mind that everything has changed. I can't write this one off. I can't bullshit my way out of this one.
This is just me getting shit off my chest. I'm not in any sort of trouble, I haven't done anything illegal or harmful to anyone. I made a bad decision which I know will come back to get me emotionally, but I'm not going to jail or anything. Manipulating people and going against every good moral I've taught myself is easy, yet I'm too chicken shit to ever do anything illegal.
Go figure.
The truth is that I don't get it. I don't have anything figured out. I'm not together. Not at all.
I don't know how to write about what's been going on in my life lately. When I was younger, I used to be able to write out everything. It always came out so poetic and so emotional, and I don't know how to get that back. I don't know if I lost it because I grew up, or because I finally came face to face with the pain I was experiencing as a reality of my life. Back then, I had a way of really disassociating myself. Once you have to face it, own it, and accept it as yours, that's when you start to hold things in and sharing it becomes too personal, too hard.
I miss the times when I could pretend I was living someone else's life.
I made a huge mistake, a reckless decision based on feelings that I do believe are justified, but not to the point where they excuse my behavior. I've gone so long without this sort of chaos in my life, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a part of me is loving it in a screwed up sort of way. There's this aching part of me that I feel sometimes in the pit of my stomach that misses being careless and stupid. The tiny part of me that was manipulative, and entirely too smart for my own good. I always know exactly how to get what I want, one way or another. The part of me that is so determined and stubborn makes this like a challenge for me at times. It's not an ego talking, not in the slightest. I'm just incredibly self-aware. This is a fault of mine, and I know that, but it's so hard to move away from that when you struggle to feel any remorse for your actions, even knowing that they were wrong.
Does that make me a bad person?
I've been contemplating that a lot, lately. What makes someone a bad person? I guess I normally classify that as someone who doesn't put in any effort into their lives, someone who doesn't take any responsibility for their actions. Someone who doesn't care. I have always been overly responsible, I never shun away my ownership in any given situation good or bad. But if you do something that's wrong, and you know it's wrong, and you just can't manage to make yourself sorry for doing it-- is that bad? I'm still trying to figure it out.
If you were the person I was hurting, you'd probably answer differently than you might answer normally. I take that sort of thing into consideration, too. It's all about who you ask.
I feel so sad because of the people I know I've let down. People who have no clue about what I've done, people who will go on never knowing. I've still let them down, and that's the worst part to me. Even if they were to forgive me, the disappointment is overwhelming to me. I've been considered a disappointment my entire life and it's taken Hell to break that stereotype, and here I am. Maybe I never cared as much as I thought I did. Or maybe I just had a weak moment, maybe something had to give. The only problem with that is that if the opportunity presented itself again, I know I'd do it again. In a heartbeat.
This will undoubtedly mark a turning point in my life. Things won't be the same, probably ever. As a writer, you're always told about a pivotal piece in your writing, a "Point Of No Return Complication" is what they call it. If there were a story of my life, this would be one of those complications. The kind where you know in the back of your mind that everything has changed. I can't write this one off. I can't bullshit my way out of this one.
This is just me getting shit off my chest. I'm not in any sort of trouble, I haven't done anything illegal or harmful to anyone. I made a bad decision which I know will come back to get me emotionally, but I'm not going to jail or anything. Manipulating people and going against every good moral I've taught myself is easy, yet I'm too chicken shit to ever do anything illegal.
Go figure.