When Will This Day Be Over?
Seriously, this week has just gone from bad to worse to worst. I've been reading a lot of my friends entries and it seems to kind of be going around. I really think by throwing a Holiday like Valentines Day into the mix you're just jinxing you're entire week.
First, I got into a big fight with my mom (no surprise... we actually went a record-breaking month or so without fighting) mostly because of how stressed I am about everything, namely her and Bryan and how I feel like I get treated by them. In totally different ways, they both manage to just completely ignore me and my feelings and my needs. Bryan, well, he does it best, and he's SO IGNORANT about it. Bryan is completely a "victim" all the time. There's always a reason, an excuse, another person to blame, he just can't own up to his responsibilities. He always will put me second to anyone or anything. He doesn't know how to say no to anyone but me. He thinks I will stick around forever, no matter what, and that's why he throws me aside like a wet rag.
With my mom, it's totally different. My mom is the type of person who invites misery and hard times just so she can remind everyone how strong she is. And don't get me wrong, MY MOM IS TOUGH. She's been through a LOT in her life, from everyone around her including me. But it's put her into this mindset that the only way to be strong is to be miserable all the time. It makes me SO MAD, I can't even tell you.
She's also into this new little rut where she just is indifferent towards EVERYTHING. Even me, my brother, her husband, everything. It's always, "I don't care" or "If you want" about every single thing we ask her. It just makes me so mad. I would rather my mom HATE MY GUTS then just not care at all. And trust me, I've known my mother when she hates my guts, and it's not a pleasant feeling (as you could imagine). However, being just not cared about is worse. It hurts so bad. It's like, "WHAT do I have to do in order for you to care about me?"
I know a lot of it is me. I have a lot of insecurities about not being wanted or loved, for a lot of different reasons and experiences that I've had. I'm a needy person, I'll admit it. I know I am. But the thing is, I ALWAYS give it my all. With any person, no matter if they're my mother or my next door neighbor or someone I've never met before. If I interact with them, I put everything I have at that moment into it. I am an extremely passionate, sensitive person. And Bryan knew that when he got involved with me. I don't expect everyone to just turn on a dime when I feel insecure, and I DONT ASK FOR MUCH, I swear. I don't ask for anyone to do anything special for me.
I just want to be thought of. I just want my feelings to matter to someone when they make a decision. And I know that doesn't always mean getting what Sarah wants. There's a difference between doing something you NEED to do and doing something that you choose to do because you can't think of a reason NOT to. Does that make any sense? I know I talk a lot and I do that because I'm so anxious. The only thing I'm asking for is a little thought.
SOMEBODY PLEASE CARE ABOUT ME!!!
First, I got into a big fight with my mom (no surprise... we actually went a record-breaking month or so without fighting) mostly because of how stressed I am about everything, namely her and Bryan and how I feel like I get treated by them. In totally different ways, they both manage to just completely ignore me and my feelings and my needs. Bryan, well, he does it best, and he's SO IGNORANT about it. Bryan is completely a "victim" all the time. There's always a reason, an excuse, another person to blame, he just can't own up to his responsibilities. He always will put me second to anyone or anything. He doesn't know how to say no to anyone but me. He thinks I will stick around forever, no matter what, and that's why he throws me aside like a wet rag.
With my mom, it's totally different. My mom is the type of person who invites misery and hard times just so she can remind everyone how strong she is. And don't get me wrong, MY MOM IS TOUGH. She's been through a LOT in her life, from everyone around her including me. But it's put her into this mindset that the only way to be strong is to be miserable all the time. It makes me SO MAD, I can't even tell you.
She's also into this new little rut where she just is indifferent towards EVERYTHING. Even me, my brother, her husband, everything. It's always, "I don't care" or "If you want" about every single thing we ask her. It just makes me so mad. I would rather my mom HATE MY GUTS then just not care at all. And trust me, I've known my mother when she hates my guts, and it's not a pleasant feeling (as you could imagine). However, being just not cared about is worse. It hurts so bad. It's like, "WHAT do I have to do in order for you to care about me?"
I know a lot of it is me. I have a lot of insecurities about not being wanted or loved, for a lot of different reasons and experiences that I've had. I'm a needy person, I'll admit it. I know I am. But the thing is, I ALWAYS give it my all. With any person, no matter if they're my mother or my next door neighbor or someone I've never met before. If I interact with them, I put everything I have at that moment into it. I am an extremely passionate, sensitive person. And Bryan knew that when he got involved with me. I don't expect everyone to just turn on a dime when I feel insecure, and I DONT ASK FOR MUCH, I swear. I don't ask for anyone to do anything special for me.
I just want to be thought of. I just want my feelings to matter to someone when they make a decision. And I know that doesn't always mean getting what Sarah wants. There's a difference between doing something you NEED to do and doing something that you choose to do because you can't think of a reason NOT to. Does that make any sense? I know I talk a lot and I do that because I'm so anxious. The only thing I'm asking for is a little thought.
SOMEBODY PLEASE CARE ABOUT ME!!!