(no subject)
sometimes i sit and i just think about right now. what is happening right this very instant. it is usually better when i am outside, because then i can think about trees and leaves and molecules and sky and earth and planet, as opposed to the greed and micro technology and cheesburgers i associate with insideness. i had a talk with my dad yesterday while he was too drunk to walk a straight line. i told him i didn't think he respected what i was doing because of the way he talks about it. he teases me about my art. so do lots of people. its not a big deal, acting is a funny thing, it's hard to be "successful" and so it is hard for some people to take seriously. it involves constantly checking in with your emotions and having complete trust in strangers so you can explore them. it is a trying thing, like every other art and every other thing that someone is truly passionate about. but like any other carreer, goal, hobby, it is not understood by everyone. i just want him to be proud of me, to respect what i do as not something that i do just for myself. he told me last night about when he was a dancer. yes a dancer, my 6'2" white bearded, 200 lb father was a ballet dancer at cal poly. he told me about a trip he took to LA with his company. and the dance they did that night, they hit every cue. they hit every cue and they hit it strong, and to watch him tell that story made me KNOW that he understood. he knows. i feel really bad for my dad because he has worked so hard for so long in a job he hates so i can go off and do what i want. and maybe what i feel most guilty about is i don't know what i want. from third grade on i KNEW i was going to a four year college after high school. i didn't know what i would do, but that is also the year i began acting. i knew i would go to a four year college after high school. well here i am folks and now people are asking me what i want to do next. i have no fucking idea. i know nothing about the industry. i have never been to chigaco or new york or spent any significant amount of time in LA. this is not giving up. this is not changing my mind and this is not failing. this is recognizing a fear. a fear of the unknown, of the inevitable, of the future, of lack of control. another thing my dad told me last night, "sara, i just wish you wouldn't worry so much about having it all under control right now." i never told him these fears he just saw them. there is so much i want, and i want it all so bad, but i don't know where to begin, or how. or maybe i know but i am so afraid of failing that i never even start. i think this year i may make a new years resolution.