(no subject)
sometimes i feel so disposable.
i started hurting alot tonight. last night was alot of fun, went to a friends house and basically got drunk and danced alot. confessed some lingering feelings to a friend and surprisingly felt no akwardness. i think because i don't fear judgement from him anymore, i only long for respect.
i realized that two of the most important young men in my recent life have both completely cut me off. hence the disposable feeling. i have so much emotion invested in both of them, and i love them both dearly. I, with all my being, don't want to let them go. but i find that what i want doesn't matter. they have made their decisions. I am trying to handle this realization. i am trying to figure what else i can do, but sit here and be subject to abandonment. all my love, everything i want to give them makes no difference, because not only do they not want it. they won't take it. perhaps i asked too much of them, though i doubt it.
i poorly excersize restraint to spare my roomate. there is a good reason for me to cry, and yet i hold back. what can i do here? what can i do but type a little story, hope it feels better, and accept that they are gone. two of the most incredible people i have experienced, want nothing to do with me.
it is hard to not place blame upon myself. it seems sensible for some reason. i know the explanation runs much deeper than that, but why is there nothing i can do. what can i do. there is no one for me to tell this all to, so i send it out into the internet, where people are aloowed to be pleasantly detached.
can i share something with you? i want you to have this.
warm beams gleamed through the thick green glass illuminating his dark eyes, exchanging black centers for white reflective glare. [the brightening of eyes usually has an expressive, identifying effect, but the result of the light in his eyes merely expanded them, flattening features on his face] the youth glared out at me, from the corner. it was as if he was part of the corner, he grew from it. Rays reflecting in his unblinking eyes emptied him, brought out something that was lifeless,unfeeling, not even sad or desperate or lacking, just purely without hope. of anything. not caring to explore this yet (or maybe just fearing what i would or would not discover) i noted that the sun somehow voided settling on his pale skin. moments passed before i realized exactly how i must look, examining this boy from across the room. but i couldn't stop. i was transfixed, reading into the empty white eyes, rolling my thoughts over his body and his demeanor, searching his being for some sign of humanity and finding what can only be expressed as a silent scream.
i started hurting alot tonight. last night was alot of fun, went to a friends house and basically got drunk and danced alot. confessed some lingering feelings to a friend and surprisingly felt no akwardness. i think because i don't fear judgement from him anymore, i only long for respect.
i realized that two of the most important young men in my recent life have both completely cut me off. hence the disposable feeling. i have so much emotion invested in both of them, and i love them both dearly. I, with all my being, don't want to let them go. but i find that what i want doesn't matter. they have made their decisions. I am trying to handle this realization. i am trying to figure what else i can do, but sit here and be subject to abandonment. all my love, everything i want to give them makes no difference, because not only do they not want it. they won't take it. perhaps i asked too much of them, though i doubt it.
i poorly excersize restraint to spare my roomate. there is a good reason for me to cry, and yet i hold back. what can i do here? what can i do but type a little story, hope it feels better, and accept that they are gone. two of the most incredible people i have experienced, want nothing to do with me.
it is hard to not place blame upon myself. it seems sensible for some reason. i know the explanation runs much deeper than that, but why is there nothing i can do. what can i do. there is no one for me to tell this all to, so i send it out into the internet, where people are aloowed to be pleasantly detached.
can i share something with you? i want you to have this.
warm beams gleamed through the thick green glass illuminating his dark eyes, exchanging black centers for white reflective glare. [the brightening of eyes usually has an expressive, identifying effect, but the result of the light in his eyes merely expanded them, flattening features on his face] the youth glared out at me, from the corner. it was as if he was part of the corner, he grew from it. Rays reflecting in his unblinking eyes emptied him, brought out something that was lifeless,unfeeling, not even sad or desperate or lacking, just purely without hope. of anything. not caring to explore this yet (or maybe just fearing what i would or would not discover) i noted that the sun somehow voided settling on his pale skin. moments passed before i realized exactly how i must look, examining this boy from across the room. but i couldn't stop. i was transfixed, reading into the empty white eyes, rolling my thoughts over his body and his demeanor, searching his being for some sign of humanity and finding what can only be expressed as a silent scream.