I feel her about to move, and lift my hands easily, putting them right back where they were, next to her skin.
It's her eyes that catch me off-guard, so open, so frightened, but still hopeful, still curious. Her voice makes me want to close my eyes, savor it, but I can't look away. The sound of her heart is intense, but it reminds me that neither of us is certain what we're dealing with here, and I need to keep my head, not sink into the sensations crowding me.
My finger goes to the strap of her dress, drawing over it, hooking under it, just pulling it aside a little. My thumb slides back and forth over smooth skin that I want to lean in and kiss, but it feels too soon. Drawing the strap back up, my hand goes gently to her cheek, brushing back her hair from her face.
Leaning in, I kiss her forehead softly, the smell of her overwhelming me. "Tell me...if I'm going too fast, if you need anything," I murmur, wanting her to feel safe. I may not know how far this should go, but I know how far it shouldn't, and I don't want her thinking it will go anywhere if she says otherwise. My hand slides into her hair, cupping her head, and I give in. I kiss her, just a brush of lips, and then more, softly, slowly.
I keep my eyes locked to his, even as I feel his finger hook into the strap of my dress, moving it just enough to run his fingers over my skin. My body feels like a tuning fork, humming under his touch and I find myself almost gasping when he replaces the strap.
My eyes flutter closed as his lips touch my forehead, his lips burning my skin like fire. He whispers to me and there are words on my lips that start to slip out just as I feel his fingers in my hair.
Reaching up, I grip his shirt tightly in my hands, my entire body shaking and I feel nothing but want at the same time that I fill with fear. Fear this'll end before it starts.
"Need..." I gasp out when his lips break from mine, my eyes almost too scared to open again. "Need you to kiss me again." I don't feel so broken when you do.
His lips are on mine again and this time I tip my face up to his, my lips lightly ghosting over his as I feel his hands on my dress, my fists tight on his shirt still. A soft gasp escapes my lips when he nips at my bottom lip, pulling it between his teeth as his fingers tighten in my hair. "Angel."
The kiss ends and I’m helpless not to do as she asks, a hunger rising inside me that has lain dormant for months. Has been forcefully denied at every turn, but just the word 'need' from her lips and I have to kiss her, kiss her deeply, hungrily, hand roaming over her back, fingers tightening in her hair.
The soft material of her dress is like fire under my fingers, and I have to wonder what her skin must feel like beneath it. Moaning and letting her go, I tease her lip between my teeth, not ready to let her go, but sensing a need for air.
“Tara,” I murmur, mouth brushing over her jaw, briefly - very briefly - down her neck to that shoulder I wanted to kiss before. This time I let the strap slip down, exposing her shoulder. It’s just a kiss at first, then a nip to her collarbone, a lick to soothe the bite, and I find myself pressing her closer.
"Want you," I confess, a raspy whisper next to her ear.
My back arches just slightly as I feel his lips trail over my jaw, my head tipping back to expose my neck and shoulder more to him. "Oh god," I whisper, feeling him lower the strap to my dress again, exposing my skin to his lips as my breathing became harder.
Angel's confession leaves me weak in the knees, my mind unable to comprehend his words into a clear thought and I swallow thickly, my eyes tightly closed as I was pressed against the sink and beautifully trapped against him.
"I..." His lips are so close to my ear and I find myself moaning softly, finally untangling my fingers from his shirt to find their way over his shoulder and into his hair. It's all too much and not enough at the same time. I want to run away scared and I'm too scared to run away.
I let my actions of not pulling away signal to him that I don't want him to stop, that this isn't too much for me. I'm afraid of what I want and I'm afraid of what'll happen if I move from this spot. "Please..."
She bends to me, pliant, vulnerable, silently asking me for more. I try to give it to her, try not too give too much though, feeling even this little bit of kissing making me hungry for more. Very hungry.
Once her arms are around my shoulders, I drag her closer, get her flush with my body, feeling all of her pressed up against me. "Tara," I lean down to kiss her again, tongue begging for entrance, a pleased noise slipping out of me when she relents easily, seeming without hesitation. Her mouth is hot and wet, and God, I feel like I could drown in it the way she responds, her heart sill thundering loudly.
My hands are sliding all over her, one sliding up her side to brush the curve of her breast. I shudder at the contact, my thoughts jumbled and arousal building. "Tara," I sigh into her neck after the kiss. "The things you do to me," I murmur against her skin, kissing her exposed neck and shoulder. Kissing that spot where her neck meets her shoulder, I suck lightly, my teeth barely grazing her skin when I pull away to look into those eyes again.
The way he says my name over and over makes me weak, my hands gripping onto him to keep me from falling. I kiss him again, this time deeper and I gasp when his tongue brushes against mine; only causing me to grip onto him tighter still. Afraid to let go.
A sharp gasp escapes my lips as he sucks lightly at that spot on my neck, goosebumps rising on my arms as I finally open my eyes to look up at him. "You do the same to me," I murmur, my heart thundering in my ears at the feel of him so close to me.
You can't do this. You're not allowed to be happy, Tara. You're a monster.
So is he.
I find myself shaking and at war with myself, wanting more of him as much as I wanted to pull away. "I...I don't know what to do..." I keep my eyes closed as I run my fingers through his hair, keeping him to me. "You make me want to run and stay in the same breath."
Looking into her eyes, I can see her. All of her. How scared she is, how uncertain, and how much she wants. I want to shush her, tell her it's okay, she doesn't have to know, that we can stop, but she keeps talking and I find myself going very still in her arms.
You should. You run very far away. Run fast, Tara, this isn't where you should be. It's what I know I should say, what I want to say so that I won't break her, but it isn't what falls from my mouth. "Stay," I breath against her mouth, kissing her again. Just stay. I'll take care of you. I won't let you break. I've got you, I've got you.
It's strange having all these feelings bursting inside me again, and she's not the only one who doesn't know what to do. My hands slide up over her shoulders and down, down splaying over her ass, holding her tightly against me, and I just can'tnot.
"Hold on," I murmur, lifting her up to set her on the counter, not even noticing any flares of pain, just slipping between her legs, smoothing over them so they wrap around me, and nuzzling against her neck. "Stay," I say again quietly sounding more breathless than I should be, and that's when the lights choose to flicker.
He's kissing me and telling me to stay, he's making me wish it was all that simple; I would love and want nothing more than to stay and let myself drown in this but I know I can't. I shouldn't.
I haven't told him who - what - I was and I'm far from ready for that and I know I'm far from ready for anything he could want here and now. I don't want him to pull away, the contact he gives me is something I find myself wanting even more.
My legs are around his waist and I feel him against me, the differences in our bodies clear as day and I find my breath catching in my throat and even as I pull him closer I start to protest slightly. "C-can't. It's...it's not fair." My voice is shaking and I notice the lights flickering and they go dim again, giving me boldness to kiss him again soundly as my fingers fist in his shirt again.
Any question I have is silence by her kiss. It comes out of nowhere and surprises me, makes me arch against her like I have no right to do. My hands leave her body and come up to cradle her face, kissing her back just as eagerly, just as soundly.
"Tara," I murmur, pulling back before too long, feeling urges I've been holding back for far too long come to the fore. I don't want it to be like that, I don't want it to be too fast, too soon. Her fear alone tells me that. I'm not ready either. I'm more than ready, I think she can feel that, but my control is too loose, I can't take this much further...
"What's not fair, Tara?" I murmur against her skin, kissing her cheek, her neck softer, slower, trying to calm myself down as much as her. I can feel the heat radiating from her along with the fear, it's so hard to ignore either much less both.
My hands slide down her, down her neck, down her shoulders, drinking in her skin beneath my fingers. Her arms, her hips, running up and down her thighs, fingers flashing beneath the hem of her dress, wanting to go higher, but not daring to let myself. I bite my lip and kiss the back of her jaw, nuzzling behind her ear, waiting for her to make some sense of her words.
I can almost feel his body hum against mine, the closeness of his body to me is like a magnet and all I know is that as much as I want, I find myself scared at the same moment. The thought and idea of what could happen - of all the newness - is overhwelming and I swallow hard, my breathing shallow as his lips and hands move over my skin.
His hands are fire and my breath hitches as his fingers move over my thighs, the hot flash of thought runs though my mind. All other thoughts escape me as I feel his lips against my jaw and neck. I don't want him to stop, I've never felt like this. But he has to stop.
"I can't..I wont lose." My breath catches in my throat and I swallow hard, using all the strength I have in me to push him away and stand again. I only ended up pushing us closer again. "I don't." I look down at my feet and rest my head on his chest. "I lose everything, I d-don't want. I can't lose anymore." I shake my head and pull away, finding myself backing away even as my vision blurs. "I'm sorry."
When she speaks, her words don't make any more sense than before, and I pull my face out of hiding in her neck to look at her, and seeing the despair and determination only instants before her hands are on my chest. I could have stayed there, but the fear and pain radiating off her make me move without thought, only wanting to get out of her way. The moment her hands push me the lights finally flicker back on behind us, the lobby flooding the room with a dim light.
I don't understand. I don't understand what she's saying. I want to hold her, tell her everything will be alright, but I don't know what kind of promise that would be. I don't know what she's trying to tell me, and I want to ask her, but she sounds so broken, I don't want to make it worse.
"No," I say a little more vehemently than I intend. Not sharply, just very surely. "Don't be sorry, I shouldn't have, I'm not- you shouldn't-" I run my fingers though my hair and step back toward the door, suddenly feeling every ache in my body again, every pain and weakness. "It's my fault, I shouldn't have," I murmur. "I'm sorry, Tara. I would never hurt you," I whisper, back already turned, hands braced on the table to keep myself from falling.
If she wants to escape, she should. She shouldn't be tied to me. "You aren't going to lose me, though." I say quietly as she slips to the door. "I'll be here if you need me." My voice sounds hollow even to my own ears, but I mean it.
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about," I whisper "It's not your fault. I kissed back. I wanted...I kissed back." I force myself not to cry and even as I go to walk I know that I need to stay and help him. He's still weak and we both know it, even if I try to hide it from him.
Standing there I try to let my heart calm down and I turn, walk to him slowly and place my hand on his shoulder, looking up at him. "You need me now and I'm here." My voice is low and I slowly edge him towards the lobby and with every intention of taking him upstairs in the elevator so he can rest.
"You need to rest, Angel." I brush my hair away from my face as I mentally push everything out of my mind and focus on him. "Please," I whisper. "Don't argue with me, you go rest." He wants to protest, I can see it.
Her words swim in my ears, and despite what she says, I know I've done everything wrong here, giving into what I wanted instead of thinking about what she needed.
I can feel the tension in her even as she tries to help me. Always putting someone else first. I don't understand what just happened here, but I do know I don't want her within ten feet of me right now. Much less touching me, smelling the way she does, feeling the way she does.
Putting my hand over hers on my arm, fighting back how nice it feels that she cares, I look at her, eyes meeting hers fully. "I'm fine, Tara. I'll come up in a little bit. In the elevator, I promise." I give her a little half smile, trying to reassure her. "I just need to do a little work on this case we've got. Since I'm up and the lights are on..." I brush my thumb over her fingers, feeling the spark of something, and knowing we can't do that again. I can't.
"You go ahead. You should study. I'll be fine," I say brushing that stray strand of hair away that keeps stubbornly falling in her face. "Thank you again for dinner." I didn't mean to spoil things. It won't happen again.
He's dismissing me and I feel myself shatter inside even though I try not to, knowing that I was right and everything I do touch falls apart. There's a moment when he brushes my hair from my face that I feel like I lost my best friend even though there's so much we have yet to know about each other.
Without a word, I slip away from him, nodding as he thanks me for dinner and I head to the door, wanting to speak but not daring to. I feel so much and nothing at the same time that I grip onto the doorframe to steady myself for a moment, swallowing hard as I try to catch up with my pounding heart. "Angel?" My voice is low but I know he can hear me. "I'm sorry. I...I don't regret..."
My words trailed off as I slowly made my way up to my room, wrapping my arms around myself tightly as I stepped up quietly. I walked into my room and closed the door behind me, knowing that I should study but that option was far from happening.
I slip off my clothes but leave on my bra and panties as I slip under the thick covers, hugging the spare pillow to me closely as I finally let the tears come out. I didn't know why I felt this way but I knew that things couldn't move any further than they were going with Angel. I didn't have anyone to count on and I wasn't going to lose the only friend I had here.
The tears silently fell as I cried myself into another nightmare filled sleep.
It's her eyes that catch me off-guard, so open, so frightened, but still hopeful, still curious. Her voice makes me want to close my eyes, savor it, but I can't look away. The sound of her heart is intense, but it reminds me that neither of us is certain what we're dealing with here, and I need to keep my head, not sink into the sensations crowding me.
My finger goes to the strap of her dress, drawing over it, hooking under it, just pulling it aside a little. My thumb slides back and forth over smooth skin that I want to lean in and kiss, but it feels too soon. Drawing the strap back up, my hand goes gently to her cheek, brushing back her hair from her face.
Leaning in, I kiss her forehead softly, the smell of her overwhelming me. "Tell me...if I'm going too fast, if you need anything," I murmur, wanting her to feel safe. I may not know how far this should go, but I know how far it shouldn't, and I don't want her thinking it will go anywhere if she says otherwise. My hand slides into her hair, cupping her head, and I give in. I kiss her, just a brush of lips, and then more, softly, slowly.
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My eyes flutter closed as his lips touch my forehead, his lips burning my skin like fire. He whispers to me and there are words on my lips that start to slip out just as I feel his fingers in my hair.
Reaching up, I grip his shirt tightly in my hands, my entire body shaking and I feel nothing but want at the same time that I fill with fear. Fear this'll end before it starts.
"Need..." I gasp out when his lips break from mine, my eyes almost too scared to open again. "Need you to kiss me again." I don't feel so broken when you do.
His lips are on mine again and this time I tip my face up to his, my lips lightly ghosting over his as I feel his hands on my dress, my fists tight on his shirt still. A soft gasp escapes my lips when he nips at my bottom lip, pulling it between his teeth as his fingers tighten in my hair. "Angel."
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The soft material of her dress is like fire under my fingers, and I have to wonder what her skin must feel like beneath it. Moaning and letting her go, I tease her lip between my teeth, not ready to let her go, but sensing a need for air.
“Tara,” I murmur, mouth brushing over her jaw, briefly - very briefly - down her neck to that shoulder I wanted to kiss before. This time I let the strap slip down, exposing her shoulder. It’s just a kiss at first, then a nip to her collarbone, a lick to soothe the bite, and I find myself pressing her closer.
"Want you," I confess, a raspy whisper next to her ear.
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Angel's confession leaves me weak in the knees, my mind unable to comprehend his words into a clear thought and I swallow thickly, my eyes tightly closed as I was pressed against the sink and beautifully trapped against him.
"I..." His lips are so close to my ear and I find myself moaning softly, finally untangling my fingers from his shirt to find their way over his shoulder and into his hair. It's all too much and not enough at the same time. I want to run away scared and I'm too scared to run away.
I let my actions of not pulling away signal to him that I don't want him to stop, that this isn't too much for me. I'm afraid of what I want and I'm afraid of what'll happen if I move from this spot. "Please..."
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Once her arms are around my shoulders, I drag her closer, get her flush with my body, feeling all of her pressed up against me. "Tara," I lean down to kiss her again, tongue begging for entrance, a pleased noise slipping out of me when she relents easily, seeming without hesitation. Her mouth is hot and wet, and God, I feel like I could drown in it the way she responds, her heart sill thundering loudly.
My hands are sliding all over her, one sliding up her side to brush the curve of her breast. I shudder at the contact, my thoughts jumbled and arousal building. "Tara," I sigh into her neck after the kiss. "The things you do to me," I murmur against her skin, kissing her exposed neck and shoulder. Kissing that spot where her neck meets her shoulder, I suck lightly, my teeth barely grazing her skin when I pull away to look into those eyes again.
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A sharp gasp escapes my lips as he sucks lightly at that spot on my neck, goosebumps rising on my arms as I finally open my eyes to look up at him. "You do the same to me," I murmur, my heart thundering in my ears at the feel of him so close to me.
You can't do this. You're not allowed to be happy, Tara. You're a monster.
So is he.
I find myself shaking and at war with myself, wanting more of him as much as I wanted to pull away. "I...I don't know what to do..." I keep my eyes closed as I run my fingers through his hair, keeping him to me. "You make me want to run and stay in the same breath."
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You should. You run very far away. Run fast, Tara, this isn't where you should be. It's what I know I should say, what I want to say so that I won't break her, but it isn't what falls from my mouth. "Stay," I breath against her mouth, kissing her again. Just stay. I'll take care of you. I won't let you break. I've got you, I've got you.
It's strange having all these feelings bursting inside me again, and she's not the only one who doesn't know what to do. My hands slide up over her shoulders and down, down splaying over her ass, holding her tightly against me, and I just can'tnot.
"Hold on," I murmur, lifting her up to set her on the counter, not even noticing any flares of pain, just slipping between her legs, smoothing over them so they wrap around me, and nuzzling against her neck. "Stay," I say again quietly sounding more breathless than I should be, and that's when the lights choose to flicker.
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I haven't told him who - what - I was and I'm far from ready for that and I know I'm far from ready for anything he could want here and now. I don't want him to pull away, the contact he gives me is something I find myself wanting even more.
My legs are around his waist and I feel him against me, the differences in our bodies clear as day and I find my breath catching in my throat and even as I pull him closer I start to protest slightly. "C-can't. It's...it's not fair." My voice is shaking and I notice the lights flickering and they go dim again, giving me boldness to kiss him again soundly as my fingers fist in his shirt again.
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"Tara," I murmur, pulling back before too long, feeling urges I've been holding back for far too long come to the fore. I don't want it to be like that, I don't want it to be too fast, too soon. Her fear alone tells me that. I'm not ready either. I'm more than ready, I think she can feel that, but my control is too loose, I can't take this much further...
"What's not fair, Tara?" I murmur against her skin, kissing her cheek, her neck softer, slower, trying to calm myself down as much as her. I can feel the heat radiating from her along with the fear, it's so hard to ignore either much less both.
My hands slide down her, down her neck, down her shoulders, drinking in her skin beneath my fingers. Her arms, her hips, running up and down her thighs, fingers flashing beneath the hem of her dress, wanting to go higher, but not daring to let myself. I bite my lip and kiss the back of her jaw, nuzzling behind her ear, waiting for her to make some sense of her words.
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His hands are fire and my breath hitches as his fingers move over my thighs, the hot flash of thought runs though my mind. All other thoughts escape me as I feel his lips against my jaw and neck. I don't want him to stop, I've never felt like this. But he has to stop.
"I can't..I wont lose." My breath catches in my throat and I swallow hard, using all the strength I have in me to push him away and stand again. I only ended up pushing us closer again. "I don't." I look down at my feet and rest my head on his chest. "I lose everything, I d-don't want. I can't lose anymore." I shake my head and pull away, finding myself backing away even as my vision blurs. "I'm sorry."
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I don't understand. I don't understand what she's saying. I want to hold her, tell her everything will be alright, but I don't know what kind of promise that would be. I don't know what she's trying to tell me, and I want to ask her, but she sounds so broken, I don't want to make it worse.
"No," I say a little more vehemently than I intend. Not sharply, just very surely. "Don't be sorry, I shouldn't have, I'm not- you shouldn't-" I run my fingers though my hair and step back toward the door, suddenly feeling every ache in my body again, every pain and weakness. "It's my fault, I shouldn't have," I murmur. "I'm sorry, Tara. I would never hurt you," I whisper, back already turned, hands braced on the table to keep myself from falling.
If she wants to escape, she should. She shouldn't be tied to me. "You aren't going to lose me, though." I say quietly as she slips to the door. "I'll be here if you need me." My voice sounds hollow even to my own ears, but I mean it.
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Standing there I try to let my heart calm down and I turn, walk to him slowly and place my hand on his shoulder, looking up at him. "You need me now and I'm here." My voice is low and I slowly edge him towards the lobby and with every intention of taking him upstairs in the elevator so he can rest.
"You need to rest, Angel." I brush my hair away from my face as I mentally push everything out of my mind and focus on him. "Please," I whisper. "Don't argue with me, you go rest." He wants to protest, I can see it.
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I can feel the tension in her even as she tries to help me. Always putting someone else first. I don't understand what just happened here, but I do know I don't want her within ten feet of me right now. Much less touching me, smelling the way she does, feeling the way she does.
Putting my hand over hers on my arm, fighting back how nice it feels that she cares, I look at her, eyes meeting hers fully. "I'm fine, Tara. I'll come up in a little bit. In the elevator, I promise." I give her a little half smile, trying to reassure her. "I just need to do a little work on this case we've got. Since I'm up and the lights are on..." I brush my thumb over her fingers, feeling the spark of something, and knowing we can't do that again. I can't.
"You go ahead. You should study. I'll be fine," I say brushing that stray strand of hair away that keeps stubbornly falling in her face. "Thank you again for dinner." I didn't mean to spoil things. It won't happen again.
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Without a word, I slip away from him, nodding as he thanks me for dinner and I head to the door, wanting to speak but not daring to. I feel so much and nothing at the same time that I grip onto the doorframe to steady myself for a moment, swallowing hard as I try to catch up with my pounding heart. "Angel?" My voice is low but I know he can hear me. "I'm sorry. I...I don't regret..."
My words trailed off as I slowly made my way up to my room, wrapping my arms around myself tightly as I stepped up quietly. I walked into my room and closed the door behind me, knowing that I should study but that option was far from happening.
I slip off my clothes but leave on my bra and panties as I slip under the thick covers, hugging the spare pillow to me closely as I finally let the tears come out. I didn't know why I felt this way but I knew that things couldn't move any further than they were going with Angel. I didn't have anyone to count on and I wasn't going to lose the only friend I had here.
The tears silently fell as I cried myself into another nightmare filled sleep.
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