cannot become honest
Pairing: Taemin/Key
Rating: PG13
Warnings: None
Final Word Count: +3000 words
cannot become honest
On days like this one, Taemin understands why Kibum has chosen Choi Minho.
While Taemin bears a face with the expression of someone who would rather be anywhere but where he is, Minho is all eye-smiles, telling others something that is meaningless and too sentimental. Taemin knows Minho traps everyone with the excited gestures of his hands, sparkling eyes and wide smiles that crinkle the corners of his eyes handsomely. That's why Kibum looks at him as if he was the man who held the secrets to happiness. Minho looks back at him as if he was the most precious thing he has ever had. In their bubble, like it has been since the very beginning, there’s no space for anyone else. No space for Jonghyun, no space for Jinki, no space for Taemin.
”Taemin-ah, are you going to finish that?” Jonghyun asks him, chopsticks pointing at his portion of rice.
Taemin sends him a smug smile before taking some kimchi to add it to his bowl. Jonghyun looks at him with indignation, eyes narrowing before he sticks out his tongue at the youngest, going back to eat soon after. Jinki by his side is listening quietly to Jonghyun's rambling about brats as he devours the cold noodles he wanted since he woke up. A few feet from them, Minho and Kibum are sitting on the only couch of their dressing room. Kibum is seated on a lotus position and Minho is sitting slightly to the side so he can face his boyfriend as much as he can. Kibum is feeding him portions of bibimbap while Minho just chews and listens to everything Kibum is saying. They look perfect together and Taemin just tightens his grip on his chopsticks.
*****
It wasn't always like this.
When they were introduced as the next boyband to debut, Key and Minho weren’t close at all -except they were, but in the kind of way nemesis are. Each time Taemin saw Kibum looking at Minho through narrowed eyes, he knew there was a potential for something more than just hatred. He hadn’t paid attention to what that potential could be mainly because having Kibum baby-ing him was quite pleasant. Back then, Taemin hadn’t realized that the warmth spreading through his limbs each time Kibum’s fingers ran through his hair was nothing else but the sort of love that grows: the love that gets deeper and deeper only to mess up with one’s head until the soul wrecked beyond repair.
“Taeminnie, stop spacing out and eat!”
“Taeminnie, you want blueberry pancakes or the normal vanilla ones?"
“Taeminnie, come here! Keep company to your hyung!”
“Taeminnie, give me a hug!”
All that had gotten lost gradually once Minho and Kibum put aside their differences. Like the nonexistent space between the two of them as they all stood in front of their fans and cameras, Minho seemed to be permanently gravitating around Kibum and vice versa. Little by little, Taemin came to realize the space between he and Kibum was growing exponentially while the one between Minho and Kibum was becoming narrower. Even after Taemin tried to shorten the distance, it had been to no avail. Now Kibum would just give him a small look followed by an acknowledging smile. Then his attention would drift back to Minho as he used his shoulder for support while he laughed and laughed.
Minho was used to put his hand on the small of Kibum’s back, gently guiding him through the people until they got to where he wanted them to. On concerts, special performances, tv shows, airports… Minho was always looking out for Kibum as if he was a constant damsel in distress. No matter how much Kibum nagged at him for the extra attention, Taemin saw the little, delighted smile toying with the corners of his lips and making his dimples show slighthly just when he thought nobody was looking. Minho charmed him with his caring and happy nature. Taemin sometimes wished he hadn’t been as young as he was when they debuted: if he had been the same age as Kibum, then he would have been the lead dancer and the visual of the group; Minho would have never been required. Kibum’s undivided attention would have been his and his alone.
But this is all he has left now.
*****
“I know that the last thing you want at this moment is someone telling you it’s gonna be okay,” Jinki chimes.
At this Taemin perks up, gaze lifting until he finds the sincere eyes of their leader.
“Unrequited love sometimes feels like a thorn that breaks deeper and deeper inside your skin. It makes you believe you are stuck with it, that it will never get out." Jinki pauses. "But that’s not how it is.”
Jinki smiles at him like a dad would do, and a part of Taemin wants to believe him.
“Like all thorns that get into your skin, however, you have to pull them out before they leave permanent marks.”
With this said, he leaves. Taemin looks back at his phone. As he mulls over what the eldest of them all said, Kibum steps into the living room.
“Ah, Taeminnie! I didn’t know you were here! I thought you would be having fun at your flat with Jongin and the rest of the EXO kids,” Kibum says with a smile, flopping down next to him and facing him. “Is something wrong? Did you come to see Jinki? I think he is in his room- you want me to call him?”
Taemin stares at Kibum and feels his heart being squeezed. He still has his lovely lilac hair and the disarray in it tells him that he has spent the morning in his bed. His eyes are just a tad swollen with sleepiness, but aside from that, they sparkle just like always. His nose is straight and as cute as he remembers it to be. It’s his lips what call Taemin’s attention the most: they are swollen and red. It’s only then that it dawns to him that the elder certainly hasn’t been just sleeping in his room.
He doesn’t know what his face is telling Kibum, but he does know that Kibum blushes furiously. His hand immediately goes up to cover a mark Taemin has just seen.
“Minho… I told him… aish!” he clicks his tongue and pouts.
Had other been the circumstances, Taemin would have loved to reach out and try to pinch Kibum’s cheeks while thinking all to himself that he was the cutest human being in the entire universe. All he has left right then though, is the feeling of sinking and sinking nonstop into a world void of anything remotely happy. Kibum belongs to someone who is not -never has and never will be- him.
*****
Taemin skims his fingers over Kibum’s fringe, gently moving it to the side without quite touching his skin. The desire of doing so burns him with the knowledge that it’s wrong, because his intentions are not just of the friendly sort. He swallows a dry lump down his throat. This is the only thing he has: moments he steals for himself that make him aware of how deep his want runs, raw and unfulfilled.
“Ah, he’s asleep,” Minho’s low voice cuts the silence. Taemin’s hand almost jerks away from his hyung’s sleeping face. His fingers twitch as rebellion swirls inside his heart. If only he could take Kibum away from Minho, he thinks.
“Yeah, when I got here he was already asleep,” he answers, not quite turning to look at Minho. He does lower his hand though after brushing another loose lock out of Kibum’s angelical face.
“The promotions and the musical have been too much,” Minho sighs.
He leaves his backpack on a chair near them before taking a seat on the armrest of the couch. He watches Taemin and then Kibum; for a moment, Taemin asks himself if Minho knows.
If he were Minho, he would fight against anyone who tried to steal Kibum away from him. But the elder is too noble for his own good, and he also loves Taemin like one would love a younger brother. Taemin can see that his eyes flicker after noticing that his hand is near Kibum’s heart, yet he doesn’t do anything to stop him. Instead Minho remains where he is, looking at them both.
“Didn’t the Super Junior hyungs invite you to a party at Siwon hyung’s condo?” Taemin mentions, turning just the enough to regard his elder, his hand still on Kibum.
Minho looks at him with an inscrutable expression before he speaks.
“I was worried,” he says, and Taemin can hear the rumble inside his chest as he speaks. Kibum has told everyone how fixated he is with the sound of his boyfriend’s voice.
Taemin hums. He chews over Minho’s words, asking himself if perhaps he also means “I was worried about leaving you alone with him.” But the thought goes as soon as it comes.
“He doesn’t have a fever, with some more hours of sleeping, he will be as good as new again,” Taemin shrugs, getting up. “I’m going to make some tea. Do you want any?”
Minho smiles, nodding. Taemin wanders off to the kitchen. It doesn’t take him long to prepare their tea. When he pads his way back to the living room, he stops in his tracks after hearing hushed voices speaking. Peering at them from the hall, Taemin’s lips purse as he watches Kibum reaching for Minho’s hand. Their fingers intertwine together as the taller man goes over him. He has the softest eye-smile he reserves for this man when he is looking at him with sleepy eyes and a sweet smile showing his dimples. Slowly, Kibum props himself up the enough to make some space for the younger in the couch. Like this, after a few seconds, they stay wrapped into each other’s arms and legs. Minho is running his fingers through Kibum’s hair while Kibum is drawing circles on his hipbone as he closes his eyes and drifts off.
Taemin doesn’t need to squint his eyes to see the glimpse of a special small smile adorning Kibum’s relaxed features as he sleeps. Shaking his head, he leaves the teapot and cups in the bar and takes his cellphone. Then he comes out, pointing at the device to mouth a “I have to go, sorry” to Minho. Like this, Taemin steps out of the place that contains both his dreams and his nightmares.
It occurs to him later that maybe Minho doesn’t need to slay any of his opponents because Kibum has made sure to prove him he loves him. Minho is sure that what Kibum and he have is real, whereas Taemin knows that he would always be torn with the doubt of ever being good enough for -to- Kibum.
*****
Sometimes Kibum is petty and this Taemin can understand. When Kibum is in a mood, Taemin can read in his eyes that he wishes Minho was a more complex person; he wishes he would talk more about something else than sports, their hyungs and dongsaengs, and what a good time they had during a performance or a concert. Also, in the amount of skinship Kibum has with others who aren’t his boyfriend, Taemin can see Kibum’s wishes for some signs of jealousy coming from Minho’s actions; yet Minho is perfect as it comes, and he would never, ever hurt the elder in any way.
Taemin thinks of the storm he could bring to Kibum’s life if he would just let him; how much he would give him.
But then Kibum wakes up to find marks settled on his clavicles and hipbones. That has him smiling and forgetting all about his previous thoughts. If he clings a little more to Minho during the following days, Minho receives him with a teasing smirk and warm hugs.
Taemin can give him raw signs of jealousy and talks about a lot of dark things. But he can’t give him the kind of passion Minho is able to achieve. Taemin knows that if Kibum ever let him in, he would sweep him off his feet, destroying everything until the only one standing before him was Taemin. They would only belong to each other from then on.
*****
He doesn’t need Jinki to tell him that perhaps this entire attraction to Kibum is just something momentary, a whim of sorts. Taemin has considered the way his heart aches and fills with something he can’t describe when Kibum cries -it makes him laugh, because he has never been that expressive, that emotional-. Taemin often thinks how he is left without breath when he sees the older coming out from a shower, lips red and skin glowing as he blinks his pretty eyelashes and his eyes crinkle with softness at the sight of him. He thinks a lot about the way something inside him constricts when Minho envelopes Kibum with his caresses and little gestures that seem to be as inevitable as breathing.
More often than he would like to admit it, he wishes he was Minho.
The thing is that there is no way that can happen: what Minho knows about taking care of others, Taemin knows about fucking them up, though this half stops when Kibum is involved.
They are on a tour and Kibum is radiating with happiness. Taemin knows how much he likes to travel: each concert outside Seoul is welcomed with a wide, dimpled smile plus a lot of pages about the best touristic spots they should visit in the cities they go to. Taemin hates and loves him when he gets like this: his self-control needs a lot more to restrain him from doing anything stupid.
Kibum knows he can manipulate people with a few of his words and small touches, but he has never believed that his physique is anything spectacular, even if Minho whispers into his ear time after time how he loves the line of his back and his kitten-like features and cute gestures. It isn’t a surprise that while they are singing and Kibum rests on his belly, all smiles and waves at the fans cheering for them, Taemin walks over him and joins him. Kibum turns his head slightly to the side to look at him, and Taemin’s world shuts down to only look at this man with sweaty bangs and happiness blooming in his face. He leans in, eyelids fluttering closed. He is so near that he can even get a sniff of Kibum’s perfume and natural scent, and it’s enough to push him forwards. He falls, head first, into a foolish fantasy where he can tease and try to get as close to Kibum as he wants.
At first, his brain doesn’t register the feeling of cold water going down his back. But when he does, he opens his eyes widely and retreats, turning to look at the responsible for ruining this moment.
It is sweet, oblivious Jinki who is giving him a look that speaks of everything Taemin can’t bring himself to accept just yet.
*****
Kibum is used to think that Taemin is the same sweet boy he has helped to raise during their years as trainees and the first years of their debut. This is why he doesn’t see the look of pure envy and hatred Taemin sends to Minho’s way when he’s all lovey-dovey with him. Taemin doesn’t think anyone realizes how much he dislikes it when they don’t bother to hide how they feel about each other, and he has to keep pretending he’s okay for the sake of their band and everything that is precious to Kibum.
“Why couldn’t it be me?” he asks Jinki on one afternoon.
Both of them are drenched in sweat, Taemin’s white tank top clings to him like a second skin. His black bangs are damped with sweat, and he pushes them off his face with a brush of his hand. Jinki drags his gaze to the floor, but doesn’t say anything even though he is surprised that Taemin has admitted this to him. Behind them, in what will be their stage for the night in a few hours, Kibum is jumping up and down while Minho tries to capture him. Taemin can hear their laughs from where he stands with Jinki. Jonghyun’s voice also resounds with a joyful “Get a room!”.
Taemin feels he’s drowning.
It isn't the first time Taemin wishes he could be honest with Kibum. When he imagines how his confession would go, he feels his stomach turning upside down with both fear and anticipation. Jink has told him that to pull this love out, to rip it from his soul and stop his madness, he needs to confront it. But he can’t imagine a world where Kibum doesn’t hug him like he always has done.
Kibum has a way to go about people, and being the empathetic person he is, he will give to Taemin everything he needs, including space. That is what Taemin cannot tolerate. Watching his hyungs being in love? That he can handle. But what would come of Kibum’s rejection? That is what his heart won’t be able to resist.
If Kibum knows that Taemin is nothing like the boy he used to know… Taemin can’t bring himself to finish the thought.
Jinki puts a hand on his back, patting it lightly before he leaves Taemin alone. Away from everyone, Taemin runs his fingers through his jet black hair. His expression is troubled and his eyes sting.
Choi Minho is perfect, and Lee Taemin is not.
Taemin understands why Kibum would choose cheesiness, nights filled with whispers and soft kisses, and a ridiculous sense of competitiveness over whatever it is that could come out from him joining Taemin in his apartment. But if only Kibum would let him, Taemin could show him just how much he wants him, how much his desire for him grows inside his veins, coiling tightly around his heart, leaving him breathless, aching for all Kibum has to offer. Taemin would love him with everything he has, fierce, strong, and rampant like nothing he has ever seen.
Yet Kibum prefers what he has found in the breeze of a rising summer. Instead of wanting to burn brightly and all at once, he prefers to relish in the sweet, slow rhythm of a love that resembles the passing of the clouds up in the sky. Kibum prefers the subtle but constant caresses of his beloved prince than whatever it is that the ocean can offer him. This, Taemin gets it in the way he sees the elder lets his fingers lace with Minho’s, digits falling into place naturally even if they linger less than five seconds between the spaces of Minho’s fingers.
Taemin has lost a battle that never got to start. He can’t change that.
Kibum and Minho found each other along the years. In that bubble of theirs that has been there since the beginning, Taemin has always known that he doesn’t fit. Never had and never will.
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A/N: re-posted with some cleaning up done here and there. Thanks for reading!