The Shit-Fest that is my Life
I've recently had the urge to start LJing again. Strange. It's quite probable it's due to my extremely depressive state... Funny.
I should really stop "forgetting" to take my meds. =/
(I took it after writing that sentence, so don't fret.)
Last night (well, the night of the 3rd-4th, anyways), I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a while. The night before that I had a dream Nick told me that the real reason he left was because he wanted to be a father one day, and knew that wouldn't happen if he were to stay with me.
I know that isn't true (at least, he told me it wasn't, and I choose to believe him over my own, self-destructive subconscious), but it got to me all the same. As the days and months drag on, I think more and more about how utterly unlikely it is I will ever have a family.
As a kid growing up, I knew that all I wanted was to be happily married with a kid or two. That's it. That's all I ever wanted. That's what I imagined my life would be, and I believed that would make me happy, like I would accomplish my goal and cross the finish line if I had just those two simple things.
I'm infertile, and very much alone. This is the summary of the thoughts that have been rattling around in this brain of mine. I'm no longer in a happy long-term relationship (or any relationship, for that matter), and the likelihood of one day having a family has dropped considerably (if that were possible) as a result.
I've grown to be quite bitter; I've been snapping at people more for the smallest things. I don't like the person I've been turning into... But it's so painfully hard to be upbeat and positive when you think that your life's goal is unachievable and that as a result have no direction or meaning for existence.
I sometimes daydream about what I'd say or do if Nick ever asked for me back. I like to imagine I'd have a backbone and be able to tell him off for breaking my heart so thoroughly... But the truth is I miss him...
It's been four months, and I still love him. I probably always will.
There has been one person who has managed to distract me from that thought (albeit briefly and sporadically), but that has as likely a positive outcome as the thought of me and Nick, I'm afraid. I, by no means, love him; it's a crush, and I know this. And even if, in some freak parallel universe, something were to develop between the two of us, I'd probably be too fucked up to pursue it any further anyways. I suppose that's one positive; at least I know it'll never have to come to that. Even still, knowing that the first interest I've had post-Nick is doomed to fail seems to be a bad omen.
There is more I would like to write about the shit-fest that is my life at the moment, but I'd rather not say just yet. I've only told two people thus far, and would rather keep it that way until I know more. Yes it's about me, and yes it has the potential to be quite serious - which is exactly why I'm keeping it quiet until I get all the facts. But, I had to say SOMETHING, because I cry just thinking about it...
I should really stop "forgetting" to take my meds. =/
(I took it after writing that sentence, so don't fret.)
Last night (well, the night of the 3rd-4th, anyways), I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a while. The night before that I had a dream Nick told me that the real reason he left was because he wanted to be a father one day, and knew that wouldn't happen if he were to stay with me.
I know that isn't true (at least, he told me it wasn't, and I choose to believe him over my own, self-destructive subconscious), but it got to me all the same. As the days and months drag on, I think more and more about how utterly unlikely it is I will ever have a family.
As a kid growing up, I knew that all I wanted was to be happily married with a kid or two. That's it. That's all I ever wanted. That's what I imagined my life would be, and I believed that would make me happy, like I would accomplish my goal and cross the finish line if I had just those two simple things.
I'm infertile, and very much alone. This is the summary of the thoughts that have been rattling around in this brain of mine. I'm no longer in a happy long-term relationship (or any relationship, for that matter), and the likelihood of one day having a family has dropped considerably (if that were possible) as a result.
I've grown to be quite bitter; I've been snapping at people more for the smallest things. I don't like the person I've been turning into... But it's so painfully hard to be upbeat and positive when you think that your life's goal is unachievable and that as a result have no direction or meaning for existence.
I sometimes daydream about what I'd say or do if Nick ever asked for me back. I like to imagine I'd have a backbone and be able to tell him off for breaking my heart so thoroughly... But the truth is I miss him...
It's been four months, and I still love him. I probably always will.
There has been one person who has managed to distract me from that thought (albeit briefly and sporadically), but that has as likely a positive outcome as the thought of me and Nick, I'm afraid. I, by no means, love him; it's a crush, and I know this. And even if, in some freak parallel universe, something were to develop between the two of us, I'd probably be too fucked up to pursue it any further anyways. I suppose that's one positive; at least I know it'll never have to come to that. Even still, knowing that the first interest I've had post-Nick is doomed to fail seems to be a bad omen.
There is more I would like to write about the shit-fest that is my life at the moment, but I'd rather not say just yet. I've only told two people thus far, and would rather keep it that way until I know more. Yes it's about me, and yes it has the potential to be quite serious - which is exactly why I'm keeping it quiet until I get all the facts. But, I had to say SOMETHING, because I cry just thinking about it...