The truth hurts far more then you believe...
My mother and I went out. namely because she was going to use me to get more of the Clartion D since they limit how much a person can buy at one time [everyone but my dad needs it so we USE a lot of it XD] but like a moron I left my purse on the table >_< I put it there to make sure I didn't forget!!!! *head desk*
But some part of the day during our errands, after the trip into A.C. Moore:
"Do you ever miss your grandmother?"
"Hen or your mother?"
"My mother."
After a short pause. "I can honestly say no."
"I don't blame you."
To let you in, my grandmother is still alive but for a period of time she lived down here down the road to us. She was a horrible, horrible woman. She lied and mistreated myself and my mother. She was nice to my father for the sake she feared that if she wasn't he stop being willing to fix things for her. She made my life a living hell.
I made the mistake of bringing up one of the last "parting gifts" from my grandmother.
For graduation, my grandmother and I sat down and talked. I told her that there was a very limited amount of seating for disabled persons, and I could not promise she would get one nor a seat on the bottom of the bleachers. Her and I came to the agreement that she would not go since there was no way she could climb the bleachers for a seat if none was open.
Around that time, my mother had just gotten out of the hospital much too early but that is another story and was still very sick and out of it and highly drugged up. It got to her that I did not invite her but gave tickets to some friends. She was LIVID.
While I was waiting in the car for my father to come out so we could go, she came out and screamed at me "You are a worthless and horrible child who is utterly selfish and self center. You never are going to amount to anything of worth in your life! I hope that you are happy." then slammed the car door in my face.
Mind you....that is not what she really said...just the nice way of putting. I could and will NEVER repeat what she really said.
What she said almost caused me not to walk on my graduation day. it took twenty minutes and several people [3 teachers, Spunky and a few other students] to convince me that I needed to walk.
But during this time.... I was on the edge. For the last few months of my high school years, I was so ready to just kill myself to end my suffering.
-The end of high school and no plans of the future
-My mother sitting in the hospital with barely a 40% chance of living
-High school [I did not have it good in high school]
-Having to deal with my grandmother alone....basically everyday I was being told "You're worthless." "You can't do anything right." "You're a horrible child." [there is a side story about that one] "You're not even good enough to find a good husband and have kids." etc...
I was on the edge of the cliff basically...and what my mother said made that edge crumble from under me and I was holding on for dear life and losing my grip even though my nails were dug in deep as I dangled. If it was not for Spunky... I would had killed myself that very night.
The thing about me...I don't go and tell people when things are bad. I keep it bottled up in me and let it fester. Spunky knows when that is happening and though she never asks what wrong, she helps make it go away.
But the thing is. I learned to forgive my mother for what she said. I know that she was not in the right of mind and was drugged up, and that she wouldn't say such things any other time. I keep it to myself because I do not want her to feel horrible about it. I don't want her to try to make it up to me when I forgave her.
But back today. My mother got pissed because I would not say what she said years ago. She said "YOu create more drama by not saying it! To me that sounds like you don't want to say because you build up so much drama about it and in the end it won't add up to the drama!" ee;; Drama to you.....the thing that caused me to decide to die that very night if it was not for my best friend.
Does that sound like drama? To each their own meaning.
But some part of the day during our errands, after the trip into A.C. Moore:
"Do you ever miss your grandmother?"
"Hen or your mother?"
"My mother."
After a short pause. "I can honestly say no."
"I don't blame you."
To let you in, my grandmother is still alive but for a period of time she lived down here down the road to us. She was a horrible, horrible woman. She lied and mistreated myself and my mother. She was nice to my father for the sake she feared that if she wasn't he stop being willing to fix things for her. She made my life a living hell.
I made the mistake of bringing up one of the last "parting gifts" from my grandmother.
For graduation, my grandmother and I sat down and talked. I told her that there was a very limited amount of seating for disabled persons, and I could not promise she would get one nor a seat on the bottom of the bleachers. Her and I came to the agreement that she would not go since there was no way she could climb the bleachers for a seat if none was open.
Around that time, my mother had just gotten out of the hospital much too early but that is another story and was still very sick and out of it and highly drugged up. It got to her that I did not invite her but gave tickets to some friends. She was LIVID.
While I was waiting in the car for my father to come out so we could go, she came out and screamed at me "You are a worthless and horrible child who is utterly selfish and self center. You never are going to amount to anything of worth in your life! I hope that you are happy." then slammed the car door in my face.
Mind you....that is not what she really said...just the nice way of putting. I could and will NEVER repeat what she really said.
What she said almost caused me not to walk on my graduation day. it took twenty minutes and several people [3 teachers, Spunky and a few other students] to convince me that I needed to walk.
But during this time.... I was on the edge. For the last few months of my high school years, I was so ready to just kill myself to end my suffering.
-The end of high school and no plans of the future
-My mother sitting in the hospital with barely a 40% chance of living
-High school [I did not have it good in high school]
-Having to deal with my grandmother alone....basically everyday I was being told "You're worthless." "You can't do anything right." "You're a horrible child." [there is a side story about that one] "You're not even good enough to find a good husband and have kids." etc...
I was on the edge of the cliff basically...and what my mother said made that edge crumble from under me and I was holding on for dear life and losing my grip even though my nails were dug in deep as I dangled. If it was not for Spunky... I would had killed myself that very night.
The thing about me...I don't go and tell people when things are bad. I keep it bottled up in me and let it fester. Spunky knows when that is happening and though she never asks what wrong, she helps make it go away.
But the thing is. I learned to forgive my mother for what she said. I know that she was not in the right of mind and was drugged up, and that she wouldn't say such things any other time. I keep it to myself because I do not want her to feel horrible about it. I don't want her to try to make it up to me when I forgave her.
But back today. My mother got pissed because I would not say what she said years ago. She said "YOu create more drama by not saying it! To me that sounds like you don't want to say because you build up so much drama about it and in the end it won't add up to the drama!" ee;; Drama to you.....the thing that caused me to decide to die that very night if it was not for my best friend.
Does that sound like drama? To each their own meaning.