What is.
It's a really difficult thing wanting to be social but not liking people. I realized a while back that I fit in a unique category of person and I am not sure how to find people of that same category. I am too weird to be normal and too normal to be weird. I am too sophisticated to be a dullard and too much of a dullard to be truly sophisticated. I guess in a way I could be termed truly average if the category of average could be used to describe what I am. It makes it difficult to find people that are like minded. Either I think that they are way too alternative for me to comfortably have a relationship with them or I am too strange for them because they are supremely normal. If they are sophisticated and I say something outlandish, they are put off by it. If they are too dull, I get bored and have to explain things that I say. I don't even want a plethora of friends. I just want one good friend that gets me and doesn't say things to put me down and enjoys talking to me and can handle my degree of honesty which I have found most people often find off-putting. Political correctness is more important than honesty and most times I can't control my honesty. I used to get jealous when I would be on Facebook and would see my friends talking about or taking pictures with and out doing things with their BFFs. I don't even have a BFF. Part of why I left Facebook was because it just made me sad to think that I don't even have that one person I can call my BFF. I also left because I realized that most of the people on there didn't care about me and I didn't even think similarly to other people on there. They are all the types that think they are free thinkers and have open minds but when presented with a counter argument they are just angry and hateful and think that the counter argument is just brought up by a hateful person and I can't stand people that can't look at something from another angle and are only free thinking towards people that think like them. My husband always tries to act like he is so alone and doesn't have anyone. Then he gets on his video games late at night and talks to and plays with people. I don't have ANYONE I can talk to mostly regularly. I talk to my kids. That's it. I don't talk to any other adults probably for the reasons listed above. I don't even know how to go about finding someone to talk to. I am just so desperate for someone that cares about me and wants to talk to me. I haven't had that in such a long time. The only time anyone pays me that kind of mind is if they want to make lewd comments at me and sexual innuendos and I don't want that. I don't know. Maybe there is just something wrong with me. It's probably my inability to keep up a dialogue with someone, but I guess I haven't had anyone that just... well I don't really know the word to use... I want to say that was magic. Someone that gave me that feeling of wanting to talk to them when they aren't around. Being excited to talk to them when I next had the chance. Maybe I am just old and not capable of that kind of feeling anymore so I may have already had it and didn't even realize it.
I had other stuff I wanted to rant about but after getting that out, I just feel kinda' depressed. Like I don't even want to write about what makes me angry, but then there is a whole long list of that... like, I realized that while other people have popped in and out of my life and haven't taken a care for me, I am always there for those people. I was thinking back to when I was in middle school and I realized that while I was living with my grandma, I don't even remember ever really seeing my mom. Of course the reason that I was living with my grandma in the first place was because my mom told me to since I had made my stepdad mad. That's where it all stemmed from. My mom always taking my stepdad's side over me. Now that he is out of the picture, I hear from her more. So it's like... she didn't have the time for me, didn't care about me, until she is hurt by him and he doesn't want her anymore, then suddenly she wants back in my life? My dad. He isn't talking to me anymore because he doesn't like that I have four kids. When I was growing up, I saw him maybe once a month if I was lucky. Typically it was once every couple of months and I don't even remember ever talking to him on the phone so I know that wasn't a regular occurrence. Then, when he is struggling with a place to live and going through issues with a woman he was seeing, who opened her door and let him crash on her couch? Me. I wrote to him all the time while he was in prison too and when he didn't have anything and I did, I sent him things that he needed. But when I need him? He deserts me and now doesn't want to talk to me at all. But who will be there for him again when he needs her? Who will take care of him when he's an old man and can't take care of himself? Me of course. And it just infuriates me how I will still be there for people who could care less about me. Admittedly, I want to do things out of spite towards people that make me mad all the time, but those things would ultimately reflect back at someone that I don't want to hurt. Like the fact that my husband will jump on a video game when I am trying to sleep because he expects that I will put the kids to bed. I want to just let the kids stay up and not kiss them goodnight or anything, but who does that hurt in the end? The kids. So I have to not sleep and I have to get up and take care of them because their father is like a child himself and can't do anything without someone telling him to because he expects other people to take care of things that need to be taken care of if they are there. Supposedly he would do things without being asked if no one was around, but we'll never know that, will we?
I am so tired of life. It's such a pointless struggle to what end?
I had other stuff I wanted to rant about but after getting that out, I just feel kinda' depressed. Like I don't even want to write about what makes me angry, but then there is a whole long list of that... like, I realized that while other people have popped in and out of my life and haven't taken a care for me, I am always there for those people. I was thinking back to when I was in middle school and I realized that while I was living with my grandma, I don't even remember ever really seeing my mom. Of course the reason that I was living with my grandma in the first place was because my mom told me to since I had made my stepdad mad. That's where it all stemmed from. My mom always taking my stepdad's side over me. Now that he is out of the picture, I hear from her more. So it's like... she didn't have the time for me, didn't care about me, until she is hurt by him and he doesn't want her anymore, then suddenly she wants back in my life? My dad. He isn't talking to me anymore because he doesn't like that I have four kids. When I was growing up, I saw him maybe once a month if I was lucky. Typically it was once every couple of months and I don't even remember ever talking to him on the phone so I know that wasn't a regular occurrence. Then, when he is struggling with a place to live and going through issues with a woman he was seeing, who opened her door and let him crash on her couch? Me. I wrote to him all the time while he was in prison too and when he didn't have anything and I did, I sent him things that he needed. But when I need him? He deserts me and now doesn't want to talk to me at all. But who will be there for him again when he needs her? Who will take care of him when he's an old man and can't take care of himself? Me of course. And it just infuriates me how I will still be there for people who could care less about me. Admittedly, I want to do things out of spite towards people that make me mad all the time, but those things would ultimately reflect back at someone that I don't want to hurt. Like the fact that my husband will jump on a video game when I am trying to sleep because he expects that I will put the kids to bed. I want to just let the kids stay up and not kiss them goodnight or anything, but who does that hurt in the end? The kids. So I have to not sleep and I have to get up and take care of them because their father is like a child himself and can't do anything without someone telling him to because he expects other people to take care of things that need to be taken care of if they are there. Supposedly he would do things without being asked if no one was around, but we'll never know that, will we?
I am so tired of life. It's such a pointless struggle to what end?