(no subject)
My family in Maine is falling apart. I talked to both my mother and sister on the phone tonight, and my father, and my sister's boyfriend, and my mom's friend who had to rescue her from the bar. This is ridiculous.
They call me up tonight to beg me to come home and be mother to them some more. Funny to hear them admitting it. We NEED you. We don't know how we are supposed to live our lives. No one else will do. It isn't the same as having you. Always I have been the parent. From as early as I could remember my mother played the role of a child. Now she cries and bellows because the man she trusted betrayed her. SO? fucking suck it up. You can't take it back or change the past. The only thing you can do is be strong and supportive for your daughter. After all, it was her that was molested for years. Instead she cries like a baby, and walks two miles to the bar so that she can get good and liquored up like the little brat she has always been. Meanwhile my sister is at home crying hysterically because she thinks our mother is going to kill herself. My mother so wrapped in her own guilt she actually threw the telephone at my sister tonight hitting her in the face.
So they want me to drive to Maine this very second, and tell them everything is going to be fine. I am not doing it. I am not going to drive up there and put myself in debt missing work and paychecks to cater to their tears. My sister can come live with me here whenever she wants to, and if my mother wants to spend some decent time with me she can quit drinking and get her head together. These are the choices. There is no whining and crying on the phone that is going to change that. Yes, I love them all dearly. Occasionally, I have to say NO, you need to find your own strength. They are so often like leeches. I give so much to them, and they are never a comfort to me. They have never helped me or been there for me when I needed someone. They may think they have, but they haven't. I've never confided in them, or been open with my feelings. Maybe once and awhile I try, and for the most part I am ignored.
Marie, has always been there for me and Arian too. The majority of my years I spent buying comfort off with sexual favors from people around me. There has only been the one true friendship with Marie that I never had to bargain for. She met me at my worst and still liked me. Even when Arian had abandoned me, I had her.
I am happy now and here. I like reading. Why can't they just let me be alone and read?
They call me up tonight to beg me to come home and be mother to them some more. Funny to hear them admitting it. We NEED you. We don't know how we are supposed to live our lives. No one else will do. It isn't the same as having you. Always I have been the parent. From as early as I could remember my mother played the role of a child. Now she cries and bellows because the man she trusted betrayed her. SO? fucking suck it up. You can't take it back or change the past. The only thing you can do is be strong and supportive for your daughter. After all, it was her that was molested for years. Instead she cries like a baby, and walks two miles to the bar so that she can get good and liquored up like the little brat she has always been. Meanwhile my sister is at home crying hysterically because she thinks our mother is going to kill herself. My mother so wrapped in her own guilt she actually threw the telephone at my sister tonight hitting her in the face.
So they want me to drive to Maine this very second, and tell them everything is going to be fine. I am not doing it. I am not going to drive up there and put myself in debt missing work and paychecks to cater to their tears. My sister can come live with me here whenever she wants to, and if my mother wants to spend some decent time with me she can quit drinking and get her head together. These are the choices. There is no whining and crying on the phone that is going to change that. Yes, I love them all dearly. Occasionally, I have to say NO, you need to find your own strength. They are so often like leeches. I give so much to them, and they are never a comfort to me. They have never helped me or been there for me when I needed someone. They may think they have, but they haven't. I've never confided in them, or been open with my feelings. Maybe once and awhile I try, and for the most part I am ignored.
Marie, has always been there for me and Arian too. The majority of my years I spent buying comfort off with sexual favors from people around me. There has only been the one true friendship with Marie that I never had to bargain for. She met me at my worst and still liked me. Even when Arian had abandoned me, I had her.
I am happy now and here. I like reading. Why can't they just let me be alone and read?