Fire
It's always amazing that when I most need to sleep, is the time when I cannot. Furthermore, I realize things in the darkness of my room at night.
I have often been compared to fire. Aries is a fire sign; I have a fiery disposition, and I am passionate. I change between hot and cold, I've realized, but it's better to say that my fire grows or fades, based on the fuel at hand.
That is the key thing. Fuel.
Fire cannot distinguish friend from foe, good from bad; it burns everything equally. And while that is beautifully cleansing, it is also destructive.
For, you see, fire desires its fuel most of all. When fire desires something, it immediately seeks to destroy it; it has no regard, no other options. It can dwindle, and die away from the longing, or it can surge forth and destroy the very thing it wants to hold.
I'm like that with friendships, relationships, people. I remember in highschool when I spent a week purposefully ignoring some of my friends... It's like, I have this desire to destroy what I cannot have, to smash what I desire, to annihilate the very things that I enjoy so much. Books, art, all of those things, I end up seeking to destroy them in some way, shape, or form.
And it's only when I am destroying things that I feel good, and right. A flame without fuel is just dying embers... To feel alive, to really feel anything, I have to burn. To feel sorrow, closeness, love, loss, and all of that, I have to be destructive in some way.
Some things are ever-burning fuel. Some people can accept this fire, and allow me to burn on. But those are the exceptions, and as always, the problem is with myself.
With this in my mind, what is my resolution now? To burn no more? That's foolish, and impossible - sooner could I stop the stars from shining, the birds from flying, or the fish from swimming. Sooner could I change the color of my skin and hair, sooner could I change the blood in my veins than could I change the heart which beats in my chest.
So, what do I do?
Move forward, as always. And keep the promises I can; even when I swear to the unworthy, the hurtful, or especially to those who I burn away, I try to keep the promises that are possible for me to do so... So, I have a movie to rent tomorrow, one I never wanted to see before, one I hated the thought of. Cause I promised, I shall, and that's all I can do.
It too might be fuel for the flames, or it might knock me back to embers, but it's still a promise.
I have often been compared to fire. Aries is a fire sign; I have a fiery disposition, and I am passionate. I change between hot and cold, I've realized, but it's better to say that my fire grows or fades, based on the fuel at hand.
That is the key thing. Fuel.
Fire cannot distinguish friend from foe, good from bad; it burns everything equally. And while that is beautifully cleansing, it is also destructive.
For, you see, fire desires its fuel most of all. When fire desires something, it immediately seeks to destroy it; it has no regard, no other options. It can dwindle, and die away from the longing, or it can surge forth and destroy the very thing it wants to hold.
I'm like that with friendships, relationships, people. I remember in highschool when I spent a week purposefully ignoring some of my friends... It's like, I have this desire to destroy what I cannot have, to smash what I desire, to annihilate the very things that I enjoy so much. Books, art, all of those things, I end up seeking to destroy them in some way, shape, or form.
And it's only when I am destroying things that I feel good, and right. A flame without fuel is just dying embers... To feel alive, to really feel anything, I have to burn. To feel sorrow, closeness, love, loss, and all of that, I have to be destructive in some way.
Some things are ever-burning fuel. Some people can accept this fire, and allow me to burn on. But those are the exceptions, and as always, the problem is with myself.
With this in my mind, what is my resolution now? To burn no more? That's foolish, and impossible - sooner could I stop the stars from shining, the birds from flying, or the fish from swimming. Sooner could I change the color of my skin and hair, sooner could I change the blood in my veins than could I change the heart which beats in my chest.
So, what do I do?
Move forward, as always. And keep the promises I can; even when I swear to the unworthy, the hurtful, or especially to those who I burn away, I try to keep the promises that are possible for me to do so... So, I have a movie to rent tomorrow, one I never wanted to see before, one I hated the thought of. Cause I promised, I shall, and that's all I can do.
It too might be fuel for the flames, or it might knock me back to embers, but it's still a promise.