Thinking too much???

Jun 23, 2007 22:25


I spoke to so and so on friday and she asked me why I never showed up to meet her on monday and why it took me three days to call her back. I actually found myself telling the truth for like the first time ever and you know what??!?! she didn't get pissed at me!! phew!
Ive been at this place  for one year and I started out with so and so and a month later I ended up with so and so. I didn't think I would make it without the former and I didn't think I would make it with the latter. You know it feels good to have someone be there on a consistent basis and for that I am truly greatful.

It has been sort of hard for the past few days but I think it's ok to have a rough few days every now and then. I don't know how to quite explain it but at least every day is not a struggle anymore.  I'm figuring out that it's ok to be alone because in the end that's all that is left. I know that sounds all sad and weird, but to me it's soothing and certain.  I am getting used to the idea of there being nothingness when death arrives it just feels right...... right now.

I do my best work at night when it's quiet and I don't have to think about anything/anyone else. When there is nothing going on. Woah. Shut in much? No, I have friends and right now, they are perfect. I am also not going to allow myself to fall for anyone again, who am I kidding? what a joke. Relationships  with men are a silly thing aren't they? I mean, as women, what are we trying to prove to them? I guess I was trying to prove that I was more than just my boobs that maybe I have a brain and some motherfucking feelings.  That's laughable isn't it? I'm done with trying to prove anything.  And that's the last of it.

I want to work on what's important and hopefully I can get stuff done without any more distractions.

off to the drawing board!

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