(no subject)
Every morning I open my eyes and the light is shining through my windows so bright and it is painful. I always try to shut them tight and go back to sleep but the sunshine is so freaking bright. This is always about 6:25. So until about 8 o'clock I roll around in bed and think to myself you can do it today. You can get up. There is a reason for you to get up, you just don't know it yet.
During my last few years of college it was always hard for me to get up. I would often stay in bed and hide under the covers.
Those days I was living on Jewel street in the basement and then soon after that I was living in a studio apartment basement... it was always really dark and cramped. I would often ditch class and watch shitty soap operas and just watch shit pile up. Books, notebooks, clothes, magazines. My god I was a human pile. Sometimes I still feel that way. I was really depressed and now that I think about it I don't remember much about the times when I was really depressed. I do remember hiding in the bathroom for hours and bawling my eyes out. Those were really bad times. Even when I was out of the hospital it still felt sort of bad. Life moved in slow motion but the difference between bad and sort of bad was that there was the inkling of something sweet to come.
I don't know what happened between now and then and I certainly don't think I woke up one day and felt better.... There was healing in small increments. Sometimes I even took steps backwards. It is hard to say why I was so angry maybe it was because I was so afraid that I would fail. I can hardly believe what a bitch I was to other people and wow I feel embarrassed for being one.
Sometimes it is still really hard to get up in the morning even when the sun is tearing straight through my eyelids. Recently it has gotten to be really hot in the mornings and staying in bed has become more difficult. This stupid sun is keeping me alive but that I don't mind.
During my last few years of college it was always hard for me to get up. I would often stay in bed and hide under the covers.
Those days I was living on Jewel street in the basement and then soon after that I was living in a studio apartment basement... it was always really dark and cramped. I would often ditch class and watch shitty soap operas and just watch shit pile up. Books, notebooks, clothes, magazines. My god I was a human pile. Sometimes I still feel that way. I was really depressed and now that I think about it I don't remember much about the times when I was really depressed. I do remember hiding in the bathroom for hours and bawling my eyes out. Those were really bad times. Even when I was out of the hospital it still felt sort of bad. Life moved in slow motion but the difference between bad and sort of bad was that there was the inkling of something sweet to come.
I don't know what happened between now and then and I certainly don't think I woke up one day and felt better.... There was healing in small increments. Sometimes I even took steps backwards. It is hard to say why I was so angry maybe it was because I was so afraid that I would fail. I can hardly believe what a bitch I was to other people and wow I feel embarrassed for being one.
Sometimes it is still really hard to get up in the morning even when the sun is tearing straight through my eyelids. Recently it has gotten to be really hot in the mornings and staying in bed has become more difficult. This stupid sun is keeping me alive but that I don't mind.