(no subject)
So ALOT has happened since my last update:
I was initiated into the Sigmas as a new member. The more I learn about the sorority, the more I like it and the ideals it stands for.
Last week, I went to visit a friend who was supposed to be someone I could trust. I was proven wrong. I've made alot of bad decisions in my life. I was very relaxed in some areas of life that I shouldn't have been. So when I make a decision to change something for the better, I would hope that the people around me would understand and support it. But I think it's really shitty when somone continuously tries to pressure me into going back on my decision. I don't think I should have to defend myself, but I did. I explained that I had made the decision before mom passed away, but it was carried on as a result of that too. I know that my mom wouldn't be proud of some of the decisions I've made in the past, and I'm not about to make anymore bad ones while she's watching. So when I'm told that "it seems like I pin an awful lot on my mom" I get pretty pissed. The person that said this has no idea what it's like to go through what I did back in March. So I don't think he has any right to criticize how it changed my life.
Then Friday was the social with the Phi Kaps and the Sigmas. VERY FUN! I did pretty good at bowling. Althought I'm the biggest dork and took my own bowling ball and shoes, but that's just how I roll. After the social, some of us hung out, had some beer, or alot of beer! YAY for completeing pledge tasks! But boo to finding out that certain people are lip whores!
Drama continues around school. By staying at home most of the time, I tend to avoid it, although it does seem to be thrown in my face alot. Yesterday at church Jason turned around and hugged me. So, yeah, remember that thing about being over it, not quite. I think I realized it when I started crying as soon as he wasn't looking. I don't get how I can still have feelings for people that hurt me so bad. I don't even get how I'm ok with being friends with Shawn after everything we did to each other. He still isn't all that honest with me. It took me numerous hours to get it out of him how many girls he's slept with since the divorce. This, of course, came after he told me he might love me again. None of this really helps the anxiety. But another thing that doesn't help is the fact that no one is being real understanding about it. In fact, some people have been pretty bitchy about it. Oh well, I'll get over it, somehow.
So for now, I will remain lonely. I just need to find someone who respects my decisions and has a passion for me just like I do for them. I need someone who can look me in the eye and tell me how they feel about me. Somehow and somewhere, I'll find him.