polite conversation
On Thursday we went to dinner at a friend's house. I was happy to go, as I was able to see a mutual friend and to meet her mother. The mother is in her 80s, and I was told that she has lived a very interesting life. I looked forward to talking with her, and wondered what the conversation would bring.
Silly me! I forgot that I have a tendency to bring out the crazy in people. She ended up asking me about religion, one of my least favorite topics. She told me that she had tried five different churches since arriving here, and had finally found one that was a good fit. She said that a Sunday without church just felt wrong. Then she asked me where we attended. As always, when faced with this question, I panicked and gave a flustered answer. I told her that we do not attend services because we are not a religious family. This is a true answer, but not a good one, as it opens the door to more discussion.
Sure enough, she did not let the subject drop. She needed to know what my parents were (not religious) and what
Zanla’s parent’s were (non-attending Christians) and whether I had ever had any religious training. It was somewhere in the middle of all of this that she made the comment about my family raising me as a sinner. I told her that my father’s family was some version of Christian and that my mother’s family was Jewish, and if I am forced to declare a religion, I am Jewish. She asked me to clarify, and I explained that the Jewish culture is a matriarchal one, and that if your mother is a Jew, you are a Jew, no matter what religion you actually practice. So though I practice no religion, I am forever a Jew. I also explained that of all of the religions I’ve observed, Judaism is the one that makes the most sense to me. I also explained that I had, indeed, gone through religious training as a Jew, and that after two years of study I had walked away from the Temple and from all other forms of worship.
When she asked me about my relationship with God I explained that I walk out of my front door every day, take a look around, and am thankful for all that I see and all that I can do. She scowled and asked about prayer. Eventually during this seemingly endless conversation, the woman’s daughter came to my rescue and told her it was time to leave.
Her response to all of this did not shock or offend me, but it will stay in my mind for some time. I really don’t enjoy discussing religion with people. I am not confused in the least about my feelings, but I have a difficult time expressing myself while trying not to offend. My general opinion of all religions is pretty low, but I would never try to shake a person’s faith, and I would never question anyone on their system of belief. What baffles me is that so many people don’t think this way, and that this is a conversation I’ve had many times throughout my life. What is it about me which makes people question my concept of a “higher being”?
More importantly, is there a simple way out of this conversation? My honest response to her comment about Sunday not being Sunday without church was that Sunday is not Sunday for me without pancakes and sausage (that would be me, the bad Jew!). When she said I was a sinner, I immediately thought, “I prefer Pagan”. Neither of these comments made it through my lips, the first because I did not want to offend her, the second because I did not want to offend Pagans. I see no way to simply say, “Drop it!” and have people like this woman listen. I’ve tried so many ways out of this conversation, and I get stuck every time.
For the record, I am what I am, and I really don’t care what you are. I celebrate Christmas because the trees are pretty and my family gets the day off to spend together. If you ask me what my most important holiday is, I will respond “Half Price Candy Day”, which happens a few times throughout the year (February, April, November, and December). I thought long and hard about declaring myself Jewish, and only did so after creating my own religion based on Winnie The Pooh when I was young (It turned out I was reinventing The Tao, and sure enough some guy came along at about the same time and published a book about the similarities. I received no credit for the book.) I think Jesus was probably a pretty good rabbi, and I wish more of his “followers” would pay attention to the things he said. And I’m pretty sure that my child will grow up with a bunch of questions that I won’t be able to answer, but that I’ll gladly help him explore.
So any thoughts about a good way out of this the next time it happens? A friend of mine tells people he is "antagonostic", which I love, but will create a new discussion. I’m looking for a word or phrase that will help me stop the conversation before it begins. Anything?
Silly me! I forgot that I have a tendency to bring out the crazy in people. She ended up asking me about religion, one of my least favorite topics. She told me that she had tried five different churches since arriving here, and had finally found one that was a good fit. She said that a Sunday without church just felt wrong. Then she asked me where we attended. As always, when faced with this question, I panicked and gave a flustered answer. I told her that we do not attend services because we are not a religious family. This is a true answer, but not a good one, as it opens the door to more discussion.
Sure enough, she did not let the subject drop. She needed to know what my parents were (not religious) and what
Zanla’s parent’s were (non-attending Christians) and whether I had ever had any religious training. It was somewhere in the middle of all of this that she made the comment about my family raising me as a sinner. I told her that my father’s family was some version of Christian and that my mother’s family was Jewish, and if I am forced to declare a religion, I am Jewish. She asked me to clarify, and I explained that the Jewish culture is a matriarchal one, and that if your mother is a Jew, you are a Jew, no matter what religion you actually practice. So though I practice no religion, I am forever a Jew. I also explained that of all of the religions I’ve observed, Judaism is the one that makes the most sense to me. I also explained that I had, indeed, gone through religious training as a Jew, and that after two years of study I had walked away from the Temple and from all other forms of worship.
When she asked me about my relationship with God I explained that I walk out of my front door every day, take a look around, and am thankful for all that I see and all that I can do. She scowled and asked about prayer. Eventually during this seemingly endless conversation, the woman’s daughter came to my rescue and told her it was time to leave.
Her response to all of this did not shock or offend me, but it will stay in my mind for some time. I really don’t enjoy discussing religion with people. I am not confused in the least about my feelings, but I have a difficult time expressing myself while trying not to offend. My general opinion of all religions is pretty low, but I would never try to shake a person’s faith, and I would never question anyone on their system of belief. What baffles me is that so many people don’t think this way, and that this is a conversation I’ve had many times throughout my life. What is it about me which makes people question my concept of a “higher being”?
More importantly, is there a simple way out of this conversation? My honest response to her comment about Sunday not being Sunday without church was that Sunday is not Sunday for me without pancakes and sausage (that would be me, the bad Jew!). When she said I was a sinner, I immediately thought, “I prefer Pagan”. Neither of these comments made it through my lips, the first because I did not want to offend her, the second because I did not want to offend Pagans. I see no way to simply say, “Drop it!” and have people like this woman listen. I’ve tried so many ways out of this conversation, and I get stuck every time.
For the record, I am what I am, and I really don’t care what you are. I celebrate Christmas because the trees are pretty and my family gets the day off to spend together. If you ask me what my most important holiday is, I will respond “Half Price Candy Day”, which happens a few times throughout the year (February, April, November, and December). I thought long and hard about declaring myself Jewish, and only did so after creating my own religion based on Winnie The Pooh when I was young (It turned out I was reinventing The Tao, and sure enough some guy came along at about the same time and published a book about the similarities. I received no credit for the book.) I think Jesus was probably a pretty good rabbi, and I wish more of his “followers” would pay attention to the things he said. And I’m pretty sure that my child will grow up with a bunch of questions that I won’t be able to answer, but that I’ll gladly help him explore.
So any thoughts about a good way out of this the next time it happens? A friend of mine tells people he is "antagonostic", which I love, but will create a new discussion. I’m looking for a word or phrase that will help me stop the conversation before it begins. Anything?