college is a strange place
I found myself missing my family for the very first time this week. I think my visit to RPI to see Jason + stress from what seems to be neverending schoolwork and reading + 40 days and 40 nights of RAIN + plenty of other variables are responsible for my general homesickness. I don't even know if I'd call it homesickness because when I think of "home" i don't think of my house; I think of people and conversations and shared experiences and food and silly faces and embraces. I actually miss my dad which is a totally new feeling for me. I wish I knew him better. I haven't been homesick since my parents shipped me off to live with Grandma in Taiwan in 1992, and even then it was a different feeling of homesicknes because I was with a familiar person in a familiar place. I had seen Smith for all but a few hours before coming here permanently. Even my sheets and pillows and general bedthings are foreign. I bought them a week before moving here. I never imagined missing sweatshopping for my parents or manhandling bagels. The bagels here are mighty nasty.
I realized this week that my future is completely (or atleast mostly) dependent on me and no one else. I am responsible for myself, and I am not talking about dirty laundry or eating every meal but what I learn and how I learn and my major and my career and my life and what I choose to make of it. And that is terrifying. Petrifying. I have also been so immersed in my First Year Seminar (the one on the evolution and transformation of northampton state hospital) that I am damn near convinced that I might be mentally ill and someday I may end up homeless. Crystal, however, assured me that would not happen.
There are so many organizations to join, new things to try, foreign countries to explore, and fascinating people to meet that....I think I am overwhelmed. I wake up most mornings with the weight of all my fustrations on my chest and panicking to myself: What did i forget to do? What do I need to do today? How many more pages to read? What about me and jason? Is my piercing infected? I have to plan the Halloween party, dammit! and get dry ice! Africa is depressing and I feel so helpless about it. Is my sweatshirt made in a factory that pays their workers a living wage? Should I take micro-economics before macro? I'm going to be homeless.
And goddamit I'm in such a amazing place of learning!! My mom is the best person ever, even when I think she's not. I was all misty-eyed today when my roomate got back and she hugged me and it was pleasant. I hate crying infront my people, especially my parents. I had this huge lump in my throught when I was around them all yesterday and today. I think it might even be cancerous. I feel so silly crying but I can't help it. I'm eternally greatful for them making it possible for me to come here and the bagels my dad gave me and the painting my sister painted for me, and their general trust in me. I barely trust myself. It's so fucking difficult.
It's difficult when you go to a school where nearly everyone is so smart it blows you away and they have accomplished the most amazing exceptional things.
I did however get a 95 on my first essay on space and land development and my personal experience with it and a 100% on my south africa map quiz and my first chinese test/quiz/thingggg. Maybe I can be exceptional too. and not ever be homeless. besides, there are worse things.
Okay, I'm going to work on my second essay now. It's so open-ended. Basically, write about Augusten Burrough's Running With Scissors and discuss whether you think it is a memoir or a novel and it that even matters and basically whatever the fuck else comes to mind. I think I'm going to say that it doesn't matter because no one cares except the family that is suing the author. I think I'm going to compare the author/main character's chilhood with Dante's Divine Comedy, particularily Inferno. Everything sucks and is depressing but in the end, the message is uplifting and even inspiring.
Northampton State Hospital
bowling with jason and his cool friends who i have no photos of
he tells me he looks like Thing 1 and 2 and I agree
RPI makes you tough.
I think Smith has made me a less of a lesbian. "You like what you lack" (says Jason circa 2004).
I realized this week that my future is completely (or atleast mostly) dependent on me and no one else. I am responsible for myself, and I am not talking about dirty laundry or eating every meal but what I learn and how I learn and my major and my career and my life and what I choose to make of it. And that is terrifying. Petrifying. I have also been so immersed in my First Year Seminar (the one on the evolution and transformation of northampton state hospital) that I am damn near convinced that I might be mentally ill and someday I may end up homeless. Crystal, however, assured me that would not happen.
There are so many organizations to join, new things to try, foreign countries to explore, and fascinating people to meet that....I think I am overwhelmed. I wake up most mornings with the weight of all my fustrations on my chest and panicking to myself: What did i forget to do? What do I need to do today? How many more pages to read? What about me and jason? Is my piercing infected? I have to plan the Halloween party, dammit! and get dry ice! Africa is depressing and I feel so helpless about it. Is my sweatshirt made in a factory that pays their workers a living wage? Should I take micro-economics before macro? I'm going to be homeless.
And goddamit I'm in such a amazing place of learning!! My mom is the best person ever, even when I think she's not. I was all misty-eyed today when my roomate got back and she hugged me and it was pleasant. I hate crying infront my people, especially my parents. I had this huge lump in my throught when I was around them all yesterday and today. I think it might even be cancerous. I feel so silly crying but I can't help it. I'm eternally greatful for them making it possible for me to come here and the bagels my dad gave me and the painting my sister painted for me, and their general trust in me. I barely trust myself. It's so fucking difficult.
It's difficult when you go to a school where nearly everyone is so smart it blows you away and they have accomplished the most amazing exceptional things.
I did however get a 95 on my first essay on space and land development and my personal experience with it and a 100% on my south africa map quiz and my first chinese test/quiz/thingggg. Maybe I can be exceptional too. and not ever be homeless. besides, there are worse things.
Okay, I'm going to work on my second essay now. It's so open-ended. Basically, write about Augusten Burrough's Running With Scissors and discuss whether you think it is a memoir or a novel and it that even matters and basically whatever the fuck else comes to mind. I think I'm going to say that it doesn't matter because no one cares except the family that is suing the author. I think I'm going to compare the author/main character's chilhood with Dante's Divine Comedy, particularily Inferno. Everything sucks and is depressing but in the end, the message is uplifting and even inspiring.
Northampton State Hospital
bowling with jason and his cool friends who i have no photos of
he tells me he looks like Thing 1 and 2 and I agree
RPI makes you tough.
I think Smith has made me a less of a lesbian. "You like what you lack" (says Jason circa 2004).