nobdoy will read this. i don't care :)

[allyoop143]

hey so technically it is the last day of 2005 well yea cause its 2am i don't feel like sleeping thats stupid though i have work at 10 i won't be able to wake up blatt. but that also makes this the last journal entry and nobody cares but i don't care bc i don't care if nobody reads this because i need it for my own head n i should prob write this shit down in something more personal but i don't really care that much. this has been the most lifealtering year ever. i have easily had more life experience in say the last 6 months to a year than i have in my life altogether. a lot of things that i was convinced i would never do i did. and a lot of things i thought id never be ive become. ihave accomplished so many things and become so many things that i have always wanted to become. i have met some of the best people of my life and people who i know will always be there. i defined a lot of things for myself and defined my opinions and views. & for the first time i'm acutally willing to back them. it's good. i don't regret anything that has happened, ever. everything ive ever done has made me happy or hopeful or excited or satisfied for the time, and you can't live your life worrying about whats going to happen in the future bc i have convinced myself that wishing you had done something is a lot worse than just acting and facing whatever shit you get or feel. i guess i lied though. i regret one thing. and i promise it isn't what anyone thinks, no matter what you are thinking, thats not it. because i haven't told anyone, well except for three people. they know. and it will stay that way. lol its so ironic how i write about that now considering what was going on at this time last year. whatever nobody can probably even follow that. anyways. i haven't been able to conquer physical insecurities, sometimes i do for a ltitle while kinda, but that doesn't last long. i will really genuinely be at peace with myself if i can do that. beacuse i don't care what people think about what i say anymore. so i guess thats a goal for 2006. the other night i listened to death cab for cutie and thought about things and how fast life is and how fast a year is and how much is packed into a year and how much is going to happen in the next 12 months just like the last 12 months andi could, once again, be a completely different person i a completely different spot a year from now and i cried so much. i am so scared of change but i love it at the same time. im confusing myself. i have fallen in love with love. for the first time i have loved my friends, genuinely loved them with every part of me. and felt like i was surrounded by good people who i needed to be there. there is a big part of me though that isn't satisfied because of the lack of a boyfriend YES i know thats stupid and annoying and i should shut up and its not as great as it seems and its not a huge deal at all but until you have sat here and really been without you can't say that. and until you can dayyyyydream about it for hours you can't say that and you don't realize that it all ties back into my fucking insecurities and lacking that sort of affection sort of only feeds into insecurities you have about yourself cause you blame the insecurities for not being able to have that sort of thing okkkkkkkkk. thats another thing ive done this year. ive become a thinker i think about everything always i sit and i think about things and i analyze things and people and i can't wait to be a psychologist. its going to be awesome. i wonder though, i seriously can sit at my computer and listen to music and go through music and get it and listen to it and look it up and i am obsessed with music quotes and weird shit for hours i wonder if i coudl do that in my life. i don't know im so fucking weird. i love psychology though i love it love it i can't wait to go to nyu and live in the awesome city and be close enough to friends and family to come home whenever i want but at the same time far away to be independant and learn about psychology and wonderful. more short term goals i can't wait to start caring about my junior year of high school and start trying and earning more of hte grades that i need to get into nyu because i am going to get in and i can't wait to spend more time and make more of the best fucking memories with my best friends and write them all in a new journal a neater one a less annoying one hopefully and i can't wait to love someone love him like he is everything i can't wait to have a lot of money and i can't wait to DRIVE 2006 will be DRIVING and i can't wait to get a better job once i can drive a funner one and i can't wait to get my ears pierced and my haircut really soon acutally and i can't wait til segvst 06 and i can't wait to meet new people and see who i will become close to and i'm gonna be a fucking senior at the end of 2006 and applying to college holy shit and i cna't wait to take pictures holy shit i can't wait to take pictures im saving up to by a new camera and some polaroid film and i say it all the time that im gonna take pix and i never do but i mean it. yepyepyepy i do mean it. i love peach snapple and water the most an burts bees and brown eyeliner and segvst and my bset friends and pigs im obsessed with pigs i like pink nailpolish and writing notes to myself my cell phones a piece of shit but i love text messages i wear flip flops too much and capris in the winter i bite my nails and i can't stop listening to death cab for cutie life as a house still makes me cry no matter how many times i watch it i live on my computer its gross i work at king kullen i don't hate it but i work too long too much ive never had a boyfriend its sad i hate it ive had my heartbroken because i fall too hard to fast and i'm dumb i use my heart not my head my parents won't let me drive with my friends but i drive with them on a reuglar basis they are stupid they should just let me do things so i don't have to lie to them bc its safer if they know waht i'm doing i'm not straight edge and i don't like when people preech to me about decisions i wear a fucking cliche overworn white sudded belt almost everyday of my life and i fucking hate it but somehow i still like it no matter how gay i know it is and how much it is overworn and stands for a lot of shit i don't even listen to my friends tell me i have gross feet hahahaha and i want to get my nose pierced and a lot of spots on my ear that my mom won't let me i have a stupid christmas necklace on my computer since this time last year and it will stay there i save notes people give me i have a lot of them isleept with 2 pillows always my blakey is at krista mintos i miss it <3 i have crushes on several peple at the moment lolololololololol they are gay, and real, or just attractions. umm i hope i remember who they are so i can think about this and see how i get over all of those. the beginning of october was a really fucking fun time for me i liked it a lot so was the last night of summer that was incredible lol i hope summer 06 is crazy it iwll be no doubt lacrosse is coming up im scurred im out of shape i hate lacrosse i don't even know how to play it i wear a heart ring on my left middle finger ever day i love it i don't remember my dreams ever :( i crack every joint in my body by this time next year ill probably have arthritis the anticipations got me glued ayo let me know how that one ends up al um im losing my mind i wanna read the lovely bones and gossip girls second helpings is my favorite book it makes me cry over and over i started to like great expectations 2y ears after i read it phil & ms woods are the fucking man haha or woman i chew big red gum so much it burns by tongue its 235 am i can't stop i am a TERRIBLE driver my mom won't let me drive when shes in the car lol passanger seat makes me cry every time i listen to it its on my profile right now everyones gettign frekakkkin sidekicks i want one they are expensive if i got one id always be on aim even more than i am now if thats EVEN possible get it cause its not i spent my evening at starbucks nad 24 hour bagels? i felt ignored lol yea bc anybody will even read that i go to smithtown high school east there are no freakin seniors its gay i miss my friends at west northstar is my fav bad evah i just read the boyfriend list i do love my family i am very grateful bc i am lucky i take it for granted so much i don't know if im crying because im happy or because im sad right now i can't even think i want to take ap psych and adv photo next year if i don't ill kill myspace is disgusting and so popular and so addicting lol i love my stupdi white fuzzy jacket shit and my adidas sneakers even though id rather have nothing on my feet tomorrow i have the most random plans im kind of excited i shoudl have fun i hope im also going out to dinner with my fam tomorrow that should be sick idk whatever im a bitch to my family. oops i think that was my resolution this year. oops. im paranoid that everyone hate sme and no matter what that paranoia will never go away i have bad ankles i miss soccer season in every way possible this journal entry is obscenely long, and i don'tcare if you read it. ive been writing for fourty five minutes and my brain feels so good and i haven't even gotten much out. i love you 2005 no matter what shit you brought me. so much is going to unfold it 2006 and i sound like the biggest fgt but i dont' even give a shit. peace out i loveee ya.

oh ps, self, you've been listening to
death cab<333333333333333333
boys night out
jacks mannequin
panic at the disco gah
paramore
jamisonparker
kevin devine
saosin
chiodos
cartel!
nfg
the higher
the postal service

this shit changes on a daily basis thatll be fun to look at pc lata 2005