*sigh*
Okay...well I'm feeling a little better I talked to my parents and they're gonna help me out with some of my bills. Thank God! I've been so stressed out for the last week or so, but I'm feeling a little less stressed.
So yeah...I've been in a kind of weird mood lately. It's like I've lost a part of myself, but I can't quite figure out what it is. I used to be such a free sprit, now I find myself being more and more uptight. I know that it's part of growing up. I'm not acting that much like a child anymore. I constantly feel as though I'm being judged. I hate that feeling. Not by you guys, but by people in general. I know for the most part people aren't judging me, but I feel like I have a standard to meet, and for some reason I feel like that standard isn't being met. So I'm disappointed in myself for no specific reason, except for the fact that I feel like I'm not reaching a goal for myself, even when I don't know what that goal is.
I'm tired of being called stupid. I'm not stupid, I'll admit that I'm a flakey, but I am not stupid. I know a lot more then I'm given credit for.
I need to find a new job. Kohl's just isn't working out, which sucks because I really lie working there. It's a great place to work, and I've really learned a lot. I like the people there, and I'm really good at it. It's just the hours are insane and the pay isn't that great. I really wish that I could get better hours. I talked to my boss about it and he said he'd "see what he could do..." That was two weeks ago and nothings improved, and I've lost hours. I hate the fact that I might have to get done there because I really, really, really like working there. I'm good at retail, because my parents have been in retail forever and I've heard them talking about how it works, and how to get ahead. I'm sure if I stick with it then I'll start moving forward in the company, it's just that I'm not sure if want to be in retail forever because once you start moving up then you get comfortable. That's what happened with my Dad. He loved it at first, but now he's been doing it for 10 years and he hates going to work every day. Granted he's a manager and makes a lot of money, but still is, that paycheck worth unhappiness?
But then again who knows what the future holds. Maybe I'll still like it a year from now, maybe I wont. Maybe I'll be a different job, or maybe I'll be in the same place.
Trying to figure out the future never works.
It's amazing the way fate puts you in the right spot at the right time. I've learned to trust fate, living life by 'What if's' only make us feel crappy about ourselves. Or at least myself. I'm such a firm believer in fate that I should be out on the streets preaching it to strangers. Everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what the reason is.
I went to church the other night. I went because I wanted to reconnect with a part of me that I felt like I had lost. When I was younger church was such a huge part of my life. Since I had been feelin distant from myself I thought by going to the kind of church I grew up in would rekindle some of those feelings I used to have. But you know what? I didn't feel anyhting. I was really surprised, and at the same time relieved. I found myself looking around at the people, and thinking of how they reminded me of the people I went to church with.
But being relived made me realize that my beliefs that I hold now are genuine. That I wasn't easily swayed back to the past. That what I believe now is right for me, that when I was younger I was blinding following what my parents told me was true, because they were my parents and they were right when it comes to faith. As an adult now, I'm able to make that decision on my own. And in a way it's very liberating, and refreshing, knowing that my life is my own. :-)
Love you guys!
So yeah...I've been in a kind of weird mood lately. It's like I've lost a part of myself, but I can't quite figure out what it is. I used to be such a free sprit, now I find myself being more and more uptight. I know that it's part of growing up. I'm not acting that much like a child anymore. I constantly feel as though I'm being judged. I hate that feeling. Not by you guys, but by people in general. I know for the most part people aren't judging me, but I feel like I have a standard to meet, and for some reason I feel like that standard isn't being met. So I'm disappointed in myself for no specific reason, except for the fact that I feel like I'm not reaching a goal for myself, even when I don't know what that goal is.
I'm tired of being called stupid. I'm not stupid, I'll admit that I'm a flakey, but I am not stupid. I know a lot more then I'm given credit for.
I need to find a new job. Kohl's just isn't working out, which sucks because I really lie working there. It's a great place to work, and I've really learned a lot. I like the people there, and I'm really good at it. It's just the hours are insane and the pay isn't that great. I really wish that I could get better hours. I talked to my boss about it and he said he'd "see what he could do..." That was two weeks ago and nothings improved, and I've lost hours. I hate the fact that I might have to get done there because I really, really, really like working there. I'm good at retail, because my parents have been in retail forever and I've heard them talking about how it works, and how to get ahead. I'm sure if I stick with it then I'll start moving forward in the company, it's just that I'm not sure if want to be in retail forever because once you start moving up then you get comfortable. That's what happened with my Dad. He loved it at first, but now he's been doing it for 10 years and he hates going to work every day. Granted he's a manager and makes a lot of money, but still is, that paycheck worth unhappiness?
But then again who knows what the future holds. Maybe I'll still like it a year from now, maybe I wont. Maybe I'll be a different job, or maybe I'll be in the same place.
Trying to figure out the future never works.
It's amazing the way fate puts you in the right spot at the right time. I've learned to trust fate, living life by 'What if's' only make us feel crappy about ourselves. Or at least myself. I'm such a firm believer in fate that I should be out on the streets preaching it to strangers. Everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what the reason is.
I went to church the other night. I went because I wanted to reconnect with a part of me that I felt like I had lost. When I was younger church was such a huge part of my life. Since I had been feelin distant from myself I thought by going to the kind of church I grew up in would rekindle some of those feelings I used to have. But you know what? I didn't feel anyhting. I was really surprised, and at the same time relieved. I found myself looking around at the people, and thinking of how they reminded me of the people I went to church with.
But being relived made me realize that my beliefs that I hold now are genuine. That I wasn't easily swayed back to the past. That what I believe now is right for me, that when I was younger I was blinding following what my parents told me was true, because they were my parents and they were right when it comes to faith. As an adult now, I'm able to make that decision on my own. And in a way it's very liberating, and refreshing, knowing that my life is my own. :-)
Love you guys!