Green-Eyed Monster, Part 1
Green-Eyed Monster (Part 1)
**Allison**
Allison awoke around noon, hearing voices arguing, coming ever closer down the hall. Seconds later, the guest room door burst open.
“What!? Who is she, and why is she wearing your t-shirt?” the woman shrieked, as she pulled the comforter off the bed, exposing Allison’s bare legs to the cool air.
( Read more... )
**Allison**
Allison awoke around noon, hearing voices arguing, coming ever closer down the hall. Seconds later, the guest room door burst open.
“What!? Who is she, and why is she wearing your t-shirt?” the woman shrieked, as she pulled the comforter off the bed, exposing Allison’s bare legs to the cool air.
( Read more... )
Just a couple general things, seeing as how I don't know how detailed of a comment you want. ^_^
Unless this is going to be a fic based upon already known characters/people, you might want to work in a bit more character description. It was hard to visualize what was going on because I didn't know what they looked like. (Like, until you told me, I thought Allison was a brunette, its where my mind defaults to - but then later on you mention that she's a blonde, which was slightly jarring.)
Dialogue in the middle of a paragraph shouldn't be done, each new piece of speech is supposed to start a new paragraph. That is the one thing I remember from my English classes, clearly I am still working on punctuation. ;) (I took a creative writing class in College, the class kept telling me 'watch/add the commas!' in my critiques. *chuckles*)
You probably don't need Allison POV in this section, it only served to make Iris' POV repetitive.
she caught her breathe in a hiccup
no 'e' in breath... this coming from the chick who uses British spelling for most words, but still.
Don't assume that people know what a Caddy is. Taken out of context it could be a person who carries golf clubs. ;) Though, Im sure they drive Cadillac's too. Introduce Allisons' car as a Cadillac once, from then on use caddy to your hearts desire - heck, add some black 20" rims even. ;)
But all the stuff I've got to say is technical, which should never be worried about until you get the entire thing out. Flesh it all out, it has a strong foundation and seems to have a well thought out direction. You have my interest piqued. ^_^
Also, let me know if this was too much, or not enough.
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I've always written for the factual world (i.e. everybody knows what the product is), so character description is new to me. some of part 3, the back story, has the character descriptions; clearly I need to at least 'hint' at them up front.
Thanks for the pointer on dialogue; obviously, I've never done that either! lol
I guess more description of the sex vehicle, (oops! I mean car) would be helpful too ;) that's also in Part 3, so I'll import a little
Really - thanks for your comments, they are so helpful! And definitely not too much
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