Life is a pain in my ass and then some...
So lately I've been coping, but I'm definitely running up against feeling oppressed more than ever right now. Pretty much any time I get is limited to being my own, it's all tied up in being at work, soon to be school, and then our other house. So insight on that because not anyone really knows much about it. But my family has had two houses for going on 7 years now. 2 houses in the same town I've lived in for all 21 years of my life. Well we have been moved out of my childhood house for 7 years now and it has not been put on the market and sold, God only knows why, but fact is it hasn't. So a month ago we discover there has been an attempt to break into it, now our other house (the old one) has been vacant for 7 years and also has been attempted to be broken into once before many years ago when we first moved out of it. So due to that, we have to keep nightly watch over there, 2 people from our 4 person family have to sleep there a night, and there should always be at least one person and a car over there during the day, thus leaving no free time for anyone. I have no social life, no love life, no nothing really. I have one real life friend and I rarely see her because my issues and her issues, we're both dependents and can't drive. I can't hang out with university friends because I can't drive to be social with them and for them to drive me home is too much of a hassle since I live far. I can't go out a to a bar to find someone or even date easily because I can't drive and spread my wings.
On top of that I still cannot drive, and am still sitting on a learner's licence I've had since I was 16, which I've had to keep renewing every 2 years, which is just plain bloody pathetic. So now much of no one has time to teach me to drive either. But I think I can work my way on that, slowly, that's one thing I'm not as worried about is learning how to drive, since I do know how to do it mostly.
The real issues with me and driving are actually owning a car, which is 1k at least for something cheap which is what I'm looking for. So I can only buy a cheap car, which with that I have to worry about parts of it breaking which costs money to repair, and I also have to worry about money for the car's insurance which I'm afraid will eat me alive, and on top of that the fluctuating gas prices. So a car is not an easy commodity. I wish I just knew with any car I saw, what gas mileage it gets, are there any faulty parts, will the insurance be costly? So much to worry about with a car, funny the only thing I'm not worrying about with a car is the possibility of a wreck. And not like I know a smidge of anything about cars, I know nothing of mechanics, nothing of insurance and policies.
The last BIG thing I've been worrying about is that the Hope scholarship I get for my school's tuition each year will not pay for my final semester of my university. Since it only covers taking 127 hours of classes, which unfortunately some of those 127 have gone into wasted classes which will absolutely serve no help toward my current degree. I've wasted 4 classes to German, 1 to Philosophy, 1 to French, 1 to a beginning course I had when I was part of a freshman programme. And I think a few other wasted classes I can't think of off the top of my head, so that's roughly 21 hours or so I've wasted. And it takes 120 hours to graduate. So I'll be saying possibly hello to student loans in the future. And the fees at my school certainly aren't getting any better either. I plan to graduate by Spring of 2011, let's hope I an pull that off.
The other things I've been worrying about...
When I graduate I'm joining a programme that takes me over to Japan for up to 5 years if I continuously apply annually. I'm much closer to my family from years ago, even one year ago we're much closer than we ever have been. The problem with going overseas is my parents, one in particular doesn't understand my need to travel. USA is not for me I know that and have known it deep down for years. So what hurts there is he thinks once I get off to the programme I'll leave my family, never see or speak to them again. Which I'm and have been looking for measure to best stay in touch as I can. My plan so far is to create a video blog which I'll update each week on what's going on in my life, what I miss about USA, cultural and travel experiences and whatever else. This is my best idea because they get to see and hear me each week and it's a great way to stay in touch I think. Problem is for me to do that I need a laptop (with preferred built-in webcam and wireless internet access) like a Mac which is what I want, because they are best for the built-in webcam, the built-in wireless internet access, as well as they don't require tons of cluttering anti-virus and ad-aware and spyware destroying software, because macs are seldom susceptible to any virus or spyware. Problem there is macs are expensive at 800-1k.
I'm worried I just won't learn Japanese which is my college major. I'm worried my brain just won't connect.
Another worry, a passport, they cost a good chunk of change and time to get.
Last worry. I'm going to change my name I've decided that, my plan is to make my last name into a joint with my current middle name (since my last name is a first name anyways) and create my own last name. I already have the name I want picked out. Problem is, I know nothing of the procedures in changing one's name. How long it takes, how much money it costs, how complicated it is to change all documents and whatnot regarding yourself. Let alone, changing my name if found out by my parents, one in particular (again, same one) I'm afraid they'll misunderstand and I'll hurt them. The reasons I want to change my last name isn't anything personal, not like I hate my family or want to disassociate myself from them, but it's simple really. A few reasons. One, I hate how it sounds, it sounds ugly, I've always hated it as long as I can remember. Two I hate having a first name for a last name, and people all the time getting confused which name is my first name, in fact just today my dad had an issue with that at a store he went to and is a member of. They thought our last name was his first name and his real first name was his last name so they had to fix his membership card and all that because of it. The name I want to change to, there is no worry of that at all. Three, there are always people adding an 'S' onto the end of it all the time when there isn't one and never has been. And four, I'm thinking of my future children too. Let's face it my last name doesn't sound good with just any name, lucky it sounds decent with my name, but the names I've thought of for my future kids, nope it doesn't fit, it sounds weird and ugly. So needless to say I've put a lot of thought into this and definitely will change it. The only problems are how do I do it (and preferably discreetly), how long does it take, how much does it cost, how complicated will everything get in changing it, and when is the best time for me to do it. Because I'd like to change it before I leave the country so everything is in order, and I'd prefer to change it before I graduate. Problem there is my parents would find out then when they call my name to receive my bachelor's. Just so much thought into it and I'm not changing my mind, I'm going to do it, just I wish I had advice on it and the processes and all.
So those are all the things I'm worried about, and I'm really feeling crushed by them. So much to worry about and I honestly have little idea as how to solve all those things or how to even start going about most of them. Mainly what I feel of my life is that I'm not living and I haven't been for years, not going by my own schedule my life is not mine and it should be. I also feel like someone has shown me a picture, told me that is what the image of my life should be, all other people my age's lives are that image because they're independent, their lives are their own. Then this person who showed me the image told me, to get to that image you have to put the pieces of the puzzle together to make it. However, I only have 3 pieces of what is seemingly a 60 piece puzzle, and no one has told me how to even go about attaining the rest of the piece of the puzzle to fit them together to make my life whole. I almost feel I'm about at the point someone is going to go kick me out on the street and tell me, go now, make something of yourself. How in the hell do I start, where do I begin, no one's taught me the essentials of how to start living, yet I want more than anything to live my own life. I keep asking 'how?' in my head hoping it will somehow arrive me at a solution or give me the know-how to start my way, but I know it won't. I need help, I need to live and be taught where to start and how to start my own life.
A few top notes and summaries. I'm afraid of the future, deathly afraid, some days I have so much of no clue how to live that I'm afraid I'll just have a complete mental meltdown. I'm afraid of failing to achieve my dreams, which my biggest dream is to have my own family, and provide for them and care for them, raise my future children, and also to teach as a profession. You know at 21, I thought by now I'd know about life, how to live it, how to be myself and not someone else's vision of who they want me to be. Life, I know nothing of this mythical illusion that life is.
On top of that I still cannot drive, and am still sitting on a learner's licence I've had since I was 16, which I've had to keep renewing every 2 years, which is just plain bloody pathetic. So now much of no one has time to teach me to drive either. But I think I can work my way on that, slowly, that's one thing I'm not as worried about is learning how to drive, since I do know how to do it mostly.
The real issues with me and driving are actually owning a car, which is 1k at least for something cheap which is what I'm looking for. So I can only buy a cheap car, which with that I have to worry about parts of it breaking which costs money to repair, and I also have to worry about money for the car's insurance which I'm afraid will eat me alive, and on top of that the fluctuating gas prices. So a car is not an easy commodity. I wish I just knew with any car I saw, what gas mileage it gets, are there any faulty parts, will the insurance be costly? So much to worry about with a car, funny the only thing I'm not worrying about with a car is the possibility of a wreck. And not like I know a smidge of anything about cars, I know nothing of mechanics, nothing of insurance and policies.
The last BIG thing I've been worrying about is that the Hope scholarship I get for my school's tuition each year will not pay for my final semester of my university. Since it only covers taking 127 hours of classes, which unfortunately some of those 127 have gone into wasted classes which will absolutely serve no help toward my current degree. I've wasted 4 classes to German, 1 to Philosophy, 1 to French, 1 to a beginning course I had when I was part of a freshman programme. And I think a few other wasted classes I can't think of off the top of my head, so that's roughly 21 hours or so I've wasted. And it takes 120 hours to graduate. So I'll be saying possibly hello to student loans in the future. And the fees at my school certainly aren't getting any better either. I plan to graduate by Spring of 2011, let's hope I an pull that off.
The other things I've been worrying about...
When I graduate I'm joining a programme that takes me over to Japan for up to 5 years if I continuously apply annually. I'm much closer to my family from years ago, even one year ago we're much closer than we ever have been. The problem with going overseas is my parents, one in particular doesn't understand my need to travel. USA is not for me I know that and have known it deep down for years. So what hurts there is he thinks once I get off to the programme I'll leave my family, never see or speak to them again. Which I'm and have been looking for measure to best stay in touch as I can. My plan so far is to create a video blog which I'll update each week on what's going on in my life, what I miss about USA, cultural and travel experiences and whatever else. This is my best idea because they get to see and hear me each week and it's a great way to stay in touch I think. Problem is for me to do that I need a laptop (with preferred built-in webcam and wireless internet access) like a Mac which is what I want, because they are best for the built-in webcam, the built-in wireless internet access, as well as they don't require tons of cluttering anti-virus and ad-aware and spyware destroying software, because macs are seldom susceptible to any virus or spyware. Problem there is macs are expensive at 800-1k.
I'm worried I just won't learn Japanese which is my college major. I'm worried my brain just won't connect.
Another worry, a passport, they cost a good chunk of change and time to get.
Last worry. I'm going to change my name I've decided that, my plan is to make my last name into a joint with my current middle name (since my last name is a first name anyways) and create my own last name. I already have the name I want picked out. Problem is, I know nothing of the procedures in changing one's name. How long it takes, how much money it costs, how complicated it is to change all documents and whatnot regarding yourself. Let alone, changing my name if found out by my parents, one in particular (again, same one) I'm afraid they'll misunderstand and I'll hurt them. The reasons I want to change my last name isn't anything personal, not like I hate my family or want to disassociate myself from them, but it's simple really. A few reasons. One, I hate how it sounds, it sounds ugly, I've always hated it as long as I can remember. Two I hate having a first name for a last name, and people all the time getting confused which name is my first name, in fact just today my dad had an issue with that at a store he went to and is a member of. They thought our last name was his first name and his real first name was his last name so they had to fix his membership card and all that because of it. The name I want to change to, there is no worry of that at all. Three, there are always people adding an 'S' onto the end of it all the time when there isn't one and never has been. And four, I'm thinking of my future children too. Let's face it my last name doesn't sound good with just any name, lucky it sounds decent with my name, but the names I've thought of for my future kids, nope it doesn't fit, it sounds weird and ugly. So needless to say I've put a lot of thought into this and definitely will change it. The only problems are how do I do it (and preferably discreetly), how long does it take, how much does it cost, how complicated will everything get in changing it, and when is the best time for me to do it. Because I'd like to change it before I leave the country so everything is in order, and I'd prefer to change it before I graduate. Problem there is my parents would find out then when they call my name to receive my bachelor's. Just so much thought into it and I'm not changing my mind, I'm going to do it, just I wish I had advice on it and the processes and all.
So those are all the things I'm worried about, and I'm really feeling crushed by them. So much to worry about and I honestly have little idea as how to solve all those things or how to even start going about most of them. Mainly what I feel of my life is that I'm not living and I haven't been for years, not going by my own schedule my life is not mine and it should be. I also feel like someone has shown me a picture, told me that is what the image of my life should be, all other people my age's lives are that image because they're independent, their lives are their own. Then this person who showed me the image told me, to get to that image you have to put the pieces of the puzzle together to make it. However, I only have 3 pieces of what is seemingly a 60 piece puzzle, and no one has told me how to even go about attaining the rest of the piece of the puzzle to fit them together to make my life whole. I almost feel I'm about at the point someone is going to go kick me out on the street and tell me, go now, make something of yourself. How in the hell do I start, where do I begin, no one's taught me the essentials of how to start living, yet I want more than anything to live my own life. I keep asking 'how?' in my head hoping it will somehow arrive me at a solution or give me the know-how to start my way, but I know it won't. I need help, I need to live and be taught where to start and how to start my own life.
A few top notes and summaries. I'm afraid of the future, deathly afraid, some days I have so much of no clue how to live that I'm afraid I'll just have a complete mental meltdown. I'm afraid of failing to achieve my dreams, which my biggest dream is to have my own family, and provide for them and care for them, raise my future children, and also to teach as a profession. You know at 21, I thought by now I'd know about life, how to live it, how to be myself and not someone else's vision of who they want me to be. Life, I know nothing of this mythical illusion that life is.