(no subject)

Nov 06, 2010 20:29

I never write in this anymore, but I figured what the hell I might as well. Who even reads this shit anyway?

Today is J's birthday, and hes not here. He's almost done with bootcamp, but I feel like when he gets out it will be worse. It's been hard for me to not be able to talk to him everyday, I wrote him a letter for everyday he has been in bootcamp up until today. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and he told me to stop writing to him  because he wont get the letters after this week. It feels kind of weird not writing to him, because when I wrote to him I at least felt like I was talking to him, is that weird? Well anyway, I wish that I could go back to when I first met him and stay there. I was seventeen, in highschool, the weather was perfect, I liked my job and I had no responsibilites. I thought he was the greatest person alive and he could have no flaws and now I know all too well his flaws.  That doesn't change how I feel about him, but I miss the time when I thought he was the most perfect person and nothing could ever go wrong and we would always be together and thats all changed. Although we are still together, we aren't together because I"ll never know the next time I'll see or talk to him, I don't know where he will be living,I don't know his new friends or what his new life is like. He's living his life without me and theres nothing I can do. Before him going to bootcamp, I had spoken to him every single day for four years. Somehow weather it was just a text or a short phonecall, I have spoken to every single day. I don't remember what it was like without him around, and he seems to think thats a bad thing, but he has been so much a part of my life that I feel like I have known him forever.  I get more and more tired of him being gone as every day goes by. I feel like I should  be getting used to him being gone, but it is just gettng worse. I don't talk to my friends about any of ths bcause honestly I know they don't really care. It's not their problem and Its something I have to learn to live with, so I act like I'm not bothered by J being gone and the fact that everything is up in the air and uncertain. Everyone keeps telling me to act like hes gone away to school but its much different than that.  If he was just away at school then he would be allowed to come home whenever he wants and  theres not much danger in going away to school. This is the life he chose though and I can't do anything but support him in everything he does. I just don't like the uncertainty of all of this. Nothing is for sure and I really dont like that.
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