now i need a guilletine to get you off my mind
i got the ipod. it's so fricken sweet. i adore it. i slept 4 hours last night because i spent all my time transferring music once it was fully charged. it's cute.
finals tomorrow. 3. in a row. not great, but it can't be too bad. i have the ipod for the inbetween times.
park tomorrow. its supposed to be nice. i hope it is.
i'm all weird. i'm trying not to think about it. there are so many side to it. i could potentially have everything i want again and wind up screwing it up and hurting somebody. if i did it once, i'm bound to do it again. and i don't want to, but i do want to be able to hang out. i want to have the friendship i decided on months ago. i've done a shitty job of keeping that up. i'm still nervous. i'm trying to play it cool, but everyone knows i'm all talk. he knows well enough. i can't sleep. now i know how it feels. its vaguely familiar. i don't know what to think. i have dreams that i remember now. sometimes he's in them. its funny and interesting. but i'll stay away if i have to to prevent another episode. i can't go back to square one. it took 2 or 3 months just to make conversation exceed hello's. i'll never know for sure what i want so i just won't think about it. would that mean thats when the worst happens because my mind is shut off? fuck its a lose lose. its funny how crazy loneliness makes you.
on another note, suzie found out my dirty little secret. which i think is hillarious. i'm not even mad or embarassed. its great.
there is way too much distance between me and the people i really care about. its probably my fault, but it would be nice to not have to be the considerate one. come to me once in a while. and i'm sad that my best friendship has disappeared. even on the phone, i know where he's going. that's the only time we talk is when he's on his way to see her. isn't that ironic? even still, no genuine concern really. not that i doubt he cares. i know somewhere its there, it just sucks that things don't work out the way you want them to. god damnit.
this will pass in 3 weeks when i'm at silverbay. <3
finals tomorrow. 3. in a row. not great, but it can't be too bad. i have the ipod for the inbetween times.
park tomorrow. its supposed to be nice. i hope it is.
i'm all weird. i'm trying not to think about it. there are so many side to it. i could potentially have everything i want again and wind up screwing it up and hurting somebody. if i did it once, i'm bound to do it again. and i don't want to, but i do want to be able to hang out. i want to have the friendship i decided on months ago. i've done a shitty job of keeping that up. i'm still nervous. i'm trying to play it cool, but everyone knows i'm all talk. he knows well enough. i can't sleep. now i know how it feels. its vaguely familiar. i don't know what to think. i have dreams that i remember now. sometimes he's in them. its funny and interesting. but i'll stay away if i have to to prevent another episode. i can't go back to square one. it took 2 or 3 months just to make conversation exceed hello's. i'll never know for sure what i want so i just won't think about it. would that mean thats when the worst happens because my mind is shut off? fuck its a lose lose. its funny how crazy loneliness makes you.
on another note, suzie found out my dirty little secret. which i think is hillarious. i'm not even mad or embarassed. its great.
there is way too much distance between me and the people i really care about. its probably my fault, but it would be nice to not have to be the considerate one. come to me once in a while. and i'm sad that my best friendship has disappeared. even on the phone, i know where he's going. that's the only time we talk is when he's on his way to see her. isn't that ironic? even still, no genuine concern really. not that i doubt he cares. i know somewhere its there, it just sucks that things don't work out the way you want them to. god damnit.
this will pass in 3 weeks when i'm at silverbay. <3