(no subject)
i went home this past saturday, just for the night, a few hours actually. i was excited to see my parents, i always am. but this time things were different, my mother in particular.
i understand that she will never be the same. losing my gma has changed her forever. i expected that, it should. but i thought "changed" would mean she wouldnt smile as much, maybe cry more often, or not feel up to leaving the house as much. i wish thats what it meant but i was wrong. she is beyond being a different person. she is no one.
i hugged her when i first saw her but i didnt feel her. she wasnt hugging me her body was just going through the motions. and when i looked at her i saw nothing. weve all heard it, but someone told me once that the eyes are Truly the windows to the soul. but her eyes were empty. her soul has died. and her heart might as well not be beating. she was lost, and out of place, in a world with so much more to offer her. but if you have no soul, no will to live, a world as beautiful as ours is worthless. and that is exactly what it is to my mom. worthless.
she doesnt even see me anymore. i am no one to her. im sure she loves me. i know she does. but it hurts to see that she doesnt feel it anymore. to see that she doesnt feel anything at all. and it hurts so bad lately that i dont even like to be around her. i used to jump at every opportunity i had to call her and now i find myself avoiding her phone calls, even though she rarely does so, because i just cant bare the silence on the phone line.
do you know what it feels like to want nothing to do with your own mother..
i thought that with time this nightmare would eventually go away. thats what everyone told me, "just give it time." but in reality, each day is no better than the last, and its all slowly getting worse.
i understand that she will never be the same. losing my gma has changed her forever. i expected that, it should. but i thought "changed" would mean she wouldnt smile as much, maybe cry more often, or not feel up to leaving the house as much. i wish thats what it meant but i was wrong. she is beyond being a different person. she is no one.
i hugged her when i first saw her but i didnt feel her. she wasnt hugging me her body was just going through the motions. and when i looked at her i saw nothing. weve all heard it, but someone told me once that the eyes are Truly the windows to the soul. but her eyes were empty. her soul has died. and her heart might as well not be beating. she was lost, and out of place, in a world with so much more to offer her. but if you have no soul, no will to live, a world as beautiful as ours is worthless. and that is exactly what it is to my mom. worthless.
she doesnt even see me anymore. i am no one to her. im sure she loves me. i know she does. but it hurts to see that she doesnt feel it anymore. to see that she doesnt feel anything at all. and it hurts so bad lately that i dont even like to be around her. i used to jump at every opportunity i had to call her and now i find myself avoiding her phone calls, even though she rarely does so, because i just cant bare the silence on the phone line.
do you know what it feels like to want nothing to do with your own mother..
i thought that with time this nightmare would eventually go away. thats what everyone told me, "just give it time." but in reality, each day is no better than the last, and its all slowly getting worse.