Hm
I know work is stressful, that's why it's work...And I know family life is stressful... And the same applies to moving out and wedding planning. It's starting to become too much. It's 2:30 am and I'm still not tired. Stupid stress...Point is, I'm returning to writing in this thing until I start feeling some relief. Not that I don't want to confide in the people around me (well, some of the people around me), but there's something soothing about writing that's always calmed me. Maybe this'll help.
I can't wait to leave CVS. It's so difficult because I have to kiss ass to stupid customers and because there's inconsistency and annoying co-workers. Yes, the annoying co-workers will always be there, but I hope that when I move on to my permanent career I'll be separated from those annoying co-workers for more than half an hour a day in my office or lab. First, there are the pharmacists who are very inconsistent with their rules on how a tech should act. With Jared, we have to bend over backwards twice for any of the customers that come in. So that means if grandma says her grandkid's doctor called an hour ago and it's technically not time to check the answering machine to see if it's there, we have to check it. If it's Becca, she won't budge and will just tell them to call back later while glaring at you (the little tech you are) as if you've insulted her. If it's Narith, she'll gently remind you while checking. With Jared, there's a whole lot of stress because we have to bend over backwards twice for all these stupid people that come in. With Becca, there's a whole lot of stress because of all the gossip that goes on. I know gossip is hurtful, but damn if they gossip about me in the way they do about the other techs in the pharmacy I'll be heartbroken. Besides that, it's just so damn difficult because you have people yelling at you about why their insurance didn't go through, why they have to pay so much, and why their medication isn't ready ("we're very sorry, but it's because the manufacturer discontinued that drug"). On top of that, I'm as closely monitored as a scientific specimen through a microscope. And what with the new changes in management...Dear God, may I last another four months without losing my sanity and mind.
Another thing about co-workers, I'll call this thing gossip. Gossip happens (especially in such close quarters), and gossip is stupid and hurtful, etc etc. We all know that...but to hear it every day about every one wondering when you'll be talked about next in that same hurtful, derisive tone is torture. Especially when I listen to most of them, like Jamie and Becca, talk. Becca is a pharmacist, so she had to have done very well in school to get to where she is...but at the same time I can't help but feel like I'm more mature than her. Jamie? I think she's a moron. I can't believe (and I'm going to warn you by letting you know that I'm going to sound like a pious asshole) that someone with a high school degree is higher than someone who's getting their doctor's degree in genetics. Both of them have the maturity of high school girls because all they talk about are clothing, food, accessories, celebrities, how stupid one person is, how slow another person is...Jesus, don't they have anything else better to talk about than superficial bullshit like that? While Jared and I can only talk about games and while Narith and I can only talk about tea, I'd rank that higher than their regular conversations on how slow and stupid Ed is (he's new and he's 50-something, give the guy a break) and how hot Taylor Laughtner (however you spell his name) is and how good of a movie "Valentine's Day" was...Jeese, seriously.
Yes, I know I'll encounter stupid co-workers like this later. However, I like to think that having something intellectually stimulating to do will keep me distracted enough where I don't care...Anything that doesn't involve counting pills. I'm literally afraid to go in to work every day because I don't know who I will get yelled at by, yet I know it will inevitably happen.
Then there's my parents. If they're not berating me over my loans, they're trying to tell me where I'm going to live when I go to grad school. I don't have that much say in the matter because if I pick something that they don't like I'll get yelled at and berated by my father. Trust me, being called a spoiled little cunt isn't fun and if I can avoid it by moving in to a place they tell me to I will. Hopefully they won't be with me when I sign the lease so I can hopefully sign a lease that lasts for a few months so I can move in with Dave. I wish he could move in with me no matter where I go, but I understand his reason. I still wish we could definitely live together in the fall...At least we'll have weekends.
Then there's telling my parents (finally) about getting married. I'm afraid to tell them about us getting married before I get my degree and in a catholic church. I'm trying hard not to think about it, though I have a feeling that next year I'll have disowned my parents or they will have disowned me. It's very stupid, but unfortunately I'm not working with an overall bright man. Way to be a hypocrite, Norm. You talk about how you wish all humanity could get along (or at least you use to) and how we should love each other, then you say that you don't want to have a child that's married in a Catholic church. People like you are the reason why MSLC Lutherans and Roman Catholics are still separated. Though if you're willing to lose your daughter over your stupid belief, then fine. It'll hurt me a lot at first, but overall it'll be you hurting yourself. I don't know if you've noticed, but it won't be me losing my first born and grandchildren...
Being alone doesn't help. I think way too much, especially at night.
I decided to look back in my journal at some old posts, here's what I saw:
*Dave and I kept bouncing in and out of each others lives. I still think that he's the male version of myself
*I've had this continual issue of feeling chronically sad. At this point, I'm not sure if my sadness is environmental or genetic...
*I've been in the pursuit of happiness or understanding what it is for a very long time. No different than anyone else, but when you're name is Persian for "happiness" or "to be happy" it's a little ironic. I feel like when people ask me if I'm happy I should automatically respond with "Of course I am! Don't you know what my name means?"
*My favorite memory of Jacob before he became a pious prick (I'm sorry, but telling me that I'm in the wrong faith and that he hopes I return to "the true faith" is a dick move. I don't deserve that...In fact, no one does, especially if it's between two people within the same faith (i.e. Christianity)...Then that just seems silly) was when we were at a party together in 2006. I asked him what he wanted me to say and he told me that he wanted me to tell him that I was happy. ("Of course I am! Don't you know what my name means?")
*I've become much more of an introvert and a hermit. I use to party a lot and see friends and be really happy and affectionate towards them, but that's changed a lot.
*My overall personality hasn't changed much.
*Looking back at old memories with Dave is both heart breaking (when we broke up) and heart warming (when we were getting back/ were back together). I still like the proposal a lot and I'm still looking forward to the wedding.
I'm happy with the wedding planning, I'm in love, I'm healthy, and I'm happy that I'm going to Tufts...There's actually no words for how happy I am with all of that. I just have to keep focusing on the good. I guess my hormones don't help the situation...and my insecurities in my job...and my stress over the wedding (i.e. my parents finding some way to ruin it)...I'm trying to focus on the good and that's all I can really do at the moment.
I can't wait to leave CVS. It's so difficult because I have to kiss ass to stupid customers and because there's inconsistency and annoying co-workers. Yes, the annoying co-workers will always be there, but I hope that when I move on to my permanent career I'll be separated from those annoying co-workers for more than half an hour a day in my office or lab. First, there are the pharmacists who are very inconsistent with their rules on how a tech should act. With Jared, we have to bend over backwards twice for any of the customers that come in. So that means if grandma says her grandkid's doctor called an hour ago and it's technically not time to check the answering machine to see if it's there, we have to check it. If it's Becca, she won't budge and will just tell them to call back later while glaring at you (the little tech you are) as if you've insulted her. If it's Narith, she'll gently remind you while checking. With Jared, there's a whole lot of stress because we have to bend over backwards twice for all these stupid people that come in. With Becca, there's a whole lot of stress because of all the gossip that goes on. I know gossip is hurtful, but damn if they gossip about me in the way they do about the other techs in the pharmacy I'll be heartbroken. Besides that, it's just so damn difficult because you have people yelling at you about why their insurance didn't go through, why they have to pay so much, and why their medication isn't ready ("we're very sorry, but it's because the manufacturer discontinued that drug"). On top of that, I'm as closely monitored as a scientific specimen through a microscope. And what with the new changes in management...Dear God, may I last another four months without losing my sanity and mind.
Another thing about co-workers, I'll call this thing gossip. Gossip happens (especially in such close quarters), and gossip is stupid and hurtful, etc etc. We all know that...but to hear it every day about every one wondering when you'll be talked about next in that same hurtful, derisive tone is torture. Especially when I listen to most of them, like Jamie and Becca, talk. Becca is a pharmacist, so she had to have done very well in school to get to where she is...but at the same time I can't help but feel like I'm more mature than her. Jamie? I think she's a moron. I can't believe (and I'm going to warn you by letting you know that I'm going to sound like a pious asshole) that someone with a high school degree is higher than someone who's getting their doctor's degree in genetics. Both of them have the maturity of high school girls because all they talk about are clothing, food, accessories, celebrities, how stupid one person is, how slow another person is...Jesus, don't they have anything else better to talk about than superficial bullshit like that? While Jared and I can only talk about games and while Narith and I can only talk about tea, I'd rank that higher than their regular conversations on how slow and stupid Ed is (he's new and he's 50-something, give the guy a break) and how hot Taylor Laughtner (however you spell his name) is and how good of a movie "Valentine's Day" was...Jeese, seriously.
Yes, I know I'll encounter stupid co-workers like this later. However, I like to think that having something intellectually stimulating to do will keep me distracted enough where I don't care...Anything that doesn't involve counting pills. I'm literally afraid to go in to work every day because I don't know who I will get yelled at by, yet I know it will inevitably happen.
Then there's my parents. If they're not berating me over my loans, they're trying to tell me where I'm going to live when I go to grad school. I don't have that much say in the matter because if I pick something that they don't like I'll get yelled at and berated by my father. Trust me, being called a spoiled little cunt isn't fun and if I can avoid it by moving in to a place they tell me to I will. Hopefully they won't be with me when I sign the lease so I can hopefully sign a lease that lasts for a few months so I can move in with Dave. I wish he could move in with me no matter where I go, but I understand his reason. I still wish we could definitely live together in the fall...At least we'll have weekends.
Then there's telling my parents (finally) about getting married. I'm afraid to tell them about us getting married before I get my degree and in a catholic church. I'm trying hard not to think about it, though I have a feeling that next year I'll have disowned my parents or they will have disowned me. It's very stupid, but unfortunately I'm not working with an overall bright man. Way to be a hypocrite, Norm. You talk about how you wish all humanity could get along (or at least you use to) and how we should love each other, then you say that you don't want to have a child that's married in a Catholic church. People like you are the reason why MSLC Lutherans and Roman Catholics are still separated. Though if you're willing to lose your daughter over your stupid belief, then fine. It'll hurt me a lot at first, but overall it'll be you hurting yourself. I don't know if you've noticed, but it won't be me losing my first born and grandchildren...
Being alone doesn't help. I think way too much, especially at night.
I decided to look back in my journal at some old posts, here's what I saw:
*Dave and I kept bouncing in and out of each others lives. I still think that he's the male version of myself
*I've had this continual issue of feeling chronically sad. At this point, I'm not sure if my sadness is environmental or genetic...
*I've been in the pursuit of happiness or understanding what it is for a very long time. No different than anyone else, but when you're name is Persian for "happiness" or "to be happy" it's a little ironic. I feel like when people ask me if I'm happy I should automatically respond with "Of course I am! Don't you know what my name means?"
*My favorite memory of Jacob before he became a pious prick (I'm sorry, but telling me that I'm in the wrong faith and that he hopes I return to "the true faith" is a dick move. I don't deserve that...In fact, no one does, especially if it's between two people within the same faith (i.e. Christianity)...Then that just seems silly) was when we were at a party together in 2006. I asked him what he wanted me to say and he told me that he wanted me to tell him that I was happy. ("Of course I am! Don't you know what my name means?")
*I've become much more of an introvert and a hermit. I use to party a lot and see friends and be really happy and affectionate towards them, but that's changed a lot.
*My overall personality hasn't changed much.
*Looking back at old memories with Dave is both heart breaking (when we broke up) and heart warming (when we were getting back/ were back together). I still like the proposal a lot and I'm still looking forward to the wedding.
I'm happy with the wedding planning, I'm in love, I'm healthy, and I'm happy that I'm going to Tufts...There's actually no words for how happy I am with all of that. I just have to keep focusing on the good. I guess my hormones don't help the situation...and my insecurities in my job...and my stress over the wedding (i.e. my parents finding some way to ruin it)...I'm trying to focus on the good and that's all I can really do at the moment.