Impact statement regarding the crimes of Todd Aaron Dunlap from Amherst, OH (***TW CSA***)

[allweneedistime]

“ Sometimes... sometimes I just want to end it all. I know I shouldn't say that, and I know I said I was ok, but I'm not. I won't be. Not for a long time. But I can't talk about it, because then it hurts more than I want it to. Who wants to talk to someone about their uncle raping them? Who would even believe me when my family doesn't? What would happen to Jessie if I really told everything? They say I am inconsistent, that I need help, that I am dramatic. They would blame me more than they already do if she ended up in foster care. Should a fifteen year old girl feel this much pain? Is there any reason why it had to be me? If everything happens for a reason... then what are the reasons behind all this shit? Why am I the way that I am?” (written by Alexis Campana on May 10, 2005 - 15 yrs old)

“ It's like going through everything all over again. The fear, the shock, the pain, the insecurity, the anger, the betrayal, the suicidal thoughts, feeling violated, feeling dirty, feeling worthless, feeling unloved, feeling like the whole world is crashing in, being unable to trust anyone, seeing the stares you get from those who know, seeing the pain in the eyes of your family, seeing the disbelief in the eyes of those who know- sadly, including your family... and it all leads up to an attempt on your own life, one in which you committed, and then you wake up the next morning and know you failed and that adds something else to the long list.” (written by Alexis Campana on May 5, 2006 - 16 yrs old)

“I try. I try so hard to love. I do. I do love. Love kills me repeatedly, a vicious cycle that takes more and more out of me. I can’t take it. I down a bottle of pills, cough syrup, cut my wrists… I do everything and anything I can to stop the pain. I try to cut out the hole in my chest that I am unable to fill. I try. I try, and try, and try… but it is never good enough. I am not happy. I survive, and I don’t know why. I try again to live. I fail. I survive. That is all. I survive, but I am not alive.” (written by Alexis Campana on May 2, 2007 - 17 yrs old)



What kind of impact does trauma have?

There is no way to summarize in a short statement what Todd Dunlap has done to not only my life, but the lives of everyone around him. The fact that I have to share my pain and be judged for it infuriates me. Todd dragged me down into darkness with him, so it became my job to shine a light on just what this predator is capable of. My hope is that it will save others from the same fate. This should have never been my burden to carry.

Todd fractured every aspect of who I was and who I would become, going so far as to warp my reality and my memories. He is incredibly intelligent and intuitive, while also calculating and cruel. I have often wondered if he was born this way, or if someone hurt him to make him this way. I have spent four years trying to understand, and have found that I never will- something I now know speaks to my character as well as his.

Todd got the opportunity to paint a picture of how he saw me as a child. His view lacks any empathy, consideration, or understanding- I have come to expect this from him. He described me as attention seeking, troubled, needy. I was a liar, emotional, a manipulator. All of these things are not who I am, but rather a projection of Todd’s attributes. A majority of my life has been spent with others misunderstanding me, my intentions, and my struggles- I am autistic. Trauma made this worse.

As a late diagnosed autistic- one that is raising higher needs children of my own- I understand now what I experienced as a child and offer myself kindness and grace. I was confused, I was struggling, I was support seeking. I was overwhelmed, plagued with a nervous system that’s wiring frequently disabled my ability to be logical despite being labeled “gifted”. I was and am kind, caring, highly empathetic, and I struggle with people pleasing. I often did and still do not understand that other’s do not have the same intentions as mine- I never wanted to hurt anyone, not even accidentally, as I was often hurt by misunderstandings. I was often told to sit still, to stop asking questions, to be quiet. I was pure of heart with a fast-paced mind, but my social reasoning took much longer to develop than my peers. There were no resources for children like me in those days, nor any diagnostic criteria unless you were severely disabled or affluent. I often looked to others to help me make sense of a highly complicated world and was outcast. Todd knew this. I was wounded, which made me easy prey.

Todd was not always cruel and unkind to me. I now understand that he never loved or cared about me- he was grooming me. This behavior began when I was maybe 11 years old (if that). I remember that he was humorous, energetic, and he offered me a lot of the attention I lacked due to my disability and abusive home life. He told me that I was mature and misunderstood. He offered me a safe haven during my parent’s very ugly divorce and my mother’s subsequent addiction. He listened to me when others angrily told me to stop speaking. Todd told me repeatedly how much he loved me even if no one else did. Todd made me feel loved, understood, and like I meant something to someone.

I didn’t know what a predator was nor how to protect myself from one. Speaking about such things was considered shameful in my catholic household. I did not even know the correct terms for male and female anatomy. Anything uncomfortable was met with immediate anger, shaming, and was quieted.  Image was everything- the reality of the toxicity in my family was pushed aside as a delusion, and anyone that disagreed with this met emotionally abusive consequences. I did not know that I had autonomy, often being forced to make eye contact or hug others when I did not feel comfortable. I did not know that people could be dangerous. All warning systems were disabled inside of me. Todd saw my vulnerability and determined it to be a fatal weakness. Monsters like him do not want to be challenged, so they destroy people like me when we are young.

Todd taught me hypnosis and turned it into a game, a secret just between us. During this game, when he said the word “Anna Banana”, I would become hypnotized and would no longer be me- I was Betsy. Betsy had different traits than I did, which Todd would ask me about as a way I could prove to him I was hypnotized- such as green hair or blue skin. Betsy also would do anything she was dared to do. Betsy was brave and fearless. Betsy thought it was funny to pat her head and rub her tummy when told. It was all part of the game, and it made Todd laugh, which made me think I was doing something good. Todd eventually dared Betsy to take off her clothes and walk outside in the snow and back- when Betsy returned into the house, Todd had lust in his eyes and I had fear in my heart. Betsy was no longer a game, and I felt danger for the first time. I did not understand any of this then. I thought that Todd must really think I was Betsy, and was too afraid to tell him that it was me- I already blamed myself for not knowing better, despite never having been taught.

Todd stole my virginity when I was 12 years old. He would molest me on long car rides to visit my family in medina. He would rape me on the dirty brown shag carpet in his duplex, and make me give him oral. He would force me to do web camera shows. He would hypnotize me any chance he got- one time was at a store when no one was looking, another time in the garage when I was asked to go to the deep freezer at a birthday- just to make sure he had full control. His daughter would often ask me to sleep over- fearful of acting strangely and him knowing I was not Betsy, I would stay. She was my best and only friend and I was hers. I was afraid to have any other friends, as he would ask me to bring them over with me to babysit my cousin, though he never left the house. I used to think that at least it was me and not her, so being raped was somehow served a purpose. The hours that would go by while he had his way with “Betsy”, while he took pictures of her, while he video recorded her, while he even would share her with others or would force her to hurt other “babysitters” as punishment… are too painful to fully relive. Those years feel like a lifetime in my mind.

At some point Betsy became boring. I imagine raping someone who tried painfully hard to not respond was not stimulating, so he changed the game. Betsy was no longer. Now he would say “Banana Anna” and I would have to pretend to be an older version of myself, a seductress that would do anything to get things she wanted. I was too young to think up something like “I will give you oral if in exchange I never have to do it again” and then biting his penis off. Instead, I would make up what an inexperienced child could think of- computer time, snacks, phone minutes, money. I no longer was able to separate what Todd was doing as being done to Betsy, a distinction I believe he hoped would irrevocably break me. I thought that this abuse was entirely my fault by this point. I thought that I was asking for it. I thought I was disgusting, used, and that no one would love me but Todd. I wanted to die and prayed I would, begging God to end my suffering.

My mind fractured during these repeated events, so many of which that I can’t recall a majority of them. My memories became blank spaces or it feels like a wall slams down when I try to retrieve the most distressing ones. Time moved in strange ways. My emotions raged when I was not near him, not hiding, not masking. My family thought my parents’ divorce was the cause of my emotional troubles. I became someone entirely unlike myself- and I became buried inside of my mind behind a wall where he couldn’t fully destroy me. I thought that this was going to be my life forever. Todd was careful, making sure to leave no evidence. I tried to find any way I could to escape. I finally got the opportunity in Nov of 2003. Todd turned his back after he ejaculated into my mouth, going into the kitchen to get something to force me to wash it down- I quickly grabbed a towel and spit the semen into it and hid the towel, hoping that having proof would mean I would not have to tell anyone the details and would never have to do this again.

Todd told me no one would believe me. He told me that he would hurt me if I told. He told me that his daughter would end up in foster care, and she would get hurt there. I no longer was sexually abused by him after November of 2003, but his abuses never stopped. With his strong ties to the community and his charms, he managed to evade any consequences despite DNA evidence and a previous conviction for similar crimes. He printed my online journals and used these as proof of my emotional instability, blamed me for what he had done, and my family covered his actions to keep face in our town. I believe his friends from his previous time in service as a police officer helped him. Several times over the past 20 years, items from my rape kit have been destroyed without court order. That box should have been sealed and on a shelf until 2033 based on Ohio law.

Within a year Todd was back at all family functions and had regular access to me. He showed up almost daily at my grandparents’ home where I was living. He continued to control my mind by regularly mentioning small details of memories that were most traumatic to me- such as offering me sweet tea, leaving mints near my drink, turning police scanners on in the kitchen when I was asleep or touching the small of my back as he passed me in the dinner line. He did this to retraumatize me and keep me locked in my head- when any of these memories are triggered, I used to immediately shut down and become emotionally reactive, losing all ability to remain logical and make appropriate choices. I never understood why. My mind was trying to turn on my fight or flight response to let me know I was in danger, but my memories were so repressed that I thought that I was insane.

I tried twice to reopen my case as a child, but was met both times with disbelief and blame despite my best attempts to be as honest as I could, even without full access to my own memories or inner self. I was called a liar and told nothing could be done. My cousin had friends that I were concerned would become his next victims, and I also worried about my cousin’s safety as her behavior became more erratic and much like my own. I remember a family member yelling at me for my attempts, saying that I was trying to ruin the family and that I needed to get over it.

After the second attempt to reopen the case, I did not try again. I lived in a survival state for over 17 years, trapped in my own head, watching the world pass me by. I made stupid choices and I allowed myself to be victimized in many different ways throughout those years. I accepted the love I thought I deserved, which was narcissistic and abusive. The continued trauma buried me deeper inside my mind and removed all logic from the table. I felt like I was watching my own life through a thin veil, screaming internally, raging at how cruel and evil and awful the world was. I had two children with men that were incapable of love, and pulled these poor innocent souls into my chaos trying to find love. I put my pain on my children and was reactive, and at times emotionally distant or abusive. It is something I will take with me to my grave as my biggest regret. I do not remember ever truly wanting to be alive during that time frame- I have been passively suicidal since before I can remember, and at times actively so. I would self harm, drink too much, rely heavily on the abusive relationships and toxic friendships I had developed. My children were the only anchor that has kept me here and forced me to remember the good in this world, rekindle my own humanity. I tried hard to be better for them, but never felt like enough. I remember barely any full memories from those 17 years due to my hypervigilant state.

It was not until I saw Todd looking at my 13 year old cousin with lust in his eye that I fully became conscious and began fighting. I took a hard look at the mess that was my life, at the distorted memories and beliefs I carried, and I got angry. I knew it was not my fault. I knew I did not deserve it. I knew he was never going to stop. I knew the danger she was in.

I dedicated several months to remembering every single thing I could about Todd from those 17 years, every single thing I saw him do or say, anything that was similar to what he had done to me. I fought against the emotional shut down and the nervous system overwhelm. I learned to validate my own reality, and I documented things I knew I would not remember. I began to reach out to others I suspected were victims. During this process I found close to a dozen other victims of Todd Dunlap, all of whom were underage and neurodivergent. Some came before me and some came after. Only one was able to speak with me at this trial, as many of the others were still too traumatized to have felt safe enough to fight. I printed old journals that I had kept secret from Todd during my childhood that detailed how I felt about what had happened to me. I immersed myself into the mental health community as a nurse- finding even more humanity, good in this world, and  bringing with me a deep understanding for trauma survivors. I gathered all the proof I could and I vowed he wouldn’t be allowed to continue destroying innocent lives. I reopened my case in 2020.

I will forever be grateful to Detective Brian Griffith for seeing me underneath the chaos of my incredibly fractured psyche. I believe that the transcript of that interview was 92 pages. I only saw it again two weeks ago, and at first I was embarrassed at how inconsistent and rambling it was- to be quite honest, I did not remember it well, as I was panicked and once again cut off from logic at that time. Now I look on that interview softly. I was desperately trying to be heard but afraid I would again be seen as a liar and I had severe distrust of the Amherst Police Department. I was preparing for the devastation I would feel if nothing would happen, preparing to watch Todd continue to hurt others, and not to get lost in the pain. My sense of self then was limited. Detective Griffith heard me, believed me, and he fought for me.

During the last four years Todd kept his promises. The first person he pulled from me was my cousin, his daughter. I had not told anyone what I had done when I reopened this case, nor that he was indicted. I begged the sheriffs to not arrest him until after my cousin’s wedding, as I did not want her to be hurt even further than I knew she most likely already was. I did not want to lose her, and for her to be alone with him. Todd turned himself in on a secret indictment not long after her wedding. I spoke to her the day he turned himself in. The last words she spoke to me were “I always knew something happened. I understand.” I told her "I love you." The very next day I received a long, scathing, angry text message. I knew she was scared and hurt. I have never blamed her for any of this, and I never will. Two weeks ago she took the stand and lied for her father after just giving birth to a little girl I will never get to know, a little girl who was feet from me but I will never have seen. For that alone- as a mother and as someone that deeply loves his daughter, my favorite person- I will forever hate Todd. Pushing that sweet soul away from love and support to cover his wrong doings is disgusting and insane. Continuing to do so, Knowing that if he would have be found innocent the guilt could have destroyed his kind daughter, knowing his granddaughter’s whole future could be on the line… this man is incredibly depraved.

This court got the opportunity to meet family. I spoke briefly to my other uncle (Thomas) when he was here, and his youngest daughter testified unknowingly in my defense- she remembered a time when I screamed at our family in an effort to protect her. My uncle Tom told me during trial that he would never fall into my delusion- more toxicity and projection, which this time was closure instead of pain. When I offered Tom the case files after his testimony was over, Tom told me he did not want to know. The willful ignorance of my family- the allowance and the enabling of a predator to harm not only me, but many other innocent young girls- I will never forgive. They shunned me, took away my cousins, and blamed me for the actions of a rapist. They told me that I ruined the family and destroyed my grandmother’s life, yet they have outcast her and treat her horribly for doing the right thing. My family did not want to face their own guilt and shame over what they have done. I am ashamed of and disappointed in the adults from my childhood. I deserved protection. Your daughters deserved protection. I pray every day that Todd did not hurt my younger cousins in the four years they were not protected by me.

I want to take a moment to offer open arms and understanding to other victims of this man. Some of them have come today seeking closure. Others are home with their families, waiting for the group call to  hear his sentence. Others I am sure are not yet known at this time. I did not fight alone and I could not have done this without them, the family that chose to support me, and my friends. If there is anyone else out there that has been a victim of this psychopathic predator- You are safe now. You are not too far gone to be saved. You are not broken. You did not deserve this. You are and were a good person. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, even if you have struggled since this happened to you. Whether it be today or many years from today, I will always be one message away and I will help you. It was never meant to be my job, but I will take what he has broken and help you find beauty. You are not alone.

I have two requests for this court. My first request is that this man faces the maximum possible sentencing for all charges. Todd has not only a previous conviction with a 15 year old girl from 2000- a girl who babysat for his daughter, whom is still so traumatized that she was unable to be a part of these court proceedings- but also has multiple other victims prior to that and after me. I fear that there are still others out there that are yet to come to light. He is an incredibly dangerous and destructive person, and he targets the most vulnerable in our community- children from already traumatic backgrounds, and children with varying levels of neurodivergence or disability. He destroys all that is good that he comes in contact with, and he manipulates and brainwashes anyone close to him or his victims. He should never be near another child again.

My second request is that Todd be housed in a facility outside the state of Ohio. I realize this may be a request that you are not able to accommodate, though I felt it important to ask. Todd has ties to many members of our community, some of whom were or are part of our justice system and city leadership. He manipulated someone into posting his bail, even though he was an incredible danger to that person’s  child. Todd is charming, charismatic, and highly skilled at what he does. He is calculated, intelligent, and patient. I fear that having access still to these people will present a continued danger to his victims- people who deserve safety and security. Without these two things his victims will be unable to truly heal and find themselves again. Todd deserves to be alone with the emotional consequences of the pain he has caused everyone else.

To the court, I want to give my deepest and most sincere thanks. There was a moment during my testimony where I looked at you Judge Miraldi, and all I could see was compassion in your eyes. I could feel humanity, kindness, and sincerity radiating from you. I will admit that I internally panicked from that point forward- I had very little faith in the criminal justice system, and very high walls for those that work in it. I knew you could see that I was painfully honest at deep cost to myself. I am so very grateful to have felt safe for the first time in 21 years these last two weeks, and to know that Todd will not have the ability to do this again. The price that I paid emotionally to be able to do this was incredibly high, but I would pay it again and again for the same outcome. I should have never had to pay it, but I am glad that I found the strength for others to do so- and that along the way I found myself again. The road to my recovery will be incredibly long and painful, but I am excited to fully be able feel the depth of who I am. I know that I am a good person, and that these experiences are not who I am… it is just a part of my story.

To Todd- You did not break me.

From this point forward all of the pain, anger, doubt, insecurities, shame, guilt, and fear that you buried me under I return to you. No one is past redemption, even if in my eyes you are. My only wish for you is that before your dying day you are honest about the suffering you have caused. Take accountability and recount your wrong doings. Release everyone from the hold you have on them, let our family heal and find happiness. You do not need to destroy others to feel better about yourself. I do not wish you harm or wish you any unkindness. I know from carrying your weight around all these years that your internal world is absolutely miserable. Your life is hell and I no longer will continue living in it. I only wish you what you deserve-what that may be is up to you.