I wish i was as good
As you make me out to be.
Fucker fuck fuck fuck fuck. this week has been hell. why arent these pills working anymore? its turning all around.
Monday i dont remmeber much. so im skipping that day.
Tuesday yesterday. i was sooo incredibly tired. i got to school and sat with my people then went to class.
I did my skit in french. pretty lame. i dont really remmeber what else happened that period.yea so i left.
In math i sat by chelsie and evan. we didnt do much that period either i dont think. we started a test but thats about it. popsicles chelsie! lol were so lame.
In lunch, we all ate out in the courtyard. they took a picture of my butt. lol who knows why.
Then in health i was with krissy the whole time. i layed on my desk and listened to her talk the entire class. then i started calling people! i only got to the S's though. lame.
Then in peer tutor i was with spencer and them. i was so not in the mood for doing that.we played in the commons. and i just wanted to sit. but instead ben asked me to play with him. and who can resist that? and so im playing and matt squirts sooo much water all over me. i was so annoyed and tired and emotionless on the outside. and then i got a soda with spencer and we waited for katie.
Then we went to the locker and got my crap and went over to todd and stuff. and then we walked over to cassie and i drop my bag to say bye to todd and all of a sudden connor throws one of my shirts that was in my bag at me!
me: did you see anything else?
connor: um..(shifts eyes) yes.
me: connor!!!
Well he knows what kinda underwear i wore today. god i was embarassed. lol then i went with katie and cassie and my dad rejected them so we left. i got a slurpee and pie and then we picked michael up.
So we get him and go to their house and i sit on the stairs and just bitch at my dad if he talks to me while the dog is licking my face...so then my dad and michael go outside to play basketball. and it is quite sunny so i go out there too and lay on the sidewalk. then i layed on my stomach and completly fell asleep for like 45 minutes. haha. i could be a good bum. then i went in the car and i whinned about my dad not giving me space. cuz he really doesnt. and i talked a little more about california with katie. i know if we figured it out id be able to. i want to so freaking bad. even if we dont do anything. i just wanna get away and go somewhere with my best friend.
Anyways michael finally got ready and we went to the mall and FINALLY got my shoes. they had just come in that day and were the last pair. im a size 7. im shrinking... then we went to target and i told my dad i neeeeded the bright eyes cd but he wouldnt cave in. i even offered to pay all of it but 2 dollars. what a cheap ass. i called him that too. but he only heard the cheap part.
Then we went to my nana and papas house and i watched them eat dinner. cuz i wasnt really hungry and they were having meat. so i kinda just listened and stuff. for an hour. god it was boring and i was tired.
So then we go home finally. and i have some chips. and that was my dinner. lol and then i called jake to wish him a happy birthday.
happy fucking birthday jake.
And so i decide ill go over there for 20 minutes to just talk and be there. cuz i hadnt seen him for like a month. in return, i wash my dads car. easy enough. shoulda listened to him though...
So i get there and we just talk and stuff about nikki......
So we get to my dads house. im about in shock right then. thinking, it was just one of my dreams again, id never do that...would i? and i stand in the rain. wanting to cry, but i cant. so i go upstairs and what else do i do? what i do best. i even slapped myself. i just wanted, to die. so i slept with my arm in a straight line. i went to bed early. like 10:30ish!
Then i woke up at 6:30 today. and got ready. quietly. the whole morning at my house was pretty silent. then once i got to school. todd came up and grabbed my hand right at the doors. i looked down and didnt say a word. then at the locker. i couldnt take it. it wasnt worth it. i broke down and just bawled on his shoulder. i think hes the only other person besides katie ive really cried on. and im so grateful for someone like todd. and i told him the truth. i wasnt gonna even try and hide it from him. and the thing is, he didnt even get angry. he understood. he wanted to be with me that much, that he got past it. and i told him i loved him. for the first time. and god, i ment it. i decided i wasnt gonna say it anymore after spencer if i didnt truly mean it. why play with hearts? i just didnt want to leave him. im horrible. i dont deserve him. and he didnt deserve what i did. this is one promise i WILL NOT break. ever.
So i go int the bathroom to clean up before i go into class looking like shit. and i fix myself up enough to were my eyes are just glazed over and my lips are red.and i get in and patrick and nick said something about me being their favorite person and even though its not true, it helped a little. and then i was forced to explain to stepfanie. the rest of class, um i did the test. probly fucking failed. and thats about it. oh, we had a fire drill. that sucked.
Desmond grabbed my fucking arm in the hall. i almost screamed. then i went to class. and jumped in the mud. i finished the math test. i think i did fine on it. and then i got mad at corey cuz he didnt write me the note he promised. they all kept putting food in my hood. and then ryan slapt me. : (
Going to lunch me and chelsie had to abandon corey. we cant be friends. and then i walked katie to math and todd skipped his class to go eat with me. im really glad he did though. i just needed to be with him. and we ate lunch with tiffany and cassie in the courtyard.
In gym me chelsie and megan played tennis. holy hell. ok so we are just hitting it against the wall and it goes by a car. so i swing away and i completly hit the car! i made a big scratch on it! i was laughing so hard. so was ms. sharron! weird... then we all went to play soccer. and i ddint. i touched the ball like once.
As we were walking to the locker rooms, i finally talked to lance. kinda. well he at least half listened to what i had to say. didnt really answer me, but i guess he doesnt want to right now and ill respect that. he did through a fucking cup of turf on me though.lol
Then i got ready and walked chelsie to her class and pedro and adrian were making fun of todd. i told them to fuck off. because i could careless. i like him the way he is.
Then in ceramics. i worked really hard today. i got quite a bit of my mask done. and i talked to filip too. so my brother aaron, took art and got in huge trouble with mrs.wegner. and they did not get along. and my mom and her did deffinitly not get along. and so i find out ms stuart got divorced and she is mrs wegner! ahhh but of course i told her my brother was an art director and he was my brother. so haha in your face.
Then after school i hung around with my friends. and coles pants were suddently down. hm. and i pretty much left.
Me and my mom went and got ice cream and then went to my hair appointment and i got it cut. the lady was nice. i like her, and i guess my hairs not so bad. i love the clean feeling of it has right after getting cut.
I talked to katie and cassie today on the phone. i talked to kyle too. he sucks balls. i dont like him. im sorry katie, bad vibes. he just, i dunno. he seems cool and eveything. but like, one of those people with 2 personalities like when they are by themselves, its compeltly different from when they around friends. and he was calling me and idiot and everything. i just dont think he treats you very well my beautiful friend...
I talked to rene. he seems pretty cool. for the first part at least. im hungry. yepo
Right now, im hating jake. and i think im taking some of my hate towards myself, and putting it on him. but right now, i think its best we dont talk or see each other for a while. its as much of his fault as mine. i just , wish my dad would have said no. or id forgotten my phone. anything to prevent this.
Im tired. gonna go to sleep soon.
Oh, next year, if i wanna take IB art, i have to BE at school by 6:20. fuckin a. so my mom might not let me. and i want to soooo bad. its not fair.
Thanks to rene. who incouraged me.
Glazed over eyes. please no more lies. im sorry, sorry for the things ive done.
I cry on your shoulder, with pure pain. i left a big hole on our hearts, a stain. im sorry, sorry for the things ive done.
You kiss me again and i cant figure out why. is it because ive left nothing to hide?
"Have we evened out the score?a hurt for a hurt?" i say as i wipe up the blood with my shirt. im sorry, sorry for the things ive done.
I love you so much, that i dont understand hun. we're both sorry, sorry. for the things we've done.
I supose ill go.
SnowyPoo4: pinky swear
TresgRassEvachE : pinky swear
SnowyPoo4 : ok good
SnowyPoo4: i love you
Ive never expierenced this feeling of deep relief inside of me. like ive waited for the moment and then it comes and it cant be over. like a rush of blood. like holding your breathe and you are barely a step away from passing out, and then you get that gust of air in your lungs and you can finally release.youve got me.
Au Revoir