Tell Me I'm A Wreck (14/?)
Alex’s POV
The rest of weekend was just as he expected it to be, uneventful. Rian didn’t come back over Saturday night or even Sunday. He picked him up Monday morning for school though. It was a silent car ride. Finally Alex just decided to invite him in after school.
So that's where they were, currently seated on Alex's couch.
“Why did you leave after saying that the other day?” Alex asked turning to look at Rian.
“Saying what?” he asked not looking at the other boy.
“You know what you say.” He muttered. “Are you and Zack dating or something?” he finally worked up the courage to spit out. He had been thinking it since they started hanging out. Rian was always hanging out with him now. He never had any time for Alex, and yeah, he was jealous.
“What? No!” he said eyes going wide.
“Then why are you guys always hanging out? You never have time for me anymore.” He said getting a little sad, but mad at the same time.
“He’s just, he’s helping me with something.” Rian told him fidgeting with his fingers.
“Like what?” Why wouldn’t Rian just tell him what the hell was going on?
“Nothing you need to worry about.” He mumbled.
“What the hell Ri? Why can’t you just tell me!?” It was so obvious that he was keeping something from him. He crossed his arms tightly across his chest.
“He’s helping me with you, in a sense I guess. He’s dealt with this before.” He said still not making eye contact.
“I don’t need anyone’s help. I told you that. And what has he dealt with before?” Why would Rian go behind his back like that? He really just wished that he would at least look him in the eyes.
“Self-harm, purging.” He whispered shrugging his shoulders.
“Yeah, okay. Is that the excuse you’re gonna use to hang out with him? Because I already told you that I don’t care if you want to hang out with him more than me. I just want to know why.” Alex’s voice softened a little bit.
“No really, Lex. Ugh. I didn’t want to tell you this because I don’t know if it’s okay but, uh…Jack used to purge too. He got really bad Lex. If you think he’s skinny now, you should have seen him before. And I was talking to Zack one day and he said he would help me if I needed to talk about anything.” Rian explained finally making eye contact. Alex didn’t know if he should be mad that Rian had told someone or if he should feel guilty for sending Jack away when he really was just trying to help.
“Fuck.” Alex exhaled. He kind of felt like a jerk now. How was he supposed to know though? He didn’t know Jack and Jack didn’t know him. He ran a hand through his messy, dark hair.
“Am I really that bad?” he asked looking up at Rian with a little hurt in his eyes. He didn’t know it hurt him that much that he needed someone else’s help.
“I’m just, I’m always worrying about you. What if you cut a little too deep or you force yourself to throw up a little too much? Then you’ll be gone. You might think you’re the only one of us who needs the other so much, but I need you Lex. I need you just as much as you need me.” Rian whispered, his eyes attached to his hands the whole time. Alex swallowed the lump that was starting to form in his throat. He didn’t know how to respond to that. Maybe he should be saying how he’ll change and he wants to get help and blah blah blah. But honestly, he didn’t see the point in it. If he stopped, what was he supposed to do to take the pain away? He felt like dick because he could see how much it hurt Rian, and anyone else in their right mind would have stopped and gotten help, but he was in too far now. He didn’t know how to get out. He definitely did not want to go to a shrink. They would just give him a bunch of drugs to make him “happier” and want him to talk about his feelings. He was not going for that. He was just making things worse.
He moved to rest his head in Rian’s lap. “I’m sorry.” He whispered looking up at the other boy.
“Don’t apologize. I just want you to be okay again.” He whispered back. Rian started running his hands through Alex’s hair to help soothe the boy.
“I don’t think that’s possible.” He said holding back the moisture that was threatening to spill from his eyes.
They sat like that for a while in comfortable silence. Alex took deep breaths silently willing himself not to cry.
“You wanna put in a film?” Rian asked finally interrupting the silence.
“Nah. You could go hang out with Zack and Jack if you want to or something. I….I have some stuff to think about.” Alex said honestly. He had a million things buzzing through his head and it was making him a little dizzy. He had some things to sort out.
“Oh, okay.” He stumbled looking at him questioningly.
“I’ll be okay.” Alex promised him with a small smile. He knew they weren’t the most honest words, but Rian was probably worried about him doing something.
“I’ll see you Monday then?” he asked unsure.
“Bright and early.” He told him before he followed him out to the door where they said their goodbyes.
He dragged his feet back to the couch and lay down again, folding his arms across his waist. How could the events of just one day have him questioning so many things?