Save Me From Me (Prologue)
23 years old man suffering from depression since January 2010, confesses to be thinking of death more often than never and fears to commit suicide if he doesn’t get help. Family and friends have the same concern. Admitted on his demand.
That’s what could be read on the first page of Jack Barakat’s file at the Otium Retreat Center, along with some other shit he’d never be able to understand. He shouldn’t have read it but he had to know what it said. He had gone through every page, from his psychologist’s opinion on the situation to his older sister heart-wrecking testimony. He read his mother’s concern on his constant dark mood and his best friend’s memories of the day he found him on their bathroom floor but he felt nothing. He was numb to the world, numb to human emotions. He was just going through the motion, only doing and saying what he was told. It had been a year now, a year of fake smiles and real tears on his pillows. He had gone too far. No one could help him. He realized that now.
“What’s on your mind?” Rian asked after a quick glance at his friend. He used to read him like an open book. His face used to show every one of his emotions but he couldn’t remember the last time he had seen something on Jack’s face, a smile or tear. It showed nothing. Jack showed nothing anymore and sometimes, Rian wondered if he actually felt anything at all.
“Usual crap.” Jack replied, eyes focused on the landscape. He didn’t need to say more. Rian knew what he was thinking. He knew what was on his mind 24/7. He had known for months but he didn’t say a word. No one dared to say anything. Everyone tried to ignore it because if it wasn’t talked about, it wasn’t real. Except that it was real. Jack was falling into a dark hole and they didn’t do anything to stop it. They just kept their eyes closed and hoped for their friend to get better.
“It’s gonna be alright, Jack.” Rian promised, a weak smile on his lips. Jack wanted to believe him but he didn’t believe in miracles. He wanted to make it all okay again, wanted to feel okay again. He just didn’t think that was possible. He had gone too far and hurt too many people on the way. He could still hear his mother’s cries when she got to the hospital. He could still feel the fist of May when she hit him for being stupid enough to cut his vein open. He could still see the pain in Dan’s eyes when he asked why he couldn’t just let him die.
“We’re here.” Jack said when he noticed the light coloured building at the end of the street. It looked nothing like a psychiatric institute. There were no barriers on the windows and no video cameras on the gates. No one could guess that lost causes were sent there on a last hope. To anyone who didn’t know, it looked just like another mansion lost in the middle of nowhere. It was one of the reasons why he had chosen to come here.
“It looks nice.” Rian murmured quietly while waiting for the gates to open. Any other day, Jack would have laugh at his unconvinced tone. It would have been a fake laughter and he was tired of being a fake. He was tired of everything. The gates finally opened and Rian pulled into the alleyway. The closer they got to the building, the more Jack pondered. He should be nervous or nauseous. He should feel something, anything, but nothing came. Absolutely nothing.
“Thanks for driving me.” Jack uttered once Rian had turned the engine off. He didn’t give him time to react before stepping out of the car to take his suitcase out of the trunk. The last thing he needed was for Rian to get all emotional on him. He didn’t want his friend to know that he couldn’t feel anything. He had been able to hide it for a very long time now. There was no reason to change that. He had never been a big fan of goodbye anyway.
“I’ll visit when it’ll be allowed.”
That’s what could be read on the first page of Jack Barakat’s file at the Otium Retreat Center, along with some other shit he’d never be able to understand. He shouldn’t have read it but he had to know what it said. He had gone through every page, from his psychologist’s opinion on the situation to his older sister heart-wrecking testimony. He read his mother’s concern on his constant dark mood and his best friend’s memories of the day he found him on their bathroom floor but he felt nothing. He was numb to the world, numb to human emotions. He was just going through the motion, only doing and saying what he was told. It had been a year now, a year of fake smiles and real tears on his pillows. He had gone too far. No one could help him. He realized that now.
“What’s on your mind?” Rian asked after a quick glance at his friend. He used to read him like an open book. His face used to show every one of his emotions but he couldn’t remember the last time he had seen something on Jack’s face, a smile or tear. It showed nothing. Jack showed nothing anymore and sometimes, Rian wondered if he actually felt anything at all.
“Usual crap.” Jack replied, eyes focused on the landscape. He didn’t need to say more. Rian knew what he was thinking. He knew what was on his mind 24/7. He had known for months but he didn’t say a word. No one dared to say anything. Everyone tried to ignore it because if it wasn’t talked about, it wasn’t real. Except that it was real. Jack was falling into a dark hole and they didn’t do anything to stop it. They just kept their eyes closed and hoped for their friend to get better.
“It’s gonna be alright, Jack.” Rian promised, a weak smile on his lips. Jack wanted to believe him but he didn’t believe in miracles. He wanted to make it all okay again, wanted to feel okay again. He just didn’t think that was possible. He had gone too far and hurt too many people on the way. He could still hear his mother’s cries when she got to the hospital. He could still feel the fist of May when she hit him for being stupid enough to cut his vein open. He could still see the pain in Dan’s eyes when he asked why he couldn’t just let him die.
“We’re here.” Jack said when he noticed the light coloured building at the end of the street. It looked nothing like a psychiatric institute. There were no barriers on the windows and no video cameras on the gates. No one could guess that lost causes were sent there on a last hope. To anyone who didn’t know, it looked just like another mansion lost in the middle of nowhere. It was one of the reasons why he had chosen to come here.
“It looks nice.” Rian murmured quietly while waiting for the gates to open. Any other day, Jack would have laugh at his unconvinced tone. It would have been a fake laughter and he was tired of being a fake. He was tired of everything. The gates finally opened and Rian pulled into the alleyway. The closer they got to the building, the more Jack pondered. He should be nervous or nauseous. He should feel something, anything, but nothing came. Absolutely nothing.
“Thanks for driving me.” Jack uttered once Rian had turned the engine off. He didn’t give him time to react before stepping out of the car to take his suitcase out of the trunk. The last thing he needed was for Rian to get all emotional on him. He didn’t want his friend to know that he couldn’t feel anything. He had been able to hide it for a very long time now. There was no reason to change that. He had never been a big fan of goodbye anyway.
“I’ll visit when it’ll be allowed.”