(no subject)
Title:My body's broken, yours is bent. CHAPTER FOUR
Pairing:Jalex, eventually. Rating:PG13
Disclaimer: I don't own anybody.
Summary: Most chapters will just be Jack going to therapy but basically it's how Jack and Alex got together and how Jack ended up how he is.
Author Notes:This is a lot of speech and a lot of terrible writing. Sorry.
The sky is elephant skin grey when Jack pulls into Rathbone Hospital car park, the air has smelt of rain for the best part of the morning and the wind has progressively gotten worse but Jack doesn’t care, he just wants to get the assessment over with and then crawl back into bed . The carpark is somewhat busy but Jack finds a parking space close to where he needs to be, the hospital grounds are split into different buildings called ‘houses’ and Jack’s assessment will take place in William house, the eating disorder centre. Jack checks the time on his phone and reluctantly grabs his bag from the back seat, takes a deep breath and opens the car door. The wind blows Jack from his car to William House where he takes the elevator to the second floor, like it said on the letter, and he walks through the empty waiting room to the receptionist’s desk where he stumbles over his name and is then redirected back to the waiting room where he sits, eyes flicking between the clock and the exit, for five minutes before a woman who identifies herself as Vicky tells him to follow her with a lovely smile and not a disbelieving look that it’s a boy sitting in the waiting room. Jack follows her down the corridor and into a room with two seats facing each other with a small, low table with a box of tissues placed between them, from where Jack sits he can see the sky and some trees but despite this the room makes him feel uncomfortable and trapped. Vicky tells him that first, he needs to fill out some forms and then they can get started, she leaves him alone in the room for fifteen minutes.
“I-“ Jack starts and Vicky looks up, eyes kind and interested. “I don’t think I should be here.”
She carries on reading through the forms he filled out. “Why?”
“I’m not sick or disordered. I’m just wasting your time.” Jack chews his lip as he waits for her to speak.
“If you want to get better, you can’t lie to me.” Vicky shuffles the forms and smiles at him, small and nice and Jack just manages to return it. “You wrote that you’re restricting your intake?”
“I try not to eat over five hundred a day and if I do I exercise.” Jack hunches over, feeling stupid.
“Do you take laxatives?” Jack shakes his head. “Have you ever?”
“No.” Jack looks at her lap and see’s that there’s about half a page of notes scrawled. “How long have we been speaking?” The question makes Vicky stop writing and look at him.
“About half an hour, why?”
Jack can taste words in his mouth but he can’t remember saying them. “I keep losing time. I can’t remember speaking to you. In school it gets really bad sometimes, I miss entire lessons or conversations with Al- with friends. I’m cold too. Always.” Jack breathes through a tight chest.
“How long has it been like this?” Vicky asks.
“I can’t remember. It happens when I’m driving sometimes and I get so scared that I’m going to kill someone.”
“But not yourself?”
“What?”
“You said that you’re scared you’re going to kill someone but you never said about yourself.”
“I- I don’t know. I guess I don’t really care.” Jack pauses for a second, he’s always been aware that he doesn’t care if he dies but saying it aloud feels like he’s betraying a secret. “I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to be alive.”
Vicky starts taking notes again but her eyes are still focussed on Jack. “Have you ever tried killing yourself?”
“No but- I guess I’ve done things that aren’t safe.”
“Like what?”
“I take a lot of pills at once. I don’t wear my seatbelt in the car or look at the street when I’m crossing it. Just things.” He feels stupid again and Vicky picks up on it.
“Just because you’ve never tried to kill yourself doesn’t make these things any less serious.”
Jack hates himself for the tears in his voice. “But, like. I don’t feel sick enough for attention.”
“Let’s finish up this and then I’ll decide that.” Vicky smiles again and Jack wonders how she and almost everybody else does it, how they smile and eat and talk and just be.
-----
After half an hour of talking Vicky looks at Jack in a way that makes him know that this won’t be the last time he comes here.
“Before I tell you what I think would be the best course of action for you, did you come here with anyone? Your mother? A sibling?”
Jack shakes his head. “No. Nobody knows I came here.” Vicky looks taken back.
“Jack, you’re anorexic and quite severely at that. I think you should come here for regular sessions and-“ Vicky keeps talking but Jack’s mind is shaking. “Is there anybody you could call to meet you here?”
“I can’t tell my mother.” Jack’s hands fly to his knees and he leans forward desperately. “You can’t tell her.”
“We don’t tell anybody anything unless we think you’re in danger or think you’re likely to harm yourself. Is there a friend you could call?”
Jack speaks before he can stop himself. “Alex.” The word hangs in the air for a second before Jack dissolves into tears.
Pairing:Jalex, eventually. Rating:PG13
Disclaimer: I don't own anybody.
Summary: Most chapters will just be Jack going to therapy but basically it's how Jack and Alex got together and how Jack ended up how he is.
Author Notes:This is a lot of speech and a lot of terrible writing. Sorry.
The sky is elephant skin grey when Jack pulls into Rathbone Hospital car park, the air has smelt of rain for the best part of the morning and the wind has progressively gotten worse but Jack doesn’t care, he just wants to get the assessment over with and then crawl back into bed . The carpark is somewhat busy but Jack finds a parking space close to where he needs to be, the hospital grounds are split into different buildings called ‘houses’ and Jack’s assessment will take place in William house, the eating disorder centre. Jack checks the time on his phone and reluctantly grabs his bag from the back seat, takes a deep breath and opens the car door. The wind blows Jack from his car to William House where he takes the elevator to the second floor, like it said on the letter, and he walks through the empty waiting room to the receptionist’s desk where he stumbles over his name and is then redirected back to the waiting room where he sits, eyes flicking between the clock and the exit, for five minutes before a woman who identifies herself as Vicky tells him to follow her with a lovely smile and not a disbelieving look that it’s a boy sitting in the waiting room. Jack follows her down the corridor and into a room with two seats facing each other with a small, low table with a box of tissues placed between them, from where Jack sits he can see the sky and some trees but despite this the room makes him feel uncomfortable and trapped. Vicky tells him that first, he needs to fill out some forms and then they can get started, she leaves him alone in the room for fifteen minutes.
“I-“ Jack starts and Vicky looks up, eyes kind and interested. “I don’t think I should be here.”
She carries on reading through the forms he filled out. “Why?”
“I’m not sick or disordered. I’m just wasting your time.” Jack chews his lip as he waits for her to speak.
“If you want to get better, you can’t lie to me.” Vicky shuffles the forms and smiles at him, small and nice and Jack just manages to return it. “You wrote that you’re restricting your intake?”
“I try not to eat over five hundred a day and if I do I exercise.” Jack hunches over, feeling stupid.
“Do you take laxatives?” Jack shakes his head. “Have you ever?”
“No.” Jack looks at her lap and see’s that there’s about half a page of notes scrawled. “How long have we been speaking?” The question makes Vicky stop writing and look at him.
“About half an hour, why?”
Jack can taste words in his mouth but he can’t remember saying them. “I keep losing time. I can’t remember speaking to you. In school it gets really bad sometimes, I miss entire lessons or conversations with Al- with friends. I’m cold too. Always.” Jack breathes through a tight chest.
“How long has it been like this?” Vicky asks.
“I can’t remember. It happens when I’m driving sometimes and I get so scared that I’m going to kill someone.”
“But not yourself?”
“What?”
“You said that you’re scared you’re going to kill someone but you never said about yourself.”
“I- I don’t know. I guess I don’t really care.” Jack pauses for a second, he’s always been aware that he doesn’t care if he dies but saying it aloud feels like he’s betraying a secret. “I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to be alive.”
Vicky starts taking notes again but her eyes are still focussed on Jack. “Have you ever tried killing yourself?”
“No but- I guess I’ve done things that aren’t safe.”
“Like what?”
“I take a lot of pills at once. I don’t wear my seatbelt in the car or look at the street when I’m crossing it. Just things.” He feels stupid again and Vicky picks up on it.
“Just because you’ve never tried to kill yourself doesn’t make these things any less serious.”
Jack hates himself for the tears in his voice. “But, like. I don’t feel sick enough for attention.”
“Let’s finish up this and then I’ll decide that.” Vicky smiles again and Jack wonders how she and almost everybody else does it, how they smile and eat and talk and just be.
-----
After half an hour of talking Vicky looks at Jack in a way that makes him know that this won’t be the last time he comes here.
“Before I tell you what I think would be the best course of action for you, did you come here with anyone? Your mother? A sibling?”
Jack shakes his head. “No. Nobody knows I came here.” Vicky looks taken back.
“Jack, you’re anorexic and quite severely at that. I think you should come here for regular sessions and-“ Vicky keeps talking but Jack’s mind is shaking. “Is there anybody you could call to meet you here?”
“I can’t tell my mother.” Jack’s hands fly to his knees and he leans forward desperately. “You can’t tell her.”
“We don’t tell anybody anything unless we think you’re in danger or think you’re likely to harm yourself. Is there a friend you could call?”
Jack speaks before he can stop himself. “Alex.” The word hangs in the air for a second before Jack dissolves into tears.