I Walk a Fine Line (Between The Right And The Real)
Title: I Walk a Fine Line [14/20]
Author: 23a_j10
Pairing: Alex Gaskarth + Jack Barakat.
Rating: R/NC-17: Overall.
Warnings: I wouldn't recommend reading this if you're subject to OCD in any form. Mental illness, and self-harm.
Summary: When the only thing Alex believes in is killing him and the only thing Jack believes in is love can the two save each other from their unhealthy and unrealistic lives.
Disclaimer: I don't know/own All Time Low.
POV: First, Alex's. This chapter only.
Author's notes: I know this has been gone for awhile, I'm sorry.
MASTERPOST
I refuse to move, I refuse to speak and most importantly refuse to let go of Jack’s hand. I kept our fingers linked together, tight and secure.
“You should ring her and tell her where you are, dear” Jack’s Mom smiles at me sadly, she’s worried, I can tell. But there’s no need, I’m safe here. I don’t answer her but she’s too nice to ignore, so I smile the same way she smiles at me, but shake my head defiantly.
“You’re welcome to stay here anytime you want Alex, but I don’t want your Mom to worry about you. I can’t imagine what I’d do without my Jack, just call her and tell your safe” She tries to convince me, but it doesn’t matter. None of these people, save Jack, mean anything to me. Not the ones I like, the ones I don’t like or the ones I’m supposed “love” unconditionally. Sighing with what’s most likely impatience she looks at Jack for help. But I get to him first with a tight squeeze from my fingers to his.
“I’ll call her if you like, she’s probably really worried” He says glancing from me to his Mom. She nods and adds,
“I’ll speak to her if you like?”
I try to avoid their helpful eyes but it fails as I sigh in defeat and take out my phone, passing it to Jack.
“Thank you” Jack smiles and dials the number, it barely rings before she answers. Jack clicks it to speakerphone when his Mom gestures for him to do so. I move a bit closer to his body ducking my head into his shoulder away from the loud voice emitting from my phone.
“Alex? Alex? Where are you?” She’s practically shouting.
“Mrs. Gaskarth it’s Jack-”
“What! Where is Alex? Tell him to come home NOW!” I cower a little closer and he disconnects our fingers to wrap his free arm around my shoulders.
“He’s here, he’s okay I was just-”
“Refusing to speak again is he?” She shoots down the line and I hide in Jack’s hold.
“Uh... He’s upset but he’s safe” He replies unsurely, I can feel his gaze on me.
“Well! If he’s not speaking I bet I know what he is doing!” She sounds hysterical but her sentence hits me in the wrong way, my head snaps but and I shake my head at Jack in warning. He looks at me quizzically,
“He’s safe, I was just ringing to-”
“You know what! FINE! Let him run away and shut me out, all I’ve ever done is care about that boy and all he does is destroy himself. Let him know he’ll be seeing Lucy as soon as I get my hands on him and keep him away from sharp objects. Anymore of that and he’s out for good!”
The phone cuts off leaving the house still. I can see Jack shaking slightly and Mrs. Barakat is looking at me in alarm. I try to shrink back further but I’ve got nowhere to hide.
“Alex...” Jack’s Mom says my name in a way that makes me wish I was deaf. The crushing realization that I’m not a nice, sweet boy with polite manners. No. I’m a self-destructive wreck who posing a threat to her flawless son, even I agree with the thoughts that are no doubt running through her mind right now.
Jack sits oddly still, still holding my phone is his right hand. She turns away from me to him,
“When Alex came over the other night for dinner, that cut on your arm... It was just an accident. Right?” The desperation of want for confirmation is evident, even her eyes are pleading to her silent son. I say nothing and leave the decision of the truth or a lie in his hands.
“Of course it was” He says too rushed for me to fine convincing, I glance up at his Mom to see her trying to analyse our every move. I feel sick from the pure guilt. Her face mirrors the same pain portrayed in her son. I’ve done this to Jack.
“I’m sorry Mom” Jack sounds so distressed and it hurts me. It pains me deep in my chest. I look up with an honest look of “sorry” straight into her eyes.
“Upstairs” Is all she says and Jack drags me away to the refuge of his bedroom. We stand there, his grip leaves me helpless and I start to doubt everything. I doubt myself, my choices, and my belief. I doubt Jack, his Mom and his existence. I doubt my senses and my judgement, I doubt everything.
I can’t deal with this... I can’t. I. What am I doing? This isn’t right, this isn’t real. I’m not meant to trust, I’m not built for this, I’m not designed for life. It’s that simple. This is every that’s too much and none of this means anything. It’s all in my head, it hurts so much to feel again. I don’t know. I just don’t know how to be normal. I can’t give this up. I can’t give up what I’ve trained my mind to believe in.
“Alex, I’m scared...” Jack interrupts my thoughts and I form the plan perfectly in my head. There’s no other way. I smile at his form and take his hand. I led him to his bed and pull him down. He cries distraughtly into my hoodie and I hold him close, waiting for him to fall asleep.
I have no trouble staying awake until he drifts off. He looks so unhappy as I leave him alone on the sheets. But it doesn’t matter does it? It’s all fake and this is all an illusion. A cruel one at that because this is so unfair but life’s unfair, right? And that’s it. Life’s not right, not for me. I’m quiet, not quite silence as I slip to the bathroom, but I don’t hear any other sounds apart from my own breathing and movements. I open draws and cabinets searching. I make sure I take the shaving razor. I don’t want Jack hurting himself again, even though it shouldn’t matter, somehow it does.
I put the things in the pockets of my hoodie and start to search for my exit route. I try the bathroom window, it’s open. Before I launch myself out of it I turn around. Maybe it’s stupid but it’s a risk I’m willing to take for his sake. Real or not, his sadness hurts me. I pad as quietly as I can back to his room and find a pen. I tiptoe back to the bathroom and pull a length of toilet paper from its holder. I scrawl a few words on it, including “thank you” and “sorry” and leave it where I’d found Jack with the razor.
Leaving the house I decide to make a trip to the coffee shop before leaving. Hopefully Zack will be there to thank one last time. It’s not particularly late from what I can tell. There are still cars on the road and lights are still switched to on in most houses. I take a short cut through a park I visited as a child.
“ALEX!” My name’s cried out in what like mocking happiness. I turn around and Josh is there, clearly wasted, possibly high. At this point I couldn’t care less about him, or his drunken friends or intentions. I consider running but, what’s the point? They mean nothing anyway. This nasty side of my sub conscious must come from all the suppressed anger, whatever. It’s too late now anyway. My mind’s made up. Any escape is still a way out.
“Buddy! How, are you doing huh?” He asks me, slurring, smiling. He’s close enough so I can smell the poison and see the mischief brimming in his eyes. I raise an eyebrow because it was a pretty sad sight, five boys plastered on a Sunday night. I really am worthless.
“No big boy to save you tonight” He winks and I hold my head a little higher in response, none of this matters. His friend’s all stay quiet like they’re waiting for permission to speak, all ready to take the orders the alpha dishes out. He surprises me when he offers me his can of alcohol, I don’t look at the label but take it anyway, letting the liquid run down my throat and warm my insides. Josh smiles at me and for a lack of better judgement I smile back. Right now, it doesn’t matter. I don’t matter, nothing matters. I pass him the can back and he takes a mouthful, watching me like an animal. Fear seems to evade me, the situation should be dangerous, I should be scared but the lack of compassion for my own life overwhelms my judgement, he passes me the can again. I drink again.
“Help yourself, I’ll make you forget about all this pain you put you through” He promises me and snakes his arms around my waist. I look at him, completely confused. He just laughs, harsh and loudly. My arms make no attempt to push him away, I don’t seem to be able to register the danger levels reaching their limits. As his body presses against mine he feels the items of destructive through my hoodie. He dips his hand into one of them and pulls out the shaving razor, then twists me against him to reach into my other one, revealing three small bottles of various stolen medications.
“Quite a cocktail you’ve got here” He compliments and his friends take my implements away from his hands, leaving him free he touch me again.
“How about we give you a proper send off?” He suggests with a smirk, holding me too close to his alcohol scented self.
I think I’ve made a mistake.
Chapter Fifteen