Dear Jack - One-Shot
Title: Dear Jack
Author: Ashlee - xyoungandnative
Pairing: Friendship Jalex
Rating: R
Warnings: Character Death.
Summary: Almost eight days have gone by now...
Disclaimer: Nope, don't own 'em, my wish still didn't came true :[
Dear Jack,
Almost eight days have gone by now, since you're passed away. Eight days filled with pain, grief and loss. Eight days that passed by with the speed of a snail's pace.
I miss you, do you know that? I miss you so fucking much. And I'm not the only one. Your family, Zack, Ri, Matt, the whole fucking world. Everybody misses you, Jack, they want their most favourite guitarist back, just like me.
People tell me that you're good now. That you somewhere on a beautiful place are (and for the first time in my life I'm willing to believe that, just to be sure that you're safe) Somewhere harmless, peaceful, filled with love. Just like you.
I miss everything about you, Jack-o. Your face, your musky scent, your voice, your laugh ((I'm so afraid that I will forget how they sound like), your dorkiness, your nifty tricks and jokes, your clumsiness, your annoying habit to collect menu's from restaurants we've dined out in, your urge to perfection when it comes to our music, your never-ending curiosity, your excitement when you'd finished something.
I miss joking with you, talking to you, just chilling with you. Miss teasing the crew non-stop, make up the stupidest things, just everything.
I secretly even miss our fits and disagreements and the days, when we weren't touring, I thought I could cook. Those days you needed to save me because it went totally wrong and that it then turned out worse. That we eventually ended with microwave pizzas on our lap. That was always a laugh.
But most of all: I miss our little moments. Those moments where we both didn't said a word, but just looked to each other, floating in thoughts, happy that we met each other and someone to talk with about everything and anything.
It's hard for me to cope with the lost, Jay, and you're not making it me particularly easy. Because wherever I go or stand, you're in my mind. Everything reminds me of you. Even the smallest things, like pigeons (which we have pursued in a playful mood). I'm really struggling with it and that's why Ri advised me to write you a letter and even though I think it's tits-arse bollocks (because I know that you'll never be able to read this) I gave it a shot. And that's why I'm sitting in the corridor right now, leant back against your closed bedroom door.
Everything is so empty and cold now you're not able anymore to cheer everything up. Especially the nights are tough, when we're not every night on the bus anymore and it's dead quiet. Of course, the night is always silent, but I mean it different: We could always hear each, so every night I fell asleep on the sound of your breathing and hearing how you murmured whole stories in your sleep. Little things like that, reminded me that I was not alone, that you were close.
Can you still remember that one time in my room? It was the fourth time we saw each other and we sat on my bed, listening to each other music preferences. We were joking about how awful the others taste was, even though we liked the same. I surely do. To be honest: I remember every thing that included you, even when they only mentioned you.
Take our first meeting. That's something I'll never forget. I always said that I hated you all those year ago, but that wasn't true, I was more in awe. When we started acknowledge each other, I was afraid I was disappointing, boring or awkward but you apparently you didn't found that and soon enough we became friends, best friends.
And now, so fucking many years later, it's weird that I need to accept your absence. You were always there for me when I needed you and even when I don't needed you. And actually, we were always on each others' side, especially since we started to tour. Now I don't have that luck anymore, I understand why people liked it to call us a siamese twin.
Often I still have those moments that I call you, because I want to tell you a random thing and that I than come to the painful realisation that you're not there. The first time I kept calling, thinking you pulled another prank on me, totally forgetting that you're gone. But now, at those moments, I take any article of clothing of you you've left here and pull myself back to my room, so I can cry until I run out of tears, whilst your scent intrude my nose.
If I could, I would swap our places and disappear off the earth, so you would be still here. But I know that I need to go on, that you would desire that from me, just like I would want from you, if things were different. I know that you want that I'll happy and stuff. Just like you would be.
People told me that your funeral was beautiful. Everybody was sad of the loss, but that but didn't stop the attendees to make something 'worth to remember it' out of it. Some told a little story, whilst others sung. I didn't do anything, I'm sorry. And to be honest, I can't remember anything. Everything is a big blur, as if I stood still, whilst time and space unhindered went ahead without me. Matt even told me that when they lowered your coffin into the ground, I freaked out. He, Zack and Ri had to hold me against the ground, just to be sure that I wouldn't jump after you. And it seems they just succeed in that. I didn't want to let you go, I didn't want to say goodbye.
The first time that I was really alone, the third day after your absence (therefor were Zack and Ri constantly by my side, just to be sure I wouldn't do anything stupid) I put on your clothes, did I played some of your favourite game did I watched Home Alone and have I eventually slept on the sofa you would always crash on when visting, so I had you still as much as possible near me.
Despite the pain, tears and grief, I'm still able to laugh. Laugh and be proud if I think back to every second we've had together. Laugh if I think back to every great memory you gave me. I'm proud that I've had the chance to get to know you well. Proud that I could and can call you my best friend.
I hope that you're happy now, wherever you are and I promise you this: I personally make sure that everybody I met in future, will know about you. About how great and lovely you are. I will keep you alive, remembered, as if you're still among us.
You live on my mind and in my heart, for forever and longer. You are and will remain being my best friend.
I love you,
Alex