Up All Night (Four)
Title: Up All Night
Author: Lauren
Pairings: Jack Barakat/John O'Callaghan, Alex Gaskarth/Rian Dawson
Rating: NC-17
P.O.V.: Katie
Summary: “It’s okay,” he mumbled to me. “I’m here for you. We’ll get through this together.”
Disclaimer: I don't own Jack, Alex, or anyone in the lovely band and crew that make up All Time Low. They all own each other. Amen.
Warning: This is an mpreg. So if you're no into that sort of thing, I would suggest you don't read it.
A/N: Let me remind you this is FICTION. Thanks.
turnthepageover.livejournal.com/28224.html
What Alex said really got me thinking. If my and John's relationship didn't work out then would I really put all the blame on my baby? Right now, I was thinking no. But who's to say that that won't change in the future if this news is too much for John to handle and ends up walking out on me? I've seen too many teens and even young adults split because a baby came into the picture. I didn't want John and I to be added to those relationships. I feel we have a stronger one, so maybe things won't turn out so bad.
Plus, I desperately needed John to stay with me. I'm not trying to make myself sound clingy or needy but he's gonna have to help me with this. I've never been pregnant before. I'm just as new to this as he will be. Maybe that'll help with getting him to stay. I'm going to go through a lot of shit while I have this thing inside me growing and developing. I know I have Alex, but really? What help will he be to me? He's gunna be just as pregnant as I will be and I hate to say, but he'll be kinda useless to me then. I can't help him out all the time when I'm gunna be the size of a beach ball and I know he won't be able to help me with a beach ball of his own.
I guess I should really stop whining about John leaving me, though. I mean, at least for the most part, he's still here with me and what not; Lex has no clue as to who his baby daddy is. He'll be in this alone pretty much, minus the help I will be able to do for the time being. It's pretty unfair for him but then again, he's the one who continued with his whorish ways. I told him in the beginning that if he did go on with his one-night-stands that it would just end up blown up in his face. And in a way, it has blown up in his face. He's pregnant.
I love my best friend, I do. I know I'm making it sound like I don't, but really, I do. I love him. We've been through so much as kids and teens. We've gotten into so much shit that it's gunna be hard to keep our kids from finding out. If they end up anything like us, we'll have to keep a good eye on them.
But it's Alex's decisions that I don't agree with. He tends to not make the best decisions for people around him or for himself. He does things that could end up getting him hurt. Him sleeping around, yes, that could hurt him if he ended up with a STD because he didn't use a condom or if he brought home someone who wasn't all that nice. I'm sure it's already happened and I hate that I don't know for sure. I want what's best for my best buddy. Just like he wants the best for me.
Which is why he's pushing me to tell John about my baby. It's more difficult than he's saying it will be. Something in my gut is telling me that something is going to go wrong at some point and someone is going to end up very much hurt - if not both people. I wanted to tell him. I wanted this to be a happy moment for us, because honestly, what couple that has been together for a long time doesn't want to hear that their partner is carrying their baby? Every couple that is serious about being with someone would be or if they weren't ready, or weren't ready, they'd still stick around and help out. They would cross the "what happens next" bridge when it gets here.
I took a deep breath as I left my last class for the day. I wasn't paying attention very well due to the weight that was on my shoulders right now. I just couldn't focus. I was constantly having the urge to pee and I'm sure the professor was getting annoyed with me, but I couldn't tell her that I was carrying a child and was six weeks pregnant! Ha! She'd probably kick me out of the class if that happened. And I can't afford to be kicked out. I need this education. Even though she seems like a chill lady, I'm not sure she'd be understanding about this.
I adjusted my bag on my back and walked slowly to the double doors that would lead me outside and back to my apartment where John would be without a doubt. This may seem really bad, but I didn't want to go there yet. I didn't want to face him yet. I wanted more time to think about how I was going to go about this. I'm not going to just walk in the door and be like, "Honey I'm home and six weeks pregnant! Let's celebrate!"
I had to have a plan of some kind. I had to ease him into the conversation of having kids and whether or not he was ready for it. I hope he's changed his mind. I hope he's thought about it and now thinks having a child of his own would be the best thing ever. I mean, I was pretty excited for this. I love John with all my heart and this is what I have been wanting for a while. John's great with kids. I've seen him interact with them, so I just don't get why he wouldn't want one with me, his boyfriend.
I groaned softly when I reached the double doors. I stood a few feet in front of them, just staring at them as if they had just spoken to me in French. I felt my stomach churning and flipping, giving me a sickly feeling inside. I felt like I was about to throw up. I couldn't do it. I can't go home. But where the fuck was I going to go? Oh, fuck my life right now.
"Hey, man. Whatcha just staring at doors for?" One of my friends I met through John named Kyle came up beside me and clapped a pale hand on my shoulder and shook me from my thoughts. I looked back at him and shrugged.
"Thought they'd attack me, ya know?" I smiled weakly and prayed to God he didn't notice my reluctance to go home. Thankfully he didn't and just laughed at me. I had to smile and chuckle at his overly happy self.
"I know what you're saying. Vicky-T complained how last year they hit her in the ass and caused her to fall right into the arms of college pimp Gabe Spaporta. They're totally dangerous, bro." He was mocking me in a way, but I paid no attention to it. Kyle's always been that way. "Say, you think John Ohh would mind if I stole you away for a little while to go grab some coffee and grub?"
Without thinking, I spoke. "Not at all. Who's going?"
"You're not gunna, like, text him and tell him you'll be late. I know what ya'lls schedules used to be and how he hated for it to be delayed." He winked at me in a knowing way. I felt my cheeks flush and I flipped him off. He laughed some more.
Besides, that part of our lives won't happen anymore once he learns I'm pregnant.
[-]
The moment I stepped through the door of my apartment, I was met with the smell of something good. It smelled like grilled chicken with some seasonings that filled the whole room. I took in a deep breath and smiled. I had that feeling that this would be the last time I came home to an already cooked meal. That thought depressed me a little and brought down my mood.
"Oh, hey, babe. You're just in time. Dinner's almost ready." John came around the corner with nothing but a pair of low rise jeans on and came up to me and gave me a simple yet sweet kiss to my lips. I kissed back, savoring the moment as much as I possibly could.
I pulled away and followed him to the kitchen. I stood next to him at the counter and watched him as he moved about, getting two plates out and two glasses and setting them on the counter next to the oven and sink. Our apartment was one of the nicer looking ones in this complex. It had bigger rooms and the walls weren't that boring baige color all other apartments are. We could actually paint our walls and change the carpet. I was hoping that if John was okay with having a family, we could start looking for an actual house nearby. That would be good. But we're taking this in baby steps. Literally.
"It looks really good, baby. I can't wait to eat it." He looked over and smiled brightly at me. I won't be seeing that long and it saddens me even more. I know Alex told me that things would work out and that John won't freak out, but how does he know? He told me to keep a positive attitude, but how can I when my gut is yelling at me? I sighed. Fucking fairy tales making people believe things ended up happy.
"What's wrong, baby? You look a bit down. How are your classes going?" God, he was too caring. He cares so much about how I'm feeling. Maybe Alex was right to begin with...
I smiled sweetly at my boyfriend. "My classes are going fine. I'm fine. Just some things have been on my mind lately."
"Well, good for you, dinner's ready and we can talk about whatever's on your mind," he said, and scooped some yummy looking food onto the two plates next to him. Anxiety filled my core. I had to tell him. I couldn't lie to him. I hate lying to him.
He handed me my plate of food and with a slightly shaky hand, I took it from him. He didn't notice my shaking body. Good. I went to the table and sat down in my normal seat and waited for John to come over. I could barely keep a hold of my fork; my hands were becoming clammy.
He finally sat down in front of me, and handed me a glass of water. I smiled at him and looked down before I could see him return it. If I saw it then it would just make this more difficult and be more painful when he leaves. I have plenty of moments I can remember from our good times to keep me going. I took a small bite of food, having already lost my want for food, and chewed slowly. I kept my eyes set downward and didn't look up at him.
"Babe, what's wrong? You're starting to worry me. Are you sick?" he asked. The concern was so noticeable in his voice and I finally looked up through my black bangs to see him properly. His eyebrows scrunched together in obvious worry and for some strange reason, I didn't want that look there. I didn't want the look of worry on his face directed at me. My anxiety was being slowly replaced by anger and annoyance. Why must he act like this when he'll just up and leave as soon as I give him the news that I'm carrying his child?
"I... I actually do feel kinda sick," I muttered. This was it. I was going to drop the bomb on him. And it would all blow up in my face afterward.
"Well, what's wrong? You can tell me anything, babe," he murmured. The word 'babe' didn't sit well with me. I didn't want him calling me that right now.
"Don't call me that," I muttered quietly. He looked at me funny. He didn't understand. Well of course he doesn't understand, you haven't explained anything to him!
"What are you talking about, Jack?" he asked slowly. He set his fork down gently and stared at me. He knew something bad was coming, how could he not when I was so tense and ready to burst? It was obvious to anyone.
I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly through my nose. "What I mean is, you won't be calling me that once I tell you something I should have told you the first day I found out." My voice was shaky and on the verge of cracking.
"Jack, you're scaring me. What do you mean -"
"I'm pregnant!" I blurted out. I shut my eyes tightly as the room went silent except for the television in the living room. I didn't dare look at him. I didn't want to look up into the face that would have disgust and hate written on it right now.
"You're... pregnant?" John spoke slowly and he spoke as if he wanted me to repeat it in hopes that I didn't say what he thought I said.
"Yes, I am. I am six weeks pregnant, John," I sighed and wrung my hands under the table. "With you're child."
Seconds turned to minutes with the silence that followed my words. I instantly regretted telling him. I regretted everything. At this very moment I didn't want this child anymore. I wanted it gone. My relationship with John just ended with those uttered words.
"Jack, I -" He started to say, but had to stop to swallow thickly and regain his words. "Jack, how can you sit there and tell me you're six weeks pregnant? That's not a very funny joke, ya know? You're kidding with me, right? You have to be kidding me."
I shook my head meekly. "No, it's true. I'm pregnant and you're the dad -"
"I'm not the father of anything," he snapped sharply. I stared at him. Did - did he really just tell me that?
"B- But, John, it is your child. You know I wouldn't cheat on you. It can't be anyone else's!" I tried desperately to reason with him. No use. He shook his head, and stood. "Where are you going?"
"Away from here for a little while," he said sharply. He wouldn't even look at me right now.
"John, look at me please. Don't leave me now. I can't do this on my own. It's your fucking child!" I exclaimed, exasperated.
"Well I fucking told you I didn't want a child, and yet here you are, pregnant! I don't want a child with you. I love you, Jack, but I don't want a child with you. Not right now. I'm too young for that and I don't want to be tied down this early."
I stood there with my mouth gaped. That fucking hurt. I was willing to have a child with him, hell, I wanted a child with him. But he didn't want a child with me. He didn't love me enough to want a family with me. I was in so much shock I couldn't even cry. I couldn't even force myself to cry.
"S- So that's it? This is all ending because I got pregnant by you! You fucking dickhead. How can you sit there and tell me that? I fucking love you enough to keep this baby and take care of it with you! God, I was so damn stupid to believe any word that came out of your mouth the past year. It was all fucking lies!" I was crying out of anger now. If I had something to throw, I would have thrown it at him.
"You know that's not true, Jack. I do fucking love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life, but I'm not ready to be tied down and raise a child, Jack. I'm too young. If I were older, fine. But I'm only in my twenties, Jack," he said.
"You think I wanted to be pregnant this early too? You think I want this right now? News flash: I don't. I'm twenty-two for fucks sake. You think I wanted a child that early? No, I didn't. I was hoping it would have been later on down the road but it's not and there's not a damned thing I can do about it!"
"Abortion, Jack. Not that hard," he said, monotonously. I stared at him in disbelief. What the fuck? Does he really think I'm for that?
I laughed. "No. That will never be an option for me, John. I promised myself that if I ever got pregnant or got someone pregnant, I would stick with it. I would take responsibility for my actions. And I'm not backing out of this, even if you are," I nearly growled.
"I can't deal with this right now, Jack. I'll call you... at some point. Bye." He grabbed his car keys and the hoodie I bought him for Christmas last year and left the apartment. When it clicked shut, that's when I lost it. I didn't see the point in running out after him. I can't right now. Tears flowed freely and I didn't bother to stop them. I put a hand on my stomach and went to the nearest wall, slid down and cried into my hands.
Fuck Alex. Fuck John. Fuck everything. Fuck my life. My heart felt like it was in pieces and the pieces were falling down around me like rain. I'll pick them up later; when I have a reason to.
Author: Lauren
Pairings: Jack Barakat/John O'Callaghan, Alex Gaskarth/Rian Dawson
Rating: NC-17
P.O.V.: Katie
Summary: “It’s okay,” he mumbled to me. “I’m here for you. We’ll get through this together.”
Disclaimer: I don't own Jack, Alex, or anyone in the lovely band and crew that make up All Time Low. They all own each other. Amen.
Warning: This is an mpreg. So if you're no into that sort of thing, I would suggest you don't read it.
A/N: Let me remind you this is FICTION. Thanks.
turnthepageover.livejournal.com/28224.html
What Alex said really got me thinking. If my and John's relationship didn't work out then would I really put all the blame on my baby? Right now, I was thinking no. But who's to say that that won't change in the future if this news is too much for John to handle and ends up walking out on me? I've seen too many teens and even young adults split because a baby came into the picture. I didn't want John and I to be added to those relationships. I feel we have a stronger one, so maybe things won't turn out so bad.
Plus, I desperately needed John to stay with me. I'm not trying to make myself sound clingy or needy but he's gonna have to help me with this. I've never been pregnant before. I'm just as new to this as he will be. Maybe that'll help with getting him to stay. I'm going to go through a lot of shit while I have this thing inside me growing and developing. I know I have Alex, but really? What help will he be to me? He's gunna be just as pregnant as I will be and I hate to say, but he'll be kinda useless to me then. I can't help him out all the time when I'm gunna be the size of a beach ball and I know he won't be able to help me with a beach ball of his own.
I guess I should really stop whining about John leaving me, though. I mean, at least for the most part, he's still here with me and what not; Lex has no clue as to who his baby daddy is. He'll be in this alone pretty much, minus the help I will be able to do for the time being. It's pretty unfair for him but then again, he's the one who continued with his whorish ways. I told him in the beginning that if he did go on with his one-night-stands that it would just end up blown up in his face. And in a way, it has blown up in his face. He's pregnant.
I love my best friend, I do. I know I'm making it sound like I don't, but really, I do. I love him. We've been through so much as kids and teens. We've gotten into so much shit that it's gunna be hard to keep our kids from finding out. If they end up anything like us, we'll have to keep a good eye on them.
But it's Alex's decisions that I don't agree with. He tends to not make the best decisions for people around him or for himself. He does things that could end up getting him hurt. Him sleeping around, yes, that could hurt him if he ended up with a STD because he didn't use a condom or if he brought home someone who wasn't all that nice. I'm sure it's already happened and I hate that I don't know for sure. I want what's best for my best buddy. Just like he wants the best for me.
Which is why he's pushing me to tell John about my baby. It's more difficult than he's saying it will be. Something in my gut is telling me that something is going to go wrong at some point and someone is going to end up very much hurt - if not both people. I wanted to tell him. I wanted this to be a happy moment for us, because honestly, what couple that has been together for a long time doesn't want to hear that their partner is carrying their baby? Every couple that is serious about being with someone would be or if they weren't ready, or weren't ready, they'd still stick around and help out. They would cross the "what happens next" bridge when it gets here.
I took a deep breath as I left my last class for the day. I wasn't paying attention very well due to the weight that was on my shoulders right now. I just couldn't focus. I was constantly having the urge to pee and I'm sure the professor was getting annoyed with me, but I couldn't tell her that I was carrying a child and was six weeks pregnant! Ha! She'd probably kick me out of the class if that happened. And I can't afford to be kicked out. I need this education. Even though she seems like a chill lady, I'm not sure she'd be understanding about this.
I adjusted my bag on my back and walked slowly to the double doors that would lead me outside and back to my apartment where John would be without a doubt. This may seem really bad, but I didn't want to go there yet. I didn't want to face him yet. I wanted more time to think about how I was going to go about this. I'm not going to just walk in the door and be like, "Honey I'm home and six weeks pregnant! Let's celebrate!"
I had to have a plan of some kind. I had to ease him into the conversation of having kids and whether or not he was ready for it. I hope he's changed his mind. I hope he's thought about it and now thinks having a child of his own would be the best thing ever. I mean, I was pretty excited for this. I love John with all my heart and this is what I have been wanting for a while. John's great with kids. I've seen him interact with them, so I just don't get why he wouldn't want one with me, his boyfriend.
I groaned softly when I reached the double doors. I stood a few feet in front of them, just staring at them as if they had just spoken to me in French. I felt my stomach churning and flipping, giving me a sickly feeling inside. I felt like I was about to throw up. I couldn't do it. I can't go home. But where the fuck was I going to go? Oh, fuck my life right now.
"Hey, man. Whatcha just staring at doors for?" One of my friends I met through John named Kyle came up beside me and clapped a pale hand on my shoulder and shook me from my thoughts. I looked back at him and shrugged.
"Thought they'd attack me, ya know?" I smiled weakly and prayed to God he didn't notice my reluctance to go home. Thankfully he didn't and just laughed at me. I had to smile and chuckle at his overly happy self.
"I know what you're saying. Vicky-T complained how last year they hit her in the ass and caused her to fall right into the arms of college pimp Gabe Spaporta. They're totally dangerous, bro." He was mocking me in a way, but I paid no attention to it. Kyle's always been that way. "Say, you think John Ohh would mind if I stole you away for a little while to go grab some coffee and grub?"
Without thinking, I spoke. "Not at all. Who's going?"
"You're not gunna, like, text him and tell him you'll be late. I know what ya'lls schedules used to be and how he hated for it to be delayed." He winked at me in a knowing way. I felt my cheeks flush and I flipped him off. He laughed some more.
Besides, that part of our lives won't happen anymore once he learns I'm pregnant.
[-]
The moment I stepped through the door of my apartment, I was met with the smell of something good. It smelled like grilled chicken with some seasonings that filled the whole room. I took in a deep breath and smiled. I had that feeling that this would be the last time I came home to an already cooked meal. That thought depressed me a little and brought down my mood.
"Oh, hey, babe. You're just in time. Dinner's almost ready." John came around the corner with nothing but a pair of low rise jeans on and came up to me and gave me a simple yet sweet kiss to my lips. I kissed back, savoring the moment as much as I possibly could.
I pulled away and followed him to the kitchen. I stood next to him at the counter and watched him as he moved about, getting two plates out and two glasses and setting them on the counter next to the oven and sink. Our apartment was one of the nicer looking ones in this complex. It had bigger rooms and the walls weren't that boring baige color all other apartments are. We could actually paint our walls and change the carpet. I was hoping that if John was okay with having a family, we could start looking for an actual house nearby. That would be good. But we're taking this in baby steps. Literally.
"It looks really good, baby. I can't wait to eat it." He looked over and smiled brightly at me. I won't be seeing that long and it saddens me even more. I know Alex told me that things would work out and that John won't freak out, but how does he know? He told me to keep a positive attitude, but how can I when my gut is yelling at me? I sighed. Fucking fairy tales making people believe things ended up happy.
"What's wrong, baby? You look a bit down. How are your classes going?" God, he was too caring. He cares so much about how I'm feeling. Maybe Alex was right to begin with...
I smiled sweetly at my boyfriend. "My classes are going fine. I'm fine. Just some things have been on my mind lately."
"Well, good for you, dinner's ready and we can talk about whatever's on your mind," he said, and scooped some yummy looking food onto the two plates next to him. Anxiety filled my core. I had to tell him. I couldn't lie to him. I hate lying to him.
He handed me my plate of food and with a slightly shaky hand, I took it from him. He didn't notice my shaking body. Good. I went to the table and sat down in my normal seat and waited for John to come over. I could barely keep a hold of my fork; my hands were becoming clammy.
He finally sat down in front of me, and handed me a glass of water. I smiled at him and looked down before I could see him return it. If I saw it then it would just make this more difficult and be more painful when he leaves. I have plenty of moments I can remember from our good times to keep me going. I took a small bite of food, having already lost my want for food, and chewed slowly. I kept my eyes set downward and didn't look up at him.
"Babe, what's wrong? You're starting to worry me. Are you sick?" he asked. The concern was so noticeable in his voice and I finally looked up through my black bangs to see him properly. His eyebrows scrunched together in obvious worry and for some strange reason, I didn't want that look there. I didn't want the look of worry on his face directed at me. My anxiety was being slowly replaced by anger and annoyance. Why must he act like this when he'll just up and leave as soon as I give him the news that I'm carrying his child?
"I... I actually do feel kinda sick," I muttered. This was it. I was going to drop the bomb on him. And it would all blow up in my face afterward.
"Well, what's wrong? You can tell me anything, babe," he murmured. The word 'babe' didn't sit well with me. I didn't want him calling me that right now.
"Don't call me that," I muttered quietly. He looked at me funny. He didn't understand. Well of course he doesn't understand, you haven't explained anything to him!
"What are you talking about, Jack?" he asked slowly. He set his fork down gently and stared at me. He knew something bad was coming, how could he not when I was so tense and ready to burst? It was obvious to anyone.
I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly through my nose. "What I mean is, you won't be calling me that once I tell you something I should have told you the first day I found out." My voice was shaky and on the verge of cracking.
"Jack, you're scaring me. What do you mean -"
"I'm pregnant!" I blurted out. I shut my eyes tightly as the room went silent except for the television in the living room. I didn't dare look at him. I didn't want to look up into the face that would have disgust and hate written on it right now.
"You're... pregnant?" John spoke slowly and he spoke as if he wanted me to repeat it in hopes that I didn't say what he thought I said.
"Yes, I am. I am six weeks pregnant, John," I sighed and wrung my hands under the table. "With you're child."
Seconds turned to minutes with the silence that followed my words. I instantly regretted telling him. I regretted everything. At this very moment I didn't want this child anymore. I wanted it gone. My relationship with John just ended with those uttered words.
"Jack, I -" He started to say, but had to stop to swallow thickly and regain his words. "Jack, how can you sit there and tell me you're six weeks pregnant? That's not a very funny joke, ya know? You're kidding with me, right? You have to be kidding me."
I shook my head meekly. "No, it's true. I'm pregnant and you're the dad -"
"I'm not the father of anything," he snapped sharply. I stared at him. Did - did he really just tell me that?
"B- But, John, it is your child. You know I wouldn't cheat on you. It can't be anyone else's!" I tried desperately to reason with him. No use. He shook his head, and stood. "Where are you going?"
"Away from here for a little while," he said sharply. He wouldn't even look at me right now.
"John, look at me please. Don't leave me now. I can't do this on my own. It's your fucking child!" I exclaimed, exasperated.
"Well I fucking told you I didn't want a child, and yet here you are, pregnant! I don't want a child with you. I love you, Jack, but I don't want a child with you. Not right now. I'm too young for that and I don't want to be tied down this early."
I stood there with my mouth gaped. That fucking hurt. I was willing to have a child with him, hell, I wanted a child with him. But he didn't want a child with me. He didn't love me enough to want a family with me. I was in so much shock I couldn't even cry. I couldn't even force myself to cry.
"S- So that's it? This is all ending because I got pregnant by you! You fucking dickhead. How can you sit there and tell me that? I fucking love you enough to keep this baby and take care of it with you! God, I was so damn stupid to believe any word that came out of your mouth the past year. It was all fucking lies!" I was crying out of anger now. If I had something to throw, I would have thrown it at him.
"You know that's not true, Jack. I do fucking love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life, but I'm not ready to be tied down and raise a child, Jack. I'm too young. If I were older, fine. But I'm only in my twenties, Jack," he said.
"You think I wanted to be pregnant this early too? You think I want this right now? News flash: I don't. I'm twenty-two for fucks sake. You think I wanted a child that early? No, I didn't. I was hoping it would have been later on down the road but it's not and there's not a damned thing I can do about it!"
"Abortion, Jack. Not that hard," he said, monotonously. I stared at him in disbelief. What the fuck? Does he really think I'm for that?
I laughed. "No. That will never be an option for me, John. I promised myself that if I ever got pregnant or got someone pregnant, I would stick with it. I would take responsibility for my actions. And I'm not backing out of this, even if you are," I nearly growled.
"I can't deal with this right now, Jack. I'll call you... at some point. Bye." He grabbed his car keys and the hoodie I bought him for Christmas last year and left the apartment. When it clicked shut, that's when I lost it. I didn't see the point in running out after him. I can't right now. Tears flowed freely and I didn't bother to stop them. I put a hand on my stomach and went to the nearest wall, slid down and cried into my hands.
Fuck Alex. Fuck John. Fuck everything. Fuck my life. My heart felt like it was in pieces and the pieces were falling down around me like rain. I'll pick them up later; when I have a reason to.