Top 50 Friends Episodes
For March's challenge at picspammy.
Last month when it was announced that March's theme would be Top 50, I immediately knew what I wanted to do. Thinking it and actually doing it are two completely different things. My top 20 was easy - but then it got significantly harder. I started moving episodes up and down, taking them out, looking at my dvds for ideas. I sent the list to a few people and they all sent back lists of episodes I couldn't believe I'd forgotten to include. I wanted to make sure I had chosen episodes for overall enjoyment and not just episodes where I liked a moment or one storyline. I love Friends, it's my favorite show ever and choosing just 50 out of 236 episodes is really hard, so I hope you enjoy my list anyway. Oh and this took freaking forever to do. It was not as easy as I thought it was going to be to put together.
50. the one with the pediatrician
Joey: I can't believe you guys are moving.
[pause]
Phoebe: I call their apartment!
Joey, Rachel and Ross: Noooooo!
---
49. the one with the cake
Chandler: Hi Emma! It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?
Monica: We're Aunt Monica and uncle Chandler, by the way. You may not recognize us, because we haven't spoken to your parents in seventeen years!
Chandler: We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled. Because of you! Happy Birthday.
---
48. the one with the monkey
Rachel: Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle--oh, is everybody having fun at the party? Are people eating my dip?
---
47. the one with the jellyfish
Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn’t. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: Joey kept screaming at me, “Do it now! Do it! Do it! Do it now!” Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming.
Joey: That’s ‘cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.
---
46. the one hundreth
Phoebe: Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong. This is. Oh, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives! Well, if you're gonna cry...
---
45. the one in vegas (2)
Rachel: Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y'know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!
[knock on the door]
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers!
---
44. the one where joey loses his insurance
Ross: [in British accent] Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when- [sees Monica and Rachel] Oh bloody hell.
---
43. the one with all the resolutions
Phoebe: Y'know none of my other students thought I was stupid.
Joey: Your other student, was you!
Phoebe: Yeah, well, y'know maybe you just need to try a little harder!
Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!
---
42. the one with the apocathery table
Ross: I still can’t believe she hates Pottery Barn!
Rachel: Ross, get over it! It’s not like she hates you.
Ross: Yeah but Pottery Barn! Y’know what I think? It’s just she’s weird. Y’know it’s because she’s a twin. Twins are weird.
Rachel: Ross, she’s not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a kind.
Ross: Huh. Y’know what’s not one of a kind? A twin!
---
41. the one with the male nanny
Ross: It was hard. I remember I was in my bedroom playing with my dinosaurs- playing and learning- and my father walks in and says: "What are you doing with those things? What's wrong with you, why aren't you... why aren't you outside playing like a... like a real boy?
Sandy: But you are a real boy!
Ross: I know I am! And when it's summer, and it's hot, why can't you wear a tank top?
---
40. the last one
Phoebe: Hey, do you realise that at one time or another we all lived in this apartment?
Monica: Oh, yeah, that's true.
Ross: Uh, I haven't.
Monica: Wait a minute. What about that summer during college that you lived with grandma, and you tried to make it as a dancer?
Ross: Do you realise we almost made it ten years without that coming up?
---
39. the one with the baby shower
Joey: Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don’t you tell us a little something about you, Ross?
Ross: Well uh, I’m a paleontologist. Umm, I live in New York. I have a son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! And uh…
Joey: I said a little bit, Ross. Now, how about you, Chandler?
Chandler: Well Joey, I’m a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin!
---
38. the one where they all turn thirty
Rachel: [reading her birthday card] Happy birthday Grandma! It’s better to be over the hill... than buried under it! All our love, Monica and Chandler. That’s funny, yeah!
Chandler: No-no-no-no! That was the joke!
Rachel: No, I know! I get it! It’s funny!
Chandler: No, because you’re not a grandmother!
Rachel: No, I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don’t have any of those things. That’s why it’s so funny.
Monica: [to Chandler] All you had to do was buy the card!
---
37. the one with joey's porsche
Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable.
Ross: Fine, I’m mentally unstable.
Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack.
Ross: Crack isn’t even an intravenous drug!
Rachel: Well, you would know.
Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage?
Ross: Oh, come on!
Rachel: Ross, please, I found the magazines!
Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you’re gay and addicted to heroin.
---
36. the one where ross can't flirt
Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15.
Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys.
Caitlin: What?!
Ross: The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.
Caitlin: Oh. Thanks.
Ross: You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.
---
35. the one on the last night
Rachel: You know what else I’m not gonna miss? "I’m Monica. I wash the toilet 17 times a day. Even if people are on it!"
Monica: "Hi I’m Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I’d better wash it and shrink it!"
Rachel: "I’m Monica, I don’t get phone messages from interesting people. Ever!"
Phoebe: Hey! I call her!
Monica: "Oh my God, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross!"
Rachel: "Oh my God, I can’t find a boyfriend! So I guess I’ll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!"
---
34. the one with the rumor
Rachel: Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year, "Dear Rach, you’re such a good person." Not girl! Person!
Ross: Rach, I think you’re reading a little too much into it.
Rachel: "Dear Rach, you’re a great person. Sorry about your teeny-wienie."
Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn’t true?!
Rachel: Yes!
Will: Could you also tell them I’m skinny now?
Monica: Oh! Me too!
---
33. the one where phoebe runs
Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar.
Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.
Ross: They don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you.
Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.
Ross: I'm never gonna find love again.
---
32. the one with the girl who hits joey
Phoebe: Obviously I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things. I just thought if I kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and defend everyone and then you could look like the hero.
Ross: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that.
---
31. the one with phoebe's birthday dinner
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no-no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird’s aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby on its talon. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirl pool, that fills the apartment.
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that’s true.
---
30. the one with ross' tan
Assistant: Alright Mr. Geller! Right this way! So, how dark do you wanna be? We have one, two or three.
Ross: Well... I like how you look, what are you?
Assistant: Puerto Rican.
---
29. the one with all the poker
Phoebe: Oh I see, so then, you were lying.
Joey: About what?
Phoebe: About how good your cards were.
Joey: I was bluffing.
Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying?
---
28. the one where rosita dies
Mr. Geller: Well, I don’t know what’s in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica: I used to love to play restaurant.
Ross: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater.
Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies!
---
27. the one with the lottery
Ross: Uh, you're not gonna win.
Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we're gonna be all like "oh everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the cape" and you're gonna be all like "oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai"
Ross: Ok, I've heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that.
Chandler: I can see the headline now: "Lottery winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm."
Ross: Why would I eat my own arm?
Chandler: Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want.
---
26. the one with the two parties
Ross: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?
Monica: You wanna be in charge of the food committee?
Ross: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?
---
25. the one with unagi
Ross: Umm, hey, a couple of questions though. Umm, about that last move where the woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what would you do next?
The Instructor: Well, she would take her keys and try to jam them…
Ross: No. No. What would you do next?
The Instructor: Who? Me the attacker?
Ross: Yes that’s right.
The Instructor: Why?
Ross: I tried attacking two women, did not work.
The Instructor: What?!
Ross: No, I mean it’s okay, I mean, they’re my friends. In fact, I was married to one of them.
The Instructor: Let me get this straight, man, you attacked your ex-wife?!
Ross: Oh, no! No, I tried! But I couldn’t. That’s why I’m here. Maybe we could attack them together?
---
24. the one with the cop
Rachel: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch.
Ross: Then tell him quickly.
Rachel: Fine! We went out.
Ross: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!
Rachel: Ross! Oh my--ugh! You kept count?! You are such a loser!
Ross: A loser you did it with 298 times!
---
23. the one with the baby on the bus
Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.
Joey: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
---
22. the one with ross' innappropriate song
Bitsy: Phoebe, come sit. Tell us a little bit about yourself... So where are you from?
Phoebe: Well, okay. Originally I'm from upstate, but um, then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went to prison, so I just moved to the city where, um, I actually lived in a burned out Buick LeSabre for a while. Which was okay, that was okay, until, um, I got hepatitis, you know, 'cause this pimp spit in my mouth and... but I got over it and, um anyway, now I'm a freelance massage therapist, which, you know, isn't always steady money but at least I don't pay taxes, heh. [Posh accent] So... where does everyone summer?
---
21. the one with phoebe's wedding
Joey: [Godfather accent] Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family... and instead, you disrespect me. I cannot allow this.
Mike: Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie?
Joey: More back talk. And yes, I may be borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition for "Family Honor 2: Thissa Time Itsa Personal."
---
20. the one with the routine
Rachel: Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats.
Phoebe: Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cos they're all crap!
Chandler: Those are my gifts, I got them for you.
Phoebe: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler, they're great!
Rachel: Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing?
Chandler: Those are book ends! That's a great gift!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz.
---
19. the one with chandler and monica's wedding (1 & 2)
Ross: Umm, now what I’m going to say to you, I’m not saying as your friend. Okay? I’m-I’m saying as it as Monica’s older brother.
Chandler: But you’re still my friend?
Ross: Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler: During this time…are you, are you still my best man?
Ross: Nope.
Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?
Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and I couldn’t be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica’s older brother I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! [Chandler laughs] What? I’m-I’m-I’m serious! [Chandler laughs harder] Come-Hey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I’m not kidding here!
Chandler: Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.
Ross: No problem.
Chandler: So are we... friends again?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay. [Pause] You won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me!
---
18. the one where they're up all night
Ross: Well, we’re just gonna have to jump. Yeah. Now, we’re gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? Not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there... you go up to the roof and you let me in.
Joey: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?!
Ross: Yeah! Oh yeah, you’ll be fine! It-it’ll be uh, just like bungy jumping. Y’know? But instead of bouncing back up you-you won’t.
Joey: What if I smack my head on the concrete?
Ross: Well, I’m gonna lie to you Joey, it’s a possibility.
---
17. the one where ross got high
Monica: And Dad, y’know that mailman that you got fired? He didn’t steal your Playboys! Ross did!
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing, Monica did!
Monica: Ross hasn’t worked at the museum for a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got divorced - again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey: I wanna gooooooo!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in 30 seconds.
---
16. the one with all the rugby
Chandler: I can’t stand the woman!
Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her!
Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality? Well, they’re all back! Y’know? And she’s picked up like nine new ones!
Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There’s people here!
---
15. the one where eddie won't go
Chandler: Ding dong, the psycho's gone.
Monica: Are you sure this time?
Chandler: Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!
Eddie: [enters] Check it out man, I tore it off some mannaquin in the alley behind Macy's.
Monica: There is no alley behind Macy's.
---
14. the one with five steaks and an eggplant
Chandler: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something.
Jade: Yes?
Chandler: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
Jade: How did you--?
Chandler: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?
Jade: Thanks.
Chandler: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.
---
13. the one with the boobies
Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts.
Rachel: Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please?
Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her boobies, these are her breasts.
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.
Rachel: Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice.
Chandler: Okay, rock, hard place... me.
---
12. the one with the cuffs
Rachel: What if I cleaned your bathroom for a month?
Chandler: It still wouldn’t be clean. All I want is my freedom.
Rachel: Foot rubs for a month!
Chandler: Freedom!
Rachel: I’ll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums!
Chandler: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won’t you hear me?!
---
11. the one where everybody finds out
Chandler: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?
Monica: Relax, she's gonna give in way before you do!
Chandler: How do you know?!
Monica: Because you're on my team! And my team always wins!
Chandler: At this?!
---
10. the one where emma cries
Joey: Name? I know Ross but what’s it short for? You know like Rossel or Rosstepher.
Ross: Just Ross!
Joey: It’s pretty. Okay, date of birth?
Ross: You know my birthday.
Joey: Sure, May...tember.
Ross: October 18th.
Joey: Occupation? Dinosaurs.
Ross: Actually I’m a paleon… Dinosaurs is fine. The drawing is not.
---
09. the one where ross is fine
Ross: Hey, hey, hey... If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. [High voice] I'm fine!
Joey: Really?
Ross: Absolutely. [High voice] I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, [deep voice] I'm fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like [screams] But now that I've had time to absorb it; lovin' this.
Joey: Ross...
Ross: It's all working out! Me & Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do?
Rachel: Calm ourselves?
Ross: No. We should all have dinner. Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!
Joey: Look, don't you think that will be a little weird?
Ross: Weird? What? What's weird? The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making fajitas!
Joey: I do like fajitas.
---
08. the one where the stripper cries
Gene: You put this in your coffee.
Joey: A spoon. Your hands. Your face!
Gene: It's white!
Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost!
Gene: It's heavier then milk!
Joey: A rock, a dog, the earth.
Gene: Pass! You put this on a sandwich.
Joey: Salami, anchovies, jam!
Gene: It's white!
Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost!
Gene: It's made from eggs!
Joey: Chickens?
---
07. the one with the holiday armadillo
Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?
Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
---
06. the one with the embryos
Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?
Monica: Maurice.
Ross: Correct, his profession was?
Rachel: Space cowboy!
Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing’s job?
Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers.
Monica: And processing.
Rachel: He carries a briefcase.
Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
Monica: It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding.
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce-transpondster!
Monica: That’s not even a word!
---
05. the one the morning after
Joey: You think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well y'know, I’ve been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a ‘take notice’ walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?
---
04. the one with the football
Chandler: No ah, hold on a second, Joe, where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Joey: Nice try. See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.
---
03. the one where no-one's ready
Joey: You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!
Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...
Chandler: [Groans]
Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges.
---
02. the one with all the cheesecakes
Rachel: It's still there!
Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out.
Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she’ll be gone for months.
Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don’t want her to come back to bad cheesecake.
Rachel: No that could kill her.
Chandler: Well, we don’t want that.
Rachel: No so we’re protecting her.
Chandler: But we should take it.
Rachel: But we should move quick.
Chandler: Why?
Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there.
---
01. the one with chandler in a box
Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you and Richard’s son, you’d be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but: married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, livin’ in a box!
Rachel: So now, what exactly is the point of the box?
Joey: Chandler?
Chandler: The meaning of the box is three fold. One: it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two: it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three: it hurts!
---
the end.
Last month when it was announced that March's theme would be Top 50, I immediately knew what I wanted to do. Thinking it and actually doing it are two completely different things. My top 20 was easy - but then it got significantly harder. I started moving episodes up and down, taking them out, looking at my dvds for ideas. I sent the list to a few people and they all sent back lists of episodes I couldn't believe I'd forgotten to include. I wanted to make sure I had chosen episodes for overall enjoyment and not just episodes where I liked a moment or one storyline. I love Friends, it's my favorite show ever and choosing just 50 out of 236 episodes is really hard, so I hope you enjoy my list anyway. Oh and this took freaking forever to do. It was not as easy as I thought it was going to be to put together.
50. the one with the pediatrician
Joey: I can't believe you guys are moving.
[pause]
Phoebe: I call their apartment!
Joey, Rachel and Ross: Noooooo!
---
49. the one with the cake
Chandler: Hi Emma! It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?
Monica: We're Aunt Monica and uncle Chandler, by the way. You may not recognize us, because we haven't spoken to your parents in seventeen years!
Chandler: We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled. Because of you! Happy Birthday.
---
48. the one with the monkey
Rachel: Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle--oh, is everybody having fun at the party? Are people eating my dip?
---
47. the one with the jellyfish
Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn’t. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: Joey kept screaming at me, “Do it now! Do it! Do it! Do it now!” Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming.
Joey: That’s ‘cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.
---
46. the one hundreth
Phoebe: Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong. This is. Oh, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives! Well, if you're gonna cry...
---
45. the one in vegas (2)
Rachel: Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y'know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!
[knock on the door]
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers!
---
44. the one where joey loses his insurance
Ross: [in British accent] Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when- [sees Monica and Rachel] Oh bloody hell.
---
43. the one with all the resolutions
Phoebe: Y'know none of my other students thought I was stupid.
Joey: Your other student, was you!
Phoebe: Yeah, well, y'know maybe you just need to try a little harder!
Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!
---
42. the one with the apocathery table
Ross: I still can’t believe she hates Pottery Barn!
Rachel: Ross, get over it! It’s not like she hates you.
Ross: Yeah but Pottery Barn! Y’know what I think? It’s just she’s weird. Y’know it’s because she’s a twin. Twins are weird.
Rachel: Ross, she’s not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a kind.
Ross: Huh. Y’know what’s not one of a kind? A twin!
---
41. the one with the male nanny
Ross: It was hard. I remember I was in my bedroom playing with my dinosaurs- playing and learning- and my father walks in and says: "What are you doing with those things? What's wrong with you, why aren't you... why aren't you outside playing like a... like a real boy?
Sandy: But you are a real boy!
Ross: I know I am! And when it's summer, and it's hot, why can't you wear a tank top?
---
40. the last one
Phoebe: Hey, do you realise that at one time or another we all lived in this apartment?
Monica: Oh, yeah, that's true.
Ross: Uh, I haven't.
Monica: Wait a minute. What about that summer during college that you lived with grandma, and you tried to make it as a dancer?
Ross: Do you realise we almost made it ten years without that coming up?
---
39. the one with the baby shower
Joey: Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don’t you tell us a little something about you, Ross?
Ross: Well uh, I’m a paleontologist. Umm, I live in New York. I have a son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! And uh…
Joey: I said a little bit, Ross. Now, how about you, Chandler?
Chandler: Well Joey, I’m a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin!
---
38. the one where they all turn thirty
Rachel: [reading her birthday card] Happy birthday Grandma! It’s better to be over the hill... than buried under it! All our love, Monica and Chandler. That’s funny, yeah!
Chandler: No-no-no-no! That was the joke!
Rachel: No, I know! I get it! It’s funny!
Chandler: No, because you’re not a grandmother!
Rachel: No, I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don’t have any of those things. That’s why it’s so funny.
Monica: [to Chandler] All you had to do was buy the card!
---
37. the one with joey's porsche
Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable.
Ross: Fine, I’m mentally unstable.
Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack.
Ross: Crack isn’t even an intravenous drug!
Rachel: Well, you would know.
Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage?
Ross: Oh, come on!
Rachel: Ross, please, I found the magazines!
Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you’re gay and addicted to heroin.
---
36. the one where ross can't flirt
Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15.
Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys.
Caitlin: What?!
Ross: The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.
Caitlin: Oh. Thanks.
Ross: You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.
---
35. the one on the last night
Rachel: You know what else I’m not gonna miss? "I’m Monica. I wash the toilet 17 times a day. Even if people are on it!"
Monica: "Hi I’m Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I’d better wash it and shrink it!"
Rachel: "I’m Monica, I don’t get phone messages from interesting people. Ever!"
Phoebe: Hey! I call her!
Monica: "Oh my God, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross!"
Rachel: "Oh my God, I can’t find a boyfriend! So I guess I’ll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!"
---
34. the one with the rumor
Rachel: Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year, "Dear Rach, you’re such a good person." Not girl! Person!
Ross: Rach, I think you’re reading a little too much into it.
Rachel: "Dear Rach, you’re a great person. Sorry about your teeny-wienie."
Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn’t true?!
Rachel: Yes!
Will: Could you also tell them I’m skinny now?
Monica: Oh! Me too!
---
33. the one where phoebe runs
Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar.
Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.
Ross: They don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you.
Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.
Ross: I'm never gonna find love again.
---
32. the one with the girl who hits joey
Phoebe: Obviously I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things. I just thought if I kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and defend everyone and then you could look like the hero.
Ross: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that.
---
31. the one with phoebe's birthday dinner
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no-no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird’s aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby on its talon. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirl pool, that fills the apartment.
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that’s true.
---
30. the one with ross' tan
Assistant: Alright Mr. Geller! Right this way! So, how dark do you wanna be? We have one, two or three.
Ross: Well... I like how you look, what are you?
Assistant: Puerto Rican.
---
29. the one with all the poker
Phoebe: Oh I see, so then, you were lying.
Joey: About what?
Phoebe: About how good your cards were.
Joey: I was bluffing.
Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying?
---
28. the one where rosita dies
Mr. Geller: Well, I don’t know what’s in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica: I used to love to play restaurant.
Ross: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater.
Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies!
---
27. the one with the lottery
Ross: Uh, you're not gonna win.
Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we're gonna be all like "oh everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the cape" and you're gonna be all like "oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai"
Ross: Ok, I've heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that.
Chandler: I can see the headline now: "Lottery winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm."
Ross: Why would I eat my own arm?
Chandler: Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want.
---
26. the one with the two parties
Ross: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?
Monica: You wanna be in charge of the food committee?
Ross: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?
---
25. the one with unagi
Ross: Umm, hey, a couple of questions though. Umm, about that last move where the woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what would you do next?
The Instructor: Well, she would take her keys and try to jam them…
Ross: No. No. What would you do next?
The Instructor: Who? Me the attacker?
Ross: Yes that’s right.
The Instructor: Why?
Ross: I tried attacking two women, did not work.
The Instructor: What?!
Ross: No, I mean it’s okay, I mean, they’re my friends. In fact, I was married to one of them.
The Instructor: Let me get this straight, man, you attacked your ex-wife?!
Ross: Oh, no! No, I tried! But I couldn’t. That’s why I’m here. Maybe we could attack them together?
---
24. the one with the cop
Rachel: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch.
Ross: Then tell him quickly.
Rachel: Fine! We went out.
Ross: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!
Rachel: Ross! Oh my--ugh! You kept count?! You are such a loser!
Ross: A loser you did it with 298 times!
---
23. the one with the baby on the bus
Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.
Joey: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
---
22. the one with ross' innappropriate song
Bitsy: Phoebe, come sit. Tell us a little bit about yourself... So where are you from?
Phoebe: Well, okay. Originally I'm from upstate, but um, then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went to prison, so I just moved to the city where, um, I actually lived in a burned out Buick LeSabre for a while. Which was okay, that was okay, until, um, I got hepatitis, you know, 'cause this pimp spit in my mouth and... but I got over it and, um anyway, now I'm a freelance massage therapist, which, you know, isn't always steady money but at least I don't pay taxes, heh. [Posh accent] So... where does everyone summer?
---
21. the one with phoebe's wedding
Joey: [Godfather accent] Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family... and instead, you disrespect me. I cannot allow this.
Mike: Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie?
Joey: More back talk. And yes, I may be borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition for "Family Honor 2: Thissa Time Itsa Personal."
---
20. the one with the routine
Rachel: Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats.
Phoebe: Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cos they're all crap!
Chandler: Those are my gifts, I got them for you.
Phoebe: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler, they're great!
Rachel: Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing?
Chandler: Those are book ends! That's a great gift!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz.
---
19. the one with chandler and monica's wedding (1 & 2)
Ross: Umm, now what I’m going to say to you, I’m not saying as your friend. Okay? I’m-I’m saying as it as Monica’s older brother.
Chandler: But you’re still my friend?
Ross: Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler: During this time…are you, are you still my best man?
Ross: Nope.
Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?
Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and I couldn’t be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica’s older brother I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! [Chandler laughs] What? I’m-I’m-I’m serious! [Chandler laughs harder] Come-Hey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I’m not kidding here!
Chandler: Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.
Ross: No problem.
Chandler: So are we... friends again?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay. [Pause] You won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me!
---
18. the one where they're up all night
Ross: Well, we’re just gonna have to jump. Yeah. Now, we’re gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? Not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there... you go up to the roof and you let me in.
Joey: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?!
Ross: Yeah! Oh yeah, you’ll be fine! It-it’ll be uh, just like bungy jumping. Y’know? But instead of bouncing back up you-you won’t.
Joey: What if I smack my head on the concrete?
Ross: Well, I’m gonna lie to you Joey, it’s a possibility.
---
17. the one where ross got high
Monica: And Dad, y’know that mailman that you got fired? He didn’t steal your Playboys! Ross did!
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing, Monica did!
Monica: Ross hasn’t worked at the museum for a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got divorced - again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey: I wanna gooooooo!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in 30 seconds.
---
16. the one with all the rugby
Chandler: I can’t stand the woman!
Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her!
Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality? Well, they’re all back! Y’know? And she’s picked up like nine new ones!
Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There’s people here!
---
15. the one where eddie won't go
Chandler: Ding dong, the psycho's gone.
Monica: Are you sure this time?
Chandler: Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!
Eddie: [enters] Check it out man, I tore it off some mannaquin in the alley behind Macy's.
Monica: There is no alley behind Macy's.
---
14. the one with five steaks and an eggplant
Chandler: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something.
Jade: Yes?
Chandler: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
Jade: How did you--?
Chandler: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?
Jade: Thanks.
Chandler: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.
---
13. the one with the boobies
Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts.
Rachel: Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please?
Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her boobies, these are her breasts.
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.
Rachel: Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice.
Chandler: Okay, rock, hard place... me.
---
12. the one with the cuffs
Rachel: What if I cleaned your bathroom for a month?
Chandler: It still wouldn’t be clean. All I want is my freedom.
Rachel: Foot rubs for a month!
Chandler: Freedom!
Rachel: I’ll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums!
Chandler: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won’t you hear me?!
---
11. the one where everybody finds out
Chandler: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?
Monica: Relax, she's gonna give in way before you do!
Chandler: How do you know?!
Monica: Because you're on my team! And my team always wins!
Chandler: At this?!
---
10. the one where emma cries
Joey: Name? I know Ross but what’s it short for? You know like Rossel or Rosstepher.
Ross: Just Ross!
Joey: It’s pretty. Okay, date of birth?
Ross: You know my birthday.
Joey: Sure, May...tember.
Ross: October 18th.
Joey: Occupation? Dinosaurs.
Ross: Actually I’m a paleon… Dinosaurs is fine. The drawing is not.
---
09. the one where ross is fine
Ross: Hey, hey, hey... If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. [High voice] I'm fine!
Joey: Really?
Ross: Absolutely. [High voice] I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, [deep voice] I'm fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like [screams] But now that I've had time to absorb it; lovin' this.
Joey: Ross...
Ross: It's all working out! Me & Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do?
Rachel: Calm ourselves?
Ross: No. We should all have dinner. Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!
Joey: Look, don't you think that will be a little weird?
Ross: Weird? What? What's weird? The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making fajitas!
Joey: I do like fajitas.
---
08. the one where the stripper cries
Gene: You put this in your coffee.
Joey: A spoon. Your hands. Your face!
Gene: It's white!
Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost!
Gene: It's heavier then milk!
Joey: A rock, a dog, the earth.
Gene: Pass! You put this on a sandwich.
Joey: Salami, anchovies, jam!
Gene: It's white!
Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost!
Gene: It's made from eggs!
Joey: Chickens?
---
07. the one with the holiday armadillo
Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?
Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
---
06. the one with the embryos
Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?
Monica: Maurice.
Ross: Correct, his profession was?
Rachel: Space cowboy!
Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing’s job?
Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers.
Monica: And processing.
Rachel: He carries a briefcase.
Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
Monica: It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding.
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce-transpondster!
Monica: That’s not even a word!
---
05. the one the morning after
Joey: You think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well y'know, I’ve been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a ‘take notice’ walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?
---
04. the one with the football
Chandler: No ah, hold on a second, Joe, where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Joey: Nice try. See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.
---
03. the one where no-one's ready
Joey: You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!
Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...
Chandler: [Groans]
Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges.
---
02. the one with all the cheesecakes
Rachel: It's still there!
Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out.
Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she’ll be gone for months.
Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don’t want her to come back to bad cheesecake.
Rachel: No that could kill her.
Chandler: Well, we don’t want that.
Rachel: No so we’re protecting her.
Chandler: But we should take it.
Rachel: But we should move quick.
Chandler: Why?
Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there.
---
01. the one with chandler in a box
Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you and Richard’s son, you’d be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but: married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, livin’ in a box!
Rachel: So now, what exactly is the point of the box?
Joey: Chandler?
Chandler: The meaning of the box is three fold. One: it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two: it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three: it hurts!
---
the end.