Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on.
Okay so I'm battling my neuroticism and not studying anymore today. I know this shit, and it's all going to depend upon the exam period and how well I can articulate all these ideas. I'm going to review a little every day so I don't have to cram; but I'm not going to go crazy worrying about it. At least not until Monday.
So the weeks' been pretty sucky, overall. First of all there's the girl problems, which never make life easier. I love how I've got myself on such a well-timed cycle. :-\ I've been aboslutely exhausted, feeling disgusting, and going to bed at like 10;30 every night because of the intensity of my headaches.
I'm sure its not just that that's getting to me. I mean, that was clear in acting class last Tuesday when I ended up crying during our self-evaluations, realizing that if anything I've digressed rather than improved not only in terms of my acting but in terms of who I am as a person. I couldnt' think of anything to say at first, and so I said something about it being okay to have no idea as to who you are or what you want and that you can take all the time you need.
I keep telling myself that, but do I believe it? In our society and world, no. It's all about action, making decisions- should you sit by inactively and let the world pass you by you're going to try to get on it and you're going to be too late- your seat will already have been taken by someone else.
I mean, I know that's not completley true. But it's hard to not believe it when all you can hear from everyone you speak to is the intensity of their summer plans, consisting of a combination of internships, jobs, classes, and training for a success they're not even guarenteed to have.
Blah.
The more I think about it, the more pointless I see preparation. I don't know. I spent two fuckign years working my ass off in order to get good grades, and although I'll have a great GPA to put down next to my education at Emerson College on my future resume, in reality it's meaningless. I mean, okay, great preparation for the future, great demonstration of good work ethic, etc etc. But really? I feel cheated. Wasted. Especially after having to take those bullshit costumes and crafts classes.
But I digress. Ha, that's ironic. In terms of crying during my acting class- ever since our Ensemble performance on Monday, whatever certainty I had resting behind my decision to leave has suddenly evaporated, and the door has once again been opened and the rays of doubt resting behind that door of opened uncertainty are suddenly shining all over my fucking being. Its like, I think about it and I really think I'm going to vomit.
I can't shake this feeling that I"m going to regret this decision.
but I can't shake the feeling that I'll regret staying if I go back on my decision.
I just...I know I have a passion for theater. If I didn't I wouldn't feel the way I do when I perform- but that has gotten lost, displaced, for some reason in the past year. Okay so the NJ schools don't really have that many opportunities- its not like Emerson. Which could be good or bad- the lack of theatrical emphasis might give me more opportunities that will allow me to grow/improve in the ways I need/want to. Or the limited opportunity could keep me from doing what I love to do. I don't know I dont' know I don't know.
It just sucks. I wonder if I had auditioned for Emerson Stage if I would've gotten in. Three callbacks in my past...I don't know.
This week has not been a good week. I'm trying not to think; I'm trying not to worry, but I can't help it.
I'm going to miss people so much; I'm goign to miss this city so much; I'm going to miss aspects of this school so much.
But I can't forget how I've felt since I've been here this year.
Regardless of whether or not its Emerson, I know I need a change. I just hope the change will bring improvement, growth, rather than further limitation.
I know I think too much. And I hate myself for it. Blahhhhhhh.
I JUST NEED TO STOP CARING SO MUCH ABOUT EVERYTHING.
Well I'm looking forward to the summer. I'll be around people my age. I just have to go in with a positive attitude and not let myself get psyched out.
somehow I have to teach myself that the world is not out to get me and that people don't hate me, because I'm just so consumed with these feelings of self-consciousness and self-doubt and they're starting to affect everything I do and every relationship I attempt to form. I think that's why acting has become so hard for me; I question every word I say and every move I make rather than just going with it. I do work because I don't think people want to hang out with me, and I'd rather not have my fears get proven.
But the more I spend time and open up to people, the more I see that the opposite is true.
And I know this.
But why can't I like integrate it into my acitons, thoughts, and speech?
I need people, and I know that. I just have to get over myself; get out of my own way and allow people to get through to me.
I'm so fucking sick of being sad all the time.
I have a feeling my life is going to end up where it's supposed to be. I know, in my heart, that if I'm meant to act I will act whether or not I stay at Emerson. I know it. And I have a feeling my future is going to somehow rest in the theatrical realm- I just have to figure out where I fit in the scheme of things.
I just need to trust my instincts, right?
I feel like a piece of my heart is getting ripped from my chest. I know that sounds dramatic, but this experience is so much more intense than I expected it to be. I'm getting really scared.
So the weeks' been pretty sucky, overall. First of all there's the girl problems, which never make life easier. I love how I've got myself on such a well-timed cycle. :-\ I've been aboslutely exhausted, feeling disgusting, and going to bed at like 10;30 every night because of the intensity of my headaches.
I'm sure its not just that that's getting to me. I mean, that was clear in acting class last Tuesday when I ended up crying during our self-evaluations, realizing that if anything I've digressed rather than improved not only in terms of my acting but in terms of who I am as a person. I couldnt' think of anything to say at first, and so I said something about it being okay to have no idea as to who you are or what you want and that you can take all the time you need.
I keep telling myself that, but do I believe it? In our society and world, no. It's all about action, making decisions- should you sit by inactively and let the world pass you by you're going to try to get on it and you're going to be too late- your seat will already have been taken by someone else.
I mean, I know that's not completley true. But it's hard to not believe it when all you can hear from everyone you speak to is the intensity of their summer plans, consisting of a combination of internships, jobs, classes, and training for a success they're not even guarenteed to have.
Blah.
The more I think about it, the more pointless I see preparation. I don't know. I spent two fuckign years working my ass off in order to get good grades, and although I'll have a great GPA to put down next to my education at Emerson College on my future resume, in reality it's meaningless. I mean, okay, great preparation for the future, great demonstration of good work ethic, etc etc. But really? I feel cheated. Wasted. Especially after having to take those bullshit costumes and crafts classes.
But I digress. Ha, that's ironic. In terms of crying during my acting class- ever since our Ensemble performance on Monday, whatever certainty I had resting behind my decision to leave has suddenly evaporated, and the door has once again been opened and the rays of doubt resting behind that door of opened uncertainty are suddenly shining all over my fucking being. Its like, I think about it and I really think I'm going to vomit.
I can't shake this feeling that I"m going to regret this decision.
but I can't shake the feeling that I'll regret staying if I go back on my decision.
I just...I know I have a passion for theater. If I didn't I wouldn't feel the way I do when I perform- but that has gotten lost, displaced, for some reason in the past year. Okay so the NJ schools don't really have that many opportunities- its not like Emerson. Which could be good or bad- the lack of theatrical emphasis might give me more opportunities that will allow me to grow/improve in the ways I need/want to. Or the limited opportunity could keep me from doing what I love to do. I don't know I dont' know I don't know.
It just sucks. I wonder if I had auditioned for Emerson Stage if I would've gotten in. Three callbacks in my past...I don't know.
This week has not been a good week. I'm trying not to think; I'm trying not to worry, but I can't help it.
I'm going to miss people so much; I'm goign to miss this city so much; I'm going to miss aspects of this school so much.
But I can't forget how I've felt since I've been here this year.
Regardless of whether or not its Emerson, I know I need a change. I just hope the change will bring improvement, growth, rather than further limitation.
I know I think too much. And I hate myself for it. Blahhhhhhh.
I JUST NEED TO STOP CARING SO MUCH ABOUT EVERYTHING.
Well I'm looking forward to the summer. I'll be around people my age. I just have to go in with a positive attitude and not let myself get psyched out.
somehow I have to teach myself that the world is not out to get me and that people don't hate me, because I'm just so consumed with these feelings of self-consciousness and self-doubt and they're starting to affect everything I do and every relationship I attempt to form. I think that's why acting has become so hard for me; I question every word I say and every move I make rather than just going with it. I do work because I don't think people want to hang out with me, and I'd rather not have my fears get proven.
But the more I spend time and open up to people, the more I see that the opposite is true.
And I know this.
But why can't I like integrate it into my acitons, thoughts, and speech?
I need people, and I know that. I just have to get over myself; get out of my own way and allow people to get through to me.
I'm so fucking sick of being sad all the time.
I have a feeling my life is going to end up where it's supposed to be. I know, in my heart, that if I'm meant to act I will act whether or not I stay at Emerson. I know it. And I have a feeling my future is going to somehow rest in the theatrical realm- I just have to figure out where I fit in the scheme of things.
I just need to trust my instincts, right?
I feel like a piece of my heart is getting ripped from my chest. I know that sounds dramatic, but this experience is so much more intense than I expected it to be. I'm getting really scared.