And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
I need to know everything is going to be okay.
I need to know that wherever I end up I'm going to be happier than I am now.
I need to know that this whole thing isn't one giant mistake that's going to bite me in the ass later on.
I'm so confused. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. I don't know what I want. And I'm so scared.
I hate living every day knowing that I'm not going to be with any of these people in this place next year, and hearing about everything that's going to be happen that I'll have absolutely no involvement in. I'm starting to preeminately feel regrets popping to the surface- and I just can't shake this feeling of failure that's starting to overwhelm me. I feel like I could have made this whole thing so much more if I had tried harder, if I had clicked faster and not allowed myself to fall away into the background. I don't know what happened this year, I just don't. Everything was fine, bearable, last year. I mean there were problems, but not enough to keep me from being psyched to return at the summer's end.
I'm going to miss Boston like crazy. I'm going to miss Meg, and Ken, and Janie's crazy attempts to get me out of my shell. I'm going to miss the LB (even the stupid gym and cafeteria), pan asia night, even my acting classes- I'm going to miss being able to leave the dorm building and be basically AT class, I'm going to miss being super close to every conveinence you could possibly hope for. I regret not taking more advantage of this city, Chinatown, Boston. I'm going to miss the commons in the fall/springtime- and seeing all the crazy things that happen to that damned pond(?). I'm going to miss the memories that every sight I have here brings to me- I'm going to be sad that I never got to perform in a mainstage production (esp on the Majestic theater).
I'm not going to miss feeling isolated and rejected, the extremity of the acting classes and some of the people in them, the lack of lit classes, the lack of campus, the lack of on-campus conveiniences/hours, the overhwhelming eccentricity of the majority of the student body, feeling like I have no friends, the loneliness, the boredom, etc.
I'm just scared that the negative shit I've accumulated this year is going to follow me in the fall.
I'm just scared that in a new environment I'm going to freak out and be even worse off than I am now.
I'm scared I'm not going to do theater anymore, or that this move is going to completely fuck up all my chances of a career in it. though I don't know if that's what I even want anymore.
I know I need a fresh start, I realize that. I just need to know where to make that start. I wish I could have stayed here; I'm comfortable (though complacency is something I've never really appreciated in myself or others), but I feel trapped, bored and stifled. Maybe I just got really unlucky and had a bad year just because of a variety of circumstances over which I had no control. I could stay in hopes that things will get better, but I feel like the past year has just destroyed my outlook on experiences here.
If it's between TCNJ(who has accepted me already) and Rutgers (who I'm assuming will accept me) I don't know what I'm going to pick. If I got into all my schools, I don'tk now which I woudl pick, either.
I feel like everyone is disappointed in me; and I feel incredibly disappointed in myself for all of this. I know I shouldn't tell myself I made I mistake and I know I shouldn't worry about making a mistake now, I just can't help it. I had such high hopes for myself at Emerson College and I just feel like the longer I live the more frustrated with life I get. But I can't give into that frustration and just settle; and that's why I'm transferring.
But is transferring settling, selling out, giving up? I don't know.
I know everyone is going to be disappointed in me if I go back to NJ. I promised myself I would get out. I Just feel like all my goals, are my dreams are flying out the window and I can no longer latch on to them.
I know if I go to Rutgers everyone is going to think I''m following Kyle. And this is what kills me. I'd love to be at the same school for him, and I can't say his being there isn't extra motivation- but it's also a deterrent. I love him so much, but if I ended up there, I know, like my Mom's been worrying and I'm sure everyone else is thinking, that I could very well just cling to him rather than force myself to get out there, meet people, and grow the way that I feel like I need to. If I did end up there, I know I would want to spend every second with him, but I would have to force myself not to. I'd have to force myself to spend time with the people on my floor/ my roomate (s), get involved in activities on my own, and just be without him- especially in the beginning. We had a lot of the same friends in high school, but I also had a huge group of friends that he wasn't close with at all-and he had the same- and I loved having that. You can't spend all your time with one person, or you'd go absolutely insane. At least I would. I've always said relationships should concist not of two dependents but two individuals who are dependent upon one another for certain things. I feel like I need to gain a level of independence which I seem to have lost- and I can't just go crying to him whenever something bad happens. Plus, if something happens and we broke up or had a fight I'd be completely fucked if I didn't have a life outside of him. I feel so weak lately and I need to force myself to get back some semblance of strength. Kyle, if you're reading this, please don't take offense to anything I'm writing. I love you so much, and I hope what I'm saying is making sense.
I just feel like everyone is going to see me as that pathetic girl who follows her boyfriend to college and I can't even begin to describe how sick that makes me feel. I love Kyle more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life, I promised myself I would never be that girl and I feel like everyone is going to think that if I do end up back in NJ. Especially Ms. Gormely. I feel like everyone is so fucking disappointed in me. I just want to know that I'm going to be okay wherever I end up- I just want to know I'm not throwing away all my career opportunities by leaving Emerson. I just want to know that I'm not going to flip my shit next fall wherever I end up.
I hate all this uncertainty; I hate seeing everyone making plans and having no fucking clue about anything for myself.
Most people here don't know I'm transferring. I can't talk about it, because it just seems to make everyone feel uncomfortable (especially me) but at the same time all I want to do is to talk to someone about it. I know it's not a huge ordeal, but it feels like it to me- I suck at starting over again. I'm so bad with new people/situations. I guess I just have to get over myself or else I'm going to be as I am now wherever I end up then. I'm going to get a job this summer where I have to be aroudn a lot of people and just force myself to get out of my shell. Try to fix up my sleeping habits. Try to limit the plummeting of my moods. I dont' know.
so yeah. to answer your questions: No, honestly I'm not okay. But I'm trying to be for my sake and for everyone else's. So I don't think about it. Because I can't think about it.
But I need to because the decision-making time is vastly approaching.
Got into TCNJ
Waiting on Rutgers (soon), Wellesley (April 17), BC/BU (late may/early June). I might have to make a deposit on one of the first three and then if I get into BC I might have to rethink my deicion.
I'm going to visit TCNJ next weekend. I'm planning on visiting and fully investigating (as much as my time crunch permits) each place I get in.
On the plus side, I have straight A's as of right now (incl. an A- in acting)- and I'm not that stressed because I'm psychotic and do things in advance. The last 2 weeks are going to be crazy with papers and exams, but for now I'm alright.
I can't believe we're leaving so soon.
I can't believe I'm not coming back.
I don't know what I believe about anything anymore.
I can't make any plans and that's what's killing me. Nothing's certain. I guess all the illusion of my control has finally dissipated from my life. I'm so vulnerable to everything right now and it's driving me crazy because I can't do anything about it.
I need to know that wherever I end up I'm going to be happier than I am now.
I need to know that this whole thing isn't one giant mistake that's going to bite me in the ass later on.
I'm so confused. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. I don't know what I want. And I'm so scared.
I hate living every day knowing that I'm not going to be with any of these people in this place next year, and hearing about everything that's going to be happen that I'll have absolutely no involvement in. I'm starting to preeminately feel regrets popping to the surface- and I just can't shake this feeling of failure that's starting to overwhelm me. I feel like I could have made this whole thing so much more if I had tried harder, if I had clicked faster and not allowed myself to fall away into the background. I don't know what happened this year, I just don't. Everything was fine, bearable, last year. I mean there were problems, but not enough to keep me from being psyched to return at the summer's end.
I'm going to miss Boston like crazy. I'm going to miss Meg, and Ken, and Janie's crazy attempts to get me out of my shell. I'm going to miss the LB (even the stupid gym and cafeteria), pan asia night, even my acting classes- I'm going to miss being able to leave the dorm building and be basically AT class, I'm going to miss being super close to every conveinence you could possibly hope for. I regret not taking more advantage of this city, Chinatown, Boston. I'm going to miss the commons in the fall/springtime- and seeing all the crazy things that happen to that damned pond(?). I'm going to miss the memories that every sight I have here brings to me- I'm going to be sad that I never got to perform in a mainstage production (esp on the Majestic theater).
I'm not going to miss feeling isolated and rejected, the extremity of the acting classes and some of the people in them, the lack of lit classes, the lack of campus, the lack of on-campus conveiniences/hours, the overhwhelming eccentricity of the majority of the student body, feeling like I have no friends, the loneliness, the boredom, etc.
I'm just scared that the negative shit I've accumulated this year is going to follow me in the fall.
I'm just scared that in a new environment I'm going to freak out and be even worse off than I am now.
I'm scared I'm not going to do theater anymore, or that this move is going to completely fuck up all my chances of a career in it. though I don't know if that's what I even want anymore.
I know I need a fresh start, I realize that. I just need to know where to make that start. I wish I could have stayed here; I'm comfortable (though complacency is something I've never really appreciated in myself or others), but I feel trapped, bored and stifled. Maybe I just got really unlucky and had a bad year just because of a variety of circumstances over which I had no control. I could stay in hopes that things will get better, but I feel like the past year has just destroyed my outlook on experiences here.
If it's between TCNJ(who has accepted me already) and Rutgers (who I'm assuming will accept me) I don't know what I'm going to pick. If I got into all my schools, I don'tk now which I woudl pick, either.
I feel like everyone is disappointed in me; and I feel incredibly disappointed in myself for all of this. I know I shouldn't tell myself I made I mistake and I know I shouldn't worry about making a mistake now, I just can't help it. I had such high hopes for myself at Emerson College and I just feel like the longer I live the more frustrated with life I get. But I can't give into that frustration and just settle; and that's why I'm transferring.
But is transferring settling, selling out, giving up? I don't know.
I know everyone is going to be disappointed in me if I go back to NJ. I promised myself I would get out. I Just feel like all my goals, are my dreams are flying out the window and I can no longer latch on to them.
I know if I go to Rutgers everyone is going to think I''m following Kyle. And this is what kills me. I'd love to be at the same school for him, and I can't say his being there isn't extra motivation- but it's also a deterrent. I love him so much, but if I ended up there, I know, like my Mom's been worrying and I'm sure everyone else is thinking, that I could very well just cling to him rather than force myself to get out there, meet people, and grow the way that I feel like I need to. If I did end up there, I know I would want to spend every second with him, but I would have to force myself not to. I'd have to force myself to spend time with the people on my floor/ my roomate (s), get involved in activities on my own, and just be without him- especially in the beginning. We had a lot of the same friends in high school, but I also had a huge group of friends that he wasn't close with at all-and he had the same- and I loved having that. You can't spend all your time with one person, or you'd go absolutely insane. At least I would. I've always said relationships should concist not of two dependents but two individuals who are dependent upon one another for certain things. I feel like I need to gain a level of independence which I seem to have lost- and I can't just go crying to him whenever something bad happens. Plus, if something happens and we broke up or had a fight I'd be completely fucked if I didn't have a life outside of him. I feel so weak lately and I need to force myself to get back some semblance of strength. Kyle, if you're reading this, please don't take offense to anything I'm writing. I love you so much, and I hope what I'm saying is making sense.
I just feel like everyone is going to see me as that pathetic girl who follows her boyfriend to college and I can't even begin to describe how sick that makes me feel. I love Kyle more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life, I promised myself I would never be that girl and I feel like everyone is going to think that if I do end up back in NJ. Especially Ms. Gormely. I feel like everyone is so fucking disappointed in me. I just want to know that I'm going to be okay wherever I end up- I just want to know I'm not throwing away all my career opportunities by leaving Emerson. I just want to know that I'm not going to flip my shit next fall wherever I end up.
I hate all this uncertainty; I hate seeing everyone making plans and having no fucking clue about anything for myself.
Most people here don't know I'm transferring. I can't talk about it, because it just seems to make everyone feel uncomfortable (especially me) but at the same time all I want to do is to talk to someone about it. I know it's not a huge ordeal, but it feels like it to me- I suck at starting over again. I'm so bad with new people/situations. I guess I just have to get over myself or else I'm going to be as I am now wherever I end up then. I'm going to get a job this summer where I have to be aroudn a lot of people and just force myself to get out of my shell. Try to fix up my sleeping habits. Try to limit the plummeting of my moods. I dont' know.
so yeah. to answer your questions: No, honestly I'm not okay. But I'm trying to be for my sake and for everyone else's. So I don't think about it. Because I can't think about it.
But I need to because the decision-making time is vastly approaching.
Got into TCNJ
Waiting on Rutgers (soon), Wellesley (April 17), BC/BU (late may/early June). I might have to make a deposit on one of the first three and then if I get into BC I might have to rethink my deicion.
I'm going to visit TCNJ next weekend. I'm planning on visiting and fully investigating (as much as my time crunch permits) each place I get in.
On the plus side, I have straight A's as of right now (incl. an A- in acting)- and I'm not that stressed because I'm psychotic and do things in advance. The last 2 weeks are going to be crazy with papers and exams, but for now I'm alright.
I can't believe we're leaving so soon.
I can't believe I'm not coming back.
I don't know what I believe about anything anymore.
I can't make any plans and that's what's killing me. Nothing's certain. I guess all the illusion of my control has finally dissipated from my life. I'm so vulnerable to everything right now and it's driving me crazy because I can't do anything about it.