...can i be ur memory...
...gotta love how quick things can get so complicated...
...talked to Jordan and told him about me being mad at him and whatever and how my strange mind works and i'm sure he will never understand me but then again i will never understand him but on completely different levels. Everything that happened in the convo. is exactly what i thought i was going to happen, no more, no less...but i finally realized that i don't have to like the same things as he does...i think it's for the best that i actually don't like the same things as him, i don't think that would get me too far either but i think i'm just trying to push something that doesn't exist and i'm sure most people would just give up by this point but i'm sure i will try to get something out of it, i'm such a fool like that...y do i let this get to me so much!?!?!?...i don't think he knows how i feel in any way, and i dunno if he even cares and that's what bugs me the most but y do i care so much???...i don't get it...i think the only thing i'm getting out of all of this is that i can actually talk to him as if we were friends instead of me trying to be someone that i'm not, as much as i didn't wanna admit that i was "changing" cuz of him, i guess i was, but it didn't seem like that at the time and i def. didn't wanna admit it when people bring it up. i hate being the fool in all of this. *sign*...i think i'm done...here's part of the wonderful convo.
AllThatsLena (7:38:48 PM): i had so much to say to u but i don't wanna anymore...yeah...what's up???
Jordan* (7:39:09 PM): why dont u wanna
AllThatsLena (7:39:28 PM): ...cuz i don't
Jordan (7:39:43 PM): oh
Jordan (7:39:44 PM): ik
AllThatsLena (7:40:54 PM): ...actually i just don't wanna cuz then that would just make me seem weird...maybe...ummmmmm, yeah
Jordan (7:41:37 PM): i would'nt know if u dont tell me
Jordan (7:41:38 PM): tell me
AllThatsLena (7:43:59 PM): ...yeah i dunno i was just like wicked mad cuz u would like say "hi" to Payson or whatever afterschool when she would go to her car and stuff and she's like going out with my brother and they're all happy together and i like u and u talk to her and stuff...yeah i dunno...whatever
Jordan (7:44:33 PM): almost all of the stuff i say to payson is an inside joke to her from work
Jordan (7:44:45 PM): plus i have known her a while and she is a friend from work
AllThatsLena (7:45:56 PM): whatever...i wanna say that i don't care but i'm sure i will later but yeah...
AllThatsLena (7:49:21 PM): oh yeah and then there's my whole thinking process which is like..."oh hey, it's Jordan, maybe i should talk to him, but then again he's probably just like all the other people i've ever liked so y bother, i don't have a chance with him anyway"...so yeah...i think that was most of what i wanted to say to u...
AllThatsLena (7:50:10 PM): oh and that i watched Reqium for a Dream and Punch-Drunk Love cuz Liz let me borrow them
Jordan (7:50:46 PM): wut did u think of them both
*not actually his sn, just in case anyone thought it was
...so yeah...that's pretty much all i wanted anyone to get out of this and i knew that it was gonna be pretty much like that...i dunno y i bother...and y i still have one more idea to possibley have things work(not counting on it cuz it's the last resort) but yeah...we'll see what happens...
...y do we strive for high school realationships if we know that that they are bound for failure?
...i'm done...
-Lena