(no subject)
I lost a friend recently.
She didn't die. We're just not friends anymore.
It got me thinking. I've had three friendships in my adult life that went horribly wrong. All three of them had something in common: they didn't talk to me.
I mean really talk. None of them ever really opened up to me, or talked to me about serious, personal stuff. I don't know if maybe they were afraid of me. Afraid I would judge them. Afraid I wouldn't care. Afraid I would be irritated that they were bothering me with their life. Maybe afraid that all I wanted was someone to get drunk and have fun with, and if they talked to me about anything real I would lose interest. Let's stick to surface streets and everything will be fine. The world isn't ugly if you squint and tilt your head just so.
It makes me sad to think that after knowing me for years, none of them really knew me. If they did they would know that I'm very empathetic and I care deeply about my friends. My friends are my family. I may not understand what they're going through, I may not agree with the choices they make. But at the end of the day, all I care about is their happiness. If they need a shoulder to cry on, someone to be pissed off for them, or just someone to listen, I'm always available.
My friend Becka is a very cheerful and outgoing person. She's in a perpetual good mood. But she's had her moments - her life isn't perfect. I know this because she's confided in me. I know she was hurting when her step-mother died. I know she was struggling through problems with her father. She's not the type to talk about personal things, or air her dirty laundry in public. So, when she trusted me enough to share these things with me, to share how she felt, it made us closer. It strengthened our friendship.
My friend Shelly seems like a rock of confidence. I've never known someone so strong. But I've also seen her cry. I've seen her in pain. She's shared some of her darkest and most hurtful moments with me. It's never made me think less of her, or look down on her. In fact, it's made me admire her more. It takes a lot strength to admit that you're not perfect, that your life isn't perfect.
You can't really have the good without the bad. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "Every sweet has its sour; every evil its good."
Yes, I'm a bitch. Yes, I'm anal. Yes, I can be a pain in the ass. But if you don't know that about me after a couple years, that's your problem. I know I'm not perfect, and I don't expect anyone else to be. I'll put up with your shit if you can put up with mine. That's what friendship is. But there's only so much you can expect from someone. You can't keep ignoring a friend, and taking advantage of them forever, and then be surprised when they get sick of it.
Like I said, I'm anal. I'm pushy and demanding. I'm also very forgiving. Too much so in some situations. I realize now that I'm not doing anyone any favors by looking the other way constantly. If someone is going to treat me like shit I need to stand up for myself. If it means losing a friend, then they weren't really a friend to begin with. I just have a hard time giving up on people. I guess I feel guilty, in a way. Like it's somehow my fault.
But it's not and I need to stop taking the blame. If others can't take responsibility for their actions it doesn't mean I have to. Real friends don't do that to each other. It's not my fault their lives are fucked up. It's not my fault our friendship failed.
I just have to keep reminding myself. And thank those who remind me when I forget to.
Forget all that came before, and look ahead.
The future is more bright than you think, she said.
She didn't die. We're just not friends anymore.
It got me thinking. I've had three friendships in my adult life that went horribly wrong. All three of them had something in common: they didn't talk to me.
I mean really talk. None of them ever really opened up to me, or talked to me about serious, personal stuff. I don't know if maybe they were afraid of me. Afraid I would judge them. Afraid I wouldn't care. Afraid I would be irritated that they were bothering me with their life. Maybe afraid that all I wanted was someone to get drunk and have fun with, and if they talked to me about anything real I would lose interest. Let's stick to surface streets and everything will be fine. The world isn't ugly if you squint and tilt your head just so.
It makes me sad to think that after knowing me for years, none of them really knew me. If they did they would know that I'm very empathetic and I care deeply about my friends. My friends are my family. I may not understand what they're going through, I may not agree with the choices they make. But at the end of the day, all I care about is their happiness. If they need a shoulder to cry on, someone to be pissed off for them, or just someone to listen, I'm always available.
My friend Becka is a very cheerful and outgoing person. She's in a perpetual good mood. But she's had her moments - her life isn't perfect. I know this because she's confided in me. I know she was hurting when her step-mother died. I know she was struggling through problems with her father. She's not the type to talk about personal things, or air her dirty laundry in public. So, when she trusted me enough to share these things with me, to share how she felt, it made us closer. It strengthened our friendship.
My friend Shelly seems like a rock of confidence. I've never known someone so strong. But I've also seen her cry. I've seen her in pain. She's shared some of her darkest and most hurtful moments with me. It's never made me think less of her, or look down on her. In fact, it's made me admire her more. It takes a lot strength to admit that you're not perfect, that your life isn't perfect.
You can't really have the good without the bad. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "Every sweet has its sour; every evil its good."
Yes, I'm a bitch. Yes, I'm anal. Yes, I can be a pain in the ass. But if you don't know that about me after a couple years, that's your problem. I know I'm not perfect, and I don't expect anyone else to be. I'll put up with your shit if you can put up with mine. That's what friendship is. But there's only so much you can expect from someone. You can't keep ignoring a friend, and taking advantage of them forever, and then be surprised when they get sick of it.
Like I said, I'm anal. I'm pushy and demanding. I'm also very forgiving. Too much so in some situations. I realize now that I'm not doing anyone any favors by looking the other way constantly. If someone is going to treat me like shit I need to stand up for myself. If it means losing a friend, then they weren't really a friend to begin with. I just have a hard time giving up on people. I guess I feel guilty, in a way. Like it's somehow my fault.
But it's not and I need to stop taking the blame. If others can't take responsibility for their actions it doesn't mean I have to. Real friends don't do that to each other. It's not my fault their lives are fucked up. It's not my fault our friendship failed.
I just have to keep reminding myself. And thank those who remind me when I forget to.
Forget all that came before, and look ahead.
The future is more bright than you think, she said.