rant.
okay, for my sanity...i weigh 125 and am 5'6". i don't know my body type. i used to be skinny, skin and bones thin. and i've never been fat, or chunky...but i'm not 'skinny' anymore. and i don't want to become any bigger than i am.
sometimes i think my arms are so flabby and fat...it's really disgusting. and of course, there's always a voice inside me that says i'm being stupid, that of course i don't need to lose weight. my arms are fine. and you know the weirdest thing of all? i know my sophomore year i weighed 123 because i began taking this medication and one of the side effects was weight loss so i had to keep track of my weight. i weighed 123 and i thought it was fine, skinny even. so i've been still hovering around the 120-125 pound range, only now i'm convinced i'm fat. i don't understand it. i never thought twice about what i ate three years ago or my arms or that my thighs touch when i wear a bathing suit or just step out of the shower. and now it's honestly all i think about (well, that at this stupid essay i still have to write).
whenever i'm in class now, i continuously check every single girl to see how fat she is, how much her stomach shows, how big (or small) her arms are.
but it's so exhausting to continuously worry and pick every piece of skin and flab apart and look in the mirror and just see the bad. because that's what i do. i need to either lose weight or stop obsessing about it. i keep trying to lose weight because then i'll have some leeway. then i can eat cookies if i run that day. it will be easier to keep weight off than to lose it. but it's just not working. just have to get this out there. for the past few days i've been eating a less than healthy amount of food for anyone. i'm trying to lose weight for the summer too [along with running and toning up], but i keep finding it impossible to find a happy healthy medium. i either starve or over-indulge...i'm either miserable because i'm so hungry or miserable because i've just eaten so much junk food.
i remember when i was younger [skin and bones younger] that i would eat food because i had to, because my mother told me to. and i would feel full, overstuffed, constantly. and i would be full and not want to eat anything for hours until i digested everything.
what really scares me is now i eat because i like food. i don't know if this means i'm an 'emotional eater.' sometimes i eat icecream if i've had a bad day. okay, i guess i can conclude that food makes me feel better. and that scares me because hell, i always want to feel better. it's like a comfort. and THAT scares me because i know with that mindset people can become very fat and obese, even. and that's the exact thing i'm trying to avoid.
i guess i don't know what to do.
sometimes i think my arms are so flabby and fat...it's really disgusting. and of course, there's always a voice inside me that says i'm being stupid, that of course i don't need to lose weight. my arms are fine. and you know the weirdest thing of all? i know my sophomore year i weighed 123 because i began taking this medication and one of the side effects was weight loss so i had to keep track of my weight. i weighed 123 and i thought it was fine, skinny even. so i've been still hovering around the 120-125 pound range, only now i'm convinced i'm fat. i don't understand it. i never thought twice about what i ate three years ago or my arms or that my thighs touch when i wear a bathing suit or just step out of the shower. and now it's honestly all i think about (well, that at this stupid essay i still have to write).
whenever i'm in class now, i continuously check every single girl to see how fat she is, how much her stomach shows, how big (or small) her arms are.
but it's so exhausting to continuously worry and pick every piece of skin and flab apart and look in the mirror and just see the bad. because that's what i do. i need to either lose weight or stop obsessing about it. i keep trying to lose weight because then i'll have some leeway. then i can eat cookies if i run that day. it will be easier to keep weight off than to lose it. but it's just not working. just have to get this out there. for the past few days i've been eating a less than healthy amount of food for anyone. i'm trying to lose weight for the summer too [along with running and toning up], but i keep finding it impossible to find a happy healthy medium. i either starve or over-indulge...i'm either miserable because i'm so hungry or miserable because i've just eaten so much junk food.
i remember when i was younger [skin and bones younger] that i would eat food because i had to, because my mother told me to. and i would feel full, overstuffed, constantly. and i would be full and not want to eat anything for hours until i digested everything.
what really scares me is now i eat because i like food. i don't know if this means i'm an 'emotional eater.' sometimes i eat icecream if i've had a bad day. okay, i guess i can conclude that food makes me feel better. and that scares me because hell, i always want to feel better. it's like a comfort. and THAT scares me because i know with that mindset people can become very fat and obese, even. and that's the exact thing i'm trying to avoid.
i guess i don't know what to do.