If you analyze the messages behind the literature, art, song, cinema, and prose dealing with love, society sends a schitzophrenic message about how to deal with it
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and the answer is...
anonymous
April 21 2006, 04:46:43 UTC
Oops. Sorry. Technical glitch. The answer didn't appear as planned.
I guess I'll just have to vamp until it's fixed.
Well let's see. How about steak and potatoes. You put forth the hypothesis that love in relationships must be either this philosophy (steak) or that philosophy (potatoes) when it's really more like a casserole (how about shepherd's pie?). Many people still follow that ole Gnostic tendency to separate the physical from the spiritual, seeing things or actions in humans as either angelic or demonic. The truth is, we're amphibians. A little of both so intertwined that one always influences the other. Short example. a person who is generally upbeat, positive and very kind can become very agitated when suffering from a migraine and say mean things that are later regretted.
Your two examples both have validity, but at different times and sometimes in different aspects of a relationship. First there's the getting to know you, courtship phase. Everything is peachy keen and life is wonderful, until you have your first disagreement and then life is horrible... you're looking for the razor blades. Then you talk it out and make up and it's all springtime and little fluffy yellow chicks again. This is what used to be called dating: finding out if this is the person you want to spend your life with. I won't go into all the idiotic things gay people do to in their relationships, but it's a wonder to me that any couple could last for more than two years they way we act.
There comes a time in this courting phase where you finally ask yourself "Where is this going? Do I see myself with him in ten years? Do the things we want to do in life really mesh that well? Would I truly give up my life to save him? Can I give up aspects of my life to make a new life with him, without giving up who I truly am?" This is the point where, " You can't make someone love you, it is what it is", has its place. When you both come to that point and decide to make a life committment, then this is where the next philosopy comes in.
But you have to truly commit without reservation. Once the both of you have decided to make a life together, then that's where the "You have to work for it and fight for it" takes its place. Because relationships take work. There is no doubt about it. Once you are invested in someone else's life, that relationship takes on a whole new meaning. You are talking about spending your life. Think about it in terms of spending money. You only have so much and once you've spent it, it's gone. That's a huge investment, but most of us don't take it seriously. We are divided in our minds and believe in our relationship...until something better comes along. When a person has these feelings in the back of his mind, then no matter what show he puts on, he is not truly ready for a committed relationship. A song I love has the line "Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will." and that pretty much sums up the philosophy of maintaining a long term relationship.
Of course, these are not clear cut dividing lines always, but for most people the pattern holds true. It's best not to get the cart before the horse and feel you have to fight so hard to keep a relationship with a person... before you really know them. The other comments posted have some great wisdom in this regard.
I don't know the particulars of the way you were cheated on. I know it hurts like hell. You would think someone could control his d*ck if he knew he would be hurting someone he claimed to care about. And that may be your answer. For me, it used to be that if anyone would cheat on me, that would be it. It would have been over. Now, I want to know the circumstances. Was there anything extenuating. Can I forgive and forget? Or was it that he had so little regard for me that he indulged himself, knowing that it would hurt me and didn't care. I could forgive even the last one, although it would hurt me to my core, but there could be no relationship there. I would know that he wasn't the person for me.
I hope this helps and you can find some peace and healing :)
I guess I'll just have to vamp until it's fixed.
Well let's see. How about steak and potatoes. You put forth the hypothesis that love in relationships must be either this philosophy (steak) or that philosophy (potatoes) when it's really more like a casserole (how about shepherd's pie?). Many people still follow that ole Gnostic tendency to separate the physical from the spiritual, seeing things or actions in humans as either angelic or demonic. The truth is, we're amphibians. A little of both so intertwined that one always influences the other. Short example. a person who is generally upbeat, positive and very kind can become very agitated when suffering from a migraine and say mean things that are later regretted.
Your two examples both have validity, but at different times and sometimes in different aspects of a relationship. First there's the getting to know you, courtship phase. Everything is peachy keen and life is wonderful, until you have your first disagreement and then life is horrible... you're looking for the razor blades. Then you talk it out and make up and it's all springtime and little fluffy yellow chicks again. This is what used to be called dating: finding out if this is the person you want to spend your life with. I won't go into all the idiotic things gay people do to in their relationships, but it's a wonder to me that any couple could last for more than two years they way we act.
There comes a time in this courting phase where you finally ask yourself "Where is this going? Do I see myself with him in ten years? Do the things we want to do in life really mesh that well? Would I truly give up my life to save him? Can I give up aspects of my life to make a new life with him, without giving up who I truly am?" This is the point where, " You can't make someone love you, it is what it is", has its place. When you both come to that point and decide to make a life committment, then this is where the next philosopy comes in.
But you have to truly commit without reservation. Once the both of you have decided to make a life together, then that's where the "You have to work for it and fight for it" takes its place. Because relationships take work. There is no doubt about it. Once you are invested in someone else's life, that relationship takes on a whole new meaning. You are talking about spending your life. Think about it in terms of spending money. You only have so much and once you've spent it, it's gone. That's a huge investment, but most of us don't take it seriously. We are divided in our minds and believe in our relationship...until something better comes along. When a person has these feelings in the back of his mind, then no matter what show he puts on, he is not truly ready for a committed relationship. A song I love has the line "Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will." and that pretty much sums up the philosophy of maintaining a long term relationship.
Of course, these are not clear cut dividing lines always, but for most people the pattern holds true. It's best not to get the cart before the horse and feel you have to fight so hard to keep a relationship with a person... before you really know them. The other comments posted have some great wisdom in this regard.
I don't know the particulars of the way you were cheated on. I know it hurts like hell. You would think someone could control his d*ck if he knew he would be hurting someone he claimed to care about. And that may be your answer. For me, it used to be that if anyone would cheat on me, that would be it. It would have been over. Now, I want to know the circumstances. Was there anything extenuating. Can I forgive and forget? Or was it that he had so little regard for me that he indulged himself, knowing that it would hurt me and didn't care. I could forgive even the last one, although it would hurt me to my core, but there could be no relationship there. I would know that he wasn't the person for me.
I hope this helps and you can find some peace and healing :)
Love ya' . Take care!
And now back to the show...
And the answer IS
42.
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