body issues
scien made an entry about her experiences with feminity and appearance. It was very interesting, more so because we differ quite a bit. So this is me writing a 'response post' - really just an excuse for a bit of narcissism!
"me and my relationship with traditionally feminine beauty, and all the things you seem to have to worry about to look 'good', anatomised for your perusal"
In ascending order of importance to me: (impossible)
1) nails
I have bitten my nails for as long as I can remember. It all started when I was made to participate in the school sports day when I was five; I was so nervous I started chomping. I've never stopped. I attempted to quit for a month when I was fifteen but much of the problem is doing it without even realising. My bitten nails have never really bothered me; I wear nail polish and aren't ashamed to 'flaunt' my hands about. In fact, the thought of having long nails which could catch on something makes me shudder!
2) makeup
I've never really known what to do with makeup. I started wearing it full-time at university because I assumed that was what everybody did. For the most part that was true and I know people who won't leave the house without makeup. Thankfully for my sanity, I think I look better without makeup. Occasionally I will put on a dab of brown eyeshadow or eyeliner to perk me up, but generally I think eyeliner makes me look tired and moody. And yes, I did the thick gothy eyeliner thing a lot at university so I know it to be true!
3) skin
Before I moved into the flat with Ollie and Becca two months ago, I had no idea what order 'cleanse, tone, moisturise and exfoliate' went in or even what they meant. I've always been complimented on my skin - for it's smoothness at least. I think I get a lot of spots. Anyway, Ollie gave me some stuff and I tried half heartedly to stick to a routine. Nowadays it goes that I use a face wash, more so when my skin gets greasy, but apart from that I'm fine with not obsessing over it.
4) hair
I've given up with my hair. I cut it above my shoulders and I hated it. I'd love short face but it wouldn't suit my face (I have a fat face). At the moment I'm growing it to see if I prefer it.. breast length. Who knows. My hair is pretty thick and wavy which annoys me a lot so I straighten it every day. I never had hair straighteners before university and I felt so uncomfortable covered in this mop of springy, haywire hair! I hate leaving the house without straightened hair now. I also dye my hair a lot in vain attempts to change it somehow. One thing I notice about people on the street and celebrities is their hair. I hate that my hair doesn't seem to fit into any sort of 'style' and wish it was more flexible. I used to have a fringe/bangs when I was a kid and I have one now. It seems I'm destined to have this stubborn hair forever...
5) body hair
I define my relationship with my eyebrows as 'OCD-like'. When I was thirteen I looked in the mirror and thought they were too dark and thick. It was a downward spiral from there on. I pluck them every day. They are stubbly and gross and I hate them. There are always little bits of eyebrow sprouting off, completely unrelated to where my eyebrows should be. They vary from being barely there at all to patchy and wonky when I attempt to let them grow back. They are 'alright' at the moment, in the sense that I've not plucked them away just yet, but it takes a lot of effort. I'm always touching them, prodding and plucking at them with my fingers. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I've found a hair I need to take out.
I remember being twelve and looking at my legs in school assembly, seeing the hair sprout up through my tights. I was embarrassed to wear shorts, especially in P.E, because my legs were as hairy as the boys'. Same with my arms; when I was seventeen a middle aged indian man looked at me and exclaimed 'your arms have more hair than mine!" I was mortified. My mother never let me shave my legs until I snapped and stole her razor when I was fourteen. She was furious. As a teenager I had no idea about the various hair removal products but I will never forget the overwhelming feeling of liberator when I used a whole roll of super strong tape on my arms. Unfortunately because I seem to have gorilla genes my arms and legs don't stay smooth for very long; I shave my legs every other day and veet my arms monthly. I still feel gross and ashamed of my body hair, and don't even get me started on pubic hair. I wish it wasn't such a taboo; no-one seems to know what is 'normal'.
6) clothes
I buy a lot of clothes. I don't feel comfortable in many things and I change my mind a lot; I am constantly looking at people wondering if I can mimick their style. My parents never bought me clothes as a kid and I remember hoping desperately on non uniform days that the other kids wouldn't notice that I'd worn that outfit three times running. I am constantly looking for clothes that will 'reflect my personality'. I feel that I will be judged by what I wear and because of that, I judge other people. I'm stuck in an endless judging cycle and my bank balance suffers. I don't even buy super trendy stuff; most of what I own comprises of tshirts and cardigans. I just tire of what I have too quickly.
7) figure
Who doesn't hate their figure right? I envy people who don't, but most people I know have complaints. Sometimes I even feel like it's expected. I'm a size twelve (UK) so I'm not the definition of 'fat', but I have a belly and a slight double chin and I feel pretty awful about it. It's also incredibly hard for me to lose weight. I joined a gym but got disheartened when I didn't notice any changes. I should have put more effort in, I suppose. My defence for having such a terrible body image is to blame society but I genuinely believe this is large root of my problem; I am sick of seeing slim, curvy, airbrushed women in magazines and on television when I am a fat-bellied, flat-chested, thick-legged "failwoman".
Most of the things I worry about stem from not feeling very feminine to start off with. I grew up a tomboy before I realised that I looked different from the preener and plucked girls I went to school with. I felt different from the girls at school and even now still feel like I am a sort-of-boy inside my head. The problem is that I've decided in my head what is considered 'feminine'; hairstyles, perfume, feeling delicate. I have a very sexist view of femininity and have set myself impossible standards to live up to, so I am constantly observing other womens' style and appearance and making myself feel inferior to it. A large part of me feels like everything will be ok if I wear the right clothes, but at the end of the day we're all naked, and I need to learn how to be ok with that.