i want to feel alive for the first time in my life; i just want to feel attractive today.
hypothetically, i could embrace this sense of mediocrity. i could do just fine in college, find a job, scrape out a meager existence until i find a better job, get married, move out to the suburbs, have kids, and live a perfectly fine life within that context. because really, what's there to complain about? a lot of people strive for just that. and it certainly could be a lot worse.
what i need to get over is this overwhelming need i feel to prove myself in whatever way, shape, or form that i can. i'm not quite sure what this rests on--looking back, i was always okay with going unnoticed, but that okayness always hinged on an ultimatum: that i would receive some sort of acknowledgement someday. that i could eventually assert myself as a meaningful/interesting individual, at least in a few people's minds. and it's stupid to want that much of myself when my motivation is so fragmented and there's really no foundation of talent to build that goal on.
my lack of dedication to certain pursuits probably indicates my need to reprioritize. either i need to get my shit together, or i need to aim lower. i'm not trying to be cynical, just realistic. because i'm sick of citing the former failures of present successes and hoping that their luck applies to me, when it's not even a matter of luck, really. it's a matter of what i lack and of me coming to terms with that. things will be better when i realize that i can get by and do fine without doing anything particularly extraordinary. i shouldn't equate being average with failure.
and no more attempts at these awful writing competitions, based on the above sentiments they fuck with my head entirely too much. shouldn't bother.
what i need to get over is this overwhelming need i feel to prove myself in whatever way, shape, or form that i can. i'm not quite sure what this rests on--looking back, i was always okay with going unnoticed, but that okayness always hinged on an ultimatum: that i would receive some sort of acknowledgement someday. that i could eventually assert myself as a meaningful/interesting individual, at least in a few people's minds. and it's stupid to want that much of myself when my motivation is so fragmented and there's really no foundation of talent to build that goal on.
my lack of dedication to certain pursuits probably indicates my need to reprioritize. either i need to get my shit together, or i need to aim lower. i'm not trying to be cynical, just realistic. because i'm sick of citing the former failures of present successes and hoping that their luck applies to me, when it's not even a matter of luck, really. it's a matter of what i lack and of me coming to terms with that. things will be better when i realize that i can get by and do fine without doing anything particularly extraordinary. i shouldn't equate being average with failure.
and no more attempts at these awful writing competitions, based on the above sentiments they fuck with my head entirely too much. shouldn't bother.