i think about my lack of future, and the places i could learn to fall in love.
the thing i absolutely can't stand about being an english major is that at no point in your college career will a professor faculty member tell you that you straight-up suck. in my experience, they definitely adhere to the adage of not saying anything if you can't say something nice. they may not give you such blatant encouragement in regard to career advice, but if you can't write, they'll never tell you that. and i understand that as professors their job is to motivate students and cultivate intellect, and that hearing that you're just not good at this could be quite damaging, but one of these days i just really need to know if i'm doing the right thing or not.
my personality is not well-suited to real-life situations. at no point in my life, be it in the realm or career or personal issues, will i find constant reassurance that i'm doing the right thing and that i'm good at it. quite the opposite, actually. but i'm too damn insecure to face up to that.
i should've figured that all this uncertainty would get to me one day. because from a distance it looks like a prospect for adventure; in this proximity it spells out all kinds of failures. and if at this juncture in my college career it turns out that majoring in english was a mistake, i have no idea what i'll be left with.
fuck. why all this sudden worry, i don't know. probably because of that damned yearly poetry contest. i absolutely loathe the idea of pitting my work against other people's. partly because it doesn't measure up, and partly because that's not why i write. i get so uncomfortable when i think about people that actually know me digesting my work. in fact, it makes me downright squeamish.
my personality is not well-suited to real-life situations. at no point in my life, be it in the realm or career or personal issues, will i find constant reassurance that i'm doing the right thing and that i'm good at it. quite the opposite, actually. but i'm too damn insecure to face up to that.
i should've figured that all this uncertainty would get to me one day. because from a distance it looks like a prospect for adventure; in this proximity it spells out all kinds of failures. and if at this juncture in my college career it turns out that majoring in english was a mistake, i have no idea what i'll be left with.
fuck. why all this sudden worry, i don't know. probably because of that damned yearly poetry contest. i absolutely loathe the idea of pitting my work against other people's. partly because it doesn't measure up, and partly because that's not why i write. i get so uncomfortable when i think about people that actually know me digesting my work. in fact, it makes me downright squeamish.