again for posterity... a letter to Bri
I remember the old days too, sleeping over at Maryellen's and such (I saw her the other day in fact). If I didn't come to the platform as much, it was probably because I didn't want to be around the "happy couple" all that often. If you were so neutral why did it always seem that you were trying to push me to be friends with Josh (and so be better friends with Robin)?
If it seemed I wasn't talking that was probably because there wasn't much to say. What could I do, ask about your weekend with Josh and Robin? You had another life, and it's totally not your fault that I wasn't very interested in that part of it. It is my loss, and my failure as a friend to not have cared about what you were doing more than I did.
I'm betting I probably did say I hated you once or twice, in anger or frustration. But, know this now: I do not hate you. It is very hard to believe anything in the midst of this he said, she said crap. I doubt any of it matters now. I've tried talking to Josh a bit, not a lot of interest on his end. Though I have been quite hostile and bitter with him as well. He doesn't seem to wish to enlighten me on the history, probably because it is better I don't know. I still have the question "why?" hanging over my head. Given time and some persistance, maybe I'll get an answer from him. Again, not your fault so much, but I really don't believe anyone's version of what happened in those days. It's hard to trust when shit falls apart like that.
I know it wasn't your fault that Robin and Josh got together. God knows, I could never expect to hold you accountable for her actions.
I really don't know what I want at the moment. Right now it is hard to deal with because it is so painful to remember. If I push you away, it's because you did hurt me. I know you've apologized, but sometimes it takes a bit for my brain to absorb information (especially at the end of the semester-cramming for tests). I know you didn't mean to, but accidental injuries still produce scars, in time they'll heal, but it still takes just that- time. I know you'd like to talk on the phone or in person, but that just isn't a possibility for me right now. I barely have time to see Chris, honestly I don't talk much, if at all to anyone else. You are probably right though, I may change my mind eventually. I can't promise anything yet though.
In some ways I am glad to have gotten a reply, but thinking about all my sins of the past has made me wholly depressed. It hurts to dwell on thoughts of that time, things were unbearable for me then. I mark junior year as the worst of my entire life. I lost everything and everyone I ever cared about. I can't explain what it's like to feel you are on the outside looking it, but I know it hurts a lot.
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I can't seem to get out of this rut I'm in. I keep blaming it on being tired or not feeling well, but it is utter depression. Brought on by thoughts about the abovementioned crap, I just can't shake it. Please God, let it get better soon. I fight with Chris way more than I should, all I want to do is lay in bed, I'm not even talking to people at work much. I need closure and resolution.
Goodnight for now, pray for me.
Teresa
If it seemed I wasn't talking that was probably because there wasn't much to say. What could I do, ask about your weekend with Josh and Robin? You had another life, and it's totally not your fault that I wasn't very interested in that part of it. It is my loss, and my failure as a friend to not have cared about what you were doing more than I did.
I'm betting I probably did say I hated you once or twice, in anger or frustration. But, know this now: I do not hate you. It is very hard to believe anything in the midst of this he said, she said crap. I doubt any of it matters now. I've tried talking to Josh a bit, not a lot of interest on his end. Though I have been quite hostile and bitter with him as well. He doesn't seem to wish to enlighten me on the history, probably because it is better I don't know. I still have the question "why?" hanging over my head. Given time and some persistance, maybe I'll get an answer from him. Again, not your fault so much, but I really don't believe anyone's version of what happened in those days. It's hard to trust when shit falls apart like that.
I know it wasn't your fault that Robin and Josh got together. God knows, I could never expect to hold you accountable for her actions.
I really don't know what I want at the moment. Right now it is hard to deal with because it is so painful to remember. If I push you away, it's because you did hurt me. I know you've apologized, but sometimes it takes a bit for my brain to absorb information (especially at the end of the semester-cramming for tests). I know you didn't mean to, but accidental injuries still produce scars, in time they'll heal, but it still takes just that- time. I know you'd like to talk on the phone or in person, but that just isn't a possibility for me right now. I barely have time to see Chris, honestly I don't talk much, if at all to anyone else. You are probably right though, I may change my mind eventually. I can't promise anything yet though.
In some ways I am glad to have gotten a reply, but thinking about all my sins of the past has made me wholly depressed. It hurts to dwell on thoughts of that time, things were unbearable for me then. I mark junior year as the worst of my entire life. I lost everything and everyone I ever cared about. I can't explain what it's like to feel you are on the outside looking it, but I know it hurts a lot.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't seem to get out of this rut I'm in. I keep blaming it on being tired or not feeling well, but it is utter depression. Brought on by thoughts about the abovementioned crap, I just can't shake it. Please God, let it get better soon. I fight with Chris way more than I should, all I want to do is lay in bed, I'm not even talking to people at work much. I need closure and resolution.
Goodnight for now, pray for me.
Teresa