Identity
Hello, I'm an idiot. I haven't slept for about 38 hours now, but decided that today would be a good day to wash my bedding. Now it still isn't dry yet, so I can't go to bed. My plans for the day have been rearranged constantly, actually. I didn't sleep last night because I ended up watching Star Trek. I didn't get home until half past one. I went to ASDA to buy some food to have a meal with, but ended up eating snacks instead. Whilst snacking, I came across season one of The Next Generation, and started watching. When I stopped watching, it was time to go to work. I went to put in a prescription, and then had breakfast at subway whilst I waited. Then I realised I wasn't going to make it to work by twelve, so I went home and did what I had to do remotely. Picked up some fish food on the way back, because Shanna has decided to leave her fish to die again. Left the house for the second time, put some money in the bank, picked up the prescription which was now ready for collection, and got on the bus. I thought I'd do a short day then head home. Or at least a small amount of work and then just use my office for my own unpaid purposes for a while. Ended up working the entire twelve hours until closing, but it wasn't too bad - I got some good work done, even though I was falling asleep for most of the time.
I would say that I had a good weekend, but that would be stretching it a bit - the good day was Friday, but most of Saturday and Sunday sucked because Saturday was mostly consumed by trying to get home on the trains amidst delays and confusion, and Sunday spent mostly recovering from some kind of cold that I got from Adele. So, the Friday... I liked Friday.
I forget why, but I somehow neglected to sleep again, right up until there was only about an hour to go, at which point I decided to get into bed. Not a great idea, but luckily I woke up just fine, and made it onto the first train. I somehow managed to miss the connection at Southampton, despite arriving five minutes before it came... being stood at the platform whilst it apparently went by (I don't believe a word of it)... and still being stood there five minutes later, at which point I decided to ask a staff member whether it'd been. Apparently, it'd gone right in front of me. I swear it was invisible. I eventually arrived in Bath almost an hour late, but other than feelings guilty about making Adele wait, we didn't have any particular plan so it was okay. We went for a little walk by the river, which was nice, went in a couple of shops along the road, then found somewhere to eat. Up until then, Merlin's presence had been somehow...not very noticeable. Adele was carrying him, and of course I saw him the moment we met, but he was all wrapped up and sleeping. When we sat down to eat though, he woke up to join in the feast, so that was the first time I really saw him.
I don't really have an initial reaction to share. As I'll repeat for much of this, it was all very... normal. I was quite fascinated really - I've not been around such a young baby since my own brother was born fourteen years ago. I was amazed by how... small he is, all his tiny little features. Almost not real. And the aura of incredible innocence that surrounds him, and his changing expressions as he looks around. You can't help but wonder what he's experiencing, what he's thinking... I just wanted to join in and see it too. Holding him was.. again, very natural.
We went for another little wander in bath, where we saw a giant mobile phone walking down the road. Obviously some kind of advertising campaign, but I don't know quite what it's aim was. The abbey was closed for a service, but we went in the museum underneath it, and then came out and had some ice cream and talked some more in a little ice cream shop. It was then about time to start back, so we headed for the train station.
I liked our little visit to Bath. I'd only been there once before, and only for a brief visit to the baths themselves, on the way back from a family holiday in Wales. As I commented to Adele as we were leaving, I actually felt quite comfortable there, very safe. Considering my dislike of travelling and unknown environments, that's quite notable. It was also nice to meet Adele in a more neutral place at first, rather than either of our homes. That was all very natural too, other than a couple of feelings that stood out to me which I will get to later.
Willow was being looked after by Adele's friend to make travelling easier, so we got a taxi at the other end and picked him up on the way back to her house. Seeing him again was a little stranger, as predicted. I couldn't tell if he recognised me or not - he didn't do anything to explicitly indicate that he had, but then he seemed quite happy to be near me and sit on my lap for the journey back. I suppose he felt some familiarity, even if he couldn't remember why.
Adele's new place is nice. We went through to the kitchen (which struck me as disproportionately large compared to the other rooms), and talked some more whilst she made Willow some dinner and I had a cup of tea. To even be writing this is the most peculiar feeling. It feels like none of this is of any relevence (which you may agree with, it's not particularly exciting, I know). Being there felt, again, extremely natural... but at the same time I was definitely in Guest Mode™. This created quite a conflict - Adele, well, did normal things, like making some food, folding some washing, changing Willow, and I wanted to help, but I couldn't because I was a guest and these things did not concern me. This is how I always feel in anyone else's home, but it was unsettling to be feeling that and at the same time having habit and familiarity telling me I should be doing those things too.
Seeing Willow and Merlin together is what... did it. Whatever 'it' is. I'm about to give up trying to write this, I just can't explain anything. That was the... highest point of familiarity I felt during the visit. Standing in the kitchen with Adele doing normal things, Merlin in his little chair-that-rocks (not a rocking chair), and Willow running around playing with his Duplo and other toys, occasionally interacting with Merlin. I could have belonged in that scene, and half of me did, and half of me knew I was a mere visitor.
After Willow had eaten and played for a while, Adele put him to bed, we ordered some Chinese takeaway and went upstairs to watch a film. Merlin fell asleep on me whilst we were waiting for the delivery, but woke up when we got upstairs with it. I managed to get up, go upstairs and lay him gently on the bed next to me all without waking him, but as soon as we started to eat he woke up with the same idea - it's like he knows, lol. The film we started watching, the title of which I forget, wasn't very good so we gave up half way through... and that was when the important discussion started.
Adele asked me a few times during the day how I 'felt about Merlin', but it's such a vague question I couldn't really answer it. Finally though, I tried. The first thing that came, was that he didn't feel... mine, at least not any more than Willow had. In fact, he felt exactly like Willow to me, both in 'the way things are', and 'the way things were', although obviously with Merlin the 'were' is 'could've been'. My feelings are very like the division I felt earlier, simultaneously being on the inside and the outside. I love both of them. I still love Adele. I love the three of them as a family, and I still have vague feelings that I'm a part of that. However, in the present that's being overridden by an acknowledgement that I'm not there, and that strips me of everything I would otherwise think I had a right to feel. They should be my family, and in ways they still are, but I am the outsider.
Adele has a boyfriend, and I accept that he has my role now, and rightfully so. I don't know him and I don't know how he fulfils it, but it's his place.
In the end, it all comes down to how I want to be seen by the children. My greatest fear is being rejected by them, and though I'm sure it won't happen, anything that might influence their opinion scares me. I don't want to visit them for the sake of visiting them. I don't ever want it to seem to me or to them to be something I do because I have to, or feel morally obligated to do so. If I cannot be their 'father', I don't even want to try, because anything other than living with them is failure. My feelings for them are no less, though - I care about them just the same, and I want us to have a good relationship. I want them to think of me as someone they know will always be there for them, will always have time for them, and to know that they're always welcome. In practice, this might be exactly the same as if I'd just 'visited' as their 'father', but it's the distinction of my intentions that is important to me. I'm going to do the best I can do, but I'm never going to pretend it's something it isn't, or try and claim to be more than I can be.
And yes, I think it's inevitable to start wondering why we're in this situation anyway. Why isn't it me who's there with them? It seems we both share a feeling that perhaps we should have done more for their sake, but... eh, we did try, we really did. It's so sad though, especially because it all seems so distant now. Yes, it's been talked about, but we agree it would be the same if we were to 'go back'. Neither of us can go back. The future we don't know, but there is only forward. Both of us are doing alright as we are though - she has a life she is happy with, and I am learning again to build one by myself. There were small moments of sadness the previous day, brief thoughts of something lost... but other than that I really enjoyed her company as a friend. It does seem distant, but I do remember the stress and depression, but now that the pressure and the reasons for it all are gone, all that's left is all the good. I'm happy this way.
I didn't sleep very well that night for some reason. I think it was just the strangeness of knowing where I was. Adele fell asleep with Merlin whilst we were watching Jonathan Creek, and when it finished, I lay down next to them. I was laying on top of the bed, since in it seemed somehow inappropriate, but eventually I got so cold I couldn't stand it and got in anyway. I was laying next to Melin, and the last thing I remember before eventually managing to get a little sleep, was seeing his eyes move, and wondering what he was dreaming.
The journey home was horrible. Train services were delayed, and I made the mistake of thinking that the 'route' part of my ticket was telling me where to change. I chose the Salisbury route, so got off at Salisbury, only to find that the train I wanted to change to was one going to the sane place as the one I'd just been on. So, I had to wait another hour for another one of those, to finally get to Southampton where I should've made my one and only change. Unfortunately, the train from Salisbury was delayed, and even though I ran to catch the connection to Poole, it was running on time and I missed it by seconds. Then I realised that the next one didn't even go to Poole, only as far as Bournemouth, so I waited another half an hour or so for that, only to have to wait and change again at Bournemouth to get to Poole.
To make it more fun, I apparently caught some cold or something from Adele, and felt horrible for the entire journey. The whole visit turned out quite expensive too... quickly adding up with tickets there and back, buying lunch, getting a delivery, taxis to and from the station, and buying food and drink whilst waiting for trains. It was poorly planned on my behalf though, I'm sure next time will be better. It'll have to be, I can't afford to do that too often.
So. For now it's all just a case of becoming used to it. I feel quite comfortable with everything in my own mind, but it's other people that throw me off. When we were out together in Bath, people kept noticing Merlin and obviously assuming that we were 'together', and that he was mine. Well, he is... but... there becomes ambiguity. I know I know, it's not important, they're strangers, I could make up anything, I'll never see them again... but it worries me that one day someone will ask something like "is he yours?" and I will hesitate, then say yes, then feel like I've deceived them by not telling them the whole story. Saying no would be equally dishonest, though.
It'll be a long time before Merlin is really capable of forming a proper opinion of me, but Willow will begin to do so sooner. I suppose when he begins to talk will be the real revelation. I can ponder all I want, but it won't be until I hear their own words that I will really be able to answer the question "who am I?"
I would say that I had a good weekend, but that would be stretching it a bit - the good day was Friday, but most of Saturday and Sunday sucked because Saturday was mostly consumed by trying to get home on the trains amidst delays and confusion, and Sunday spent mostly recovering from some kind of cold that I got from Adele. So, the Friday... I liked Friday.
I forget why, but I somehow neglected to sleep again, right up until there was only about an hour to go, at which point I decided to get into bed. Not a great idea, but luckily I woke up just fine, and made it onto the first train. I somehow managed to miss the connection at Southampton, despite arriving five minutes before it came... being stood at the platform whilst it apparently went by (I don't believe a word of it)... and still being stood there five minutes later, at which point I decided to ask a staff member whether it'd been. Apparently, it'd gone right in front of me. I swear it was invisible. I eventually arrived in Bath almost an hour late, but other than feelings guilty about making Adele wait, we didn't have any particular plan so it was okay. We went for a little walk by the river, which was nice, went in a couple of shops along the road, then found somewhere to eat. Up until then, Merlin's presence had been somehow...not very noticeable. Adele was carrying him, and of course I saw him the moment we met, but he was all wrapped up and sleeping. When we sat down to eat though, he woke up to join in the feast, so that was the first time I really saw him.
I don't really have an initial reaction to share. As I'll repeat for much of this, it was all very... normal. I was quite fascinated really - I've not been around such a young baby since my own brother was born fourteen years ago. I was amazed by how... small he is, all his tiny little features. Almost not real. And the aura of incredible innocence that surrounds him, and his changing expressions as he looks around. You can't help but wonder what he's experiencing, what he's thinking... I just wanted to join in and see it too. Holding him was.. again, very natural.
We went for another little wander in bath, where we saw a giant mobile phone walking down the road. Obviously some kind of advertising campaign, but I don't know quite what it's aim was. The abbey was closed for a service, but we went in the museum underneath it, and then came out and had some ice cream and talked some more in a little ice cream shop. It was then about time to start back, so we headed for the train station.
I liked our little visit to Bath. I'd only been there once before, and only for a brief visit to the baths themselves, on the way back from a family holiday in Wales. As I commented to Adele as we were leaving, I actually felt quite comfortable there, very safe. Considering my dislike of travelling and unknown environments, that's quite notable. It was also nice to meet Adele in a more neutral place at first, rather than either of our homes. That was all very natural too, other than a couple of feelings that stood out to me which I will get to later.
Willow was being looked after by Adele's friend to make travelling easier, so we got a taxi at the other end and picked him up on the way back to her house. Seeing him again was a little stranger, as predicted. I couldn't tell if he recognised me or not - he didn't do anything to explicitly indicate that he had, but then he seemed quite happy to be near me and sit on my lap for the journey back. I suppose he felt some familiarity, even if he couldn't remember why.
Adele's new place is nice. We went through to the kitchen (which struck me as disproportionately large compared to the other rooms), and talked some more whilst she made Willow some dinner and I had a cup of tea. To even be writing this is the most peculiar feeling. It feels like none of this is of any relevence (which you may agree with, it's not particularly exciting, I know). Being there felt, again, extremely natural... but at the same time I was definitely in Guest Mode™. This created quite a conflict - Adele, well, did normal things, like making some food, folding some washing, changing Willow, and I wanted to help, but I couldn't because I was a guest and these things did not concern me. This is how I always feel in anyone else's home, but it was unsettling to be feeling that and at the same time having habit and familiarity telling me I should be doing those things too.
Seeing Willow and Merlin together is what... did it. Whatever 'it' is. I'm about to give up trying to write this, I just can't explain anything. That was the... highest point of familiarity I felt during the visit. Standing in the kitchen with Adele doing normal things, Merlin in his little chair-that-rocks (not a rocking chair), and Willow running around playing with his Duplo and other toys, occasionally interacting with Merlin. I could have belonged in that scene, and half of me did, and half of me knew I was a mere visitor.
After Willow had eaten and played for a while, Adele put him to bed, we ordered some Chinese takeaway and went upstairs to watch a film. Merlin fell asleep on me whilst we were waiting for the delivery, but woke up when we got upstairs with it. I managed to get up, go upstairs and lay him gently on the bed next to me all without waking him, but as soon as we started to eat he woke up with the same idea - it's like he knows, lol. The film we started watching, the title of which I forget, wasn't very good so we gave up half way through... and that was when the important discussion started.
Adele asked me a few times during the day how I 'felt about Merlin', but it's such a vague question I couldn't really answer it. Finally though, I tried. The first thing that came, was that he didn't feel... mine, at least not any more than Willow had. In fact, he felt exactly like Willow to me, both in 'the way things are', and 'the way things were', although obviously with Merlin the 'were' is 'could've been'. My feelings are very like the division I felt earlier, simultaneously being on the inside and the outside. I love both of them. I still love Adele. I love the three of them as a family, and I still have vague feelings that I'm a part of that. However, in the present that's being overridden by an acknowledgement that I'm not there, and that strips me of everything I would otherwise think I had a right to feel. They should be my family, and in ways they still are, but I am the outsider.
Adele has a boyfriend, and I accept that he has my role now, and rightfully so. I don't know him and I don't know how he fulfils it, but it's his place.
In the end, it all comes down to how I want to be seen by the children. My greatest fear is being rejected by them, and though I'm sure it won't happen, anything that might influence their opinion scares me. I don't want to visit them for the sake of visiting them. I don't ever want it to seem to me or to them to be something I do because I have to, or feel morally obligated to do so. If I cannot be their 'father', I don't even want to try, because anything other than living with them is failure. My feelings for them are no less, though - I care about them just the same, and I want us to have a good relationship. I want them to think of me as someone they know will always be there for them, will always have time for them, and to know that they're always welcome. In practice, this might be exactly the same as if I'd just 'visited' as their 'father', but it's the distinction of my intentions that is important to me. I'm going to do the best I can do, but I'm never going to pretend it's something it isn't, or try and claim to be more than I can be.
And yes, I think it's inevitable to start wondering why we're in this situation anyway. Why isn't it me who's there with them? It seems we both share a feeling that perhaps we should have done more for their sake, but... eh, we did try, we really did. It's so sad though, especially because it all seems so distant now. Yes, it's been talked about, but we agree it would be the same if we were to 'go back'. Neither of us can go back. The future we don't know, but there is only forward. Both of us are doing alright as we are though - she has a life she is happy with, and I am learning again to build one by myself. There were small moments of sadness the previous day, brief thoughts of something lost... but other than that I really enjoyed her company as a friend. It does seem distant, but I do remember the stress and depression, but now that the pressure and the reasons for it all are gone, all that's left is all the good. I'm happy this way.
I didn't sleep very well that night for some reason. I think it was just the strangeness of knowing where I was. Adele fell asleep with Merlin whilst we were watching Jonathan Creek, and when it finished, I lay down next to them. I was laying on top of the bed, since in it seemed somehow inappropriate, but eventually I got so cold I couldn't stand it and got in anyway. I was laying next to Melin, and the last thing I remember before eventually managing to get a little sleep, was seeing his eyes move, and wondering what he was dreaming.
The journey home was horrible. Train services were delayed, and I made the mistake of thinking that the 'route' part of my ticket was telling me where to change. I chose the Salisbury route, so got off at Salisbury, only to find that the train I wanted to change to was one going to the sane place as the one I'd just been on. So, I had to wait another hour for another one of those, to finally get to Southampton where I should've made my one and only change. Unfortunately, the train from Salisbury was delayed, and even though I ran to catch the connection to Poole, it was running on time and I missed it by seconds. Then I realised that the next one didn't even go to Poole, only as far as Bournemouth, so I waited another half an hour or so for that, only to have to wait and change again at Bournemouth to get to Poole.
To make it more fun, I apparently caught some cold or something from Adele, and felt horrible for the entire journey. The whole visit turned out quite expensive too... quickly adding up with tickets there and back, buying lunch, getting a delivery, taxis to and from the station, and buying food and drink whilst waiting for trains. It was poorly planned on my behalf though, I'm sure next time will be better. It'll have to be, I can't afford to do that too often.
So. For now it's all just a case of becoming used to it. I feel quite comfortable with everything in my own mind, but it's other people that throw me off. When we were out together in Bath, people kept noticing Merlin and obviously assuming that we were 'together', and that he was mine. Well, he is... but... there becomes ambiguity. I know I know, it's not important, they're strangers, I could make up anything, I'll never see them again... but it worries me that one day someone will ask something like "is he yours?" and I will hesitate, then say yes, then feel like I've deceived them by not telling them the whole story. Saying no would be equally dishonest, though.
It'll be a long time before Merlin is really capable of forming a proper opinion of me, but Willow will begin to do so sooner. I suppose when he begins to talk will be the real revelation. I can ponder all I want, but it won't be until I hear their own words that I will really be able to answer the question "who am I?"