Loops
Ugh. Here, read this. I think I'll just link to that every time I feel this way, it's the best I can do to describe it. Ah 2005, what a great year that was. Best year of my life, probably.
Everything is going pretty much the same as it did last time. There's the first stage where I sit around thinking 'how the hell could this happen to me?', and 'why?' and all that. I lose all motivation to do anything, and everything turns into a big mess as I let it all pile up on top of me. Then comes the second stage, where I 'leap into action' and decide I can get through it, and start making a concious effort to get back on track. I feel a desire to be more social, make friends, meet people. I tidy things, change things, buy new things, anything to get kind of 'fresh' feeling, as if it represents progress in some way. When this effort fails to produce any immediate results, the third stage of disappointment and despair arrives and everything seems hopeless. I start to think it's useless to try, spend every day dreaming of the good days gone by, and feeling sure I'll never see them again. That's where I am now.
What comes after that, I don't know, because last time Adele turned up right after stage three. Although all my efforts to be social and meet people completely failed, she then found me instead. My guess is that the same sequence of events happening again isn't very likely. Progression to this stage has been very fast as well - a couple of weeks instead of several months, although part of the reason it took so long last time was the long drawn out fight with Shanna until she finally came back to take her things. This time... well I haven't a clue where the hell she is at the moment, but she's not here and she's not talking to me.
The fact she's not talking to me is still what's making me so angry. Like I said last time, I know I shouldn't be letting it bother me. I'm still trying so hard not to care about it, but... argh! How can she just... do nothing?! She hasn't even 'confirmed' that it's over, she just started avoiding me. She hasn't said a word about how she feels about what's happened, not expressed the tiniest hint of emotion. Not happy, not upset, not angry, not... anything. How can anyone be like that? It just drives me insane. The lack of emotion was what got us here in the first place, and still nothing has changed. Which all leaves me wondering, what was the point in coming back here? Why did she bother? If the outcome never really mattered to her... it just doesn't make any sense. This is why I can't leave it. I can accept whatever happens, but I have to know the reasoning behind it, I have to understand... but this just confuses the hell out of me.
I suppose I still haven't really explained what happened. Eh, I won't yet - it needs to all make sense in my head first.
Graham is in America with Rachel. Originally, as in many many months ago, I'd intended to go with him. As time went on though, it was quite clear that it wasn't really affordable. Now that Shanna's apparently getting her own visa, I technically could afford it, but I can't really leave work before Christmas. I'm slightly entertaining the idea of joining them just for a week, but it probably won't happen. Having enough money doesn't mean you should spend it, anyway - I'm sure there are much more pressing needs. Nothing new has broken for few weeks, so it must be about time again by now.
I've arranged to spend the day with Adele on Friday... and therefore also Merlin and Willow. I'm a bit worried about that - I don't really know who to be. Assuming this is a one-off thing, I shouldn't worry too much, but it's probably not. Merlin of course is too young to know what's happening, and he'll forget me soon after I'm gone. Willow however, might recognise me. As for me, how do I treat them? I keep saying that the very last thing I want to be is someone who just visits them - it has to be all or nothing. But what about visiting Adele? At least then I'm not somebody making a crap effort at being a father to them, but what do I become instead? They'll grow up knowing me as 'mummy's friend', and what will they be to me? It all seems very vague to me, not clearly defined at all. I don't know how I'm going to feel.
There was more, but I'm tired, so another time. This is all just begging for Mr. Anonymous!
Everything is going pretty much the same as it did last time. There's the first stage where I sit around thinking 'how the hell could this happen to me?', and 'why?' and all that. I lose all motivation to do anything, and everything turns into a big mess as I let it all pile up on top of me. Then comes the second stage, where I 'leap into action' and decide I can get through it, and start making a concious effort to get back on track. I feel a desire to be more social, make friends, meet people. I tidy things, change things, buy new things, anything to get kind of 'fresh' feeling, as if it represents progress in some way. When this effort fails to produce any immediate results, the third stage of disappointment and despair arrives and everything seems hopeless. I start to think it's useless to try, spend every day dreaming of the good days gone by, and feeling sure I'll never see them again. That's where I am now.
What comes after that, I don't know, because last time Adele turned up right after stage three. Although all my efforts to be social and meet people completely failed, she then found me instead. My guess is that the same sequence of events happening again isn't very likely. Progression to this stage has been very fast as well - a couple of weeks instead of several months, although part of the reason it took so long last time was the long drawn out fight with Shanna until she finally came back to take her things. This time... well I haven't a clue where the hell she is at the moment, but she's not here and she's not talking to me.
The fact she's not talking to me is still what's making me so angry. Like I said last time, I know I shouldn't be letting it bother me. I'm still trying so hard not to care about it, but... argh! How can she just... do nothing?! She hasn't even 'confirmed' that it's over, she just started avoiding me. She hasn't said a word about how she feels about what's happened, not expressed the tiniest hint of emotion. Not happy, not upset, not angry, not... anything. How can anyone be like that? It just drives me insane. The lack of emotion was what got us here in the first place, and still nothing has changed. Which all leaves me wondering, what was the point in coming back here? Why did she bother? If the outcome never really mattered to her... it just doesn't make any sense. This is why I can't leave it. I can accept whatever happens, but I have to know the reasoning behind it, I have to understand... but this just confuses the hell out of me.
I suppose I still haven't really explained what happened. Eh, I won't yet - it needs to all make sense in my head first.
Graham is in America with Rachel. Originally, as in many many months ago, I'd intended to go with him. As time went on though, it was quite clear that it wasn't really affordable. Now that Shanna's apparently getting her own visa, I technically could afford it, but I can't really leave work before Christmas. I'm slightly entertaining the idea of joining them just for a week, but it probably won't happen. Having enough money doesn't mean you should spend it, anyway - I'm sure there are much more pressing needs. Nothing new has broken for few weeks, so it must be about time again by now.
I've arranged to spend the day with Adele on Friday... and therefore also Merlin and Willow. I'm a bit worried about that - I don't really know who to be. Assuming this is a one-off thing, I shouldn't worry too much, but it's probably not. Merlin of course is too young to know what's happening, and he'll forget me soon after I'm gone. Willow however, might recognise me. As for me, how do I treat them? I keep saying that the very last thing I want to be is someone who just visits them - it has to be all or nothing. But what about visiting Adele? At least then I'm not somebody making a crap effort at being a father to them, but what do I become instead? They'll grow up knowing me as 'mummy's friend', and what will they be to me? It all seems very vague to me, not clearly defined at all. I don't know how I'm going to feel.
There was more, but I'm tired, so another time. This is all just begging for Mr. Anonymous!