Withdrawal
I forgot that it was a Sunday, and that the usual 11:42 'last bus' does not exist, and so I'm here at work waiting for 1am, because Tasha has offered us a lift home. I am... seriously depressed. Many recent events have contributed to that, but at least they're usually scattered fairly evenly... except the last couple of days, which have had a high concentration of anything and everything that could possibly upset me.
Since I'm at work, let's start there. I complained before that we can never do anything properly around here, and since then we've tried a lot to fight it, but it just keeps piling on. We bought, using the very last of Vecsoft's money (all of which we earned without any help from Darius - we've not seen a single penny of this 'backing' we were supposed to have), two fully licensed copies of Windows Server 2003. We installed these on two nice Dell PowerEdge rack servers, and have deployed Vantage onto them. The next step is to set up the new network configuration, but despite requesting many times to put the servers into a data centre, we've been refused and have to try and set up the new network alongside the old one. So Graham spent several hours one morning setting it all up, only to find that an ADSL modem we've bought wasn't very reliable. We had to spend the rest of the night putting it all back, amongst constant calls and complaints from everybody. The next day, Darius asks us not to touch the existing setup because it causes problems. Yeah... we know that, but you didn't give us any choice. We should be setting up the new system entirely separately, preferably at a data centre with a dedicated internet connection, but no, we're stuck here with an NTL cable modem that can't go five minutes without dropping connections and losing packets everywhere, and the BT ADSL connection which works most of the time, but is still miles from the exchange, on a bad line that's run through a conduit next to high voltage power cables, leading to a terrible signal-to-noise ratio. Not that we can touch that connection, because it's the only semi-reliable thing that the old system has. So how are we supposed to configure our new routers and firewalls, ensure the routes between LAN and WAN are working, without being able to use either of the WAN connections to test it with? I predict the answer to this is that we won't test it - we'll just decide to 'go live' one day, and pray that it works. Which it won't. It never does.
Then we came in this afternoon to find both of our servers off. We know people around here have a habit of touching things they shouldn't, so we'd disabled the power switches, and locked the front bezel to block access to the front panel anyway, but that didn't deter somebody. Finding themselves unable to reach the power button, they resorted to pulling out the power cables. What the fuck? We called Darius to ask what'd happened, and he said he'd done it because he thought they sounded noisy. So what? They're have fucking fans in, to keep themselves cool, of course they make noise!. Noisy or not, if you don't understand something, you don't fucking touch it!. Neither do you try and tell people who do know what they're doing that you know better. You don't, shut up.
It would cost £160 a month to move these servers to somewhere safe, secure, and with a high-performance internet connection. That's nothing, but he 'wants to see it working here first'. It's going to work terribly here first. We have no reliable connections, and we have people who go round pulling cables out. He wants to serve four stores, several other clients, and all his web-customers, over a dodgy ADSL connection. We've seen from the old website that pulling any data from here gives awful performance, but now he wants to not only serve all the pages themselves from here, but the new website is heavy on flash, and includes streaming video. This connection will choke and die. And then it'll be our fault, somehow.
I liked working here because I have the freedom to work on software that I want to work on, and be paid for it. I could make more elsewhere, but I'd have to start as a small part of a team. Here I've got what I've always wanted. We've always done things the cheap crap way, but it was never my business so I never cared. I got to write my software, that was all that mattered. But this, this is supposed to be our business, and we don't do things that way, we do things right. At least we try, but are met with nothing but resistance every step of the way. We received a letter from companies house saying that hadn't received out accounts for the year. When Graham asked the accountant about it, he said that he thought we were letting it die, because of 'that bill'. The bill, of course, being the £22,000 owed to Vaioni that Darius never paid. So because of that, they're going to let the company die. I imagine he's going to suggest that we just form another one and carry right on, but you know what? I think I'm going to say no. The only reason that me and Graham started the company in partnership with Darius, was because he had money and would back us. We've earned wages from working here, yes, but seen not a hint of any money for Vecsoft, and indeed when the time came to pay out any money, he didn't. If our only reason for joining him never happened... then we don't have any reasons, do we? What's the point? We ran XVII more successfully than Vecsoft. Sure, we didn't make that much money, but we didn't incur thousands in debt, or enter contracts we couldn't fulfil, either. We did a better job by ourselves, and I think that's what we should do. Our ways of running business aren't compatible. And yeah, I know he's got a successful one with four stores, and we haven't. Maybe it works for him, but I don't care. We don't work that way. We won't. We do things properly.
I'm still here now because I feel a loyalty. Darius gave me a job when I really needed one, when I was trying to move out in preparation for Shanna to arrive. He's given lots of freedom and paid me lots of wages for a product which, whilst finished, he's not seen any benefit from yet. If I were to leave, then whatever the legal side of it, I'd feel obligated to surrender Vantage for moral reasons anyway, and I'd be sad to leave it, but the way things are right now, unless we start getting our way at least some of the time, and get these servers moved into a proper hosting environment, I really feel like walking away from all this shit.
So that was work today, but it went wrong before we even made it that far. Poole bus station is one of my most hated places - we've always called it The Shades (Discworld reference) - and as it gets towards the evening the place is always filled with scum, but sometimes you see something exceptional. Today, there were the usual groups of chavs hanging around, but one of them had what I can only assume was his little brother with him. He can't have been more than about five years old, but he was apparently there for chav training. His (let's assume I'm right) older brother was carrying him around, and encouraging him to hit people. There were a group of German people, maybe students or tourists, stood near to us, and he actually lifted the child up and used the little boy's hand to hit one of them. The victim seemed more shocked at what was happening than anything else, but the chav and one of his 'mates' then started trying to act all hard and making the usual stupid 'what you lookin at' challenges.
Nothing more happened, but that was enough to make me sick. From everything I've ever experienced, nothing depresses me more than knowing people like him exist. Not only exist, in fact, but are common. It's people like him that make me dread stepping outside my house, make me hate public places, public transport. It's not even like I get trouble from them - I don't - but just to see them physically disgusts me. And to see the corruption of what could've otherwise been an innocent child... I've seen nothing lower. He'll never know any better. He'll be not just one of them, but more than them. Raised and bred to be scum, with no inhibitions, no boundaries.
It made me question for a moment, whether I would ever interfere. The one who was hit didn't respond, and neither did the rest of his group, but there were quite a few of them and not all that many chavs. The situation dissolved quickly and nothing happened, but what if they had started fighting. Would anyone have done anything? There were enough people around to overwhelm the chavs easily, but what does it take for them to get involved? Nobody would go alone, and it follows therefore that nobody would take the lead. Neither would I, but I might join in, if other people did. All it's needed is for people to know that if they take a stand, they won't be alone. But sadly, maybe they would be.
The last of the things is mine alone, and is going to be hard to explain without giving people the wrong impression. After writing about how happy I've been with Shanna here, it might be difficult to understand why I am suddenly depressed instead. Nothing has changed, and all the things that were making me happy are still there. If I could 'live for the moment' and all that, I'd be happy right now. But I've said it before, and it's still true: I'm in this for life, all or nothing. I'm still forbidden to tell you what the issues are, but a couple in particular are on life-altering scale. They're not bad, they're perfectly legitimate choices that she's perfectly entitled to make. They're just... different from the way I thought things were.
I couldn't believe my luck when I met her; I'd found everything I'd ever wanted! We know from what happened that our way of living wasn't sustainable. She continued to give me everything I wanted, but I didn't give her the attention she wanted in return, and she left. My feelings on that are well documented, but they're not important here. Forget all that, this is about the future. She's changed her mind on some things, and we don't want the same thing any more. And better yet, some things she tells me she only ever did to make me happy. She did them though she didn't want to, to keep me happy, but now she's being 'true to herself' and not doing anything that makes her unhappy. That's fine, that's great... except that I feel in love with someone who was happy with those things. I asked her why she did things she wasn't comfortable with and her answer is that did them because she loved me. Logical conclusion I draw from that? Well, if she did them back then because she loved me, and won't do them any more, obviously she doesn't love me as much any more. Laugh at that if you want. ROFL! How silly of me. But it makes sense to me.
But what can I do? I don't want her to be unhappy, but I don't want to be unhappy either, and I will be. These are the things I look for in a partner, some of the reasons I fell in love in the first place, things I need, things I've grown a reliance upon. If you take them away, you take away the reasons I was happy to settle. Not the reasons I'm happy day-to-day, they're something else. I'm always happy with her in that sense, it's hard not to be, and we get on so well. But to feel secure about settling, to feel I'm going to have the life I want. I felt that, but now it seems I won't.
Strangely, I'm in the exact opposite situation that I was in before. Living with Adele day-to-day eventually wore me down. The arguments never ceased, and it eventually broke me... but the future? We agreed on that. Different details, yes, but we wanted to share the same thing. That... family feeling. A sense of belonging, and a common goal. I could never go back to living the way we were, but I miss that feeling so much.
But I could never leave Shanna either. Huge parts of me are attached to her in ways I cannot separate. I failed in the year she was away, and even now, I can't convince myself that she's changed. I can calmly explain to myself the facts - the things I want and the things I cannot have here - but I cannot silence the part of me that just screams 'No! It's her! You know, the one who is everything you want!'. My feelings are all over the place. I got depressed, and then I got angry. I felt so deceived. All the time she pretended to be perfect... was a show. She did it with such good intentions, but it was still a lie. She made me fall in love with everything about her, for years, and then turns around and tells me it was an act to keep me happy? I felt... furious. If I had known these things did not exist, I would not be here. We would not be married. I've signified this to myself by no longer wearing my ring, but that isn't what I want. I want so much for it to be her. I don't want anybody else, I want the Shanna I chose to spend my life with.
Right now I just don't know what to do. Through it all, we're still okay. I still feel loved, I still look forward to doing things together (though my sleeping has got really out of control again lately, mainly due to depression)... if it didn't contradict everything I've just written, I would say I was happy, because it's true in so many ways. I really need some help, though I have no idea what 'help' would be.
My son was born, the 3rd of October. Adele didn't tell me. My feelings on that... are not well formed enough to explain, at least at the moment. She named him 'Merlin'. Not... keen on it to be honest, but I'll get used to it. Mine and Shanna's second wedding anniversary passed uncelebrated. Better than last year... but it didn't really seem right to make much of it. Not yet. Maybe next year, we can celebrate like it's our first. I really hope so.
In a desperate effort to write something a little more positive: games. I've been impressed lately. After a fair few years of nothing of much interest going on, I've played a succession of quality games recently. Since BioShock, I've played a couple of very simple but very entertaining games, mainly Portal and World of Goo. Portal was excellent, though ridiculously short. I completed it within three hours, but it's something that I will never forget. Not for the gameplay, or the puzzles, but for the characters, and for a game where the only 'characters' are an omnipresent computer AI, and some gun turrets, that says a lot. Superb writing. World of Goo I've played only the first chapter of, in a demo, but should I ever find myself with any money (ah money... I remember that stuff), I'll be buying the full version. It actually gives me a little hope, you know, that there is still some place in the industry for indie games without million-dollar budgets, and that innovation and originality aren't quite dead yet.
I suppose it's time for bed now. I don't know what surprises work might hold for me tomorrow, but I won't get my hopes too high.
Since I'm at work, let's start there. I complained before that we can never do anything properly around here, and since then we've tried a lot to fight it, but it just keeps piling on. We bought, using the very last of Vecsoft's money (all of which we earned without any help from Darius - we've not seen a single penny of this 'backing' we were supposed to have), two fully licensed copies of Windows Server 2003. We installed these on two nice Dell PowerEdge rack servers, and have deployed Vantage onto them. The next step is to set up the new network configuration, but despite requesting many times to put the servers into a data centre, we've been refused and have to try and set up the new network alongside the old one. So Graham spent several hours one morning setting it all up, only to find that an ADSL modem we've bought wasn't very reliable. We had to spend the rest of the night putting it all back, amongst constant calls and complaints from everybody. The next day, Darius asks us not to touch the existing setup because it causes problems. Yeah... we know that, but you didn't give us any choice. We should be setting up the new system entirely separately, preferably at a data centre with a dedicated internet connection, but no, we're stuck here with an NTL cable modem that can't go five minutes without dropping connections and losing packets everywhere, and the BT ADSL connection which works most of the time, but is still miles from the exchange, on a bad line that's run through a conduit next to high voltage power cables, leading to a terrible signal-to-noise ratio. Not that we can touch that connection, because it's the only semi-reliable thing that the old system has. So how are we supposed to configure our new routers and firewalls, ensure the routes between LAN and WAN are working, without being able to use either of the WAN connections to test it with? I predict the answer to this is that we won't test it - we'll just decide to 'go live' one day, and pray that it works. Which it won't. It never does.
Then we came in this afternoon to find both of our servers off. We know people around here have a habit of touching things they shouldn't, so we'd disabled the power switches, and locked the front bezel to block access to the front panel anyway, but that didn't deter somebody. Finding themselves unable to reach the power button, they resorted to pulling out the power cables. What the fuck? We called Darius to ask what'd happened, and he said he'd done it because he thought they sounded noisy. So what? They're have fucking fans in, to keep themselves cool, of course they make noise!. Noisy or not, if you don't understand something, you don't fucking touch it!. Neither do you try and tell people who do know what they're doing that you know better. You don't, shut up.
It would cost £160 a month to move these servers to somewhere safe, secure, and with a high-performance internet connection. That's nothing, but he 'wants to see it working here first'. It's going to work terribly here first. We have no reliable connections, and we have people who go round pulling cables out. He wants to serve four stores, several other clients, and all his web-customers, over a dodgy ADSL connection. We've seen from the old website that pulling any data from here gives awful performance, but now he wants to not only serve all the pages themselves from here, but the new website is heavy on flash, and includes streaming video. This connection will choke and die. And then it'll be our fault, somehow.
I liked working here because I have the freedom to work on software that I want to work on, and be paid for it. I could make more elsewhere, but I'd have to start as a small part of a team. Here I've got what I've always wanted. We've always done things the cheap crap way, but it was never my business so I never cared. I got to write my software, that was all that mattered. But this, this is supposed to be our business, and we don't do things that way, we do things right. At least we try, but are met with nothing but resistance every step of the way. We received a letter from companies house saying that hadn't received out accounts for the year. When Graham asked the accountant about it, he said that he thought we were letting it die, because of 'that bill'. The bill, of course, being the £22,000 owed to Vaioni that Darius never paid. So because of that, they're going to let the company die. I imagine he's going to suggest that we just form another one and carry right on, but you know what? I think I'm going to say no. The only reason that me and Graham started the company in partnership with Darius, was because he had money and would back us. We've earned wages from working here, yes, but seen not a hint of any money for Vecsoft, and indeed when the time came to pay out any money, he didn't. If our only reason for joining him never happened... then we don't have any reasons, do we? What's the point? We ran XVII more successfully than Vecsoft. Sure, we didn't make that much money, but we didn't incur thousands in debt, or enter contracts we couldn't fulfil, either. We did a better job by ourselves, and I think that's what we should do. Our ways of running business aren't compatible. And yeah, I know he's got a successful one with four stores, and we haven't. Maybe it works for him, but I don't care. We don't work that way. We won't. We do things properly.
I'm still here now because I feel a loyalty. Darius gave me a job when I really needed one, when I was trying to move out in preparation for Shanna to arrive. He's given lots of freedom and paid me lots of wages for a product which, whilst finished, he's not seen any benefit from yet. If I were to leave, then whatever the legal side of it, I'd feel obligated to surrender Vantage for moral reasons anyway, and I'd be sad to leave it, but the way things are right now, unless we start getting our way at least some of the time, and get these servers moved into a proper hosting environment, I really feel like walking away from all this shit.
So that was work today, but it went wrong before we even made it that far. Poole bus station is one of my most hated places - we've always called it The Shades (Discworld reference) - and as it gets towards the evening the place is always filled with scum, but sometimes you see something exceptional. Today, there were the usual groups of chavs hanging around, but one of them had what I can only assume was his little brother with him. He can't have been more than about five years old, but he was apparently there for chav training. His (let's assume I'm right) older brother was carrying him around, and encouraging him to hit people. There were a group of German people, maybe students or tourists, stood near to us, and he actually lifted the child up and used the little boy's hand to hit one of them. The victim seemed more shocked at what was happening than anything else, but the chav and one of his 'mates' then started trying to act all hard and making the usual stupid 'what you lookin at' challenges.
Nothing more happened, but that was enough to make me sick. From everything I've ever experienced, nothing depresses me more than knowing people like him exist. Not only exist, in fact, but are common. It's people like him that make me dread stepping outside my house, make me hate public places, public transport. It's not even like I get trouble from them - I don't - but just to see them physically disgusts me. And to see the corruption of what could've otherwise been an innocent child... I've seen nothing lower. He'll never know any better. He'll be not just one of them, but more than them. Raised and bred to be scum, with no inhibitions, no boundaries.
It made me question for a moment, whether I would ever interfere. The one who was hit didn't respond, and neither did the rest of his group, but there were quite a few of them and not all that many chavs. The situation dissolved quickly and nothing happened, but what if they had started fighting. Would anyone have done anything? There were enough people around to overwhelm the chavs easily, but what does it take for them to get involved? Nobody would go alone, and it follows therefore that nobody would take the lead. Neither would I, but I might join in, if other people did. All it's needed is for people to know that if they take a stand, they won't be alone. But sadly, maybe they would be.
The last of the things is mine alone, and is going to be hard to explain without giving people the wrong impression. After writing about how happy I've been with Shanna here, it might be difficult to understand why I am suddenly depressed instead. Nothing has changed, and all the things that were making me happy are still there. If I could 'live for the moment' and all that, I'd be happy right now. But I've said it before, and it's still true: I'm in this for life, all or nothing. I'm still forbidden to tell you what the issues are, but a couple in particular are on life-altering scale. They're not bad, they're perfectly legitimate choices that she's perfectly entitled to make. They're just... different from the way I thought things were.
I couldn't believe my luck when I met her; I'd found everything I'd ever wanted! We know from what happened that our way of living wasn't sustainable. She continued to give me everything I wanted, but I didn't give her the attention she wanted in return, and she left. My feelings on that are well documented, but they're not important here. Forget all that, this is about the future. She's changed her mind on some things, and we don't want the same thing any more. And better yet, some things she tells me she only ever did to make me happy. She did them though she didn't want to, to keep me happy, but now she's being 'true to herself' and not doing anything that makes her unhappy. That's fine, that's great... except that I feel in love with someone who was happy with those things. I asked her why she did things she wasn't comfortable with and her answer is that did them because she loved me. Logical conclusion I draw from that? Well, if she did them back then because she loved me, and won't do them any more, obviously she doesn't love me as much any more. Laugh at that if you want. ROFL! How silly of me. But it makes sense to me.
But what can I do? I don't want her to be unhappy, but I don't want to be unhappy either, and I will be. These are the things I look for in a partner, some of the reasons I fell in love in the first place, things I need, things I've grown a reliance upon. If you take them away, you take away the reasons I was happy to settle. Not the reasons I'm happy day-to-day, they're something else. I'm always happy with her in that sense, it's hard not to be, and we get on so well. But to feel secure about settling, to feel I'm going to have the life I want. I felt that, but now it seems I won't.
Strangely, I'm in the exact opposite situation that I was in before. Living with Adele day-to-day eventually wore me down. The arguments never ceased, and it eventually broke me... but the future? We agreed on that. Different details, yes, but we wanted to share the same thing. That... family feeling. A sense of belonging, and a common goal. I could never go back to living the way we were, but I miss that feeling so much.
But I could never leave Shanna either. Huge parts of me are attached to her in ways I cannot separate. I failed in the year she was away, and even now, I can't convince myself that she's changed. I can calmly explain to myself the facts - the things I want and the things I cannot have here - but I cannot silence the part of me that just screams 'No! It's her! You know, the one who is everything you want!'. My feelings are all over the place. I got depressed, and then I got angry. I felt so deceived. All the time she pretended to be perfect... was a show. She did it with such good intentions, but it was still a lie. She made me fall in love with everything about her, for years, and then turns around and tells me it was an act to keep me happy? I felt... furious. If I had known these things did not exist, I would not be here. We would not be married. I've signified this to myself by no longer wearing my ring, but that isn't what I want. I want so much for it to be her. I don't want anybody else, I want the Shanna I chose to spend my life with.
Right now I just don't know what to do. Through it all, we're still okay. I still feel loved, I still look forward to doing things together (though my sleeping has got really out of control again lately, mainly due to depression)... if it didn't contradict everything I've just written, I would say I was happy, because it's true in so many ways. I really need some help, though I have no idea what 'help' would be.
My son was born, the 3rd of October. Adele didn't tell me. My feelings on that... are not well formed enough to explain, at least at the moment. She named him 'Merlin'. Not... keen on it to be honest, but I'll get used to it. Mine and Shanna's second wedding anniversary passed uncelebrated. Better than last year... but it didn't really seem right to make much of it. Not yet. Maybe next year, we can celebrate like it's our first. I really hope so.
In a desperate effort to write something a little more positive: games. I've been impressed lately. After a fair few years of nothing of much interest going on, I've played a succession of quality games recently. Since BioShock, I've played a couple of very simple but very entertaining games, mainly Portal and World of Goo. Portal was excellent, though ridiculously short. I completed it within three hours, but it's something that I will never forget. Not for the gameplay, or the puzzles, but for the characters, and for a game where the only 'characters' are an omnipresent computer AI, and some gun turrets, that says a lot. Superb writing. World of Goo I've played only the first chapter of, in a demo, but should I ever find myself with any money (ah money... I remember that stuff), I'll be buying the full version. It actually gives me a little hope, you know, that there is still some place in the industry for indie games without million-dollar budgets, and that innovation and originality aren't quite dead yet.
I suppose it's time for bed now. I don't know what surprises work might hold for me tomorrow, but I won't get my hopes too high.